Hello,
I have been lurking for a while, but am new to posting. I have been married for a little over three years to a man that I love with all my heart. Unfortunately, although it is not an excuse, I was abused as a child verbally and physically and I think because of that, I have suffered from a problem with being honest with my husband and others. For example, I told my husband and others that my mother (who was my abuser) had died when I was an adolescent instead of telling him the truth (we are estranged because I cannot have someone who did the things she did to me in my life). I also told him I was unable to have children becauswast the time I didnt think I would bgobble to be a good mother to anyone because of the example I grew up with and I didn't want to be asked about having a family. This all came to a head when I had an eight month long affair which ended in April when he found out about it. He confronted the OM and it is over. As it was all coming out, I also told him about my mother the other lies that I had been keeping from him.

He has two wonderful children from his first marriage that I love with all my heart. They have changed my mind about my ability to be a good mother and now I really do want to be a mom and have a baby with him. He is a great father. I'm not sure of all the reasons that led me to have an affair, but my husband does drink a fair amount and for a long time would come home agitated from work. We also have been living different lives for the last three years as I went back to school after we got married. I am done with school now, though.

I love him dearly and have started individual counseling and I am looking into psychiatrists, as I think I may have some issues that a medical doctor might be more suited to treating, although I am not sure about this either... I really want my marriage to work. We have been together since I was a senior in college and he is the only man I have ever lived with.

He is very hurt- about everything. It hurts me to no end to see him so hurt. He acknowledges that things weren't great during the time I was having an affair but refuses to accept any blame. He knows all the details, but keeps asking me hurtful questions like how I could say the things he knows I said to my OM and still be so sweet to him and tell him the same things. He says I ruined his life. He does tell me he loves me and wants our life and marriage to work. However, he is so up and down and all over the place. Other days, he will get drunk and spit in my face at night and tell me what a whore and horrible person I am. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I love my husband with my whole heart and I am so sorry.

One of the biggest things that hurts is that he says I am not showing any remorse. I am not sure what I can do to show him my remorse. I am trying to be honest and accountable, telling him everywhere I am and everything I do now. How does one show remorse. I feel it, but how can I "show" it better? He doesn't seem willing to move past this, even though he says he is.

Please help, any advice is welcome.

Welcome to MB, upsidedown.

The first thing that should happen is that THIS reasoning must go:

The first possible reason you give fior the affair is that your H drinks a fair amount. However, you need to realise that this had nothing to do with your choice to have sex with another man.

You also say that your H refuses to accept any blame, but he does not share any blame for your choice to have an affair.

If you are making these arguments to your H, even subtly, then he is not going to want to recover the marriage. You need accept the fact that only you are to blame for the affair.

Thank you. I really love him, I do realize that it was my choice to go outside of our marriage instead of trying to make things better with us. I am willing to make the radical changes that I need to to keep our family together. I just don't know how to show him this any more than what I have been doing. He knows all my passwords and checks phone records so he knows I am not in contact with the OM. He just can't seem to get past the betrayal. I want us to get past this so badly.

Edited down to only relevance to your marriage, and why it's in the pit TODAY.

There is an awful lot of excuse making in your post. My suggestion would be to man up here and stop acting like a child. The fact that you were abused as a child is no excuse to misbehave AS AN ADULT. You are responsible for your behavior after age 18. Your mommy has no control over you after that.

That is where I would start. You are dangerous unless and until you start taking some accountability for your abusive, cruel actions towards your husband. And you are not a child anymore. A 27 year old is old enough to know better.

Also, as a clarification, I did not have intercourse with the OM. But, we pretty much did everything but, so I guess to my husband there is no real distinction. To him, the emotional betrayal is what hurts the most, which I totally get as well.

I would recommend a moratorium on "move on, move forward, let it go, get over it" or any connotation of the sorts.

You have just murdered the innocence in the love your husband have for you. He needs to grieve that loss, and your insistence that he "move on" won't help him process.

