Oh no, it is not harrassment to expose an affair. Having an affair with your husband is harrassment. In some states you could bring an alienation of affection suit against her. If she can't get into trouble for having an affair with a married man, you can't get in trouble for exposing it.

As far as having physical proof, you have that in your husband's admission.

Best practices in exposure vary from person to person. With her parents, I would probably go to their house and tell them in person. At the very least, you should call them and tell them about the affair and ask for the boyfriend's contact information. If you do send a letter, which I would advise against because the OW can intercept it, I would be sure and sign your full name and give your address and phone #. Otherwise, they shouldn't take you seriously.

But I would not stop there. I would tell your children along with other close family members. This will be very therapeutic for your husband and help in his recovery.

Lifechanger,you are paranoid for a reason. Your WH has given you good reason to be and I hope he understands that. As far as harassment,don't contact her. You do have every right to contact her parents and anyone else you choose to. Just remember tho that even if she is only 25, she's a grown woman and old enough to know what she is doing. You are right in that you don't want to come across as a crazy person when you do expose so that is why having solid evidence is very important. I think you are right to just simmer on this a little bit and see what you find out.

She has plenty of evidence, her husband's admission. So she doesn't need to get more evidence. Her husband has already made that admission. She already knows about the affair and this could have been done some time ago. In order for her to move onto the next level, she needs to expose it so that others can be brought into the loop and hold them accountable. There is nothing to wait for.

Lifechanger, there is nothing more to wait for. Everyone should know about the affair. Not only will this make it harder for them to resume their affair if exposed, but it will help recover your marriage because it will lift the fog.

Lifechanger,

You might end up surprised at how many people already know. There was about 7 or 8 people that knew about my FWW. One of them I knew a bit more than peripherally.

CV

Lifechanger,

First, I am sorry this has been happening in your marriage. Thirty-two years married is a good, long time. And you certainly picked a good handle. Infidelity has been the single biggest lifechanger in my H's and my life.

Next, let me say that Dr. Harley's MB principles really do work, when closely followed. My H and I have been married nearly 29 years and our D-day was three years ago. We suffered a false recovery, similar to what you suspect is happening to you now. We both have been working on recovery and rebuilding our love for each other for the last 14 months.

Melody's advice follows Dr. Harley's recommendations. Expose the affair to those who can influence your H, yours and H's entire family, OWs boyfriend and family, any friends who can influence.

Then, eliminate the conditions that made/make the affair possible. Dr. Harley talks on his radio show about no one being trustworthy in all conditions and everyone being trustworthy under other conditions. If your H has/is conducting his A from work, Dr. Harley's suggestion would be along the lines that your H retire or the two of you work together. In our case, both my H and I retired, we moved 1200 miles away, and we spend nearly all our time together.

Finally, I concur with you that your H's A is probably ongoing. Also, I am sorry to say that I suspect the PA portion has been far more extensive than H admitted and you believe. Ask him to write a no contact letter and take a polygragh. Be prepared for a Plan B when/if he refuses to do this.

AM

Hi all!

Hope the vets can help me here. I took everyone's advice seriously, and I just recently found out that there is still contact going on here. (D-Day #3) As far as I know, there has been no physical contact. I have too tight of a reign for that. He has, however sent her gifts and cards, so I know that an EA is still ongoing.

I need to wait for a couple weeks to expose this. I know that is not what you would all suggest, but I have two children taking the most important tests of their lives (medical school boards)that will partially determine their future. They are stressed, and deep in study. I cannot possibly add to that stress right now. I do plan, however when they are done,to immediately move into action.

My question is...when this is exposed, do I do that with Plan B in mind, or do I wait to see what WH's reaction is, and what he plans on doing. I would not be surprised if he would leave at this point, because he will be soo angry. Do I prepare for plan B in the event he does this? If so, what do I need to do exactly. I am afraid he will immediately start sending pay stubs back to him, and I will be out of the loop once again on financial goings on.

I will only be exposing to her parents, because I do not have any other contacts except for the OW address. Also, there is no sense exposing to work...it is not work related, and besides this happens all the time at work, and no one really cares. The big exposure will be to his 4 siblings. Some are quite religious, and I don't think this will go down so well. I am hoping they will support me on this, as I have always been close with them, but this is their brother, and I don't know for sure how they will react.

