He's given you a great hint. Thank him for it someday

"When he hurts he doesn't"

So stop hurting him, act on the great plan youve been given, start healing him...

He is being gut honest with you Rocky.

Go back and read Schoolbusses posts-ALL OF THEM>

She laid out a plan of ACTION.

When we are active WW/WH our words mean nothing.

OUr actIONS DO..........

nESRE

ROCKY: Some posters have been here longer than I have, and I can't hold a candle to some of them, so I don't want this to sound presumptuous, but just anecdotally speaking, I have noticed that the wayward spouses who blow off my posts tend to disappear from these forums without doing what it takes to save a marriage & make it better. They tend to be more talk than action when it comes to actually taking steps to help stop their betrayed spouses' bleeding & start repairing their marriages.

Yesterday, I gave you a very simple assignment: Change your cellphone # so that OM can no longer text you.
Easy, right? Not even much reading required.

And instead of addressing that in your post, you're here woe-is-me'ing about how it's been a tough day for you.

Did you change the number to help cut off contact with OM, so that it could be an easier day for your husband?
Or are you just talk instead of action?

Such a great and simple way to help your BH.

BH here's my new cell number I changed it so the OM can't contact me any more.

Rocky,


Your posts are all about



YOU.


Funny, don't you think?


It is all about what YOU feel.

What YOU can or cannot do. And you blame your lack of action on what your husband says.

You are very good at blaming him, aren't you????


In order to fix this mess YOU have created,


YOU need to take action

YOU need to get up off of YOUR butt

YOU need to do something YOUR VERY OWN SELF

YOU need to stop talking and DO something.


The affair was NOT about your husband.
The affair was all about YOU.
It was about what YOU wanted.
It was about what YOU decided.
It was about what YOU were thinking.
It was about what YOU were "feeling".

It was YOUR stupid mistake.

And it is YOUR mess to clean up!!!!


Do NOT call your husband to ask him what you should do to fix it.


YOU need to fix it.

Your husband will be on an emotional rollercoaster because YOU PUT HIM ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!

YOU bought him that ticket.
YOU did that, by having your affair, by having your boyfriend, by having intimacy with another man.
Oh yes, this is alllll about YOU.


And the 2 X 4 I am swinging right now is all about getting you to wake up. I am not being mean. I am trying to smack you into reality.

You need to get a grip on the reality that your husband is hurt and angry because YOU had an affair. He may very well have an instinct that he wants you away from him. The fact is that the only way to repair the marriage is to actually have time together - to see one another face to face.

That is...AFTER YOU HAVE STOPPED ALL CONTACT with your affair partner.


Have you done that yet????

Have you?


That is the easy first step, Rocky. I know you think you need to "ease away" from the OM. The fact is that you need to cut that contact cold-turkey, and be done with the creep. Done, done, done.


Forever done. No looking back.


Do that, and move back where you belong.



You will begin to realize exactly how stupid you have been when that fog lifts in just a few weeks.


And your husband will begin to benefit by seeing YOUR ACTIONS - he will be able to see you begin to change for the better. He will see you stop contact, move closer, and pay attention to the rebuilding of the marriage.


Those are things YOU control.

So instead of this ridiculous pity party YOU are throwing for YOUR SELF

why not concentrate on repairing the wounds you have inflicted on your husband instead?


I will GUARANTEE this: when you begin to work on your husband's wounds, magically YOUR wounds will heal.

It is a strange fact, but true.


SB

I have changed my number today! I have apolgized to some so far not all yet his family has

hated me since the very first day they met me never really been around them much but I will apoligize to them and thank them for being there for my husband when I was putting him though all of this

that I am very thankful to them for and sorry I have caused so much pain!

I answer his questions honestly but then he doesnt want to talk to me at all hurts more

I am reading and try really hard to talk to my husband!ireally think I just hurt him to much and He is excitied about that new life--the happy painless one without me in it.

which he deserves to be happy and safe and not hurt anymore I just want us both to have that together and I think he can only see it with out me. I am gonna keep trying and follow the plan but I truly think he will never forgive me never want me back with him

I will resepct what he chooses
I will keep trying I am willing to do anything he needs

I am with everything I am sorry for hurting my husband and family there are no excuses I can't change the past and the mistakes/horrible choices I have made

what else can I do?? he doesn't want me to come to him I can't just show up when he is telling me he doesn't want me around him

This is progress, RockyD. This is a good step.

