Hello,

I will try to make this as succinct as possible and I apologize for not knowing all of the acronyms and shorthand around here.

I wish I wasn't posting this, but here goes - my wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We are both in our mid-30's and have one daughter (4).

We had rocky periods in our relationship, as everyone does, but I never thought it would come down to what happened. She had been growing distant from me and it especially got worse at the beginning of this year. She worked late, went to a lot of work functions and parties - but I never suspected anything and I trusted her implicitly. She began to talk about one of her co-workers a lot and although I was uncomfortable with it, I didn't suspect anything. He was having his own marital issues and would tell my wife about them.

Alledgedly in January he attempted to kiss her and she rebuked it, but the next month he did the same thing and she didn't fight. This led to a full-on PA and I discovered it in April, when she requested a separation based on "I don't love you anymore" and I checked her email and discovered the typical "I love you and can we wait for each other to figure our lives out" stuff.

I confronted her and she denied three times, until I finally confrotned her with the evidence (emails) plus I found hotel receipts and condoms in her purse.

Within a week of discovery, I was enrolled in psychotherapy and on anti-depressants. I want to work on becoming a better person first before I can fix my marriage, which I hope isn't too far gone.

At the beginning of this month (May) the PA apparently ended with the OM wanted to patch things up with his wife. My wife insists it was her doing as she wants to make "the universe right" again and feels guilty for the affair. She claims that they remain friends but he still tries to kiss her - but I found an email from last week that said he was "110% of what she wanted in life" and was having a hard time with the end of their PA. So I don't know who or what to believe anymore.

The thing is, she still has complete contact with this OM, works with him daily, goes out after work in groups with him, plays soccer together - she even spoke with the OM's wife to wish her a happy mother's day (they are FB friends). How messed up is that?

I'm optimistic but I'm no moron - I know this is still an EA and possibly a PA - but our home life is relatively normal with me fulfilling the loyal husband role while she has her cake and eats it too.

She has hinted about us staying together but not explicitly saying it. She flip-flops and puts me through an emotional roller-coaster of uncertainty. Now she says she's worried the universe won't work out and she refused to elaborate. I know she wants the OM's marriage to fail after he makes a token attempt to fix it, and they can be together.

She has also lied to the OM, claiming that I am a terrible person (which I'm not) and a bunch of other things that are outright lies, which I don't get. Why would she lie to him?

In terms of disclosure, my family knows(mom, dad, sister) my best friend knows and my co-workers. Her family knows that we are "separated" but living toether but they don't know what she did. She told one of her friends about the PA and told her cousin that we separated because I am a "great dad but terrible husband." Really? Last time I checked I didn't cheat! The OM's wife knows something happened but I question if she knows the extent of it. I don't even know how to contact her if I wanted to disclose it.

I want to make my marriage work again - even if she doesn't want to and is still in the fog right now, but I don't know my next steps.

I'm confused about what to do...what does everyone think?

Thanks.

Forgot to mention that I've read the basic concepts, have been trying despite everything to fulfill my wife's EN's and have avoided any Love Busters as best I can...but I'm starting to feel a little empty and frustrated.

OK BBNB, get ready and listen up. As long as your WW (wayward Wife) Has anything to do with this OM (other Man) your fighting a losing battle. The first and foremost thing to do is EXPOSURE IN NUCLEAR FASHION to everyone. Especially her workplace.But it takes a few days planning to do it correctly.You have just been unwillingly dragged into a WAR. I hope you understand this is now a WAR. Wars are won with plans. Much of what is going to be told to you here is counter intuitive, but FEAR of doing these things will probably result in a D (divorce)
Are you sure you want your M to recover firstly?

Welcome to MB, BBNB.

Isn't OMW on Facebook? Send her a private message there.

Welcome to MB. You need to get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley right away! Second, your WW needs to quit her job. NC is the ONLY way you will recover your M. Sorry you need to be here.

Thanks - I do think my M can work again even if it's rough right now, I still love things about her but she's completely off of her rocker.

I've read here about exposure and how this is war and I'm prepared to fight, but don't know the steps to take and put in place to get through it.

I really want to talk to the OM's wife, truth be told but don't know how to contact her other than on FB. Should I create a dummy account and act as a "concerned citizen" or be myself when exposing?

The OM's wife knows something happened but I question if she knows the extent of it. I don't even know how to contact her if I wanted to disclose it. Hold off till the plan is formulated, you dont just start randomly exposing.

OK, this is all good advice.

It sucks because she CAN'T quit her job because of finances, but I know that NC needs to happen, it's really a rock and a hard place...

Yes, contact OMW asap. You need to tell her who you are and give her a way to contact you. She is your greatest ally to end this affair. If your WW has a FB account does she have OM listed as a friend? You need to do a fast and broad exposure to his family/friends and hers. Just tell the truth. There is a thread around here about FB exposure.

