I was hoping not to have to post in the divorcing forum, but alas here I am. I posted last fall in the SAA forum and tried in vain to to follow the MB principles and my marriage was just too far gone. I'm not sure how to link to my old thread, so if someone can tell me, I'll do it. Basically, my H has been having an overseas affair during his monthly business trips. I got the usual BS that our marriage was over, he not longer loved me, etc. before the affair and we had two false recoveries. He was just freaked out about telling the kids. The marriage was doomed when I knew that there was no way he would quit travelling and when I offered to go with him on a trip, he proceeded to call the OW to warn her. I realize now that my STBXH is a huge narcissist.

We already told the kids and they have been really upset (understandale and normal). Anyhow, I've been the primary parent during our entire marriage. I was a SAH mom for 5 years, and worked part time for 4 years and only started back to work full time at the request of my STBXH because he wanted to start a business. He travels a ton for work and I take care of most of the child rearing. I know the teachers, the schedule, the friends, parents, etc.

The issue is that now that we're getting divorced he wants to have 50% residential custody. He' won't move out of the house until I agree to this and he's now trying to start a track record of caring for the kids (making dr. app'ts, cooking breakfast) things he wouldn't ordinarily do. It's clear that his attorney told him to do all these things.

My question to the group is: I really don't think it's in my kids' best interest to share residential custody equally. How do I fight this psychological warfare which is what it feels like?

I remember you.
Though I am not in this forum (still at SAA), here is my input.
Do you have an attorney? What is their input? I don't think you need to 'agree' to anything other than via through your attorney.
I suspect you CAN require the spouse leave when D is filed (or legal sep for that matter).
You do your own documentation. Make sure.
Hey! Let WH be a great Dad, better than he ever was. Since he betrayed the whole family and its future, it is merely superficial, yk but let him give it a go and try.
Don't see it as war of custody. See it as him trying to hold on to some control/power now that you are on to the whole mess.
Detach.
Try to get him out for plan B. Go dark and heal personally.
It is all so new.
Do not let your Taker make this war against WH but war for the family and your own soul.

I have to say that your H isn't any worse than any other WH. They are all seemingly hopeless.

Just detach, get legal and financial equilibrium, go dark on H and see what the future holds for you.

You will need to release the need for life to be the same as it always was. It will be better.

Get your lawyer to do all the work for you. Detach while still in contact with WH until you can get him out to go dark.

I suspect WH will be surprised by the outcome. He just hasn't thought things out clearly.

Edited to add. Once you go to plan B/D, he can find out what life without you and with OW is really like. You would no longer being the back its built on. The solid base for him to wander. He can see how delightful life is minus you. And you can see how delightful it is without him. The kids will see a mom who is strong but capable and a dad who blew the whole thing up for selfish reasons (poor WH).
Just give the kids the best environment while with you possible.

I'm trying to detach as best as I can , but the only way I can seemingly spend time alone with the kids is to remove them from their home. He's now constantly around, trying to spoil them and be the perfect father. Yes, it is control thing. We had agreed to try mediation. We have an appointment on Monday with our mediator, but I am not backing down on the fact that I want more than 50% of the time with the kids. I'm not asking for 100% - just something more like 60/40 when he's in town and then of course 100% when he's out of town.


I also realize that he has no social life outside of me (except for the overseas OW). I am constantly being invited out by friends and family and he has nowhere to go. I think that's part of the reason he's clinging to the kids, because now that he realizes he has no one else locally in his life (our couple friends still hang out with me) he's desperate.

I'm sure others of you can relate at how sad it is to see your best friend many yeasrs acting so selfish, mean spirited and childish. He's not the man I married and it makes me so angry and sad.

FA, divorce laws vary from state to state, and even if one were licensed to practice in your state, here would be the wrong place to advise.

That said, there are generally two kinds of divorce: contested or uncontested. Uncontested divorces are sometimes referred to as "no fault" divorces, and the preparatory work is achieved through a settlement agreement reached and signed by the two parties.

My sense is that you are looking at a contested divorce. In that case, it would seem your STBXHW is already one step ahead of you.

Thus, if you have not seen an attorney yet, DO IT NOW. And do not get an attorney who is simply a pencil-pusher for an easy fee. Get a PIT BULL! It will make all the difference.

Remember, this is for the long run, not a short payout.