Start by taking 100% responsibility for your actions and don't play the "abusive childhood" card anymore. Playing those games would infuriate any victim of adultery.

It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is. ...... Surely you are not trying to tell your H that not having intercourse [which is probably a lie] somehow changes anything?

Would you be willing to take a polygraph to prove this point because I sure don't believe it. It sounds like a lie to me. I can see why your H is not able to "move on." He senses you are lying to him. I sure do.

Actually yes, I would be willing to take a polygraph on this point, and any others. I did not come here to lie, I came here for help to save my marriage. And, he does believe me and knows I did not do this.

I also did not come here to get beat up for what I did. I know all the betrayed spouses here are in pain, but those of us who strayed and now want to rebuild our marriages and forge new lives are also in pain.

And, no I am not trying to tell him that the fact that we did not have sex changes anything- I was only responding to your assumption that we did, to clarify.

Updown,

Okay, here's my story:


I was abused physically and emotionally as a child by my father. I was raped and molested as a child by another family member any number of times. I was also raped by two other males as a child. I was physically abused by a boyfriend during a three-year relationship.


Easily, I could blame my stupid decisions on this background. Each and every time I do something idiotic, I could say,

"Well, I was an abused child."


And walk away from any responsibility for anything I do.



That is absolutely ridiculous, isn't it?!?!?!?!


Instead, what I did was make stupid decisions, and realize that I had some terrible influences in my life as the fallout from the events that had occurred. THEN I DECIDED THAT I COULD NOT ALLOW THE PAST TO MAKE MY CURRENT LIFE A CHAOTIC HE/L.


So I stopped living like I had no control over anything that happened.


The truth is, I wake up every single day, and decide to wipe my own butt. Then, I decide to wash my hands afterwards. Then I get my coffee, and decide if I want sugar or not. Then I decide to shower or not. Then I decide to be kind to my husband or not. Then I decide to get dressed, and whether or not I will bother to change underwear. Then I decide if I will go to work, and on the way I decide if I will speed or not, if I will obey the red light or not, and if I will listen to rock-and-roll or jazz.


And while I'm at work, I decide if I will treat my co-workers with respect, with disdain, or somewhere in between.


I decide if I want to use a pen or pencil. I decide if that guy across the hall is cute or not, and if I want to talk to him, and if I want to flirt. I DECIDE TO ACT MARRIED OR NOT.

I decide to be honest or lie.

I decide to respect myself, or act as though I have an excuse to be a cretin.


I decide to go straight home from work and treat my husband like he is the man I love, or someone I choose to alienate.


I decide to make love to him, or roll over and pretend I am asleep.


You. Chose. The. Affair.


You. Choose. To. Lie.


Just as your abuser chose to abuse, you choose today's reaction, today's attitude, today's direction.

From where I stand, you have no justification to abuse anyone else. In fact, you have more reason to never do that, having suffered this.

One more thing. Let the words "let's move on" never be uttered from your lips again, lest your lips burn off.

SB

School bus,
I am doing all of these things now. How do I deal with his ups and downs? How do I deal with the I love you and you are a good person days followed by the I hate you, you are the horrible person who ruined my life days. I also feel like he holds it over my head- any response I make to him that isn't "enthusiastic" enough is followed by him saying "sorry I am not as exciting as an affair.". I don't even know if he wants me to stay or go somedays...

No one is in "pain," dear. But you need to wake up to a few important things if you want to save your marriage. You need to stop blameshifting as a first step. That is not "beating you up" to point that out. If you get this defensive with simple directive comments I can understand why your H is having such a hard time with this. Are you this defensive and immature with him?

You don't sound remorseful, accountable or truthful at all to me. And I have no doubt that is impeding your progress. So I would drop the defensiveness and try to pay attention.

Additionally, I would set up an appointment with a polygraph tester and let your H write out a list of questions for you. Your story is not believable.

