Hi all-

Three weeks ago, I found out about the A. My W went to Vegas with her sister and friends, and little did I know she was meeting someone she had been seeing for a couple of weeks. When she left, our marriage seemed fine (I did find out they were intimate once before Vegas), but when she returned, she was distant, angry and aggressive. It took me about 2 weeks to confirm the affair (she denied phone conversations as "just friends"), but one sister finally came clean.

Since, we have struggled to live in the same house. I bent over backwards to be the husband I wasn't (more cleaning, cutting back on work, helping anyway I couuld, basically freaking her out as a "new man"). But I was very clear all contact had to end, and it seemed it did, but that was not the case (I found a go-phone). It seemed we couldn't go a day without a huge blow up or arguement (all before I found this site). The stress and tension in the house was unbearable. She asked several times that I leave to give her time to work through her feelings. She was unsure if the marriage was worth salvaging, if she could ever be trusted, if she even wanted to be married. I know she is carrying immense guilt and shame, plus feelings for the man who is currently meeting some her emotional needs (ones I failed to me).

Two days ago, I agreed to leave for 2 weeks. We have two children, and explained the situation to them (obviously traumatic). I only asked she break it off with him, as the only condition of me leaving. They did not(he still calls her). When confronted, she says she keeps telling him it is over, but he still calls. He is from out of state, so I know no physical contact is happening, but contact is still difficult for me to take. I think it has gone underground, as she recently changed her email password.

I am in a place where I can't really sit down and discuss any of the information at this site with her. She is not open to recieving that from me. I have printed out information, highlighting points that I think are very key to our situation. I am thinking of giving that to her. Good idea?

I am lost as to how to proceeed. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

My particulars:

Me: 41
W: 32
Married: 7 years (together 11)
Children: 9 and 15 (from previous marriage, he is very hurt and angry about our seperation and blames her)
OM: Age, unkown. Out of state.
Length of A: 5-6 weeks

Move back in.
Today.

Married? Girlfriend? Occupation?

Unacceptable to not know details.

Why did your first marriage end?

First thing:

1.) MOVE BACK HOME AND DO NOT MOVE OUT AGAIN. She asked you to move out so that she could carry on her AFFAIR, and for no other reason. You are enabling her AFFAIR by moving out. Start packing immediately and move back home, no warning.

2.) Read up on exposure. This is how you will kill the affair. You cannot even think about recovery until the A is dead. Exposure is the most powerful weapon in killing the A.

3.) Read up on Plan A and begin Plan A'ing your a*se off.

Perfect that Pep is here ~ click on the link in her sig line on the Carrot and Stick of Plan A. That will explain exposure and Plan A.

I was not married previously. She was. She was married young (18) and was not happy.

So, I if I move back in, she will obviously be very, very PO'd. Good chance she leaves. That is fine?

You can work a better Plan A if she stays with you in the home. If she decides to leave the kids need to stay with you in the home.

Was she married when you met?

If she leaves you cannot stop her but she does not take the children or anything out of the marital home except her own personal belongings.

You can't tie her to a chair, so if she must go, then she goes. But the kids stay with you.

Was she unfaithful during her first marriage?

She was divorcing when we met. Not unfaithful that I know of.

So she was still married...which means yes, she was unfaithful and you were the OM in her first marriage.

She was still married.

Move back in. Now.

She wants to leave, then SHE moves out.

You were romancing a married woman, Down. That put the building of your relationship on rocky soil.

Hold on, need to be clear. I knew her when she was married. She worked where I work. We did NOT date until after she was divorced.

So the children are hers from the first marriage?

If you move back and she leaves, she is in her means to take them with her.

Still, move back in.

You just said she was divorcing when you met.

Did she leave her first H because of you?

One child (15 boy) is hers from previous marriage.

9 yo Daughter is ours.

15 year old is very, very angry at her. When we talked about me leaving for a couple of weeks, he turned to her and said: "You did this to me, now you are doing this to my sister".

More details on OM: He lives in New York, was visiting Arizona for a study he was doing (he is a sociologist). She tells me he is actually out of country for 2 years on an assignment (I am fairly certain he works for the State Department). He is not married. Not sure his age.

OK, want to be clear on the "met" comment. We worked together. She was divorcing her husband at that time. She moved into a place of her own, was divorced BEFORE we went on any dates or became romantically involved.

I am sorry that I used the term met incorrectly.

One question I have. Is it common for the offending spouse to make the following comments:

- I am not sure I want the marriage to work
- I just don't have feelings for you right now, and I don't know if I ever will. I need this space to work that through
- The marriage has been broken for a while, but I just never spoke up (much to my surprise and everyone we know)

All... I know I am being naive. But that is why I am here, for cold hard truth and advice.

I will move back in tonight.