The battle for your marriage isn't one you can win in a day, or a week.
Some days will be better. Some days will feel like you've fallen backwards. That's how he feels.

He could've sicked a lawyer on you already. He hasn't. In your sitch, that's progress in itself.

Keep fighting each new day. Don't worry about your need to talk to him. Some days he may need that, some days he may not. Try to gauge each day what he needs from you for that day.

Have you gotten "Surviving An Affair" yet?
It was one of the most important reads of my life. Just sayin'.

I have cut all contact I have changed my number I am read what I can to learn how to give my husband what he need's from me

I am going to cousling for myself starting next week......

I in no way am trying to throw myself a pity party or take away from what I have done and the pain I have caused my husband

Rocky

Its one of the biggest weekends of the year so my suggestion to you would be to read all you can here. If you have questions post them but expect respones to be slow. I myself have company coming in a short time.

Good to see you listened to others and have taken the first step. Cutting off contact and keeping no contact is highly critical and one of most important ways to show S2 you are serious. Talking to the family also was good.

Remember feelings follow actions. Keep this in mind. When you take and make consistant actions in the direction of healing the M hopefully feelings will follow. We are all human and the feelings may not follow as fast as we like.

GO is right and this MB's is a process and all your problems wont be gone by next week. Think of the process as a marathon not a short sprint.

Be careful with the I/C. A lot of them just want to see there client out of pain and take shortcuts to get the client there. Make sure she knows your goals and as the paying client will help you and support you to get there. If they wont fire them on the spot and find one that will.

Gotta run
nESRE

Rocky,


My point is that you stop focusing on your own pain.


Think about this:

You have stabbed someone, and you then complain that YOU have to clean up the mess of blood on the floor.


Do you see that you should focus on stopping the bleeding wound instead, and not the mess on the floor? Focus on the major issue, which is the major wound - YOUR HUSBAND'S PAIN.


You see, it is by helping to heal your husband's pain that your own pain will heal.

I swear to you that the only way you will heal is if you focus your efforts on his pain.


Here is how this works:


1. You stop all contact with the OM. This reduces your husband's pain and worry about your continuing the affair. It won't "cure" it, but it is a step in the right direction for YOUR HUSBAND.

The by-product for you? Because you are stepping away from the OM, your addiction to the sensation and ego-stroking that the affair with him gave you will lessen. As soon as 3 or 4 weeks from now, your head will begin to clear up, and you will start to see how this OM was not as "special" as you once thought. You will also begin to see how destructive his influence was on your own life, and how you allowed your fantasies about him and a fantasy life with him to destroy your marriage. You will also start to realize that the fantasies about this OM were actually the BEGINNING of the issues with your husband - the CAUSE of the problems - and that the problems with your husband could have been solved much more easily had you NOT had the affair. YOU benefit by helping your husband's pain. Even though you think you will hurt when you cut off contact with OM, in the final analysis, you end up benefitting.

2. Apologizing to everyone publicly helps to heal your husband's pain. This gives your husband's family and friends the information that HE is in the right in this situation in your marriage, and that you have taken 100% of the blame for your affair. This tells your husband that you are willing to publicly acknowledge your wrong, and that he does not have to stand up anywhere and explain what has happened, and that YOU will do this for him and stand up for him always regarding this situation. That is a heavy load to carry! You relieve him of this, and take the doubt out of anyone else's mind about why "he" might have driven you to an affair, or why he was such a bad husband that you "had to have an affair". By apologizing publicly, you REMOVE this and you take this out of the mix. He is NOT AT FAULT, and you tell everyone this for a FACT.

YOU benefit because other people see you as a woman who is willing to apologize for what she has done wrong, and take her hits when she deserves them. Also, your husband now knows that you will humble yourself when you should - and admit your mistakes willingly when you are in the wrong. This means that he can count on you to stand up when you are right, stand up for him when he is right, and to admit when you are wrong: these are the marks of a person who is honest. That is someone who is worth being married to! YOU BENEFIT when you apologize, when you MEAN your apology. So make sure you apologize to all the right people, and mean it. (For what it's worth, I can tell that you do mean your apology!)

