|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583 |
I spoke to my wife about the content of the messages, But have you told her EVERYTHING there is to know about the secret life you have led throughout your marriage. Does she know the extent of your relationships with other women? Please answer this question. That's right folks. Let's not get him sidetracked. There is much he has not yet told. Chris, please answer the above question that I have already asked two other times TODAY. Then schedule the poly to PROVE to your wife that you are being completely honest about your secret separate life. Nothing else matters until she has the truth. If my husband would have told me he wanted to talk about our ENs and fill out the questionnaire at THIS stage, I think I would have spit in his face.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 21
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 21 |
Thank you so much for your input and time. This is a great place to start and tools for my wife and I to work on. I do have a strong need for admiration and attention. I'm also a people pleaser. All the ingredients for a disaster if not in check. I will, with my wife work on making my protection plan more feasible. I'll also be on Dr. Harley's radio show live this Wednesday for a 20 minute segment. It should be on air around noon central time.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Chris, you are now on day 3 and she still only knows nothing more than what she found. The longer you make her wait to get the full truth the less sincere you look. Making her wait only prolongs her misery. She has a right to know the truth, Chris. It is cruel and manipulative to not tell her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Nothing else matters until she has the truth.
If my husband would have told me he wanted to talk about our ENs and fill out the questionnaire at THIS stage, I think I would have spit in his face. ITA. I apologize, Chris - I've pulled you off the most important step right now by trying to help with your list. Keep my post on the back burner until you have given Susie every detail. She needs that before you can continue.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583 |
This is a great place to start and tools for my wife and I to work on. I do have a strong need for admiration and attention. I'm also a people pleaser. All the ingredients for a disaster if not in check. You are the only one right now that has work to do. Your wife has been working for the last 4 years on this marriage while you were out letting other women stroke your ego. Please do not expect your wife to be enthusiastic about filling your needs right now. You have some serious work to do before that thought won't make her puke. Now... answer my question.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Thank you so much for your input and time. This is a great place to start and tools for my wife and I to work on. I do have a strong need for admiration and attention. I'm also a people pleaser. All the ingredients for a disaster if not in check. I will, with my wife work on making my protection plan more feasible. I'll also be on Dr. Harley's radio show live this Wednesday for a 20 minute segment. It should be on air around noon central time. None of that matters until she has the full truth. Working on a protection plan doesn't mean anything until she has the full truth. That is the FIRST STEP and until you do that she should not take anything you say seriously.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
Chris,
Telling your wife the whole truth may or may not save your marriage...
NOT TELLING HER THE WHOLE TRUTH will definitely END your marriage!
Tell her the WHOLE truth NOW...TODAY...RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!
Your tactic of whining about how broken you are in an effort to elicit sympathy from your wife and us so that you don't have to actually DO anything is NOT working! It makes you look like a big ol' WUSS! No woman wants to be married to a WUSS!
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
We'll know you're serious when you start telling your wife the truth, Chris.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 83
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 83 |
Chris, she will find out the truth eventually whether you tell her or not. That is the way women are built. We strive to "understand" the how/why etc. etc.
If she doesn't hear it from you, how can she feel comfortable with any sort of protection plan? She doesn't know the extent in which she need protection!
Tell her now. All of it. Everything. Answer every question she has honestly and do not hedge or sugar coat. Straight up truth is what people can work with. Hiding and lies do nothing.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 21
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 21 |
I�m scared.......................I don�t know how to begin. Well here it goes, the information thats been missing the information that I�ve been hiding........ The O/W and I kissed. We did not have a sexual affair. We never saw each other out side of work, we never had plans to see each other out side of work. I don�t have an excuse, in fact it was most of my doing. I�ve known the O/W over the last 2.5 years. It started off with being flirty with each other over the last couple of weeks. Thats when the texting started, the texting had a flirty undertone with things like �can�t wait to see you� what are doing� and �miss you� being said, this will be exposed in the next couple of days with the spy stick. Phone conversations where short and not as flirty and this will be exposed through the poly gram. I�m coming clean. The greatest problem that I had was running and you guys were able to pick that apart. Now where do I go, not sure if my wife will ever forgive me or if she should. I�ve had no contact with the O/W and management at my job knows of the situation. My wife knows who to call and I encourage her to do so.
