I accidentally posted this in the wrong section a few days ago. Since I am not with my partner anymore and we have no plans to reconcile, I thought this the best place to ask advice.

I have been trying to recover from my ex's affair for over two years now. He was very good to me, and we had a very strong and happy relationship-- there was never any fighting or problems. Out of nowhere, he walked away one day. He cheated with the OW and left me for her when I was 6 months pregnant. This blow was completely killing, since he was so elated and looking forward to being a family and our child being born. Since he left he has changed from someone willing to co-parent and look for our child's best interests, into someone who follows the OW's rules. He made it clear to me in the last 3 months of my pregnancy he could not see me (though he made it to the last two ultrasounds and the birth). In the first few weeks our daughter was born, I was informed he could not help me with our daughter because he was not allowed to be in the same room with me alone, at the OW's demand.

It has been downhill from there. My ex has seen our daughter maybe just over a dozen times in the last two years since her birth. Usually on holidays and usually only for an hour or so, until the OW gets tired of it. The OW has seen my child all of 6 times, 3 in passing. They moved in together 4 months after he and I seperated, and got engaged after another 2. They have plans to be married in two months (I'm devestated)-- and yet I still have no other parent to help me with our child. And I still have the OW at every visitation and conversation with my ex, where she continually tries to rub the affair in my face. Other people have noticed this too.

My ex seems to do well in the moments he is alone with our child. Polite, civil, and sometimes friendly when we do manage to have a random conversation by ourselves. However, he is disrespectful and cruel towards me when the OW is around-- and has made some bad decisions concerning my child's safety once or twice, based on what the OW felt like doing that day. I still have not forgiven either one of them for those mistakes where my daughter was not in a safe environment. Since then, I have pretty much ceased visitation, save special occassions and special days, in which I have made sure I am present.

My question is this: is there a point in which I can legally let go of these two people if they have no consistancy, help, or influence in my daughter's life? At the current moment, visitation is at my discretion, and I know my ex would like me to give into all the OW's outrageous demands so he can see his daughter as often as HE would like.. I am not willing to do that, but I am curious if it would be a good idea to barter the compromises of visitation if I insist he go to co-parenting therapy. Has it helped for anyone? Or would it be best to let go at this point? I do not see him coming around to be a father as long as he is with this woman, perhaps even after. But I know I am tired of this painful situation.

It sounds like you are not married, correct? Did you list your ex as the father when the birth certificate was filled out?

No, we are not. We were planning to be married when he had the affair. He is listed on the birth certificate.

I would try to find someone who wants to be with me and wants to be a good father.

Your daughter is young enough and has had such limited contact with her bio father that she could easily attach to a new father. I have heard that step-parenting can work almost like bio-parenting if the relationship is forged when the child is under 5.

I wouldn't try to maintain a relationship between your child and her reluctant bio father. I would let the visits stop, and try to establish a secure marriage with someone who wants to be married to you, and who wants to have a family.

I know you can't find someone just like that, but I would start working towards forging a marriage with someone good.

As the mother of this baby and as the person with custody, you get to call the shots. I wouldn't put up with OW's crazy behavior for one more second. Tell your ex that if he wants to visit "HIS" baby, he can do so alone but OW is not allowed anywhere near the baby. Maybe that will mean he won't see "HIS" baby at all but that's his choice. You don't have to make the choice for him. Your choice is to do what's best for your child and it sounds like keeping that child as far away from OW as possible is what's important right now, especially if your child was endangered while in ex's and OW's company.

If your ex starts demanding visitation, let him visit ... alone with you present to assure the child's safety. Again, you get to call the shots.

Actually I have physical custody, but we have joint legal. He says that by not allowing him to "take" our daughter out to his home with his fiance that I am violating his visitation. I don't believe I am, but he also has yet to fight me on it, despite a few threats to take me to court (I believe he knows I would probably win if it came down to it).

That was a main question I had thought about in my post. I wonder if there is a way I can seperate myself and my daughter from those two, without legal repercussions. I don't want to be in this situation anymore.

not sure what state you are in and it all depends on how visitation is written out in your custody agreement. There can be a few different variations of what is legal for you depending on how things are worded.

i know in my state when the custody was set up i could not limit where my daugther was taken when it was her fathers time and i could not make it sole visitation in my home. he had not posed any harm to my child and neither had the OW. I had no legal ground to stand on to preven them from taking my daughter to their house. My lawyer tried even on moral basis but in my state or rather area that doesn't matter much. They just want to make sure there is no harm to the child.