Fwiw, I have almost finished a book about the lies and deception and the deceit (in his business that went to the top of a certain specialized financial market) I lived thru.

Is it semi-autobiographical? Hell yes.

Do I make it end how my psyche wants me to do? Ditto. So I take my own salacious story, turn it into a bit more of a Grisham-esque novel ( I actually know him and his family) courtesy of adding in the Russian mob (which could very well have entered into some of the dirty business dealings but is fake), a few tarteted "kills" in the book, and in the end, the ow commits suicide because she knows if she takes the stand, the mob will come after her, and also if she takes the stand, she would destroy her "lover". So I MAKE IT POETIC JUSTICE in overdrive to satisfy my wanting for the end I wanted in life (except for the addition of the murders and Russian mob involvement).

Tell your wife Stretch, to maybe watch the movie, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" because her story might have already be better written and made into a movie. In this movie, the betrayed dude (movie song writer) gets dumped by his long time live in girlfriend. He finds out she goes to Hawaii and is having an affair there with a rock star. It goes badly for her (she gets an std from him) and he (the betrayed dude) gets another chick. Sadly, this plot has been written before. Movie was great though!

Stretch, I as a woman, and a girly girl to the utmost top level, have NEVER wanted to read a romance novel. My "romance" character is Rhett Butler and that movie was done and I did read that book but more of a drama. My gf's also don't read them. We like funny stuff, or exciting action stuff believe it or not. Imho, today's version of the romance novel is Twilight, or a bit more mature version of the True Blood novels but mostly kids read it. Tweens, teens, and young adult women.

I think, her writing the novel is part of her own psyche therapy imho. It was part of mine, but I was advised by a well known author (screen writer) to wait until my emotions had died down to finish it. Did it. Just got a few more chapters to write and boy did my end result (except the last few) change. It got better in time when I'd had a more clear view to the past.

No, I didn't know what it meant. Makes sense now.


Me? I'd be bothered by her writing about her affair, but I tend to be more black or white on a lot of things. Maybe there's some gray here like the others suggest. But if it's a trigger for you, then she should be conscious of that. And I suspect that it's keeping this POS in her mind as well. How could it not?

It's too bad her "book-mates" don't know the true story, but I'm guessing they aren't her close friends? At this point, it may be in bad taste to air such laundry, but I pretty much agree with you in thinking that it'd be best if this storyline went into the trash.

Tell you what, why don't you have a real talk to your wife about the ending of this little book? Her response should be telling.

To both peachy and NW,

Emotions have been super hot on this book. All the time she was writing it and maintaining the lie, while she was lying to me and making me feel like a paranoid jerk, while she was fogged, and since the truth came out. Just too hot for either to think or talk clearly. Too hot for her to write her best per your thoughts peachy. And too emotionally raw for us to have the conversation you suggest NW. But soon, soon. We will get there.

It may be better handled via a counselor.

Are you still seeing a MC?

Yes. We are seeing a good MC. Old and wise. Puts us both in the spotlight at times. Doesn't play favorites. I like this guy. He is challenging! And a coach, a motivator, a believer.

So, last weekend we spent a couple days up north at father in laws cabin on the lake. I got a chance to talk with him one-on-one sitting around the campfire Saturday night.

Some of his thoughts:
"Well I told my daughter a few weeks ago, 'You know, I am worried that you are in a place where you become so mad at your H that you just blame him for everything -- right or wrong.' I talked about this with her mother too. (FIL/MIL are 20yrs D but they communicate.) I told her, 'You can't get so mad at him that you find him at fault no matter what he does.'"

Exposure at work! Someone, somewhere in the wayward's life will be able to get through to the wayward. Her friends did not, her little brother did not, her counselor did not. How about Daddy?

I thanked him for that. Told him that his daughter is really confused. Told him about her sending OM an email last month. Told him I am devoted and love his daughter and I am working really hard for her and her children. I really listen to her and am changing to be a better husband and father. I explained that this is exactly why we needed to tell him, and try to get more family help.

