As some of you know, I explained my wife told me she has started talking to the OM after a month of her and I living seperately so her anxiety/tension levels with me goes down. Then she tells me they have started talking and last Saturday he came down to visit her after he left his wife. (Everyone knows/exposed by the way). Well, I told my wife I am moving back in. Without even having to tell her she said she is moving out. She said she's done with everything. She's been demoted at work and wants to find a job elsewhere, and told me I can have the house. She wants to get away from everything so she can "find herself". Oh, and I learned from the OM's wife that after seeing my wife Saturday night, that he had a nervouse breakdown and wants his wife back. He left Sunday back for his wife. He lives a few thousand miles away by the way. My wife confirmed it's over and she's done with men. Ha! She thinks our marriage is lost because we never talk. I told her she wanted a month long seperation and I told her what did she expect?!? She has a lot, I mean a lot of guilt for what she has done and how much she knows it has hurt me. She thinks it's all hopeless. I'm personally dissapointed in her bewcause we have 2 children. And she's giving up. And I'm almost 100% certain she's depressed big time. Any suggestions? I am still moving in and she is free to go. But should I stick with Plan B, even if this OM doucebag is history? Ok. Dumb question. Wife is far from over him.

Stillwater, please post this to your original thread so we don't have to look for your original stitch. thanks

You didn't take one word of our advice, did you.

She has been talking to him the whole time. This is WHY she asked you to leave.


He didn't leave his wife. He came down to shag your wife which was the plan all along. He has probably been doing her the whole time.

Have you moved home yet? If not, why not? Are you in touch with the OMW?

I haven't been on here in awhile. I have been back home with my kids for the last several weeks. The OM has since dumped my Wife. I saw his emails from his wife. The OM wife has moved out and he's desperately trying to win her back. He said hateful things to my wife in the email and that she ruined his life. Plus, he texted me last week to stop chatting with his life (using words I can't say here) and he'll stay away from mine. I didn't even respond to the loser.Anyways, my wife is going through the withdrawls, depression, and anxiety that a person typically goes through. She has also been asked not to return to her educator's job in the fall (because of the news about her affair affected her at work). She is living with her dad who is 15 minutes away. She is totally selfish and said she needs to work on herself. She went to a psychiatrist to get meds last Tuesday for the FIRST time! She refused for the longest time. Anyways, when I moved back in she did not leave. She wondered why I was moving back in. Was it for the marriage? The kids? I told her everything. But her negative outlook gets in the way of everything. She lasted only 3 days and then moved in with her dad. I'm torn because I've lasted for 8 months of LIMBO waiting for my wife to get out of this fog. But so many Love Units have been withdrawn that I have almost zero feelings for her. I am starting to feel there are many more women out there who will appreciate what I have to offer. Do I try to be patient a little longer so WE could work on the marriage? I feel these urges of meeting other women, but since we're not seperated or divorced, I fear I'll look bad in the eyes of a judge. I intend to keep my kids if it comes to that and I don't want to prematurely mess things up. Sigh. Sorry for the rambling everyone. Just frustrated and hanging on by a thread.

stillwater, only you can make the decision to stay or go. I'd say give it a little more time, but that's just me. You can always decide not to make a decision right now. If there were no kids involved it might be different. But your decision will have a big ripple effect. Think about that.

In the meantime - do NOT date. You are a married man and will remain a married man until the judge signs the divorce decree. It's not a matter of whether or not you look bad in the eyes of the judge (although that is something to think about.) It's more a matter of how stillwater and his kids look at stillwater. They are watching you. Show them how a married man behaves. You don't want to be one of those people who have to admit that they dated others while they were married. Regardless of how 'separated' you are. And your dating will change the tenor of your separation. It could kill a possible recovery.

Just my opinion.

SW, do you have the kids? I want to applaud you for standing up for your family and moving back home. You did a great job running the OM off!

My suggestion would be to go into Plan B now. Do you have the kids? And are you familiar with Plan B?

And don't date while you are married. You have a family to look after and have an oblgation to be a good role model.

