BX - My WH is raging at me still after my exposure almost three months ago. He feels I am vendictive, revengeful and everything else in the book. He is military and it did put a big "X" in his career and OW's career.

They are coming home from deployment, and I just sent another facebook email to all his colleagues, friends, OW, and OW's family stating again I am willing to fight to the very end for my marriage. I have eight eyeballs that are staring at me and I am doing it for them.

According to my WH he wants a divorce, and it looks like it is heading in that direction. I am in a dark Plan B and today really do not care if I am divorced. Granted I would love to save my marriage, but I cannot do it without him. Everything is in his hands. He is just super pizzed because the truth is out and he doesn't know how to control it. He hates our kids know why he broke up the family, and he hates that all his friends, soldiers, grandmother, and her family know about this sordid affair. It is all his making. He can hate me as much as he wants. I don't own any of this - it is just the truth coming out, and I have all the evidence to back it up.

Kill the reality of this thing TODAY - EXPOSE!!!!

Even though my WH is spewing hate at me because I exposed I wouldn't change anything. Because I am changing me and making myself the best wife on the planet. I am learning to get rid of AO's and DJ's and I am losing so much weight I will be sexier than before we got married. I am getting hit on a lot these days and that hasn't happened in years. There must be something different to me. I think I am glowing today.

I am taking MB's advice with exposure. He is livid and I am happy. OW is spewing her hate at him to have him keep his wife under control. Don't care anymore.

1) Maybe I do get divorced and go on to live an amazing life, remarry a new husband, or stay single and live in utter happiness.

2) Maybe I do get divorced and remarry my WH down the road.

3) Maybe my WH comes out of his fog soon and we never get divorced.

I am okay will three options.

Exposure is the best tool you have.

BX,

Remember me?

Trust...do what's right for you, but trust the folks here. If you hear nothing else TODAY (it's a lot, I know) HEAR what Lexxxy said.

Re-read that, and don't underestimate!

Everything else follows...

You asked:

"Am I the only person that believes that an affair can die "naturally"? Meaning that one of the wayward spouses sees the error of his/her ways and decides to not pursue it anymore."

I say:

Yes, you are. The 2 people can part ways, but the affair will live on in another person eventually. Why? Back to addiction. The drug dealer can go to jail. Damn that crappy drug dealer! But, another one is soon to follow because the EN addiction is still front and center. The attack is NOT on the dealer (collateral damage :)), but the addiction. See?

That said...I'd still be attacking the first drug dealer and wiping him out via exposure.

Am I the only person that believes that you are scared to death of the work involved in saving your M and are waiting until your W is tired of boinking OM?

You will be very unhappy with the outcome by going the 'wait and hope' route. But your WW and OM sure will be happy! I hope that's what your goal is.

I'd like to ask a question about individual counseling. How do the sessions/calls work with Steve? I guess my questions are as follows:

1. Can I dictate what I want my first session is about? For example, my wife feels like she can never find love with me again, sees no future, loves me but is not in love with me, etc. Can Steve address specific issues in a session?
2. In the first session, do we have to go through the whole history of our marriage and affair and take up the first half talking and that leaves 10 minutes for Steve to talk about his methods, the 10 basic concepts, etc.?
3. I want Steve to address divorce and how tragic it is for family, friends, my small kids, let my WW that we can fix our marriage and make it better than before. Can he do that in 45 minutes?
4. Is there a "pre call" or "pre screening" with Steve or someone on staff to discuss goals of a 45 minute session? Or is there a questionnaire?
5. What is the turnaround time on a call from first contact?

My wife has not even agreed to talk to him yet so I was just wondering about the above. Thanks for any information.

BX, Steve will counsel you alone, without your wife. They don't counsel couples together. What he will do is talk to you alone and get your perspective. He will then tell you what to say to your W to get her on the phone with him for the next session.

If she does, then the next sessions might be split sessions, with you on first and her on second. [out of earshot of the other]

What he essentially does is sell your wife on a plan of recovery. He will tell her exactly how he can restore the romantic love in your marriage and try to get her to agree to go through the steps. He is very persuasive.

I believe he has you fill out questionaires beforehand and send them in.

