I agree. Your last paragraph is exactly how I feel is currently going on.I had thought about that last night.

I've read posts dating back several years. Melody has been helping people that long. She knows what she is doing. Trust her wisdom and experience.

Here's a good post about finding yourself. Give it to your wife:

"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.

Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"

First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.

That had me laughing. And in all seriousness, it's one of those "Wake the FU!!" statements. Of course, my wife has always, always never liked any kind of criticism, no matter how constructive it is. Her brother is the same way. Their mother was like this and a lot can be said about this. It's why she's been so stubborn during the withdrawl phases and tries to put so much blame on me for why the marriage sucks. Yeah, right. Thanks for the encouragement.

Stillwater i have some advice. I too was in your very place in life, still am. The things that people say on here need to be said. I didnt like hearing a lot of what i heard, but the truth hurts and hurt i did. But, i have come to realize everything that i have been told i needed, and these people are a lot smarter than i ever thought lol. I have learned to trust what is said on this site from most people. Sometimes what we hear is not what we want to hear, but need to.

Good luck.

Plan B�s intent is to shield the betrayed from abuse from the wayward and to put all the EN�s on the affair partner. I don�t believe Plan B is your best option. Right now you have effectively killed the affair, but certain elements must fall into place, starting with no contact.

I would work with her on making sure there is no contact established. I would also make it clear to her that if she leaves that you will file for abandonment and request child and spousal support. Tell her that instead of going �to find herself� she needs to grow up, take responsibility as a mother, and work on your marriage.

Your loss, SW.

In my case, I chose to focus on the message and not on the messenger.

I received a lot of great advice from people who I probably wouldn't have anything to do with IRL. One of them got evicted from this board for being a little too over the top.

Good luck to you, SW. I think you're going to need it.

Are you here to get advice to help save your marriage, or are you here to give advice to help build a world-class peer counseling board?

So...did you contact OMW? What did she say? I may have missed this.

We've been in contact off and on. We talked in December-January. Then when her husband agreed to work on their marriage we decided to break off contact. In April, when it resurfaced the OM and my WW were getting back together, we spoke some more. Then I learned from her that her husband had an emotional breakdown and was crawling back to her. Last week, the OM said to stop chatting with his wife (LOL) and he'll do the same with mine. Then a few days ago my wife asked me to stop chatting with her because her "breakup" was too hard for her and she felt it was making the OM irrational. I told her I would back off because she asked. Now, I am seriosuly reconsidering because I feel like she can't be trusted until the fog is totally lifted and she's over him completely.

SW,

You cannot trust your WW, period.


Read some of the PBL that have been posted here, and get yours done. You need this quick. Your wife needs no warning, and needs to have her world rocked.

In the meantime, you need to be doing a very stellar Plan A, so when you go into Plan B, she is left with the image of the man she loved, the husband she wanted, and the life she is throwing away.


Meet her emotional needs.
Smell good, look good, be strong.
Do not beg, do not coddle, do not whine.
Fix stuff around the house.
Be a good Dad.
Do "man stuff", things that you know she wants you to do: like if there has been a honey-do job that has needed to be done, then do it now. Take care of business.

Tell her that you love her
Compliment her beauty
Compliment her as a mother
Tell her that you know the marriage can be made better, and that you want to save your love for her.


Do not let on that you are going to Plan B. Not a word.


Then, when you write that Plan B letter, it is written as a LOVE LETTER.


Dear WW,

The most difficult task I have ever faced in my life has come before me today. On the day we married, I looked into your eyes and looked at a future with you filled with love, a family, and a relationship we would forge together with all our hopes and dreams, and most of all with our love for each other. Now, I am in danger of losing that love for you, and find myself working every day to protect what is left of it.

That love is one of the most precious resources I have in my life. In order to save it and our marriage, I must now do what I never thought I would do. I am ceasing all direct contact with you, and ask that you contact me only through an intermediary, ___________________.

There can only be one man in this marriage, and that man will be me. Until you stop contact with your affair partner, I will not accept telephone calls, emails, or any other contact from you except through the intermediary. It is too painful and too difficult for me, and I must make a stand for my marriage and my children.

If you choose to return to the marriage, I know that we can rebuild our relationship. I have already begun the changes in myself that I know I need to make, and I know that our marriage can be made into a stronger one, where we both feel fulfilled and loved. If you choose to work with me, the changes would require you to permanently and forever end all contact with your affair partner, (and you enter what else you might want to here...but keep it very short).

More than anything, I want you to know that I love you. I remember our wedding day, the births of our children, our good times and our bad times. I cherish you and our life together. Know that I want to rebuild our marriage. I believe we can do this. I believe in you.

Love

Stillwater






You have to make it strong, yet loving. You get the idea. Open with love, end with love, and in the middle, be strong. State what you want.