Another quote from FIL:
"After reading her book it became clearer what she did. I am disappointed and upset with her."

And this quote, not the kind of thing I would say... older generation is a bit blunt and mean:
"I told her to think about her prospects. With her baggage what does she think her prospects are out there. Its hard to find a man. When I was first divorced and single, there were six or seven divorced ladies coming after me. The prospects are not good for women."

Well, I told him I wassn't so sure that's something I would say.

Is it true? I don't know. She would find someone. I love her a lot and so would someone else. I don't suppose that part of Dad's lecture made her feel great. Not that she should feel great after a lecture from Dad. That's Dad's job, right? Give you tough love -- tell you if he is proud vs disappointed.

But as for the: "You have bad prospects out there." Its very important to me that she isn't sticking in the marriage because I am a safety net. A provider of stability. I talk about this off and on with Andy on his thread. I gotta believe she could be fine on her own. The kids would be harmed forever and totally unnecessarily -- but some man would fall in love with her. Her problem right now is she doesn't love herself, or believe in herself. And recently, the fog of "husband is at fault' has been lifting. Its gotta hurt.

...older generation is a bit blunt and mean:
"I told her to think about her prospects. With her baggage what does she think her prospects are out there. Its hard to find a man. When I was first divorced and single, there were six or seven divorced ladies coming after me. The prospects are not good for women."

Yup us old codgers say it like we see it!

Now you young chillun will fancy it up a bit like: "Dear, after me, at your age, it'll be less a question of how MANY men will be in your life, than of how LITTLE life will be in your men!" (Thanx to Mae West.)

So anyway, Stretch: WW still home? Ring still on? Fog still lifting? ALL of this improvement in FOUR months?

(I don't know how to embed video, so I'll just paste the url.)

Yes. Still home. Still a ring. Fog lifting.
She wants to "talk" today. Its been awhile since any heavy lifting. She is working on her depression. I am working on better husband and father. I am not getting a ton of LB units and ENs met right now but I get some every day.

LOL @ NG video. Stretch its a marathon bud. Im sure what her dad said had some effects on her. That fog is slowly lifting and all you can do is keep on keeping on. As long as you are dedicated to the plan I see 2 years from now being a great place for you and your FWW. She will eventually see so much change in you that she cant deny that its the right choice.

What's your timeline? How many months / years into the process are you Hils?

Wow UMMM hard to say. I originally found this site in 2005. I ho hunned about what I thought was an EA back then.
2008 was a full blown EA via texts. Now Feb 14,2011. I found a phone call to a Co-Worker OM on a Saturday. Found out they had been "talking" "Just Friends".
But Really I just never recovered and withdrew after the 2008 deal. 2009-2010 withdrawal from my family.

Wow. Long road hills. Please stay in touch.
Read our signatures. We are in the 40 EA BH club. Its a [censored].

So....

Exposure works? Downside...

Wife goes to see her cousin to get her hair done. Cousin says, "My Dad (my wife's uncle) told me you had an affair."

So my wife assumes her Dad told his brother and he told his daughter. Tongues wag...

She feels betrayed by her Dad.

She wonders why she told her Dad after exposure anyway.

Her therapist kept wondering why we told so many people (ummm because he has no clue about recovering M after affiars perhaps...??? therapists have no actual formal training or roadmap like MB...?? ... anyway, I digress)

She wonders if she told her Dad because she wanted help.... or because she thought it was to please me (ahhh, here is where it becomes "my fault")

She wonders if I get some sense of satisfaction when other people knwo? When she feels shame? That's her story. That I want other people to shame her. No... I want her Dad's help with our M. I respect him. (Don't know IF he told her uncle. Maybe he did. Probably not smart of him. That sucks. Can we move on?)

Look... hate to be a simple SOB.. but, don't do things in life you wouldn't tell your Dad, or you uncle, or your cousin about. I am not proud of everything I did in my life. But now... at 40, I am willing to mea culpa and tell my wife, my Mom and my Dad and whoever else all about it. She has been saying to her friends and therapist that she doesn't feel much shame. Her moral compass doesn't feel that wrong. So then... here's the test... why care about her uncle and cousin knowing??

