I'm not worried about the legal implications. I am a legal strategist and jury consultant in a large metro area. I only work 6 cases a year and do the majority of my work from home, so I can be MOM. I work with and know every judge in the area. I called her one time...FROM HIS PHONE, and she called BACK.

When I lay this out like I do evidence of a case, it's clear that she contacted him last August with the intent to have a relationship. She was in the midst of a divorce and it appears that she contacted a LOT of old friends (Male) from high school.

Hubby is in the wrong, but hubby is an engineer...he works as an engineering supervisor at a large manufacturer, but he is, at heart, and engineer. He tends to be a little on the oblivious side. I don't think he went into this with the intent to cheat, I think he thought he had a friend to discuss stuff with. (I have been known to call my brother (also an engineer) and ask him to "translate" for me so that I can talk to hubby about some issue.) I think that he thought he was helping a friend through a difficult divorce. She, on the other hand, was so juvenile that she was blubbering all over the place about how she wanted a relationship with him...to the point that she had a friend contact him and ask him if he liked her! (To his credit, he said no...that she was trying to save her marriage and he hoped he could help.)

BUT I don't think it is smart for a MAN to comfort a WOMAN through a divorce. I think that's dangerous. AND I think anything he said went back to his mother, and anything his mother wanted to convey to him that was anti-MJ came back through the OW.

I see no evidence of a physical relationship, BUT had I not confronted it, I can see it ending up in one. (And that sickens me.)

Hubby called tonight and asked if he was allowed to come home. I said of course. He expressed to me that he was very confused about what had happened today and was trying very hard to process what had happened with regards to OW and his mother. I can understand that.

He said there would be no contact with OW, but asked for a couple of days to sort of process the whole OW/mother thing before we talked about it.

I think that's fair....much as I want to barge in and start kicking butt and taking names.

I told him I wanted to know what his schedule was for next week so that we could work out some together time and begin the process of repairing. He agreed.

And your instincts are dead on.

Good for you for confronting OW and calling BS on her empty threats! She's messing with the wrong person, lol. The OW in my case tried to threaten the same thing and I told her to "bring it" because I had nothing to fear. I have also worked in litigation for many years and have learned a few things along the way.

If the OW in your case is ignorant enough to pursue it, let her. Who knows, you may even end up getting her to pay YOUR legal fees for even having to defend such a baseless allegation.

You did nothing wrong.

Glad you're here. We're a collection of personalities from all types of backgrounds and if you stick around long enough, you can make some great friends and learn a whole heck of a lot about building a great marriage.

One of the first thing hubby needs to do is agree to a "no contact" letter. This puts it out there in writing and in your world basically serves as a "cease and desist".

Go get "Surviving an Affair" as soon as possible and start reading the articles and threads on this website. There is a wealth of knowledge here to help guide you through this crazy ride you're on now. Many of us have walked before you.

Oh, and WH needs to learn some boundaries when it comes to his mother.

I did not know that my body could survive on such little sleep. I've slept about 6 hours over the course of the past 48 hours.

Someone asked how did all this information come to light---ironically, my 10 year old daughter brought it all to a head. We moved last fall and she and her brother left a lot of friends behind, so I allowed them to have Facebook pages---limited ones, which Mom also has access to. Their adult friends are all to be family members. Mom checks for inappropriate messages. Son is not allowed to chat. No photos posted, etc. I've tried to do all I can to keep them safe while protecting them from anything bad.

I few weeks ago, I posted a picture on my FB page of WH and DD snuggled up on the sofa. I tagged both my hubby and daughter in the photo.

When my DD saw the picture on hubby's wall, she commented on it. "I love it when you snuggle on the sofa with me and watch cartoons. I miss you being home from work in time to tuck me in at night! Mommy, brother and I LOOOOVE YOU!"

OW replied to her comment last Monday (Memorial day).

OW's reply was "Hmmmmm....interesting :-O "

My DD is very straight forward. She responded by saying "What?" and then PM'd the OW and said, "I do not mean to be rude, but I do not know who you are. Why do you think it is "interesting" that my bonus daddy would snuggle me on the sofa or I would love him? He and my Mommy have been married for over a year. We are a family. I do not know who you are. I am telling my Mommy."