I have prepared the letters and emails that I will be sending out. Should I prepare a Plan B letter for H in case he decides to leave? Please let me know how to proceed. Thanks!

Has your WH had a vasectomy?

What do you think your chances are that you get an STD thanks to the 25 year old OW?

Did you ever put a GPS on the car?

I don't know how you could say there is no way there was physical contact, even with the GPS you couldn't be positively sure...but having the GPS would help...


Why have you put off exposure for so long? Is there a reason you ignored that advice from April?

Yes. Plan A like a Rock Star until the day after exposure.
Put a hidden GPS on his car BEFORE exposure. (Please, do not bore me with your excuses of why you can't/won't do this. I might chew your head off.)

I highly recommend you Plan B immediately after exposure.
Why?
Because this has gone on long enough and you are basically in a false recovery.
Have you read the FALSE RECOVERY thread?

So, my response is, YES, prepare your plan B letter.
Your WH needs a major kick to the nuts.
And make CERTAIN the OW boyfriend is first to be exposed.
Get OW parents name on the exposure list too.
And, a Facebook exposure for a 25 year old? ~~~> powerful !
Get OW to dump WH.

How to Plan B
LINK HERE

Don't you have a joint savings or checking account?
Move ALL of the joint funds to YOUR account, right before exposure.

Cancel all joint credit cards the day of exposure. Say they are "lost".
Open a new credit card for you only.

Operation Investigate has some FACEBOOK suggestions.

Thanks Pepper. To answer some of your questions...I have put a GPS on the car, and that is how I know all this. As I said in my last statement, I don't know who the boyfriend is if there really is one. I do have the name and address of the parents, and have prepared that to go out. I did not expose yet because I also got the advice since I wasnt sure about contact, to sit back and get the evidence I neeeded before I made a big mistake with a huge lovebuster. She is completely private on facebook, and I don't know how to infiltrate that. I don't know how to make a false account or add a picture in order for her to try and become my friend.

Sorry if I missed it, but how do you know he has given her gifts, etc?

I tracked where he went via Gps and could tell exactly what he did straight through to the UPS stor...then I called them to confirm and they gave me all the info

Question...I have now made a fake facebook account and did what the link said. I still don't have access to OW's any friends. How can I get some fake friends so wwhen I friend her, I will look more legit?

LC,

In addition to what's on the Operation forum (looking for businesses that have a FB page that you DO want to "Friend"), try this... Google OW's name as it appears on her FB page (be patient here, it's tedious), and also use Bing. What you will likely find is other people's names that she is "Friends" with. Click on those until you find "Friends" that don't have their "Friends" lists in lock-down.

Once you find one or two, start reviewing those "Friends" lists for people with the same maiden name, same town, or anything that might indicate that they might be related or real-life friends with her. This takes patience and time, but trust me you'll find what you need. It's like finding a family tree, and you will find it if you take the time.

Also, you do NOT need to have any "Friends" unless it is a business so that you can have a "Mutual Friend". Lock down your page by customizing every setting to "only me". You don't need to be "Friends" with any individuals, and you shouldn't now. When you get your exposure list, you can create a legit FB page and leave it wide open and send messages from there. When you send exposure messages, there is no need to hide that YOU are sending them. That's the point. On that page, I'd post a pic of you and WH...the best one you've got.

Oh, and disclaimer: I am assuming that you are trying to commpile an exposure list versus trying to find evidence.

Hope that helps.

Play any FB game, and post on that game's FB page asking for friends. I did it and had a BUNCH of friends in no time.

Hey, and just to re-state, the fake FB page is just to stay anonymous should you find (I think TickyTock suggested the second point) those small businesses or a "Friend" of OW who is a gamer (someone with over 400-ish "Friends" where you can send a "Friend Request" because they accept anyone). You don't need to find a way to be "Friends" with OW. You just want to find people on FB that may have some impact or influence on OW. The "fake" page is only so that you can try to be "Mutual Friends" with her as that will give you a better shot at finding meaningful people. Hope that I am not confusing you!!