My kids are 5 & 10. Each time I see a women flirt with me, I can't help but think what if? But I know better and I am strong enough not to start dating. Plan B: I've already done more than I can and I'm satisfied with how much effort I put into trying to meet my wife's needs and not pissing her off. She tries to find trivial or insubstantial things to complain about/ the things I may do. But I see it as an excuse. So I'm not too worried that I haven't done enough. Now, I don't call her or chat with her. She's currently in a man-hating phase because of how the OM treated her in the end. But I don't appreciate being placed in the same category as that POS. Is there anything I'm missing in Plan B?
The question is, how long for Plan B? I

If you make the mistake of going on even one date you'll lose the ability to teach your kids about honor and integrity as well as the importance of marriage. Your wife is/has already taught them that people (spouses) are expendable and your own happiness is paramount....they don't need another parent teaching them the same thing. Focus on your family for now and until you are divorced don't even think about other women.

I know that's easier said than done so I commend you in advance for just committing to doing the right thing. I promise...you won't regret it.

As for your situation...you, perhaps, really need to execute and formal Plan B and start extricating yourself from the day to day turmoil of this situation. Once you get some distance...perhaps clarity will follow and you'll know what to do. It sounds like you've put up a good fight for your marriage and family so removing yourself into a protective Plan B sounds like the smart choice right now. Other choices will then fall into place and you progress.

Mr. Wondering

SW1
Pardon, but how long have you been around here?

You obvioulsy have no idea what plan A and plan B are.

You are going to have to do the reading and foot work yourself.
I doubt very many people here will be willing to spoonfeed you for long if you do not show understanding of the basic MB steps- and an indication that you are attempting to follow MB advice.

Good luck to you, I am really sorry that your WW left you, but now is the time for you to form and hold to a plan.

I know the answer to this question. I just met a man who started dating after he separated from his wife. He met his soul mate. They started living together during the divorce and got married shortly after his divorce was final.

Now, she's having an affair and he's getting divorced for a second time.

Any woman who will date you while you're married, will have an affair with someone else after you marry her.

I don't think you know what Plan B is. I would read up and go into it.

Stillwater01

A bit hard to follow you around on the board. Would you notify the moderators and have your threads combined?

That way everyone is on the same page here and can see where you are at-what has been discussed in the past without searching.



#1

#2

#3

Starting a new thread everytime your here only confuses us since there are so many new memebers every week. We want to be able to help with your situation but we need to find your info quickly.

nESRE

Sorry for the lack of the original thread. I just tried creating a link but it wouldn't work. I will try my best to outline what has happened:
1. Wife meets Tech guy @ conference in Feb 2010 and becomes google chat friends. I believed it was just friendship. Wife was previously depressed and started feeling better suddenly. Looks like those endorphins kicked in?
2. Practically chatted daily with OM and an another from the tech company.
3. went to conference in June. Said nothing happened even though she said he tried to hit on her.
Week later saw her text him about him coming to Texas or cuming? I asked to see her phone and we ended up wrestling for it. Wife said she said some things that were not nice about me, regarding me losing my ind. I looked on phone but couldn't find anything.
4. OM visits and spends a week at our house in September. Still makes me sick thinking about it. Started to have suspicions of affair but wife denied it. I broke down emotionally and proclaimed I need help. I'm depressed and going crazy. Wife agrees with me.
5.After his visit, we meet OM wife and spend a weekend on the lake having fun with OM and OMW.
6. Early October wife goes to another conference and OM is there. She chats with me and tells me she loves me.
7. She returns and the next night I dioscover she shaved her private parts completely. I confronted her and at first she said she was experimenting. I called BS and she finally admitted it. Told me everything. Said she is in love with him. The OM's wife finds out. I chat with OMW and we try to comfort each other. She's angry too.
8. Next week we go to counseling. I'm crying my eyes out. Wife has no effort to work on marriage.
9. I see my doctor and start anti-depressants. the meds saved me.
10. Went to counselor nearly every week. Wife blames me for affair. Said marriage was long in trouble and is the reason why she was depressed. I am in shock. All our friends consider me a model husband and dad. We have 2 kids, 10 and 5.
11. Wife tells me in November that she wants to be honest and is back in contact with him. My father in law gives me advice that later I felt was enabling despite his good intentions. I avoided fighting and arguing with her. I let her walk over me in hopes that it would finally die(affair).
12. She leaves day after x-mas to spend New Years with OM in Chicago. (We live in Texas.).
13. All this time I am trying to deposit love units into account. What I don't realise is that it doesn't work while someone is in fog.
14. February, OM tells my wife he wants to work on his marriage. My wife goes back to depression and anxiety but refuses meds.
15. Wife says she can't live in the same household as me.
16. Early April- I move out to live with in-laws and stay for 5 weeks.
Early May- Wife tells me OM is leaving his wife and is stopping to visit her. She wants to see him to see if it will work out. She apologizes for hurting me.
She sees him at his hotel and stays the night. He is supposed to stay a week, but leaves the next day and says it is over. (The OMW confirms this. Says her husband wants her back.
OMW moves out and leaves OM. OM texts me saying stay the "F" away from his wife and he'll stay away from mine.
OMW sends me copy of email the her husband sent to my wife saying stay the "F" away from him, she ruined his life.
Wife is noew living with her dad because I moved back in and she couldn't handle it after 3 days. We rarely talk and blames men for all the problems in her life.
Contemplating separation or divorce even though this is the first true opportunity that the fog lifts for good. Not sure what to do from here on out.