Man oh man, she is so damn confused.

She has been saying to her friends and therapist that she doesn't feel much shame. Her moral compass doesn't feel that wrong.

Stretch, six months ago, your WW, the product of a lifetime of societal training about the importance of "doing what feels right", and "going for it" was drooling over some musician in bars, egged on by her similarly morally skewed girlfriends, and was absolutely okay with it, obviously feeling no shame among her "peers" for the shabby way she was emotionally abandoning her family and the marriage commitments that should have defined her responsibilities.(Wow, too much caffeine!) It was only a few weeks ago that she succumbed to the temptation of garnering some jollies by approaching that cliff yet again.

Dude, you're facing a task of turning around a lifetime of learned irresponsibility. Take it easy on yourself --- and her. It's like the old high-school physics problem -
Q: Given a 1000-foot-long chain stretched out on a perfectly horizontal-to-gravity surface with absolutely zero frictional resistance, what would happen if one link were to be dangled over the edge?
A: With no countervailing force resisting, that one link would eventually pull the entire chain off the platform.

Right now YOU and your dedication to the recovery of your marriage are that one "link". The trick is to ensure that there is no "countervailing force" - no contact with OM; no affair-validation from scum-sucking gf's and family members; no LB actions on your part - just constant pressure to move her psyche toward your goal. (BTW: Remember you were alone in this to start - one link. Now Dad is with you - two links. The analogy is working.)

As for Uncle Big Mouth? Uhhhhh, why was he not included in your original exposure? He shoulda been - it would have gotten all the "sting" out of the action immediately.

MB Corollary? - If "trickle truth" is the bane of the BS, does "trickle exposure" unnecessarily hurt the WS all the more?
(Yank the secetive bandage off the affair/infection all at once, or pull it off slowly, hair by hair?)

I have said to my FWW on many occasions that my telling everyone about her actions was a result of her actions period. If it embarrassed you after the truth was told it should have embarrassed you in the beginning and thats where your Boundaries and EP's would have kicked in. Now how are you doing with our EP'S honey?
I usually derail this babble.
She now eats lunch at her desk while on the phone with me. She takes quick lunch's. Goes in early so she can be home early. Calls me and texts several times daily. The exposure at her Job was contained by Upper Management so shes not walking around her work a scorned woman. Not my choice but I agreed with them as long as the "friend" was gone. They made that happen. So my nuke stopped with that there.
Our church staff know and a few of the people we know that go there. But 1500 members dont know so she is relatively comfortable there. They wouldn't let me put it in the Sunday bulletin
But Facebook schoolmates/friends got a huge serving. Which included my sons travel baseball crew. That one has her in turmoil. We will spend all summer with this group and she is team MOM so everyone adores her. It will be tuff for her but she is the one that made the choice not me. I flat out tell it like it is on this subject. Want a cookie dear following it.
Being what I suspect as a 3 x deal here I have really put the bar high. I will settle for no less. Thats the difference this time for me.
Inevitably my withdrawal from my family set the atmosphere for this EA. I caught it swiftly. But my convictions to recover are now so strong Ill not settle for less. Its Recovery and a Fulfilling M or its plan D.
If she doesnt work MB fully as I do for now thats ok. She will. Its just really simple if you think about it. When you place your wife above everything else and make her feel so wonderful and then she recognizes it and returns the love. Thats what a M is meant for. Partners.
Raise that Bar stretch. Settle in as In 2005 I started a nasty voyage. We stayed together but since 2005 only had brief moments of marital happiness. Now I will spend the rest of my Marital Life happy and having my EN's met or I will chose to end my M to find someone that will meet my EN's and want to be my partner. I have told my FWW this. Its now her choice not mine. I work at being the best Husband I can be daily. The rest is up to her. She has a choice and conditions to meet, so far so good.