Then go very dark. Do not break Plan B. You will need to be very strong in not communicating with her, not seeing her, not answering that phone and not returning her emails.

She will immediately try to break your Plan B. Know that, and be ready NOT TO BREAK IT. Because she will instantly go about the business of making you look foolish by going back on your Plan B, and then saying, "Ok, so he said he would talk to me except through the IM, but see, *I* am in charge of him, and *I* can make him do anything I want."

Don't break Plan B once you start. It takes a very strong will. If she decides to meet your demands, you have to be very sure it is not a false recovery when she does. She has to be at rock bottom before she gets to come home.


SB

Here is my latest update:
1. I have been in contact with the OMW. She has moved out and is staying with friends. She says her husband is trying everything to win her back. Says it's annoying. She's probably done with him, but appears to be still holding out. My wife has moved out and is icing with her dad. I am back home with kids. She misses them terribly, but is not budging.
2. Gave my wife a letter letting her know that I still am leaving the door open to rebuild marriage, but only when she's totally thru with OM. It strongly appears to remain that way (affair is dead) since mid-May. However, not 100% positive. She replied saying that the letter meant a lot to her. Gave me some gifts on Father's Day and was giving me hugs and kisses before she left to stay with relatives.
3. Wife has been staying with relatives in another state to "work on her mental state of well-being". She'll be there for a total of 3 weeks. She lost her job as well so she's lost. My daughter is visiting for a week right now as well as my wife's dad who has supported me through all this. Wife is taking anti-depressants (finally!) which has contributed to her irrational thinking from the start. Our son has been with me.
4. I do not contact my wife as of right now. I only keep in touch with my daughter and father-in-law. It's been hard because even though my love for her has been busted up pretty good, I still love her, however she never calls or contacts me. I feel like I don't matter to her. I knew the "fog" had a lot to do with this, but I felt (and still do) that she's stringing me along until she finds someone or decides what she wants to do. This state of Limbo sucks. But I WILL continue the "no-contact" in hopes she'll come around. I did everything possible to deposit love units and behave rationally.

stillwater01,

all you can do is what you have done, she has what information she needs to make her decision for her life, you can't make her do anything she isn't ready for, let her hit rock bottom.
just work on being the best you, be a good dad and just let the cookie crumble where it may...........if she wants the marriage she will be back and willing to work on things if not then let her go.........

Anyone who is seriously depressed is virtually 100% inward focused.
They are literally incapable of loving someone else while they are experiencing a serious depression.

I'm not saying this is the case with your wife.
But, if you honestly believe she is very, very depressed, then perhaps you will not take her rejection behavior so personally.

i agree with pepper.

my wifes on prozac. im not getting much from her, but at least theres the comfort that neither is the OM. ive even heard its kinda a libido killer...which is good.

let the medication do its job. it wont solve everything, but itll help bring some clarity to an otherwise chaotic mind.

im really starting to see the effects so far with that, as well as counseling. my wife seems to be paying attention. while shes still infatuated with the OM, ive seen signs that its no where near as bad as it was 3-4 mos. ago...

best of luck

Wife texted me out of the blue today. Said Hi. We had a short, but nice conversation which had her laughing too. After about 5-10 minutes of back and forth texting she unloads a surprise on me: " I have decided that I am going to stay up here (Minnesota) a few weeks longer (with her cousin). Haven't decided when I am coming home. I will let you know when I figure it out."
I never responded back. I'm pissed, but mostly disappointed. She was supposed to come back around July 6th. Now it seems late July or early August. It'll be just me and the kids for the remainder of my summer vacation.
I've chatted with the OM wife who is currently moved out and feels "done" with her WH. He is doing everything to win her back. I'm pretty sure he's not in contact with my WW, but I'm not 100%. But the decision to stay makes me wonder why. I am thinking of just asking her (through her dad).

Talked to OM wife today. She's very, very confident her WH is not in contact with my W. Wife sent me text today saying she is staying longer because she wants to better herself: she said by exercising, working on her resume, and relaxing. She said her father in law can help me with a break from the kids. I understand the "idea" that you need to work on yourself, before you can work on others/marriage. But at the same time I feel this is so selfish while I'm at home slaving away with the kids. Just not fair.

Hmm...

Have opened yourself to the possibility that either there's another OM involved, or she's trolling for one?

She is choosing to stay away from her children. That suggests that something a bit more significant than exercising, relaxing and working on her resume is going on.

Document all of this to help you in custody fight if one develops.

She can't very well claim you're a bad father when you're taking care of the kids full time.

I am documenting everything. She might be hoping to meet someone while in Minnesota but right now she's on a "men are evil" phase. She did have my daughter fly in this past week to spend a week with her. Otherwise, she's selfishly focused on herself. I don't know how long I can last feeling like I'm being strung along...being taken advantage of. Just sucks.