BBNB, your WW MUST quit her job. How you D affect your finances? Is your M not worth more than the income she brings in?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, BBNB. I am very sorry you are in this mess. But if you can follow these suggestions, you can probably save your marriage. The basic issue is that she is in her affair and the longer this goes on the more entrenched it becomes. That means that the solution is to kill her affair. And that is not that hard to do if you will expose it.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and that is how hers has been allowed to thrive and grow. Affairs are fantasy addictions so exposing them is like bringing in a crowd of people to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the high! It is no fun to get high when people are watching you with disgust on their face.

Dr Harley, who has saved thousands of marriages over the years, calls exposure:


In your case, the OM is married so that would be a great exposure target. I would plan a very strategic exposure mission and expose the affair wide and far in one fell swoop. It is better to do in one day so that it has the maximum effect. Trickle exposures do not work. In your case, I would expose like this:

1. the OM's wife
2. your wife's parents and close family [ask them all to speak to her and use their influence to persuade her to end her affair]
3. the HR director, key VP and your wife and the OM's supervisor at the workplace [we have a letter you can use]
4. close friends
5. The OM's parents and close family from his facebook page

Additionally, I would explain to your wife that she will have to quit that job in order to stay in the marriage and END ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM. It needs to end NOW. And I don't get this nonsense about "separated." Separated means "separated;" if you live together you are obviously not separated. That is wayward foolishness that is used to get away with living like an alley cat in heat.

And lastly, I would plan on having a face to face with this loser and informing him that hell is coming his way if he doesn't buzz off. Let him know that if he doesn't stay away and this goes to divorce that you will have him dragged into court when you file on grounds of adultery.

That is how you kill an affair. You drive a great big knife in its heart!

BBNB, read this thread carrot and stick of plan A You are working on the carrot without the stick of plan A

I dont agree about contacting his wife ASAP. But others may chime in soon too. EXPOSURE should never be trickled. It goes off like a surprise attack. Planned.
She or He must go from the Job. Its your finances or your M. It has to be chosen unfortunately.

Look up her phone # and address and try calling her. Use *67 so the OM doesn't see your # on the caller ID. If you can't reach her, drive to her house and tell her in person.

The letter that should go to her workplace is this one:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Order the book today, either from the bookstore here or from an online service like Amazon, or you might find it in a large bookstore. I found a copy in Borders in California, and I was only there for two days. I live in the UK!.

Meanwhile, there are a number of Dr Harley's articles available free on this site. Start with How to Survive an Affair, and note the steps that it requires.

The first step is that the affair must be ended with complete no contact (NC) between the affair partners. If you expose your wife's affair at work, her employers might bring a swift end to contact between them by moving or firing one of the affair partners, especially if one works in a supervisory position over the other.

If your wife is willing to end the affair, however, she will leave the job anyway. Once she has done that, she will write a letter of no contact to the other man (OM), and you will ensure that this is posted to him.

Your first step is to expose to OMW and your wife's employers, TODAY. You know this man's name and who he woks for. It cannot be that hard to find a contact address or email for his wife. Try googling her name and see what comes up. I found my H's OW within 5 minutes on Google, even though she lives in another country and all I had was her first name and surname. Her name is very common throughout the world, and yet only one person with her name coud have been at a meeting my husband attended, whose minutes were posted on the Internet. I found her home address, home telephone number and husband's email address within seconds of finding that document.

Look for this woman. It won't be that hard. Don't make excuses.

You have a good chance at saving this M if you
--expose early
--expose to OM's wife

I firmly believe that if the AP is married then the spouse (and you) can put the extra pressure from both sides and that kills the A pretty fast!!!
blessing

Counter intuitive yet? Fear yet? MelodyLane is giving you rock solid advice.
As long as your WW is IN the A you have 0 chance of making your M work.

WHAT???

Please don't come to the thread of a new poster in a desperate crisis and contradict the advice that experienced, regular posters are giving.

Nobody is suggesting that exposure be trickled, but there is no reason to withhold this information from the wife for one second. She can be told today, as can any family members and friends who do not already know. The employers can be told today as well.

Nobody has suggested telling only the wife and not the employers or family. As it is, this exposure has ALREADY been trickled because some family members know, but not the wife, nor the employers.

He needs to track the wife down and expose to her TODAY.

Go to the OM's facebook page today and copy and paste his friends and family into a word doc for safekeeping. Pick out his parents and family members and put them on your exposure list. Here is a sample exposure letter for facebook:

Facebook exposure suggestions. First thing: go to the OP�s facebook page and copy and paste all their contacts into a word doc. This is real important because when you start exposure, you can expect the target to shut down the page.

When you expose on facebook, you should select key targets and send them a private message. Do not write this on a wall because it will be buried and ignored. Space your private messages out 60 seconds so fb does not shut you down for flooding. Make sure your full name shows up on facebook. Change your picture to one of you and your spouse and make sure there are several pictures of your children that are visible to the public.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

Yes lets send them off half cocked to call OMW without a plan first. When I made that comment he had little info to go on. What if he had picked up the phone and just called her then without a FULL understanding of the exposure process.
no reason to withhold this information from the wife for one second Again I dont agree. It should be his first call AFTER he has all targets aligned. Or its just a continuation of trickling the E.