Stillwater01

Glad to see your back and you did a great job with your timeline.

You've got 2 young children so there is a lot riding on how you do this. From your previous posts please don't date for now.

Not real sure where you are at with the MB's concepts and exactly what direction you want to go with your M. Most here will support you with whatever directon you decide to go.

For now would you please read all of this

Basic Concepts


and come back with questions you may have. The whole site and advice you will recieve is built around these concepts.

Study all you can on the site.

Others with way more experience and wisdom than me will be along to answer questions you may have.

Should you decide to save your M know it is a marathon and not a short sprint. There are no easy shortcuts. People here will help when you make decisions and a plan of how you want to proceed

nESRE

Thanks Nesre. I really appreciate your help. I tried the Basic Concepts link, but it wouldn't work. That's ok. I'll go to the mainpage website and find it.
I've really done my best to not scream, fight and argue like I had before the discovery of the affair. Several friends and family have expressed that they're amazed how much I've kept my cool. I've told my wife how much I still love her and want to make the marriage work despite everything. She's just very depressed right now because she also is not welcome back to her job in September(education) and I haven't said why I think she lost her job, but I believe it's because of her affair with this guy who provided tech services with our school district and she was screwing around during company $$ (the conferences). She feels alone, no friends, no job,her "lover" hates her, and she feels guilty for what she has done to me. But she's so self-centered in just working on herself. I so much want to be there to help her, but she said she feels like I'll enable her to fall back into her depression when I was probably doing too much for her and the kids. She feels so much anxiety when she's around me. As of right now, we rarely talk. She's holed up in her dad's house wallowing in her sadness because of her fantasy that has now turned into a nightmare. She has asked me not to contact the OM's wife. She says she doesn't want the OM to be more pissed. Whatever. A part of me wonders if she doesn't want me to find out anything I should know. I told her it made me mad that she wanted me to stop talking with the OM's wife because I have been strictly a friend, decent, and understanding. Something my wife never was. The OM is also like my wife right now. He's unstable, irritable, and depressed. I worry he'll go right back to seeing my wife while she's separated from me because of how unstable he is and the fact that his wife moved out recently. But for now, I told my wife I would not talk to the OM's wife. Thinking of telling her I have reconsidered.

Still,

You do not have to tell you wife about contact with OMW. Let OMW know this.

You are merely sharing information with OMW to know the true state of the A. Having this information is your right. WW is keeping information from you.

Cypress

Cypress- If I don't tell my wife that I'm contacting the OMW wouldn't that be dishonest? Especially after telling her I wouldn't contact her? My wife is "all about honesty" now and I don't want to give her any ammo to turn this back on me.

Cypress- I still appreciate your concern though and willingness to help!

Well, you could tell her. I'm not opposed to that. But don't back don't back down if she gets really angry. Tell her that it is an expression of openness and honesty in the marriage.