3. When you make the changes to your phone number, and you MOVE CLOSER to your husband, and you change your behavior to meet his emotional needs, you are doing things that are meant to improve the relationship between the two of you. When you make efforts to do the things that your husband enjoys, and to meet the needs that he has, you are doing things to help him recover.

His recovery, which may be slow, means that he may be able to feel closer to YOU. Which

benefits YOU.


With each thing that you do FOR HIM


YOU BENEFIT.


Soooooooo,

stop focusing on yourself.


It is not productive.



Focus on doing the things that heal your husband. If making a change in your own behavior makes you a better person, do it. Because you SHOULD be a better person. In terms of the marital relationship, TAKE ACTION that meets your HUSBAND'S needs.

Those are the things you should be doing.


SB

Rocky, SB is spot-on here:


Rocky, you'll see that the POSOM didn't care about you. Anyone who truly cared about you would have LEFT YOUR M ALONE. The OM showed the ultimate level of disrespect for you by disrespecting your M and your BH as well. When we marry we become one. Whether you consider it disrespect to you or disrespect to your husband (really, it's both) it goes both ways. Yes, you share the blame for your A but the OM is not blameless either - he chose to make a married woman how wh*re. That's not love, it's not respect. Anyone who is low enough to disregard a marriage vow - and that includes you and me, as I was a WW myself - is NOT a good person. Cut the cord cleanly and never look back, regardless of how things turn out with you & Strike.


This was one of the most difficult steps I undertook. When my H and I were together and trying to reconcile, he didn't want his family to know (he didn't feel they would be helpful b/c of the issues of infidelity in their pasts), and the only one in the family who the A had been exposed to was his aunt. I'd lied to her in the beginning too, but once I finally admitted to the PA I told her the truth as well. When my H moved out at the beginning of this year, I called his sister and told her thr truth. I sat down with his stepmother and told her the truth. I called his mother and asked her to come over so we could talk, and told her thr truth. See, I didn't want H to bear any of the blame for our separation. I didn't want his family to believe he was at fault in any of this. It hurts, because I know his family doesn't feel the same about me, but it was a consequence I brought on myself by having an A.



Rocky, can I ask you, what is there for you, in your life 950 miles away from Strike? The OM? Memories of the A? Again, regardless of how things turn out for you and Strike, this is your chance to begin again, to remove any ties you have to the OM. Yes, Strike may be saying he doesn't want you to move there just now...but think about what your actions will say, if you pack up all your belongings and you move, find a place to stay near Strike...Rocky, that speaks volumes. Volumes.




Regardless of what happens in your M, you gotta fix the hole in your character that allowed you to cheat, Rocky. All waywards - myself included - have a hole in their character.

I agree too, with nesre's advice on the IC - watch out. Early in my M, before my H and I had even had kids, I ended up going to IC on my own. I wanted MC, but H refused. My goal was to figure out how to "fix" my M. My IC was lousy. Her advice was to get a D. I didn't, and stopped seeing that IC, but we never "fixed" our problems. I started IC again after H left me, and I could tell her goal was not to tell me how to build a better M, or how to be a better wife, but she wanted to help me "feel better"...she was trying to advise me to "move on." I quit going to her, too. I know what I want, and what I want to fight for, and it's not a D and "healthy" single-ness.

It's a romantic, passionate, committed M with the man I love, and I haven't given up on it yet.

Make a grand gesture, Rocky. Show Strike you ain't giving up yet.

I thank all of you!! I have been thinking of moving anyways I hear my husband and he isn't ready for me to be there

but I also think it's really important for me to help him the ways he needs and going to need me I need to be there closer atleast

I haven't told him yet even, but I am making the plans to just move there maybe get an apartment close by so I am there for him
that way when he needs space and time he has that to

I thank all of you for helping me help my husband!!!!!!!!!!

Rocky, I have nothing to add to the brilliant things that others have advised you to do, what I do want to do is tell you how lucky you are.

You have some AMAZING people guiding you. Listen to what they are saying to you and examine WHY they are saying these things to you. Look at yourself. Fix what you need to fix. You owe it to yourself, your marriage, and your husband.

