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Well then I KNOW you have access to a can or two of "Texas Whoop Azz", stillwater... I've come to expect a lot from Texans. Put on your black bad boy hat and let's get to fightin' -- You need to blow up OM's world -- Does he have a facebook account? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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From one of Dr. Harley's books: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.htmlIf your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouses lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.
Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth.
The first reaction of an unfaithful spouse to exposure is to try to turn the tables on the betrayed spouse. "I will never be able to forgive you for hurting me this way. Don't you ever think about how I'd be affected by this?" Of course, it's really the affair that hurts. The exposure simply identifies the source of the pain. The unfaithful spouse should be the one begging for forgiveness.
In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Stillwater, you�re not coming off as an a-hole. You�re coming off as afraid.
What you need to do is grow a massive set, act like you have a purpose, and take action.
That means you move back into your house. You let her know SHE can leave if she wishes, but you�re coming home and you and the kids aren�t going anywhere.
You then tell her that if she leaves you will file for abandonment and sole physical and legal custody of the kids and demand child support.
You couple the above with exposure to everyone that the affair is back on and this time involve OM�s parents.
You then sit in your home, grab a beer, turn on your favorite show, and act like all is well. It is for you since you�re home and you have the kids.
She will rant, rave, tell you that there is no chance you can save things now, etc. You smile, ask her if she wants to grab a beer and join you in watching the latest episode of Dancing With the Stars (or whatever show you want).
Cool and calm will scare her a hell of a lot more than yelling at her. It shows you�re in control and unafraid.
Don�t get me wrong. Inside you�ll be screaming. But this is a game of chicken you�re playing and she is the one that stands to lose the most if you let her know that leaving will cost her both with the kids and financially.
I would also take steps to put all your family finances into a separate account only you have access to.
Take action. Be a man. That is the path to saving your marriage.
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Cool and calm will scare her a hell of a lot more than yelling at her. It shows you�re in control and unafraid.
EXACTLY. I was so scared that my BH hardly flinched when he confronted me with evidence, I had no idea what to do. I did instantly shut up, and listen to what he had to say about the M and how to go about saving it though. Had he acted like a banshee, I'm not sure I would have stepped up to the plate so easily.
FWW-29
BH-30
Married 7/2004
D-day 2/2011
Hoping for Recovery
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Married Forever- I really want to follow your advice and I agree it's a solid plan. But how is going NUCLEAR going to improve my chances? Look, I'm not a "wimp" by any means and I've tried to follow the most reasonable path possible. The affai did die at one point. My failure was to make sure contact was totally cut-off. But regardless, I have not lost control of the situation. So yes, I will be sending her packing but will do so with a calm level head. The day you obligingly moved out to give your WW ample space to conduct her affair was the day you became a wimp in her eyes. No woman wants a wimp for a husband! still, you're talking about sending your WW packing. So what do you want to do, here? End the A or end the M?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Married Forever- I really want to follow your advice and I agree it's a solid plan. But how is going NUCLEAR going to improve my chances? Look, I'm not a "wimp" by any means and I've tried to follow the most reasonable path possible. The affai did die at one point. My failure was to make sure contact was totally cut-off. But regardless, I have not lost control of the situation. So yes, I will be sending her packing but will do so with a calm level head. The affair has not died. Therefore, it is not reasonable to conclude your plan is reasonable. No one is telling you to be UN calm. We are telling you to stop being complacent. Your complacency has only served to ENABLE this affair and gives the impression you don't care very much. Those of us who have saved our marriages exposed the affair and raised holy hell. You have not done that. We told you to do that in the past and yet here you still are. With an ongoing affair. Your wife is in complete control of your marriage so it doesn't make sense to say you have not lost control. You most certainly HAVE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To the house question: Yes, I did. This OM lives clear across the country so I wasn't ever concerned that he would live there. And if he did I would probably be behind bars. Anyways, my wife and I will be trading places. You are an enabler, Sir. And enablers don't make it. The worst thing in the world you could do is move out and abandon your family in their time of need. Many Texas courts FROWN on that and they should. All you did was facilitate the affair. Why in the world would you possibly leave your home? If abandoning your family in their time of need is not the definition of a wimp, I don't know what is. Dr Harley calls this man in this call and enabler: click here "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Married Forever- I really want to follow your advice and I agree it's a solid plan. But how is going NUCLEAR going to improve my chances? Look, I'm not a "wimp" by any means and I've tried to follow the most reasonable path