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Your right Kay, and if I see things correctly PR has been the adult most of thier realtionship history, and she knows it too.
I feel for her because she has put so much into the relationship and her family, but still he gets worse and slides down. Its tough because those are years and time you can't get back.
But God will restore what seems like wasted time and years lost, as she moves away from this alien. I would also suggest a MB rectal probe being permentaly installed if she decides to let him back into her life.
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Well I can understand her being tenacious about their relationship, but not as he is! She's already given/done so much more than most ever would and more than he deserves. I realize it's not about that, but it DOES need to be about his starting to do/be for HER!
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Well I can understand her being tenacious about their relationship, but not as he is! She's already given/done so much more than most ever would and more than he deserves. I realize it's not about that, but it DOES need to be about his starting to do/be for HER! ITA, this guy is really messed up, and she has been his Mommy for to long.
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I understand where you 2 are coming from. I really don't have any contact with WH. I just leave him alone to his on devices. I don't ask my daughters about their Dad. As a matter of fact when I had breakfast with DD20 this past Sunday WH was not even mentioned.
Talked to DD20 tonight and she said that WH is wanting her to contibute more money to the bills/rent and she is paying for her car that he was paying for until he got fired when all this started in 2009. I told her to just move back home and she said that he would just go off again and she doesn't want the drama. She said that when the lease was up, she was back home. Told her that she could come home any time. If WH keeps up what he is doing she will be home long before the lease is up.
I am going to get a divorce as soon as possible. I am hoping to file by May. Right now since the housing market is bad I actually owe more than whate the house is worth. So WH cannot make me pay him 1/2 of the equity. I'll have the house paid for in about 9 yrs. I make an extra payment a year. At this point I don't want WH to come back because it would be because he can't make it on his own. I am just so tired of everything and I am tired of him using me.
WH has lost his license for a year just for not blowing when he was pulled over for drunk driving. I don't know what else is going to happen because he hasn't gone to trial yet. This is the main reason why I am going to file for divorce. He is spiraling out of control and I don't want him to bring me down as well. If he realizes how big a mess his life is and it is because he had to commit adultery I wouldn't know since I don't talk to him anymore. This is a man who after he started dating me straightened his life out. His family loves me and were so happy that he married me. WH quit smoking, quit drinking and became ambitious. When he took up with OW he started smoking and started drinking. He smokes a lot more than he did before he quit 20yrs ago and he drinks more now than he use to. The OW helped him to screw his life up and his family hates her. They are mad at him too.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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He is being who he is. Whatever straightening out you think he did was 20 years worth of temporary. You can't rescue him, you are right, only he can decide that course of action.
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He is being who he is. Whatever straightening out you think he did was 20 years worth of temporary. You can't rescue him, you are right, only he can decide that course of action. Amen, been there, done that, and unlike you PR, I didn't get out when I should have. Well maybe it was cuz the kids were young, but I think that was my excuse.
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Yeah, it's so easy for me to look back now and see what I SHOULD have done...but when you're in it, it's a whole different thing, it's so hard because all of your emotions are involved. It would help to step back and take a look at things from outside yourself...in psychology that's called "having an observing eye". I've learned to do that but not always perfectly!
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Congratulations on the weight loss, and I'm so sorry to hear about the adorable puppy. It's so sad to lose a beloved pet.
Now, I have another suggestion besides D, and cheaper, too.
Plan B costs little to nothing except consistency and a bunch of internal fortitude. You say you don't really have C with WH, yet I see just over the last page of posts how time and again you know what he's doing, and even have him texting you about the doggy.
These things should not be so.
This non-Plan-B is so damaging to a BS, whether they want R or not. Get him out of your life 100% until such time as he becomes repentant. That is the truly loving thing to do, both for yourself and for him.
And to protect you from his shenanigans, asap file a legal separation. You can fill out the paperwork yourself to get started, and can probably get the fees reduced or waived by filling out the hardship forms.
Worry about whether to save your M later. Worry about whether to file D later. For now, protect yourself legally, and get him out of your life. Turn "not really in contact" (which is, really, in contact), into complete NC.
You're worth it.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I totally agree, in fact I almost suggested it myself.
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There is no such thing as a legal separation in Florida. I've already looked into it. It is one of the few states that don't have one.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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I just want to say Happy Easter to everyone and hope you have had a wonderful one. I have had a great day and I know that many more are to come.