One place to start is to read the material on the site about extraordinary precautions. After reading it, make a list of EP's for him. Things you will do to protect him and your marriage from further harm. This is one way to demonstrate repentance.

It also provides some assurance that you will not do it again.

CV

That is not credible at all.

CV,
I have done this. I have zero contact with the OM. I let my husband know everything I do by way of phone calls and texts. I also have decided to no longer have any friends of the opposite sex or friends who are not supportive of my marriage. I have resigned from all social networking sites. My husband has all my passwords. These are the things I have done and he knows these. I know I will never have an affair again, I can't bear to hurt him again like that, and I don't want to hurt him ever again.

Upsidedown,


The truth is that your husband will be on the rollercoaster of emotions for about two years OR MORE. Your affair is one thing he has to deal with. The other is that you have built a framework of lies that he has to deal with, and the lies are probably more difficult for him, which you might not fully appreciate for a very long time.

You say that he holds it over your head. That is from your perspective. From where you sit, you see this as a "mistake", and that because you have said you are sorry, and internally you have a sense of "feeling sorry" for what you have done, you believe that your husband should therefore accept your apology. To you, accepting your apology means that this episode and all related events are over - no more talking about it, worrying about it, thinking about it, and most of all, it can no longer "be used against you" in terms of what you see as the power balance of the relationship.

The fact is that your affair has shifted the relationship and the power balance dramatically. Also, you have a complicating factor, which is that you entered the relationship fraudulently - you entered it without openness and honesty regarding your family situation and your condition regarding childbearing.

The affair alone changes things so that the betrayed spouse has THE choice in your marriage. Your choice is that the marriage is to be recovered. Your husband at this point appears to want the marriage to recover, however, he has reservations, and conditions. Your apology notwithstanding, he needs more information and a longer-term evidence in place before his natural guard and defense system will relax some. Generally speaking, we are talking TWO YEARS - and that is if the wayward spouse is consistent in following through with the necessary changes and precautions for protecting the marriage from more affair risk.


He says he hates you because he is in pain. Your behavior is the source of the pain. Yet, you are the only person who can possibly answer the questions he has to fill in the information that can help solve his pain. You can help him by NOT fighting back, by telling him that YOU ACCEPT 100% OF THE BLAME for the affair choice. It was your choice, and you need to let him know that YOU KNOW THAT. He cannot recover from your affair until he sees that you own it.

He says things like "sorry I am not as exciting as an affair.." because he needs you to meet his emotional needs. He is broken, and he is searching YOUR HEART TO REACH OUT TO HIS. What he is saying is that he needs you to fill his ego


and you need to do that WITHOUT HIS ASKING FOR IT TO BE DONE.


He should not have to beg you for this. Read on this website about emotional needs, and start meeting his, because you are failing in this department. As long as you fail in this department, your marriage is open to another affair


and next time, it could be his.........




Regarding if he wants you to go or stay? That will change in his mind every five minutes.


Stay.

Meet his emotional needs. Because this is the key to getting your marriage back on track and out of the ditch.


And

stop lying.


Read up on openness and honesty.


You will need to live this way for a couple of years, and then all of a sudden you will realize why the lies hurt him far more than a lot of other things. You cheated him out of your "self", and that hurt him more deeply than you can imagine.


SB

UDL,

I would suggest that you read the BH threads here to get and idea what
is going on in your H's head. It may give you some empathy for him and
help you understand why "he can't just get over it" as others will likely
tell you this might take a minimum of 2 years

Remember too that your A was on your time table and he had no control of it,
Now his recovery is on his time table and you have no control over it. I
won't say that it is fair, but it does need to be accepted.

Oh and as long as there was any mucus membrane to mucus membrane contact, lips, nipples, labia, penile, anus, etc please get tested for STDS! kissing is no longer safe btw,due to hpv.

God Bless
Gamma