Hello everyone!

Some of you may remember me from the Surviving an Affair forums.....then again, maybe not. After it became clear that WH was really going to leave, I lost faith pretty much everything for awhile and disappeared.

But I'm back now, and looking forward to the support that I know I can find and give here.

A bit of background for my situation. Found out last March (when I was 5 mths pregnant with our second child) that my husband was having an affair, and had been since about 3 weeks after our honeymoon the August before. I gave everything I could to saving it, using MB and all (albeit probably not always as strongly as I should have), but come September he left me. He waffled back and forth up until Feb, saying maybe we should try again, but he never was willing to leave POSOW and in Feb it was the final straw. I told him that was it and filed for divorce.

So here I am now, 15.5 months after D-Day. I read the phrase "feeling like a stunned seal" in a book, and it really describes how I spent much of these last 15 months. Then suddenly I began to feel like life was okay and liveable again - that year mark is really a magic number! I started seeing my friends again, remembering other things that used to make me happy in life, began to remember interests I used to have - I sort of came back to life. I even started dating again (please, no , I know the divorce hasn't come through yet)....and this really opened my eyes to how much better my life is going to be.

Granted, I still hate it when my kids are gone. I hate knowing that they're over there, especially my little one year old boy, with POSOW (the Wh*re, as I refer to her), and that DD (4 yrs) actually likes going there (I know this is good for her, that she's okay, but it still kills me a little). I get very angry at him at times, when he's done something particularly irresponsible, and I blame him for f'ing up my life (especially since at this point, there are some really weird things going on with his job and I'm wondering if he's lying - again - and shortly to be unemployed. I'd lose my house without payments from him).

I know there's going to be lots of bumps ahead still, that it won't end with signing the divorce in Sept, and I'm hoping I'll find the same help here that I did when I could barely get through the hour, let alone the day, after finding out about his affair.

So, hello to everyone here!

I should also say that sometimes I have horrible bouts of missing soon-to-be-ex WH badly. Just things about him that are special to him, characteristics and stories we shared and history. Some times are really bad for missing those. Does that stop, ever? Or will I always miss some things so badly?

Welcome Back NP!

You sound great!
Are you still in Plan B? Do you limit your contact with STBXH?

Did OW ever get divorced?

Keep yourself safe, and out of their drama!

NP, I'm so glad to hear from you! Although your marriage did not recover, YOU have. And you'll just get better and better!

I'm not going to 2x4 you for dating - I was there for every one of your posts, and I know how long and hard you worked on getting your M back. I also know how badly your STBX treated you and how callous he was during your whole ordeal. (Adultery is bad enough, but to have to find out while you're pregnant?! )

I think it's pretty normal to occasionally miss the man your STBX was. You have a once-good history with him, and children together. Missing him just shows that you're emotionally normal. I suspect that will ease in time, as you continue building your new, better life.

Enjoy the kiddos! They grow up so fast!

NP

Any husband who cheats on his pregnant wife can rot in hell.
Sorry.
I am fresh out of empathy/understanding for waywards today.
Come back and check in tomorrow.

Maybe I need to eat something ????

I'm sure everyone agrees with you, Pep.

Oh how I've missed all of you!! And I'm SO GLAD to see familiar names on here!

I'm not in Plan B any longer. I have no interest in recovering with him. My LB became pretty non existent after a while....so I figured what was the point?? And each time I talk to him or see him I know that this is truly the right direction for my life to be going in.

I have no idea if POSOW ever finalized her divorce. I know it was in the works, but I haven't talked to her husband in a LONG time, so I have no idea. And I'm sure not asking WH! I'm not sure I care either. Even if she's not, they're still together....

On a side note, I called their house one time trying to reach WH. I guess POSOW was mad I was calling - don't I have a right to call the house where my kids are? - and you should have heard how WH talked to her!! "F**k you! What the F**k's the matter with you??" It sounded so familiar....and I was so glad she was on the receiving end instead of me. She's sure not gaining any prize!

Plan B isn't just for recovery. It's a long-term thing to, so you can avoid the toxicity.

Really? REALLY?

Good riddance.

hehehehe --

that alone would make me call that house EVERY time my kids were there. Maybe even more often....

When was the last time you had empathy/understanding for a wayward?

I agree,
who screws around with a pregnant wife, be thankful he is out of your life, find someone that wouldn't think this was okay........
I know it's hard to let go of a life you dedicated your life to.
but look at tomorrow, live a better life than the one you had with him, that is the best revenge.......
jessi

Good to hear that you are doing well NP! You know how I felt about your WH. I made it clear many times on your thread of what I think of men that cheat on pregnant wives. They are the lowest of the low. Good riddance!

You on the other hand, are going to be great! Try to minimize interaction with him as much as possible and just move on with your life. You are overdue for some good things to come your way. Focus on you and the precious kiddos and life will be good.

The BEST REVENGE is living well.

Hey NP. Dunno what made me check the DandD board tonight, I usually stick to SAA(since I kinda know what I am talking about there).

I will give you a little 2x4 about dating right now, but it isn't just about still being legally married. You should heal, and get over the turd you married so you can really move on and find some happiness.

Also, I think that you should do a Plan B type thing. If you aren't going to go NC with him, at least do just emails. This way, you can think about how you would like to respond and you will have proof of what was said. Think about it, k?

Good to see you.

LOL! You wicked girl!

I promise to try to scare up a little sympathy for him if when his affair with OW falls apart, and he realizes what he really lost with NP and the kids. The stupid wayward. It won't be all about him then, the poor thing.

Glad to see you continuing to share here NP. I can tell you that it does continue to get better day by day. At each stage of the process I suspect you will feel more relief as well as strength. As I'm sure you already know, you will have good days and some bad days. Over time, you will think less and less of your knucklehead of a STBX and may even pity him somewhat for what he has chosen to miss out on. His problem though, and not yours. You know how hard you tried and you should sleep very soundly with no regrets.

I do agree with Scotty in that I hope you keep contact to a minimum and use text/email as the primary means of communication. Contact only when absolutely necessary helped me to fully detach emotionally. I also agree that you should take it very slow with the dating stuff. Trust me, there are plenty of decent guys out there and plenty of time to meet them. I'm sure you will have no problems in that regard.

I would strive to reach a point of indifference about your STBX (other than how that affects your kids). When you are truly indifferent to him and his actions/words have no effect on you, you will probably be ready to date. Beware the common pitfalls many of us BSs have made and shared on this board and the other After Divorce board when entering the dating game again.

It is exciting and can be fun when you are truly ready. But please keep in mind that most of us have gone for so long without any positive attention or any needs being met that we tend to put too much weight when we do meet somebody who is 'nice' to us. We also tend to be a little needy and insecure- even when we think we are not. We ARE still somewhat vulnerable even if we are convinced otherwise. I have learned that myself anyway.

As time goes on you will probably face some internal (and at times external) debate on whether or not you are "ready" and there are many opinions on the issue. I suggest you weigh them all and try to make the right choice for you by honestly assessing where you are at in the healing process and what you are looking for in your dating future.

I hope your settlement process goes smoothly and I am glad you are here!

Oh yeah, I wanted to add that I think feelings of sadness and missing what once was or could have been are completely normal. I'm not sure if they ever totally stop, but I do think they become less frequent as time goes on and you continue your own recovery.

Your marriage and time together will always be a part of you and I think it is OK to retain some memories. I just don't think it's a good idea to dwell on them or live in the past. Recognize them for what they are- and then move on. All part of the process.