I agree. Plan A, sister. And snoop to confirm.

Touche, marital. He has already done things that I would never believe he could do. I am probably just being naive.

That could be the case, but remember that they've been physical. They'll eventually get back to that type of affair, most likely. Don't NOT snoop because of that.

Oh I will never stop snooping...it has become almost an obsession. I really hate it, and these past 5 months have taken a tremendous toll on both my physical and emotional health.

One more thing...what do you think the chances are of this dying a natural death? No 25 year old is going to be marrying this 55 year old, and I can tell you that my husband will not be raising another family. She has a boyfriend, and i would assume would eventually tire of this. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are that you shouldn't consider a scenario that affects your life so completely where you have zero input. Why would you want to live in the dark like that? Worrying every day that he'll come home and tell you that the two of you "need to talk" - that's a prison sentence!

Or his heart-breaking confession that he's in love with a 25 yo, and she's pregnant by him?

Boyfriends are like buses, Life. Don't count on the boyfriend angle in ending this.

It's not unusual for a winter/spring marriage, especially when winter is bringing some financial security to the table.

I wouldn't start down this road, Life.

I agree, marital. Wish I was in your shoes right now. I can't see that far ahead. One more question for anyone. Would it do any good to at least contact the OW"s parents now without warning to expose her? If my WH is not having contact, then she would probably contact him to tell him what I did, then here we go again. He would be incredibly pissed too, but oh well. Or should I just lay low for awhile on Plan A and wait to see what goes down?

No no no! Do not do this yet! Wait until you have confirmation of an on-going affair!

If you are able to confirm without a doubt that the affair is dead, you can approach that. Don't do it now!

Lifechanger,

My husband had an affair to Life and I never in a million years thought he could have done such a thing. I would hire a P.I. and know for sure, keep quiet for now, Plan A and when you know for sure that nothing is going on, then you can start making your marriage the best one it can be........boundaries in place......meeting each other's needs, lots of affection and sex, but you can't do any of that right now, guessing and wondering........
set your mind at ease....
jessi

I guess one of my concerns is that he should be or should have been more depressed this time. He was very depressed the first time until he started contacting her again. After d-day #2 when I have had no more proof of anything else going on, he seems to remain rather upbeat. This either means that he starting to work with me, but is still reluctant to get another councelor, or he is still in contact.

The affection is much better this time around, and the sex is great, but I don't hold that as an indicator, because if he isn't getting it from her, which I'm almost 100% sure he isn't, then he's going to take it anywhere he can get it. He has to be nice to me. I was fooled before, and that's where my head is going to be for awhile.

I disagree with that he is too smart to get caught. WS's are so driven by compulsion that they make mistakes. There are many ways to do it, ie: a voice activated recorder in his car for one. A GPS might reveal meetings while he is supposed to be at work. Another way to bring it out is to make him take a polygraph.

In regards to exposure, it is most certainly not too late to expose. The affair should be exposed to all your family members and HERS. Her parents and, especially her boyfriend, should be told. The more light you can shine on the affair, the more people to hold them accountable. It does not matter IF the affair is over.

Absolutely! I would bring the affair out into the open. The more people who know the more people to hold them acccountable.

But I would not limit the exposure to her folks. I would tell your family members too. Tell your kids, both sets of parents. He can answer to them.

The time for Plan A is long over. What should be in place now is Plan Recovery. And I think exposing the affair is one of the BEST METHODS of going forward because keeping this a secret, keeps your H in a fog.

I think you need to do some more digging. You can't be 100% sure she doesn't see him. My WH kept his A going for almost a year and she lived 3 states away! If he's not doing anything you certainly don't want to jeopardize any good progress you have made. It is normal to be paranoid to the point of feeling crazy this type of thing happens to you but you also want to keep your dignity in tact. What kind of effort is he making to reassure you that he has changed his ways? If your marriage is going to be successful after this devastation, he has to be humble and and completely honest. If you feel he is just being smarter about keeping things hidden, then you need to find out for sure. If it turns out that he has continued to see her, then maybe you should really reconsider your reasons for wanting to stay married to your WH. As far as exposing, I think it's a must whether you decide to stay with him or not. Just be smart about it. I happen to have become an expert at this particular thing so if you need some advice, feel free to contact me. ;)Good luck!

Life,

You know yourself you won't ever trust him like you used to, you are right when the do give up the OW they should be going through some kind of withdrawal so if he is upbeat and happy, maybe they have gone underground........
It's been 18 months for me and I still check his phone, comp, drive by where he is suppose to be, whatever makes me feel better......
You were fooled once, don't let it happen again.......
Keep up with the affection, the sex and filling each others needs, spend your 15 hours together for your undivided attention and watch.......
Make him so happy he won't ever stray again.........
If I were you I would hire a p.i. and set my mind at ease......
jessi

here

First, I believe Dr Harley says most A's die a natural death w/n 2 years with EXPOSURE.

Secondly, if your WH doesn't ever face the consequences of his A (ie exposure) then, most likely he will remain foggy and he is at high risk for having on/off secret contact with OW for years or for having another affair(s).

She thinks the A may still be going on, Mel.

Thank you so much everyone for your input and suggestions. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life...but you all know that.

Melody...I agree with you that he is not too smart to get caught...he has been very careless in the past, and it was easy to catch him. But now he knows what I'm looking for, and I'm quite certain that there will be no calls or converstations in the car to record. I check the odometer religiously, and that has checked out. He would never use our home computer, and if he had a phone, it would be a pre-paid phone that he kept at work. He would simply walk into his office, shut the door, and call. Same with email...he knows better to ever use the home computer, because I will find it on the history. It would be so easy.


Hope, I agree with you that if I am just being paranoid, which I have done in the past, then I do not want to jeapordize any good progress with a massive Lovebuster.

You are right, Jessi. I am quite certain that I will never totally get over this, and I am very resentful about that. The innocents is gone, and I am sure I will be checking years down the line, if I am lucky enought to have the chance years from now.

I have a long road ahead, and I think I might feel more comfortable to sit back and observe with Plan A for a while to see if he gets sloppy, and then I will pounce!!

Any other comments would be welcome. Can't get enough advice right now. Feel like I made too many mistakes already, and I don't want to mess up anymore.

Lifechanger, getting more opinions will just cause confusion. I would focus on Dr Harley's recommendations and stick with that. Expose this affair just like he advocates. That will be your best insurance against the affair and make recovery possible. Exposing the affair will result in more people to hold him accountable. If he is contacting her at work, then her parents and her boyfriend can watch from that end. They can't do that if they don't know.

I would continue to snoop but I would also make him prove to you he is not contacting her from work. That can be done by giving you access to his email from home possibly. Many corporations have ways for their employees to access email from home. Additionally, he can take a polygraph to relieve your fears. If he is innocent, he should be more than willing to do this for you.

But as far as exposure, I would follow Dr Harley's advice and expose the affair. Bring in her parents, boyfriend and anyone else who can hold them accountable.

Thanks Mel. Is it at all illegal to expose people in this way? When I spoke to the OW and texted her before, she said that these threats of mine were not going to fly with her. All I said was that if she did not stop contacting my H, then I would be forced to take another avenue. (to me that was contacting her parents), but she does not know that.

I don't want to do anything that could get me in trouble, and I am quite sure she would do what she could to stop me. I do not have any physical proof (ie the phone) anymore because as a good faith gesture when my husband closed his bank account and turned off the phone, I destroyed it. But not until of course I had all the numbers and addresses off of it.

What is crossing the line with harrassment, and couold her parents do something to me? I was not going to sign my name. What is the usual procedure?