This is only the coming clean part.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Has anyone considered that maybe I'm looking to fill a need that isn't met. Maybe this is part of the reason on why I started to wander twice. THUD. Oh.my.freaking.gosh. You just proved yourself to be a real *ss. I cannot believe you had the nerve to say this. And what about your wife's unmet needs??? Did she have an affair? Better yet, did she have TWO? Because as a woman, we have an intense need for a faithful spouse. And you have not been meeting that need for a long, long, LONG time. And she has not had an A that she is blaming on you. I hope you see how asinine this comment is.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
Chris the truth is that you did have a PA you has phisical contact with this skank. The sooner you realise that the better.
You gave away the chance for your lovely BS to meet your ENs the minute you let skanhoe meet them instead. Did you even bother telling your dear wife that you were struggling with having unmet ENs before you jumped into this A my guess is no.
Seriously Chris you need to grow up and realise there are two people in your marriage and you can't act like a spoilt brat the minute things aren't going your way.
BW 36(Me) WS 38 Married: 2000 DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014 PA Duration September 08 - November 08 Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
I�m scared.......................I don�t know how to begin. Well here it goes, the information thats been missing the information that I�ve been hiding........ The O/W and I kissed. We did not have a sexual affair. We never saw each other out side of work, we never had plans to see each other out side of work. I don�t have an excuse, in fact it was most of my doing. I�ve known the O/W over the last 2.5 years. It started off with being flirty with each other over the last couple of weeks. Thats when the texting started, the texting had a flirty undertone with things like �can�t wait to see you� what are doing� and �miss you� being said, this will be exposed in the next couple of days with the spy stick. Phone conversations where short and not as flirty and this will be exposed through the poly gram. I�m coming clean. The greatest problem that I had was running and you guys were able to pick that apart. Now where do I go, not sure if my wife will ever forgive me or if she should. I�ve had no contact with the O/W and management at my job knows of the situation. My wife knows who to call and I encourage her to do so.
This is only the coming clean part. OK, this is a good START. Now lets get you to come clean about your previous affairs. I don't for a minute believe the stories about those either. Let's lay it all out there NOW, OK! Only then can your wife make an educated, logical decision about whether she wants to save this marriage. She deserves to know the whole truth regardless, wouldn't you agree.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 83
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 83 |
Chris, she is not your parent she is your partner. Treat her as such. If you have been around MB board like you said you have been in your original post, then you absolutely should have known that you don't "get flirty" and think all will be well. You know that and you did it anyway. Own it and do the work that you know you must do. You are doing everything BUT taking direct ownership of admission of YOUR actions directly and fully disclosing with your wife. Transparency remember?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Chris, thank you for that. I know that was not easy but it is a huge step in the right direction.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583 |
I spoke to my wife about the content of the messages, But have you told her EVERYTHING there is to know about the secret life you have led throughout your marriage. Does she know the extent of your relationships with other women? I am going to keep asking this d@mn question until you answer it. You and me and all of MB know that you have more to confess, Chris. Tell. Her. Everything. Right. Now.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I am a former WWS from about 3.5 years ago (an emotional affair) Didn't you have a physical affair as well? Unanswered question. Your marriage may be able to survive what you've done, but it can't survive you hiding stuff. Hiding stuff is not a marriage. It is not safe for SusieQ, either. Your marriage cannot survive if you settle for anything less than this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=105Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. What do you know about yourself that SusieQ does not know? (Don't answer me; tell HER!)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539 |
Chris, thank you for that. I know that was not easy but it is a huge step in the right direction. Chris, can I tell you a secret? Once you come clean with your BS it is soooo much easier to have a real relationship with them. You don't have to wonder what lies you told and forgot. You don't have to worry about being caught off guard. You can be a man of integrity, Chris. SHOW Susie with ACTIONS what integrity is. Do you know the saying "the truth will set you free"? Well it is true, Chris. The truth does set you free.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49 DS 30 DD 21 DS 15 OCDS 8
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 21
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 21 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Chris, I am 100% certain that if you talk to anyone who's had an A they will admit that it was NEVER in their best interest to trickle-out the truth. It ALWAYS comes back to bite them in the *ss.
Withholding any part of the truth only increases the damage because it WILL all come out. And then your W is going to be even MORE upset that you continued to lie.
If you believe nothing else, believe that.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
83
guests, and
69
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|