Hello everyone,

Unfortunately this is a long post but I am guessing a lot of them are on this site.

My wife had an emotional affair after 8 years of being together - 5 years of marriage. She says that it is over between her and the OM and right now I believe her. She will still occasionally be seeing the OM at work for less than a month until school ends. They are both teachers and do not work directly together but pass in the halls from time to time. I know some will suggest that she quit work immediately to stop seeing him but there are only 20 days or something left so please do not suggest that. I know she will not do it. If she did; it would make it impossible for her to find another job next year away from the OM.

About 8 months ago (October) she came to me telling me that she wasn't happy. She said I didn't talk to her nice enough and I was too critical of her. I took what she said to heart and began changing the tone in which I said things and I worked on being more patient. I have really improved a lot because I had no interest in being mean to her; my patience had just dwindled over time as our marriage became less fulfilling for both of us. Unfortunately we did not begin communicating and connecting like we should have after that talk because we didn't know we should. We hadn't yet read anything about creating a good marriage and didn't understand any of the underlying problems. I began to improve my behavior but she didn't notice because she was so hung up on her unhappiness.

My wife had been friends with the OM since September and the two of them were both having marriage issues and began discussing them together around March. A romantic love grew out of this about a month ago. My W says that she checked out of our marriage around Feb / March and gave up. She said that the OM was not the cause of this, it was her unhappiness and that she could no longer deal with it. I know however that her involvement with him is what allowed things to collapse so fast from March until now, even though I was treating her much better.

When my wife informed me of the affair she had completely convinced herself that she did not want to be with me. She said she loved me as a friend but not romantically at all and she hadn't in a while. She was ready to move out and get divorced. After she saw how much it upset me to hear that she was leaving and after I discussed how much damage she would do to us, our friends, and extended families, she agreed to stop seeing the OM and give fixing things with me a try. This was 2 weeks ago.

The first week was difficult with both of us not feeling very good about our future. There were some mild arguments and some outbursts from me that didn't help. Then last weekend we had a great time while visiting my family for my Sisters graduation. We really connected and she even initiated some of the most passionate sex we have ever had. Things were looking and feeling much better and her attraction to me seemed to be growing.

Once we came home from the weekend and she went back to work she has been less positive that she wants to make things work. I believe that seeing the OM is causing withdrawal issues and is holding us back. Also, her thought of getting another teaching job by spring is stressing her out.

My wife is also hung up on another issue. She is not physically attracted to me and says that she never really was. She was attracted to my personality and she thought that was enough. She has apparently felt throughout the course of our marriage that she should not have married me because the physical attraction is more important to her than she thought. I am not sure if this is really true or if as we lost the emotional connection, I became less attractive to her in general, and so she began focusing on the physical attraction as being the real problem. I am actually thinner now than I was when we got married. She says I am handsome and cute but was never really her type. She never mentioned the lack of physical attraction over the course of our marriage because she did not want to hurt me. When I ask her what I can do to be more physically attractive she says she doesn't know. I do know that she finds the OM much more attractive than me, so again he is probably the cause of her focus on attractiveness.

We are reading His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters and the accompanying work book, but she seems to have only mild interest in making things work. We also have seen a counselor once and have another appointment set up but the guy could not convey to me his process to help couples recover from an affair. He didn't have a plan so I think I need to find another counselor with a plan. Not just one who is going to talk with us without providing tried and true solutions. We are in crisis and he did nothing to even address it at the first meeting.

My question is how do I bring her back to wanting to make things work with me? I am trying to add love units daily and she appreciates what I do but there is now this thought in the back of her head that things are never going to work because of the lack of physical attractiveness and I'm sure her longing for the OM. It seems that when the feeling of guilt for hurting me wears off, so does her commitment.

My plan is to keep adding love units and building good feelings of me for her, and hopefully when school ends she will improve because the OM will be out of the picture. As many of you know it is extremely hard for me to stay positive and not give up. If she was gung-ho about fixing things I would feel great, but I never know from day to day what her commitment will be and I don't want to waste my time and emotions if she is never going to give things an honest chance.

Any thoughts, ideas or words of encouragement?

In order to move forward you have to complete step #1, which is complete and total no contact for life with her affair partner. Until that happens, you cannot go to Step #2. And you are right, her feelings of attraction will come back once you remove the OM and fall in love again. What is your plan if your wife does not find a job this summer? It is not uncommon for teachers to say they are looking for a job and then when August rolls around they are empty handed and insist on going back to their old jobs. Of course that spells the eventual end of the marriage. So, I would sure have a plan B lined up in case she can't find another teaching job, because your marriage won't make it if she goes back there.