Rocky - stop the bleeding and get moving.

The boys need you both and you need to prove with your words and actions to Strike that you are truly remorseful and ready.

Finish your assignments and if at all possible get in with one of the good Dr's here.

Strike is giving you a great chance. Stick with it.

I am following the advice given I am trying to help my husband and give him what he needs while trying to learn what all those needs are

there are times where I think we are making progress there are other times I feel like I am failing at meeting his needs and making him feel better! maybe prgress is lik a windy road...? idk!

we are taking things slowly--I have read every tab on this site some parts several times! truly worried about tom its the 4th and my husband is away from both our boys and I know he is hurting for all I have done to him

sry just doesn't come close

its lik yea a gun shot wound

I have to stop the bleeding from the wound before I can clean up the mess and I am the one who created the wound...try swollowing that for a dose of reality.

So far I feel lik nothing I do or say helps not that I blame him for it meaning nothing....................................

I send request for telephone cousiling havent discussed it with my husband yet but with the 950mls between us seem like the best start untill I am able to make the move closer to him. I called

my relator to rent my current house been looking online for a job in fla today.

He isn't talking to me today, he hasn't told anyone that we have been talking that's why he refuses me to talk to his family so I can apologize

he doesn't want anyone to know ashamed I guess doesn't want them to think of him as a fool and he knows all to well they have from day one disaproved of me

now that I am truly the monster that has caused so much pain truly don't blame them for their advice to him there opion has always meant the most to him.

I tried to express how sry I was to him for putting him in that spot explained why I wanted to apoloigies to them so he didn't have to carry all of that but he isn't having it

You may just have to drop what you're doing now and just pack what you can and move. NOW. Not when the house is listed or even rented or when you have a job. NOW.

Get yourself to Florida - reunite the boys and reconnect with your husband.

Rocky 7 1 11



Rocky

I read this quick and took it to mean you had talked to some of the family.




Rocky

At this point honesty with your actions is the only way to show S2 you are really serious.

I did not read anywhere in any posts to discuss the suggestions with S2 you were given.

You see this is all about you now trying to correct what has happened.

This is about truely changing Rocky with her actions that back it up into all the Synonyms listed below.


honesty (noun)

hon�es�ty noun \ˈ�-nəs-tē\

Definition of HONESTY

2a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : sincerity

3: any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques

Examples of HONESTY
She is admired for her kindness and her honesty.
He demands honesty from everyone who works for him.
He didn't even have enough honesty to tell me he was leaving.

Related to HONESTY
Synonyms: integrity, probity, truthfulness, veracity, verity
Antonyms: deceit, deceitfulness, dishonesty, lying, mendaciousness, mendacity, untruthfulness

Related Words: honor, honorableness, incorruptibility, rectitude, righteousness, right-mindedness, scrupulosity, scrupulousness, uprightness; artlessness, candidness, candor, forthrightness, frankness, good faith, guilelessness, ingenuousness, plainspokenness, sincerity, straightforwardness; dependability, reliability, reliableness, trustability, trustiness, trustworthiness; accuracy, objectivity; authenticity, correctness, genuineness, truth; credibility
Synonym Discussion of HONESTY
honesty, honor, integrity, probity mean uprightness of character or action. honesty implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way. honor suggests an active or anxious regard for the standards of one's profession, calling, or position. integrity implies trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust, responsibility, or pledge. probity implies tried and proven honesty or integrity.


That change carries much more weight with credibility when it comes from you directly. His family may not care much for you now but at least they will have to acknowledge that you were honest and stood up for your M. Share with them your plans. You may be surprised. They may support you. They may not tell you that or could be quite pessimistic. This is about your M. Not theirs. You are now trying to right the wrong and actions will show them you do mean business.

Those issues you discussed above about the family need to be discussed further down the road possibly when you two reach the recovery stage. Please try to follow what was suggested in previous posts.

Please stay off S2's thread and would suggest you do what is possible for YOU to clean up your side of the street. No one else can do it for you. It is your responsibility.

Remember what Schoolbus said-




Take responsibility

Apologize-Your true honesty may shock them and leave them speechless

Get your tail near S2 ASAP even if it is not living together. At least be close by.

nESRE