Still hoping and praying.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Happy Easter to you, too.
Even with LS off the table as an option, it's more than important - it's crucial that you protect your emotional well-being. Do not allow yourself to be taken hostage by that terrorist for even a moment.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Well things sure have changed lately. On Easter morning before Church I took and Eastere basket to DD20 and one for my WH. DD20 wasn't there like she was suppose to be but WH was shocked and pleased that I brought him one and thanked me. Later on that day WH called meto thank me again for the Easter basket and how much he appreciated it. He then told me that he had talked to his brother(he has 3 brothers and 2 sisters) that day. I asked how he was doing and he said fine. He then told me that this brother and his younger sister have been telling him that he needs to get home and do what is right. I never said anything back. Ever since then WH has been keeping in contact with me. I haven't stopped him but I haven't been encouraging him either. I have tried to stay neutral.
I went and picked up an accucheck meter and supplies for WH since he is not allowed to drive until sometime in July. While I was there he asked me again if he could get a phone added onto my plan for just calls and texts. The bill is in his name and it would only be an extra $10/month which he would pay. I asked why he didn't he get the OW to add him to her plan since they were together. He told me that their relationship had burned out. He told me all this, this past Saturday.
Saw DD20 this past Saturday and she was on a rampage about her Dad and about his friends he use to be business with, who by the way are the ones who did not stand by him when he got fired. One of those friends she hates becaus she blames him and the OW for her Dad drinking so much. She also let me know thatWH had written a nasty text message to the OW that blamed her for everything going wrong in his life for the past 2yrs and that he wished he never had met her. Don't if he eversent it to her.
Still on about this weekend. WH asked to come over for a drink Saturday night and I did go over. I had one drink the whole night. We then went out to a bar with DD23 later. I took WH home and he then asked me stay with him. I landed up sleeping alone in my bed that night.
I don't know if my marriage is going to recover or not. I am just going to take it one day at a time and see what happens. If it does recover I am going to have some stipulations on him coming home. I am going into this with my eyes wide open, I don't want to get my hopes up.
Still hoping and praying.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Oh dear. You sound so hopeful!
This is painful to read.
May I ask why you chose to give him an Easter basket? And why you are cushioning the blow of rightful consequences of all of his heinous actions?
I think the above post illustrates the difficulty with the "one day at a time, no plan".
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Well things sure have changed lately. On Easter morning before Church I took and Eastere basket to DD20 and one for my WH. DD20 wasn't there like she was suppose to be but WH was shocked and pleased that I brought him one and thanked me. Later on that day WH called meto thank me again for the Easter basket and how much he appreciated it. He then told me that he had talked to his brother(he has 3 brothers and 2 sisters) that day. I asked how he was doing and he said fine. He then told me that this brother and his younger sister have been telling him that he needs to get home and do what is right. I never said anything back. Ever since then WH has been keeping in contact with me. I haven't stopped him but I haven't been encouraging him either. I have tried to stay neutral. Are you in plan B with him? I am not saying he will not change but it is too early to even consider being with him I went and picked up an accucheck meter and supplies for WH since he is not allowed to drive until sometime in July. While I was there he asked me again if he could get a phone added onto my plan for just calls and texts. The bill is in his name and it would only be an extra $10/month which he would pay. I asked why he didn't he get the OW to add him to her plan since they were together. He told me that their relationship had burned out. He told me all this, this past Saturday. Who cares about the OW. Do not "help" him in his bills/problems/crisis even adding a phone. Saw DD20 this past Saturday and she was on a rampage about her Dad and about his friends he use to be business with, who by the way are the ones who did not stand by him when he got fired. One of those friends she hates becaus she blames him and the OW for her Dad drinking so much. She also let me know thatWH had written a nasty text message to the OW that blamed her for everything going wrong in his life for the past 2yrs and that he wished he never had met her. Don't if he eversent it to her. Plan B? Do you see how your daughter is modeling her behavior after YOU? She is blaming everyone else but her father about his drinking. He drinks because he is a drunk. No excuses. WH is also doing the blame game and not being accountable pointing the finger at OW for all of his troubles. This is not good Still on about this weekend. WH asked to come over for a drink Saturday night and I did go over. I had one drink the whole night. We then went out to a bar with DD23 later.  I took WH home and he then asked me stay with him. I landed up sleeping alone in my bed that night. WHY would you be drinking with an alcoholic????? it is like giving chocolate to a diabetic? What is your reasoning for this. Do you go to Alanon? Why are you enabling a drunk to drink? My XH is an alcoholic and it is the last thing I would ever do with him. This is unhealthy behaviour on your part. Drinking with him is saying it is ok...ITS NOT I don't know if my marriage is going to recover or not. I am just going to take it one day at a time and see what happens. If it does recover I am going to have some stipulations on him coming home. I am going into this with my eyes wide open, I don't want to get my hopes up. These actions will not recover your M. First as long as he is drinking and not in a program -- stay away. Without that you cannot recover. You are already starting to rescue him. Please get to Alanon. Stop enabling him. Still hoping and praying. Hoping is not a method but a good plan is. I continue to pray for my XH but I do know he has to fall hard before any remorse or recovery would ever happen in life. Blessings
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I have to agree. My first thought when I read this is, "why would you drink with an alcoholic, let alone one you are separated from?" One of your conditions on taking him back should be he stop drinking for at least a year, and attend AA. You should attend Al-anon, you could clearly use some help in understanding how to deal with an alcoholic...the answer isn't in drinking with him.