He is often late to his sessions because he doesn't quit when the time is up. He quits when he is finished with you. It is very common for his sessions to go for 2 hours. [and he doesn't charge more either]

we counsel with jennifer and the first call with me was great, update for 20 min or so, they have heard it all, so she got the gist pretty quick.

my h didnt know who i was talking to the first time, he prob thought my lawyer.

turn around was 2 days, they gave me a choice on who was avail, she had the first open session.

you will be amazed at how much they get in in the hour.

my h was totally hesitant! but he said he would do it for me, he was hooked, what she said to him the first time made a complete change in him and a seriousness of the severity of the situation. wake up call, not that he didnt have one the week before but this gave him direction and hope.

we each do a part seprately, then we come together, but we are a bunch of sessions into it.

do it for yourself.

chickadee, you come together to discuss the homework, right? In my experience with Dr Harley, we counseled with him ALONE and then only came together to discuss the homework assignment. And I don't think he even does that initially because he doesn't want to give conflicted couples the chance to lovebust.

What times do they have sessions? Can they talk after regular "work" hours or even later (8:00).

My wife probably won't do it because "there's no hope" and her one therapy session the shrink told her therapy wouldn't do any good if she wasn't 100% committed to making our marriage work. Right now, she isn't.

yes, but we even practice a bit with her. we are working on our diagnosticnow. she does go into recaping what my H is supposed to do, so there is a bit of accountability i think.


it took a few session before that, in the begining it was ALONE time then homework and a pep talk.

we always start alone, for the update and to see if more has gone one.

I look forward to it as does H. i think she is leaving us soon... we were once a week for a bit now we are moving to monthly.

i had a question for you, what do you think is the diff between them, other than the obv. do you think a male coach to a female WS is better or a female to a WS. I dont think it made a diff to us but i should as H.

call now bx, you will not regret it and its not embarassing at all, look you have nothing to lose at all, all to gain

I guess my though is, I already know about the basic concepts, Love Bank, POJA, etc. I really just want my WW to get on board. I'm hoping a different voice will convey that there is hope if she will just allow it and be receptive to my Plan A.

Why do I need to talk to them if I'm the one wanting to save my marriage? Is it because they are going to tell me what to say to her to get to talk to them and she will then hear a plan? I feel like I would be "wasting" $ since I'm already on board.

You need to talk to him so he can coach you on how to motivate your wife to get on phone. He isn't trying to get YOU on board, he will try to help you engage your wife and give you a plan to do that. He will give you a situation assessment and a PLAN to save your marriage.

The difference from my second hand perspective [I didn't counsel with them, but with Dr Harley via the seminar] is that Dr Chalmers is more laid back and does better with couples who are BOTH on board. SMB and tst counseled with her and she did a SUPER job. They are in a fully recovered marriage.

Steve seems to be better at selling the RELUCTANT spouses. He also has a super ability to pinpoint lies and fogbabble. Steve is VERY persuasive and very persistent according to all accounts. I know of one case, for example, where a very fogged out WH did not want to end his affair. The WH had a traveling job and Steve influenced him to start taking his wife on his trips and he did!!

This perspective is what I have gleaned from others around here over the years.

So my marriage really is over. I decided to get a VAR and put it in WW's car. I've been recording for a little les than a week now and I heard multiple conversations with WW's sister. She told her sister that her affair was over (VAR confirms) but she doesn't love me anymore. She said she was planning on having divorce papers delivered/served to the house on Friday but didn't want the neighbors seeing a cop car. So she is going to have then delivered this week.

She sits me down tonight and volunteers everything that was on the VAR. She doesn't feel it between us anymore, doesn't love me anymore, wants to move on with her life, etc.

I of course told her that I don't want a divorce, I want stronger marriage and everything else in Plan A. But, it looks like this one belongs in the record books as another WW who cheated on her good husband and wants to leave him for what she thinks is a better life (alone). She has little regard for our two small kids, friends, family etc.

If there is any other advice you all can give I would appreciate it. I have been planning for this but it still hurts knowing your wife doesn't love you anymore.

Have you exposed to her workplace yet?

No. I don't need to now. It's (EA and our marriage) over.

call the harleys. ask her to do that for you- a divorce will cost more, after that if she still wants to go thru with it put the cost of it in the settlement, you will pay her back for trying to save your marrige.

i am not an expert on Waywards-- but the experts will tell you thats wayward speak.

i have hope for you, really! hang in there and stay her!