Hils, I'm still snooping hard. The instant I sense anything fishy I will expose. I will do it, I promise. This isn't your typical EA so I didn't expose to work yet because I knew this would end (they work for same company but in different divisions).

This is just more sad than anything. Reality set in today as my WW filed for divorce and has a realtor at my house nowtelling us how much to list our house for.

How can I keep from strangling her for being so selfish, stupid and ruining the lives of our family and my two young kids? (I'm not going to do it, I'm only kidding.) She's still mad because I exposed and made her look like a fool and embarrassed her.

To address your other statements, she filed before me, I cannot sue on the grounds of adultery or mental cruelty.

On what grounds did she base her suit?

Of course, in defending yourself, it may become necessary to offer countervailing evidence to what claims she makes. This may, of course entail testimony about her damaging-to-marital-happiness actions. She is aware of this, yes?

She filed on the grounds that our marriage is "irretrievably (sp?) broken". (My state is a no fault state.) My attorney told me to bring all proof I had when I dropped off my retainer agreement. I have about 30 email exchanges from them.

The realtor my wife selected just left us a stack of comps and we are going to lose our a$$ on this house.

I think a little dose of reality just hit WW. She said this is one of the worst days in her life.

You can still plan A, but you must emphasize to your lawyer that you want to drag this out as long as possible, that you want to counter on the grounds of mental cruelty (or find a reason, you can always find a reason), and ask for EVERYTHING.

That will be a hard dose of reality as well.

Here's the thing:

She's lashing out at you because you ruined her affair. Now she's thinks this is the way.

What do you do?

It's easy to descend into mud slinging and get nasty. This won't recover your marriage. You must very strictly separate marriage talk from divorce talk.

If she wants to talk divorce, you say, "My lawyer talks divorce. I'll talk about how to rebuild our marriage. Want to watch a movie (take a walk/have dinner together/bake cookies/play with the kids/have some friends over).

Be friendly, nice, and not overly affectionate. If anything, keep the affection to a minimum. She won't be receptive to it.

This will be the hardest thing you've ever done because she will not reciprocate in any way. If anything, your counter filing asking for the pajamas she sleeps in and the last bit of silverware and linen in addtion to the full custody of the kids will be a huge dose of reality she's not expecting.

Also, beat her to the punch and call your friends up and let them know that SHE had an affair and filed for a D, but that you'd like to rebuild the marriage and save things.

So if I'm not supposed to talk divorce with WW then how do we start dividing things and discussing all associated items? Is everything done through attorneys? That will be expensive...

This morning I printed a copy of the Basic Concepts and left it on the kitchen table with a note asking for 45 minutes of her time to talk to the Harley's. If she still isn't convinced, I offered To repay her in the settlement (good suggestion). She said she wasn't going to quibble over $200.

We'll see what happens...

When she brings it up, you say, "I will not discuss anything relating to divorce. I will only discuss how we can fix our marriage. Divorce will be handled through the attorneys."

She'll fume and rant. She wants things to be "friendly" and "nice" for the kids.

It's a fantasy. No such thing.

Your sentence above should be repeated ad nauseum.

If you discuss division of stuff, that means you've surrendered to her and she is getting her way.

Let her know you're fighting!

Not doing it through attorneys means you're making it easy for her.

DON'T.

Do you understand yet, that making the divorce process easy works AGAINST you?

DO NOT MAKE DIVORCE EASY!

I understand. Can I assume the same goes for selling the house? That should go through attorneys as well as part of divorce proceedings? My name is on the mortgage so she can't sell it or list it without my "approval."

Famous last words.

Quash this kind of thinking here. The... *cough* old-timers *cough*... are better qualified to say what is "typical" or not, bud.

They have seen some slimy waywards.

BX;

Have you noticed a trend in your thread?

The less you follow the advice given, the less people are going to post to you.


QUIT WAFFLING, MAN UP, AND DO AS INSTRUCTED.

This advice has been given time and time again, and has worked time and time again.

Quit fighting the advice, and start fighting the adultery.

I think a little dose of reality just hit WW. She said this is one of the worst days in her life.