possible. The affai did die at one point. My failure was to make sure contact was totally cut-off. But regardless, I have not lost control of the situation. So yes, I will be sending her packing but will do so with a calm level head. The affair has not died. Therefore, it is not reasonable to conclude your plan is reasonable. No one is telling you to be UN calm. We are telling you to stop being complacent. Your complacency has only served to ENABLE this affair and gives the impression you don't care very much. Those of us who have saved our marriages exposed the affair and raised holy hell. You have not done that. We told you to do that in the past and yet here you still are. With an ongoing affair. Your wife is in complete control of your marriage so it doesn't make sense to say you have not lost control. You most certainly HAVE. Agree. stillwater YOUR DEFINITION of calm and in control has not worked. How about trying our definition? That definition includes taking control of your life by exposing the affair -- that doesn't mean be a "screaming lunatic" that means telling key people the TRUTH about what is going on and asking for their help. That definition includes letting OM know that you will NOT hand him your wife on a silver platter -- that he will be NAMED in any divorce proceedings and subpoenaed for deposition. All of these are reasonable actions taken to save your marriage and family. They are logical - they are rational -- they are honorable. They are the actions of a LEADER -- They are the actions of a HERO. Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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stillwater~
The other night I stood in our kitchen -- the 3 of us gathered around the island -- talking, laughing and having a great time. I stopped in that moment and said, "I am so grateful for this -- for our family -- I love both of you so much".
If Mr. W had rolled over in 2005 the above scenario would not have happened. He saved our family from ME...He is my hero.
I say prayers of thanksgiving daily for our family.
Please fight, stillwater. Even if you don't want to save your marriage, and that would be understandable -- fight so that OM doesn't have the opportunity to be in the lives of your children.
Do all that you can to kill this affair, stillwater.
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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You're right. I am afraid. I'm afraid of over reacting and pushing her away for good. That any wrong thing I do withdraws from the account and overshadows all the deposits I have been making. I also like the approach when I return to the house that I am moving back in and she can stay or go...without the kids. And I will start writing a letter showing that despite my love for her, I will not put up with this crap and when she's ready to SERIOUSLY work on our marriage to come back then and only then. Also, I will contact the OM's wife to verify that she knows and then inform the OM's parents as well.
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You're right. I am afraid. I'm afraid of over reacting and pushing her away for good. That any wrong thing I do withdraws from the account and overshadows all the deposits I have been making. I also like the approach when I return to the house that I am moving back in and she can stay or go...without the kids. And I will start writing a letter showing that despite my love for her, I will not put up with this crap and when she's ready to SERIOUSLY work on our marriage to come back then and only then. Also, I will contact the OM's wife to verify that she knows and then inform the OM's parents as well. Sounds like a good start. And here is the thing, SW, women do not like wimps. We love men that we can respect and we do not love men we can run over and treat like crap. You will show your wife you CARE if you start standing up for your marriage instead of rolling over. Show her you CARE by fighting for your marriage. It is a lovebank withdrawl to allow a tyrant to run over you. Go home without warning. Expose this affair wide and far. Call the OMW, call the OM's parents. Expose that loser on FACEBOOK. [we will help you do this.] tell your kids and all your family about her affair. And when you get home DEMAND that she end her affair. DONE. If not, this will lead to a nasty divorce where you file on grounds of adultery and have the OM subpoenaed into court to give testimony under oath. She will be forced to turn over all her emails and texts and letters from and to him. Her affair will be dragged out in the TEXAS court system. Unfortunately, this is a not a very affair friendly state so she will be ruined.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're right. I am afraid. I'm afraid of over reacting and pushing her away for good. That any wrong thing I do withdraws from the account and overshadows all the deposits I have been making. I also like the approach when I return to the house that I am moving back in and she can stay or go...without the kids. And I will start writing a letter showing that despite my love for her, I will not put up with this crap and when she's ready to SERIOUSLY work on our marriage to come back then and only then. Also, I will contact the OM's wife to verify that she knows and then inform the OM's parents as well. You are heading in the right direction...now. Being assertive might make her mad, rather have her be mad than be nice and lose her forever. With the OM out of state it is easy to keep feeding the fantasy of what if. She needs a reality check and quick. Want you to think about this.... Here is a real motivator... She leaves you, leaves the state with YOUR children and the POSOM is raising YOUR kids with his immoral ways. You get the kids maybe summer, maybe some holidays and another marriage that could be fantastic just withers away because we want to be "nice". I did too little, too late...read my "sig" and you will understand the what ifs. blessings .