That's the thing with exposure. You stop the list somewhere.

Hils - not everyone at Church knows. And not everyone at work. Well, tongues wag. Beans get spilled. What does your FWW do, say or feel when inevitably someone new finds out? Doesn't that still happen?

I did not have every single cousin, uncle and aunt on the exposure list.

ANd another thing that I cannot square... my WW has (on her own) gone out and exposed herself to additional people. Including another cousin. Including some of her writing friends. Including my two mates at work.

Finally, I suspect she didin't hear her therapist correctly. She thinks his opinion was that telling her Dad made no sense. She tells me that he said it was a bad idea. I'm not so sure that's just what she heard and interpreted. I suspect he was trying to understand her motivation for telling her Dad. I suspect her therapist was trying to figure out her moral compass. I suspect her therapist might have believed she told her Dad because she wanted him to help, she wanted a link in the chain, she subconsciously wanted her Dad to straighten her out.

But, what I am told, by her, is that her therapist felt it was best to just leave her Dad out of it.

Said she wanted "space" for a couple days to think and be hurt, sad, angry. I am on a two night biz trip, so she said, "Please don't call and text and email constantly."

But, tonight she texts, "I lied... I want to hear from you." And she sounds cheery and good.

Its kind of a pattern. She misses me. Its just those really low, depression, despair moments when we can barely talk. I just feel that I need to get up and walk away during those moments when her depression and tears are overwhelming... otherwise she will shoot a bullet at me. At least now I can see it coming, and translate the foggy words when it happens.

Foot off the gas... and patience. Keep on demonstrating Plan A behaviors.

My $LB meanwhile feels really low.

Hey stretch - I saw your post on Trace's thread and I didn't want to t/j but wanted to respond.


Honestly, if she's like me in a year that's better than remaining in a WW fog the rest of her life. She has to own her mistakes and grow the h3ll up whether you remain married or not, for the sake of your children, if nothing else!

We're on different sides of the fence, stretch, but I know that it hurts not to have your efforts acknowledged or reciprocated. I didn't get anything for my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day. I still gave him gifts for Christmas & v-day as well as his b-day and tried to put a lot of thought into what I give him. I've always liked doing that, putting little things in his Christmas stocking and stuff...He didn't do anything for me for Mother's Day, but that doesn't mean I'll repay in kind for Father's Day. ITA with Andy:


I've already taken care of part of H's Father's Day gift. He will always be the father of my children, whether or not he chooses to be my husband. How he feels about me is irrelevant. It is about him and his daughters.

Stupid, stupid WW to be angry at you. None of her cr@p is your fault. They say depression is anger turned inwards. FWIW I think she's mostly angry at herself and can't deal with it, so she lashes out at you - there's that "bullet" you're talking about. She needs to figure out how to deal with it before you lose your motivation. She's under the impression, I think, that you'll continue to stick around and take her lashing out at you when she feels depressed and rotten about herself.

What does your FWW do, say or feel when inevitably someone new finds out? Doesn't that still happen? Nothing really. She avoids bring anything like that up at all. Im sure she has had some land mines, but she wouldn't dare bring them to me. I would simply say you reap what you sow if she did. I have a so what attitude about exposure. After all its her fault not mine.
Unrepentant Waywards are tuff to deal with. Its like eating and elephant, all you can do is one bite at a time.
Oh and fire the therapist. Sounds like she may not be helping your situation at all basing that on the Dad exposure. Family is the biggest influence for most WS's so NOT exposing to them makes less sense.

She left that therapist after almost two years . He was with her from the beginning of the A. All during and since.
To me, it seems like he was not helping much. At least he always advocated for her to stay and try harder. He said he never recommends D or S because he has to work with so many children. So he kept trying to get her to work harder.

But other than that, he probably has no idea how to R a M. Very few MC's have any plan or clue. By following Harley's advice on how to pick a therapist I think we found a good one now.

Coach, motivator, experience, prepared us for the emotional stress, has a plan.