Well, at LAST we have from you a positive statement about your situation. WW's total and abject discomfiture is what you want. You want to see to it that, unless she gets her lovely WW head out of her WW butt, as she evaluates the days to come, THIS day in retrospect was deeeeee-lightful.

The real trick is to structure you every action so that you remain the visible beacon of affection and EN-satisfaction, while privately doing everything to ruin her infidelity-influenced life. Hence, the lawyer, as in, "Gawsh, hunney-bunny, I don't know nothing about that divorce stuff, and am so busy trying to win you back, I don't have time to learn. Your lawyer will just have to speak to my lawyer." (Meanwhile, you're daily informing your lawyer to delay, disrupt, and destroy her plans of an easy dissolution.)

BX,

I find you receptive of advice so far, but be wary of thinking you know better.

You need to understand that you're not different, special, unique, or atypical.

Everything so far has been very standard. Nothing unusual here.

You see, we don't know you or your wife personally, but the pattern of behavior is soooooo common, that it is easy to spot. I've even been able to sniff out affairs in my own personal life since I've seen the signs so often here that I could tell when they hit for real in my personal interactions.

WW'es are delusional. They really think things will go their way and that there won't be any fight on your end. I've seen it here and now in my own family.

Don't fall for that idea. No, we don't know you personally but we know your wayward wife. Emphasis there is on "wayward". They all act and think the same.

The wild card in most of these situations is the BS. There are the BH's who are afraid of their WW'es. There's those that listen and follow instructions.

There's no guarantees that you'll save your marriage. But we know what works and what doesn't. Appeasement never works. Keeping the WW happy doesn't work.

Making the WW miserable works. If she's miserable, it means she's not getting her way or the affair has ended or you're doing things that are making it tough for her to leave with a clear conscience.

Helpthelostdads, I'm the first to admit I know nothing about this subject and therefore I do NOT know better. As a matter of fact I have posted on other's new threads telling guys to listen because people here are experts have their best interest at heart. All I do is offer moral support to my brothers injured by WWs.

Even the topic of a WW is so foreign to me my head is spinning. This thing went from 0 to 60 in about two seconds. There are so many thoughts in my head I am having trouble processing everything as fast as it comes from posters and WW.

Everyone's advice and support has been incredible. I look at this site more than any other. I value your opinions so that's why I ask so many questions even ones I know the answers to. I just want confirmation and support occasionally and this site gives me that.

I'm fighting for my marriage. Some of the concepts appear counterintuitive to me. I'm slow sometimes (live in KY) especially in subjects where I have no knowledge. But, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I learn my lesson eventually.

OK. I owe everyone an apology. The affair is not over. The VAR confirmed. I have to expose to work tonight. I'm sorry I second guessed everyone!

I'm sorry, BX.

What did the VAR conversation say?

She has spoken to him, they are trying to figure out ways to get to live in the same city, she referenced him as her boyfriend, etc.

Do I need to let her know I have the audio tapes? Do I need to expose to her again?

I know I'm not supposed to leave the house because of my kids so does it matter if she filed divorce papers already?

I guess plan B is in order...

I don't want to go home for a while!

go home!! be quiet and let the vets get here. you have been doing good.do not leave your home!

Though it is horrifying and very upsetting you go home and do NOT tell her you have recordings. You don't tell her at this juncture you know about the continuing affair.

You take deep breaths and plan. Then you follow the plan to the T and work the marriagebuilder magic.

You will be in the best place possible that way.

Tell yourself that you must learn not to shoot yourself in the foot by revealing your intelligence info. It would not stop the affair, it would just go deeper underground so you can't have insight to the truth.

It is tough but you are able to do this.

I agree with the rest, don't do anything yet, you need a solid plan of attack and confronting at this point before the plan is in place will be counterproductive.
You will be in for the fight of your life.....
Right now educate yourself on all the steps and Plan A, Plan B, exposure and No Contact letters..........and then when the vets show up and start putting your plan together for you, you listen and act.........one step at a time with patience and faith.
for now hang in there, breathe and come here and read and learn
jessi
sorry this is happening in your life.