The book that you need to be reading is Surviving an Affair. That will explain the basic dynamics of infidelity and give you a program to follow. If you are self disciplined and methodical,[and you do come across that way] you can recover your marriage on your own following this program. You would do much better than most marriage counselors, who don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. They actually have a higher divorce rate than the general population.

The greatest impact you can make on your marriage is to schedule 20+ hours of undivided attention time per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. This will cause you to fall back in love the FASTEST because this step will make the great love bank deposits. Policy of Undivided Attention

And lastly, does the OM's wife know what your wife and the OM have done to her? Have you warned this woman about the affair?

**edited**,

please stick to one thread. You were given solid advice in your original thread that your wife needs to end all contact and change job. Why are you questioning that?

Job change is always possible. Recovering your M while there is contact is impossible.

I started a new thread, not because I didn't like the initial advice, but because this has to do with a new subject (me working on getting her to fully commit). This is not the same topic as to whether she needs to leave her job or not. On other forums that I am on when you change subjects you start a new thread so that when people search for answers they can find threads that focus on a specific subject, not one long thread that deals with multiple subjects.

There will be much advice coming that getting your wife out of her version of the "infidelity incubator" that is every American school is absolutely necessary immediately. I believe that convincing you, and thereafter convincing her of this will take longer than the 20 days left in your school year.

You do understand the problem, right?

My wife had been friends with the OM since September .....October she came to me telling me that she wasn't happy......My W says that she checked out of our marriage around Feb / March and gave up.
after I discussed how much damage she would do to us, our friends, and extended families, she agreed to stop seeing the OM and give fixing things with me a try. We really connected and she even initiated some of the most passionate sex we have ever had.
Once we came home from the weekend and she went back to work she has been less positive that she wants to make things work.

Here's your game plan, my friend, assuming she continues to waver on full commitment to your marriage.

1 - NUCLEAR EXPOSURE - at work, and to families of both parties

2 - LET HER KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONTINUED INFIDELITY

3 - DEMAND IMMEDIATE N/C

Also, nothing she says for a while will be the truth. Everything will be a lie.

I have to leave right now for a while.....there will be some other folks around to give advice. Listen to them.

Melodylane, thanks for a great response.

I am not sure what will happen if she can't find another job. Right now things feel too tense for me to bring that up with her. It has crossed my mind, but I don't have a good answer.

I was worried about getting "Surviving an affair" for a couple of reasons. 1- I had read some reviews that said it really blames the betrayed spouse for causing the affair. I understand the logic behind this, I just didn't want to give her any more reasons to dislike me. 2. I wanted to focus on the recovery and not keep bringing up the affair. 3. We have read the chapter in His needs Her needs on surviving an affair as well as the stuff on the website and I figured that it probably gave us the main points to work with in conjunction with the 2 books we already have. We are spending a ton of time reading and not enough connecting. If you think I am missing out by not having the book I will try it.

The OM did tell his wife and apparently she packed up and left him. Because my W has cut of communication, I don't know where things stand now.

I am trying to determine if the OM really is the reason she can't seem to commit to fixing things, or if there are other underlying issues that I need to address.

Thanks again!

Actually, you will not get her on board while she is in contact, so right now you are back in square one each evening when she comes back from the job. It won't matter whether she sees him in person or knows that he is around.

NC means a complete darkness about OM's life and whereabouts. It means changing the whole environment that made the affair possible - jobs, mobile numbers, e-mail accounts, friends if there were any who were covering for them.

That is why I suggest you stick to one thread, because there is a certain order of steps for starting the recovery. Things just won't work when she has contact.

Neverguessed

1 - NUCLEAR EXPOSURE - at work, and to families of both parties. - This one is a tough one. It hurts very bad and is embarrassing to have anyone know that she doesn't want to be with me. I am also afraid it will cause tensions with her and my family in the future if we are able to fix things. I understand your point however and will consider it.

2 - LET HER KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONTINUED INFIDELITY - I have done this, the problem is that the consequences are not that bad to her right now. She's not sure she really wants to be with me anyways.

3 - DEMAND IMMEDIATE N/C - If you mean No Contact, then I have already done this and believe the she is holding up her end.

That is what I was afraid of. It is torture.

Look - you have every right to say to her what is in your mind. So, if her going to work every day is a torture to you, then you have to speak up and demand she will start job change immediately and call her sick today and stay sick until the school year ends.