He needs to feel the full brunt of his consequences, if that means walking or riding the bus to the store to get his supplies, so be it. He should also get a phone on his own plan. You don't even know if you'll end up together, I sure wouldn't want to incur more bills on his behalf! He's using you and you are letting him. He is not your friend, he cheated on you, left you, has been thinking of himself, not you and the kids, and is drinking himself into oblivion. Please don't enable him! I know you don't see it like that, that's why you need to attend Al-anon...be brave enough to go and hear what they say.
There are worse things than being alone and one is being in a bad marriage with an alcoholic that has shown no regard for you.
I'm sorry! I think you're a great person, I just don't think you're handling things right currently.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I have to agree. My first thought when I read this is, "why would you drink with an alcoholic, let alone one you are separated from?" One of your conditions on taking him back should be he stop drinking for at least a year, and attend AA. You should attend Al-anon, you could clearly use some help in understanding how to deal with an alcoholic...the answer isn't in drinking with him.
He needs to feel the full brunt of his consequences, if that means walking or riding the bus to the store to get his supplies, so be it. He should also get a phone on his own plan. You don't even know if you'll end up together, I sure wouldn't want to incur more bills on his behalf! He's using you and you are letting him. He is not your friend, he cheated on you, left you, has been thinking of himself, not you and the kids, and is drinking himself into oblivion. Please don't enable him! I know you don't see it like that, that's why you need to attend Al-anon...be brave enough to go and hear what they say.
There are worse things than being alone and one is being in a bad marriage with an alcoholic that has shown no regard for you.
I'm sorry! I think you're a great person, I just don't think you're handling things right currently. ITA...I would re-read your thread, and read what part of my story I might have posted. My wife was an alcohlic and I thought I was stronger than others too. There is a limit to helping others and a point where its enablement. Do you really love him or just want to be right? I hope your pride doesn't get in the way and you can take this right.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Hi everyone. I am doing fine. Told WH last night that he had been leading me on after having a long discussion. OW is no longer in the picture and I told WH that it didn't make a difference if she was or not because he wasn't coming home. Told him that I could not be just friends and that I loved him. Told him that he destroyed his marriage, his family and his life all for nothing. All for a piece of white trash W---e. Told him that I was filing for divorce after I came home from vacation and that he would finally get the divorce that he wanted. He told me he didn't care if he got one or not. TOUGH! He is getting that divorce if I have to shove it down his throat. Told him last night that this was the last time he would see me and not to contact me ever again.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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It's sad you have to go to this point.
If you fully intend on going through with divorce, start preparing for war. Pitbull attorney, get a list of assets (car, house, 401k, etc) that he has, etc, to be sure he can't hide anything.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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WH has nothing. All we have together is the house and because of the market it is worth less than what we owe on it. I am the one who has been paying for the house and I will get the house. I am filing a simple dissolution of marriage. Don't need an attorney. Right now WH is still paying an attorney for his DUI and that is around $10,000 and he can't afford 2 attorneys, heck he can't even afford the one he has. WH has no job, no license, and no vehicle. He isn't going to fight it.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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