Perhaps mediation is not for you. It is for marriages that both concede are over and not salvagable? Perhaps get your own attorney and have them do all the back and forth for you. You probably don't need to agree to mediate with WH.
Hey! I still say, let him try to step up to the plate to be a dad-like guy. Since you are still in contact with him.....see it as a plan A sort of thing where you support him being good.
Sure, he never bothered before and look where that got him!
BTW, today there is an awesome rebroadcasted MB radio show which talks about how children make it so spouses are not alone to nourish the romance but affair partners are. The woman on the show today has a lot on her plate and I learned a lot listening to the show!
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Fred, thanks for the advice. Not to worry, I have a pit bull! I have one of the best divorce attorneys in my state. I just had hoped that we could try to do the tough negotiations amicably. I am incredibly angry that it doesnt' look like that will happen. I could be surprised - STBXH and I are going to try to negotiate this thing first over the weekend.

At least right now neither of us are hoping for more than 50% of our assets/money. That's pretty much the legal standard in our state. Child support is generally a percent of net income and my STBXH doesn't earn much more than me (though he's in venture capital and could make a sizable amount of money on some investments - so I have to make sure I'm 50/50 on all the deals he invested in to date). alternatively the investments could be worth nothing.

Legally, there's no one standard for a "parenting plan." I have no problem with joint custody - which essentially means that we have joint decision-making in terms of the kids schooling, religion, health-care decisions. The issue comes down to who the kids see more of on a daily/weekly/yearly basis and I just don't think that 50-50 is best for them or me.

Am hoping I don't have to spend too much money on my pit bull attorney - and my STBXH has an equally good one. They are both super expensive and I'd hate to see us spending our kids' college funds on fighting each other.

In the meanwhile, just trying to keep my sanity as I am dealing with my ex as the newly self-anointed "father of the year".

Since your WH travels overseas, I'd secure the children's passports and get them on a watch-list if possible. I believe you can file for temporary orders which would prohibit him taking them.

Until a court order is in place, I understand he has the right to take them with him.

Might be worth a call to your atty.

Ugh. How well I remember this. My now WxH doesn't miss visitation whereas before the seperation he was totally uninvolved with me AND our son.

The best advice I can give you on that is just be still. Resist the urge to scream, 'why are you being a good father NOW???' Just smile and let it be the normal thing.....

Sounds like he is trying to get a reduction in cs with his superdad act. Just keep your senses and be the good mom you've been all along. Don't let him make you crazy to the point you make yourself look bad and vindictive.

Yes, I think I will do my best to smile and let him play the game of father of the year. It's hard to resist the urge to scream, so I will bite my tongue. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't honestly think that for him it's about the child support. He wants 50% of their time. It's totally insane as far as I'm concerned because he spent the last 11 years as a workaholic, travelling dad and now he's saying they need him half the time.

My WH never mowed a lawn in his life until I went to plan B and he told IM he wanted to do it.
IM said...."No, BS will continue to do it as previously"

So we talked over the weekend about the parenting plan. I offered him what I thought was very generous - Sunday night through wednesday afternoon by me, Wednesday afternoon through Friday afternoon by him and then alternating weekends. He rejected and is now insisting on a complete 50/50 arrangement. We're meeting with the mediators this afternoon. He negotiates deals for a living so I am very nervous - but as I mentioned, I'm not backing down and will have to move to the pit bull attorney if we can't do this amicably. Wish me luck.

It may be to alleviate his guilt, it may be to reduce his child support obligation. Different states have different laws about overnights and you should find out how many overnights = custody in yours. He may want to be in a position to have equal say if he moves out of state. A moving scenario should def be a part of the negotiations (he moves out of state you get full custody). Regardless of his motives, his behavior will most likely change. Mine went from being ok with me having primary custody, (OK but not great with kids at that point) to wanting full custody and trying to declare me unfit (Father of the year at this point) to losing custody (moved out of state and I couldn't beg him to see his kids for 6 months) to moving in with his mother in a neighboring state (OK again under his mom's watchful eye).

For what it's worth going forward, both a judge and a best interest attorney for the kids would most probably be looking at maintaining continuity going forward. If you were the one who cared for the kids while he was away, it's very relevant. Right now, under the advice of his attorney, he is trying to establish a new normal. But history is history, and if you can verify it all the better. Still hope you can work it out between you. Heated court battles are awful.


Best of luck!