Does your family, her family know about the affair? You need a support group to help you. Exposing the affair to people who can influence your W will help you tremendously.

Do you have any kids? If so, have you told them the truth?

HUH?? Nonononono. This is wrong. The betrayed spouse is NEVER to blame when their spouse chooses to engage in an affair! I'd love to know where you read that.

Correctly, the husband and wife share an equal responsibility for the condition of their marriage. The betrayed spouse is never at fault in an affair!

Part of recovery is addressing the affair and its impact on the marriage. You can't just put the affair in a box and cruise along to recovery.

Did you verify this yourself, or is this what your WW told you? You understand that waywards are consummate liars, correct? Believe nothing she says unless you can verify it yourself.

This is highly unlikely. They work in classrooms next door to each other. Waywards cannot be in contact with their affair partner at all, Steve. If they truly did try to 'do the right thing' and 'end' their affair, it will be back on and blazing shortly.

Yes. Surely she can be 'sick' til school ends. It isn't that long a time. There ARE substitutes.

If she chooses the job, she is not serious about the marriage right now.

That being said, you are not in recovery yet. You are still in the negotiating stage of plan A. Negotiating jobs, housing, ending the affair for real.

Get Surviving An Affair and read it but do not give it to your wayward wife to read. You read it only until sometime in the future your spouse possibly is actually in marriage rebuilding with you (long after this juncture).
By the way, the book does NOT put the blame of the affair on the betrayed. Reading it will show you that. Whoever read that into it on reviews didn't really read it through. They may have grabbed lines that appeared to say that but for the life of me......I can not imagine interpretting it that way.

One of Dr. Harley's common sayings is "There are reasons for affairs but no excuses for them". It means marriages are not perfect but that is not why affairs happen. Affairs happen because a spouse starts spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex and the affairees meet more and more emotional needs for the person that builds a feeling of love. Logical and easy to see how it happens if you read the book.

Do not introduce her to this site either.

Keeping it private and in secret WILL send your WW a true message that there are no consequences whatsoever to her actions. That will lead her to another affair or prolong this one.

That is also why you feel that the consequenses are not that bad to her - you haven't exposed.

**edited**, this forum is unique. Here, we ask each person to stick to one thread so that we can get an idea of what has happened to that person over time. It took me awhile to get used to it. IMO, for the purposes of what we do here, it works better than separate threads.

It might help you to think of it as one long thread about a single subject - you and your marriage.

Often people will come here and start a thread and then start a new one because they don't like or refuse to follow the advice given in the first thread. It makes the regulars a little suspicious when someone starts a new thread. Particularly if they don't spend much time on more traditional forums.

2 things;

Yes, you can get an impression from SAA that the BS is "blamed."

However, since you are HERE first, let's clear that up; what is actually going on, is mention of the BS's role in the marriage that left it VULNERABLE to adultery. The WS still has to be the one to plunge the dagger.

My opinion; that for a still-foggy wayward, this impression is actually HELPFUL in drawing them into a plan of recovery. My FWW was rather unfogged when we began reading it, and she got that impression, too... it turned her off, but we read it anyway.

Secondly; you can use the notify button to request a moderator merge this thread with your original thread. If you feel the need to "change" the title, you can do so in the subject bar in the full reply screen.

This is the EXACT same topic! She WON'T commit as long as they even just pass each other in the hall once a week! THe addictive thoughts and feelings are triggered, the w/d clock is set back to Day 1 and she will be confused about you and the M.

Trust me, I have been in your shoes!

Did you listen to the radio clip that markos posted in your first thread? The man's W was still working with the OM. If you didn't listen, please go back and do so.

The only way you can know anything to do with OMW is if you talk to her yourself. The lies that the OP tells about his marital status and OPS comes up constantly here on this forum.

You didn't answer the question on the other thread about OMW which makes me suspicious if you have ever talked to her. Please let us know.

I just told my W sister about it which I am sure my wife will be upset about. I am still trying to decide whether telling the rest of the family will help or not. About 4 years ago her father did the same thing she is doing; so he may not be any help. Also, I am worried it may cause her to shut me out permanently rather than forcing her to work on things.

We don't have kids yet so we don't have to tell them.

**edited**, please please consider this advice that I gave you in the first thread:



Ask her to give her notice that she won't be returning in the fall, because I can guarantee you that she won't do it and she has no intention of doing so. She is just stalling you...

No I haven't talked to her. I don't even know her name. I might be able to find out how to get in touch with her but it is doubtful.