I can let you know of some things we did.

1. Do not even try to get out of cs, it is a given. However, never ever pay your child support with a personal check. EVER. Make it a bank check, or a money order. Always keep a copy of it. We opened a bank accout at a bank where we do no business. The cs was taken from that account and automatically deposited into her account. You do not want her to have your personal and private banking information.

2. To defer income, and protect assets from going outside of your family requires a lawyer and must be done 100% legally. Do not ever attempt to do anything on your own.

3. File for legal separation and get child support on your own children pronto. This reduces the amount that the will leave the family. Check into every aspect here. Property ownership? Assets? Make sure they are protected.

4. Insurance, College Funds, life insurance, etc. Many courts will go on auto pilot and rubber stamp the old "dad must provide insurance" However, a laywer may stop that and say no. Dad only has to be liable for 50% of any costs. So, you can purchase a policy that only looks at 50% of the entire bill. If you don't have a college fund for your children, you don't have to do for the oc. We had college funds set up, small as they are, but my parents owned them. Life insurance is the same way. We were asked to provide life insurance for oc. Since we did not have a policy on him, for our own children we won that too. I DID have a life insurance policy on him for us, but what I do was not an issue.

5. Future increases in salary. We stopped that. We were in a position to do contract work. So instead of my husband getting increases, my firm billed out the projects and I was paid. Thus decreasing husbands income over the years, and raising mine. There was also vacation funds. Instead of raises, the company put the value of the increase in vacation. So lets say he received a $10.00 an hour raise. Instead of paying him the 40.00 a week, that time was put into his vacation account, he could take it as time, or he could cash out. He cashed out a few times, but it was not a payroll check, it was his vacation. Not seen as income. We were wise and left the majority alone and ended up with a real nice nest egg for retirement. Although now that we are done with cs, we have taken quite a bit and went a trip and such.

6. Child care. If you are asked to pay for a part of it make sure it is necessary. No reason to be paying for 50 hours of child care if she works part time. Do not allow or accept any relative of hers to be the child care provider or you may be fleeced. Make sure it is a licensed facility with no allegiance to her, or look out. Always be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. Pay attention to what the real and true rates of child care are. Your laywer may ask for records of the childs attendance at the facility, and then request verification of her time at work to make sure she is at work, etc.

Many ow will tell you this is illegal. There was not one thing we did that was illegal in our state. We had a laywer assist us. In the early days I was adament that the other child would not be taking anything from my children. My original thought process was to protect every single dime I could for us. In the end, and let me tell you 18 years flies by, we had a nice savings. It was not a bad thing to do, for us. This is a perfect example of what is best for the oc is not what is best for everyone.

The cost of the laywer was worth it. I had peace of mind knowing that my children and their financial futures were not being raided, and the benefit of knowing we had a savings in place for the future was a feeling of safety. Was this fair to the oc? Not my issue. We were only concerned about our financial well being and making sure that our children did not suffer the financial hardships created by this mess.

Having affairs and children from them create alot of victims. There is far more people to consider then just the oc. Many ow will tell you how awful this all is and how unfair to the oc. Whatever. They will then tell you that it is all your husbands fault (remember, they see themselves as victims), and that he should pay blah blah blah. Well, this is all the end result of the affair. Lots of innocent people will pay the price for two peoples actions. That includes the oc. There are only two people to blame for that.

Always always always pay attention to your financial future. You carry car insurance to protect yourselves incase of an accident. When you purchase a house you have a laywer look at all the paperwork and have the title searched to protect yourself, why not have this looked into to protect yourself?

This isn't a normal situation. If you sit back and let the tail wag the dog, the courts will rubber stamp it through. They are overwhelmed with all these children out of wedlock, and DNA tests and child support. They don't really care about the individuals, they care only about the law. They don't want to see these children on the welfare roles, but there are laws that can protect a family too.