The OW immediately removed her post and replaced it with "cute gal". DD posted publically on the wall, "WHO ARE YOU? WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR POST? WHY IS IT INTERESTING? I AM TELLING MY MOMMY!"

And she did

WH was at MILs house (without us) when this happened. I called him and said "You need to come home NOW."

He did.

I wasn't mad, at that point. I just said that I felt her responding to the post of a 10 year old child was inappropriate.

He said he had no idea. We went on his FB together and he removed the postings. OW messaged him via FB and sent him my DD's post. DH responded by telling her that she did not need to communicate with his 10 yr old daughter.

I decided to blow the whole thing wide open and sent her a message Tuesday morning.

This led to revelation that MIL had encouraged her...etc.

Last night I checked my FB and had three messages from her, which I shared with WH. He asked me to ignore her.

I want your opinion. I think I need to respond. She is putting all the blame on him and denying any wrongdoing, which is typical and designed to pit WH and I MORE against each other.

Here are her messages...

From yesterday morning, before the call.

Go back and read my May 31st note to you. I have said all I intend to say. Your correspondence with me needs to stop. This is no longer an issue with me. I am moving forward and suggest you do the same.PS. I suggest you stay out of my professional status. I havent been a PN for a while...BSN. ....fyi..

****She has a state LPN lisc that expires the end of the month...it's public record. She can have a BSN and NOT be an RN****


And then this one last night...

I've been thinking about your note and your call all day. I have felt horrible about the whole ordeal. Just wanted to let you know that I did not realize there was a relationship. Had I known, the first correspondence would've been the last. I hate this for you. I hope you can work things out if that's what you truly want to do. I can't believe all the falsehood I was told. That's what worries me for you, although it is none of my business. I just don't want there to be any hard feelings between us......we both didn't ask for any of this. Rest assured my correspondence has ended with G. For no reason will I communicate again, there's no trust left there. Thanks for listening. I do hope you build the life you want!


I am going to pray about it and respond. Unless one of you wonderful people convinces me otherwise before my caffine fueled brain goes into overdrive!

My message to her on Wednesday morning was a "faux" apology for my daughter "shouting" at her on WH's wall. I said that I understood them to be old friends and that I understood that she knew how long we had been together, etc. Told her I heard she was moving to our city and we could be friends!

Well, I did it. I replied, and I think it's pretty dern good.

I am impressed. She is trying to drive a huge wedge between me and my husband. She deflecting so hard, I'm surprised that sunlight doesn't bounce off her body. What a load of crap! For some reason, this woman thinks I'm like her and the MIL...undereducated, unsophisticated, and a total baby.

She is wrong.

Here is my message to her:

If you did not know he was in a relatonship, more than one person lied to you. I know you are friends with MIL, and I have been to her house many times. I was there for every holiday. SO----if WH lied to you, then so did MIL. (You might want to rethink that friendship, too.) I was at BIL's wet sanding WH's truck over spring break. I'm not some big secret. Since you've been left out of the loop in so many ways, I should probably share a few more things with you. I am self-employed as a legal strategist and juIry consultant in addition to owning my own business. I'm good at gathering information. Threatening me with harassment doesn't work, because I am not harassing you. With regards to my staying out of your professional status.. Your state Board of Professional Nursing Standards is a public website. You are an LPN. You got your license in 2008 and it expires June 30th of 2011. Having a BSN does not make you an RN. You have to pass your boards. If you passed your boards, you need to contact the state and let them know, because when anyone looks at you, you're not an RN. This will make it hard for you to find a job. I know this because before I knew what exactly had been going on, I felt sorry for you and called a friend about getting you a job.

I believe you knew. That you were encouraged by a third party, and that you have culpability in this. PLUS, you weren't even legally divorced when you started chasing him

MJ,

I am concerned the focus is a little too much on the OW.