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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SW, I would go for broke and do the most effective and impactful exposure you can so you get your money's worth. If you are going to piss her off, lets make it worthwhile.
I would make up a list of exposure targets and plan this out. Call her family and friends, tell them about the affair and ask them to "use their influence to persuade her to end her affair." ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE.
Then move onto a nuclear exposure of the OM: to his wife, his parents, his facebook friends.
If your children are over 4 they should be told about the affair too.
It might be best to first GO HOME and then take a full day and expose the affair wide and far. It needs to be done in the same day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I will start writing a letter showing that despite my love for her, I will not put up with this crap and when she's ready to SERIOUSLY work on our marriage to come back then and only then. Mr. Wondering here (NOT Mrs. Wondering) To be clear... I hope that you do not write your wife a letter telling her what you INTEND to do. A letter AFTER you've taken action MAY be OK but not before. Do not forewarn her. I also don't like a letter after that much either (unless it's a straight Plan B letter which you've got time to prepare for) because without an attorney looking it over such "letters" are apt to make you look bad in a court of law (custody and/or divorce hearing). Don't help her case out by documenting a "get out" letter that could be interpreted by any lawyer as threatening. If such letter references leaving the kids too then it could be twisted to imply that you are trying to alienate her. Don't document their legal case for them. Solution: State your case VERBALLY and calmly stick to it this time. Don't waffle. Accept the consequences of saying what you mean and backing it up if and when the need arises. Divorce is an acceptable outcome because it's where you're heading anyway (unless she stops her affair). You can't drive her further away from you than she already is. Absent NO CONTACT FOR LIFE there is no progress to be made at all. You've got absolutely nothing left to lose. Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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btw...I am only referring to not writing a letter to your wife laying down the law (I'm moving home and you have to get out without the kids type letter). Written ultimatums have a tendency to sound controlling and hostile. She deserves it but that's not how others would read it.
I am not saying that to regular exposure letters and emails are a problem at all. They are fine if done in MB form (if you aren't sure how just ask).
Mr. W
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I am afraid. I'm afraid of over reacting and pushing her away for good. That any wrong thing I do withdraws from the account and overshadows all the deposits I have been making. No no no no... Exposure is only a lovebuster for the FOGGY. When she is out of the fog, she will most likely THANK YOU for standing up and fighting for her. You want to help bring her out of the fog, that is the whole point of exposure!
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Fear is a disabling emotion, I had gut feeling that is what was going on.
You should be ANGRY, not fearful. H*ll would have been a pleasant place for anyone who dared get in my way when I found out the A had never ended. I was the poster girl for "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
I was not afraid ~ I was FURIOUS. How dare this POSOW try to waltz in and take MY husband, MY life, MY children and all that *I* had worked my whole life for??? She had some nerve and there was no way in h*ll I was going to roll over and take it. This isn't even touching on how I felt about FWH at the time, either.
My FWH has THANKED ME for exposing his A and ending it. He was RELIEVED. Your M can survive your WW's temporary anger over exposure, it will NOT survive an ongoing A.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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My FWH has THANKED ME for exposing his A and ending it. He was RELIEVED. Your M can survive your WW's temporary anger over exposure, it will NOT survive an ongoing A. My FWH was 'relieved' and 'thankful' when OWH exposed their affair. He was GLAD for the exposure! I, of course, am thankful as well.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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My FWH has THANKED ME for exposing his A and ending it. He was RELIEVED. Your M can survive your WW's temporary anger over exposure, it will NOT survive an ongoing A. My FWH was 'relieved' and 'thankful' when OWH exposed their affair. He was GLAD for the exposure! I, of course, am thankful as well. Right, at the time they are probably humiliated and that comes across as angry ~ but as time goes on and they are essentially saved from themselves, they are often grateful.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Listen to the others.... overcome the fear... Expose!!!
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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