This is a 18 year road you are on. Don't panic, don't fret. Get all the information you need, ask the tough questions....."if my husband loses his job, what happens to the child support" stuff like that. Make sure you know what you are facing. Pay attention to the fine details. Sure, a laywer will make sure that all is on the up and up, but really, it is your responsiblity to pay attention to your financial well being. Get educated. Work with an attorney on everything about this.

That starts with DNA. Until DNA is established on these kids, do not ever send one penny. Do not accept any phone calls from these women. Pay no attention and do nothing until child is born. Have DNA done immediately. Never,ever wait. Get it done. Then if you had listened to an attorney, had child support set up, etc. go from there.

But always remember, THIS HAS TO BE DONE LEGALLY, and with solid legal representation.

There is nothing wrong with protecting assets for your own family and children.

Don't stress on this either. Once you are all set up, life goes on. And in time it is like a power bill. You budget it in. Move on and live. Enjoy your life and your family. Heal and be happy. Life will throw you many a curve, don't waste a good day on this.

(what i really wanted to say was she is trying to take your daddy away from us)

Try MARRIAGE BUILDING

while the OW is pregnant.

Your marriage is like a ship with a large leak right now. You are taking on water and your ship is in danger is sinking.

You need to do something.

But, instead of fixing the leak that is happening right now ... you are thinking about the future passengers that you may have to take on ... well, unless you fix your marriage ... the decisions about OC and all that goes with an OC are moot.

What are you doing to repair the marriage? And by "you" I mean both you and your husband.

After an affair, it is very very important that the 2 affairees NOT see or speak to each other. For many reasons

one reason is ... it is highly likely the affair will re-start

another reason is it is completely disrespectful to the faithful spouse

another reason might be it gives the OW false hope that she still might "have a chance" to win over the heart of your husband !!!!

NO CONTACT ....and there is no compelling reason for them to discuss anything until after the baby is born and after DNA has proven your husband to be the father.

If your husband insists on talking to OW before the child is born, you should ~assume~ their affair is not over.

Please take time to study all the steps necessary to recover your marriage .... read Surviving an Affair .... and read all the links under the "concepts" part of this site.

best of wishes for you and your family

Right now I think I am the only one who wants to save our marriage.

So sorry to hear this. Agree with FF. Go straight to Plan B. DO NOT let him cakeeat.

I'm just pushing him away

A_LMommy:

I am very sorry that you have experienced such a thing. I am also married to an MD so I can so relate to your story. In my case the OW was a scrub tech who barely new my H and he did not know her very well. He has admitted he was really looking for SEX and that is basically it w/o strings attached but she had a different plan.

Feel free to read my post.

We are NC all the way. Although OW has not stopped w/her text messages and attempts to contact my H. We have not resolved the LEGAL aspect either. It is the MOST frustrating thing any human can ever experience especially have COM(s).

I am with my H but it has been a constant STRUGGLE. I too feel the same way you feel about your H. But I often question myself when a trigger arises on WHY I am staying. Our relationship has changed FOREVER. The only way I can work toward TRUE healing is NC. OW has said really nasty things about me and has caused so MANY problems and will continue to cause problems because we live in TOTALLY DIFFERENT circles. I cannot accept my H having communication with OW in any way shape or form - read my story and you will understand why.

I agree w/ the advice given above. C works for some but it is a hard road. I chose not to go there at this time because my M needs healing!

We take one day at a time. I am also trying to enjoy my son whom I was pregnant w/ at the time all of this came out......

I am here if you need to talk! I TOTALLY feel your pain.

I met my H in undergraduate, filled out his MED apps, took care of him while in school, etc. I feel you my friend. This betrayal is like no other!

No person can tell you what to do but you. It is hard for people to give advice unless they have walked a day in your shoes. That is why I love this site because the women understand and have walked the same road. They do not judge regardless of what decisions you make. They help you get through this mess and sort through things.

Be encouraged!