What about your H? Did he agree to send the NC letter? Promising to have NC is not enough since talk is CHEAP. The NCL is an action that would show you he was serious.

Next, has he agreed to be transparent (giving you all passwords) & to implement ExtraOrdinary Precautions? The EPs would include changing the conditions that made the affair possible so if they were using FB and the phone to talk, that would mean closing the FB and changing his phone number. Please don't skip these steps. This is where your focus needs to be...

MJ,

I think you have good instincts here. And you are a fighter. Good for you.

In my case, the OW told me on the phone something along the lines of "I do not want your husband. I am so over it" and then proceeded to follow him around at work for three months until he left the job. So..... don't believe a thing OW says.

A real litmus test for your husband will be his willingness to write the no contact letter above. Also, his willingness to be transparent - to give you his phone, share passwords, etc.

Get the book, "Surviving an Affair" and read it as soon as possible.

I do think another concern here is that you have not been married very long for all this to happen.

AM

Yes, and in accord with this, is he willing to write a no contact letter to his mother so you two can build a marriage without interruption?

CV

I've had a busy weekend.

So far, my H has agreed to everything I have requested. He removed the Facebook app from his phone, gave me his password, and allowed me to change it to one only I know. Any FB message now 'pushes' to MY phone, not his. He sent the no-contact letter. He removed all her contact information from his phone and has allowed me total access to everything. Phone, email, etc. He has showed me (online) the timesheets/paystubs/schedules from his job and even pulled all his credit card bills since last September for me to show that there was only one trip to his hometown. I've seen the bank statements. He's doing everything I've asked for and more.

We have not dealt with the MIL yet, but that's more to do with lack of sleep than reluctance on his part to do the job.

He keeps saying that he knows he should not have had dinner with her (even cheap pizza) without mentioning it to me. He says that he did not say anything to encourage her behavior (other than one mildy racy exchange) but admits that he DID not discourage the attention she was giving him. He says that he thought that if he ignored her comments and was 'generic' in his replies, that she would go away.

Obviously that worked really well for him. (Note the scarcasm.)

Both he and OW say the only time they were in the same place at the same time was at a restaurant in Sept 2010. I think I believe that part---although that does not absolve him of the fact that there was an EA. (At least I believe there was.)OW responded to my message, saying that she had no idea that he was married. (Which we all know is NOT true.) She did not deny that she had lied about her RN credentials, etc.

H and I sat down with a calendar and figured out that my relationship with the MIL REALLY started to go downhill after MIL and OW became Facebook Buddies. I saw MIL at Halloween--no issues, at Thanksgiving it was slightly uncomfortable, by Christmas it was HORRIBLE.We are beginning to wonder if OW has made trips to MIL's home. It's also looking like OW's got some psych issues going on...she compared her "relationship" with my H to MY relationship with him, and expects me to side with her against him. (??????)

H asked me why I had gone totally ballistic without waiting for him to explain. I said that 1. this OW had contacted my CHILD, 2. I warned H about her months before, 3. My marriage meant more to me than ANYTHING and I was going to fight to keep it.He said that he felt badly that he had damaged my trust in him.

There's more to share, but my posts tend to be too long and I'm trying to be more brief.

MJ, the above is what you posted in the DiD thread.

The fact that OW was crazy or a liar or a DiD does not at all excuse your H's part in this. My H's OW was a liar and a DiD and I see that all the time here. The bottom line is your H has weak boundaries and allowed the EA to happen.

His relationship started like most others do ~ intimate conversation, discussing problems, feelings, etc.

He needs to implement EPs to ensure this doesn't happen again ~ no opposite sex friendships, no having lunches/dinners/car rides with another woman, no talking/texting/emailing to women about problems feelings, etc.

MJ, I am sorry to say that he is NOT being honest with you. He started to develop romantic feelings with her because they had met each other's ENs. He did pursue the relationship and it would have continued had you not found out.

Susie is right , the problem is not only the OW but that your husband has very inappropriate boundaries with women. Not to mention dishonesty. The fact that he lied about having lunch with her tells me he knows it was wrong.