So we did make some progress on mediation - looks like I'll get the kids Sunday night through Wednesday, he'll have them Wed. night through Friday and then we'll alternate weekends. I know it's a small victory, but I wanted at least a little more than 50% given our history.

Good advice about the moving scenario. He has said he will stay in our town, but I need to have that in writing - that the arrangement changes if he moves away.

I also want to protect my kids from the OW. Has anyone out there put a time limit into their separation or divorce agreement that specifies a time period before a significant other can be introduced to the kids? From what I've been reading, it seems that psychologically it's best to wait 6 months before introducing someone new into the parenting equation.

I'm also going to specify that I want the right of first refusal - meaning that if STBXH isn't with my kids then I have first option to be with kids. This way, legally he can't leave them with his girlfriend or anyone else for that matter if I'm available.

SOL and his XW agreed in writing to not introduce the kids to dating partners before a year I believe. Maybe just 6 months.

I did get an agreement to not introduce kids to dating partners until at least Feb 2012 and requires dating of at least 6 months.

So I thought the issues were all going to be around custody, but it turns out that STBXH is fighting me on finances too - oh joy!
He has a venture capital firm (the one that requires the overseas travel) that he started working on 4 years ago. He took no salary from it until a year ago. We invested a significant chunk of our personal money into his deals. He only wants to give me half of what our personal money invested makes in his deals even though he gets profits above and beyond this amount if his deals do well. I said I'd take nothing less than half for the investments he made prior to our divorce.

He thinks that since it will require future time on his part to manage those deals going forward that I don't deserve half.

Our mediators were absolutely useless on the topic since they didn't really grasp the financial issues involved so I have said that unless he agrees were back to the lawyers. Ugh!

I'm just now waking up to the fact that part of his reasoning for divorcing me is that he didn't want me to share in the upside of his business. I am $%&^ing furious to say the least!! While he was busy "doing deals" overseas he was "doing the OW" and now he expects me to just sit there and agree to not benefit from the deals.

Does anyone out there have any stories to tell regarding getting a spouse's business divided up equitably?

You MUST have an independent business valuation. That is a way to have the business appraised as though it were to be sold. There are many ways to value a business and every industry has its own customs and methods, so you need someone who has expertise with this type of business.

Do NOT accept anything less. Both you and he may be surprised at the outcome. But, this business is considered a marital asset and you need to get your share of it. Do not let your stbxh cheat you on this.

You may need to be open to him paying you over a couple of years, so that the business is not damaged by having too much capital pulled out at once.

And with being paid over several years--that'll equal a little more security in the long term.

I haven't posted in a really long time (obviously). WH and I were living under the same roof from April through December 8. His attorneys (he's now on number 3) had advised him to stay put until the divorce was final. Well, the divorce is NOT final, but he moved out rather suddently in December. He told me 36 hours before the moving truck showed up, and less than 24 hours for the kids to have notice. He had the nerve to have them sleep over the first night he moved int.

It's a sigh of relief to not see him everyday and try to share time with the kids. Alas, splitting time relatively equally has been tough on me. I am trying to fill the time with activities (tennis, a variety show at my son's school, outings with friends), I miss my kids dearly when they aren't home. They seem to be doing okay at his house for now, though it is telling that they are hesitant to move personal items and clothes there.

My question to the group now is this. February, 2012 is looming and we had it in our draft agreement (that was never signed) that either one of us could introduce a significant other at that point. However, in my opinion, given that we're not divorced, this sends a horrible message to the kids. I am pretty certain he will follow this timeline as he is tired of traveling overseas to see OW. I think if left to his own devices, he'll move her here well before we are divorced. There's a bit of family history here - when his parents got divorced (he and his siblings were much older - highschool and college), both of them moved in with their future spouses prior to the divorce.

Is there anything I can do legally to keep her out of my kids lives until the divorce? Has anyone successfully put in a court order to protect their kids from having adultery in their face?

If you did get a court order, was it followed successfully? Would you do it all over?

I am a complete wreck obsessing about this. Should I do something or let the chips fall where they may.

I had it in my divorce decree, but XH signed off on it. Probably largely depends where you live and how the judge leans as to whether you can ask for it and get it without your WHs agreement.

I further added no overnights with opposite sex even after divorce was final. XH has complied with this even post divorce.

Yes, we can relate entirely, utterly, and most definitely. Sorry you're going through this, but put your pain to good use. It will make you sensitive to the hurt of others, and that's more than a silver lining.