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Good luck dmh! Sounds like you guys are headed in the right direction.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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dmh --
congrats!
You're probably in a little bit of a honeymoon period right now.
Right now you're relieved and grateful that he's home.
But there are going to be other emotions -- so prepare yourself for them. You will get angry. You will get resentful. You will have triggers. Anniverserys of different events will bring them about (the day you discovered, the day he left you, etc.)
So even a year or two from now -- you might experience negative thoughts and feelings.
What is important is that you stick with this program and not get lazy with it after 6 or 7 months (thinking everything is healed and over...)
The very best thing you could do is get involved with the MB counseling program. Get a proven plan for recovery.
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You're probably in a little bit of a honeymoon period right now.
Right now you're relieved and grateful that he's home. That's kind of what I was thinking. I'm not saying it's a bed of roses or anything, but it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess. Thank you all so very much for your encouragement.
BW Me 31
WH 30
Married 2002
Children: DS 11, DS 8, DD 2
DD 01/07/11
I Filed Divorce 2 weeks later to protect myself and children.
In Plan B since 06/26/11.
Recovery began 07/23/11.
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dmh --
I really hope you stick around here and post to the newbies!
Your message of how PLAN B really works can be such an important one!
Look at you! Less than one month of Plan B, and he honors all of your requirements! That is a success my friend!
So many people FEAR Plan B -- and yet it is needed in so many situations. You have a great testimony to share with those come here needing advice. Especially about NOT FEARING Plan B!
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dmh, it is real important that you have a PLAN for recovery right now. You are at a very critical juncture in your marriage and you can take the path of recovery [which takes diligence and hard work] or you can have no plan and stay in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. Those who do the latter, often end up back here in a couple of years reporting another affair. Your work has just begun if you want to recover your marriage. I don't know if your friends at church know how to recover the romantic love in your marriage, but I would strongly advise you to use Marriage Builders if you want this to work. Most couples DON'T recover from affairs because they just stop working when the affair ends and they end up worse off than they were before. Here is what it takes: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. the fastest way to fall in love again is to schedule 20+ hours per week of undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. This will make the fastest, most dramatic difference in your marriage: Policy of Undivided Attention
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you so much Melody. We are mostly finished with step one except for the information part. He's willing to give. I'm not so sure I want to hear it. I'm concerned that it will just be even more to work through. I mean, a simple statement he says like, "I eat barbeque sauce now" makes me HATE barbeque sauce. I don't even want it in my home. It's ridiculous, but it is what it is. I'm afraid if he starts talking about stuff, I'll get more and more stuff like this that I want to avoid at all costs. Or movies in my head. Or I don't even know. I will say, from the stuff that he did say, I romanticized and made the affair a lot more pleasant than it was. I was expressing a concern I had, and he said I wish you'd just ask me some things. There is so much I want to share. I told him that I don't know if I'll ever come to a place where I'll ask, so just say it if you want to. It actually made me feel a LOT better.....if he's telling the truth. I *think* he is, but the whole thing is just so bizarre. If it was *that* bad why did he even stay. He gave me his reasons, they make sense, but still.
BW Me 31
WH 30
Married 2002
Children: DS 11, DS 8, DD 2
DD 01/07/11
I Filed Divorce 2 weeks later to protect myself and children.
In Plan B since 06/26/11.
Recovery began 07/23/11.
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It is important for your recovery for you to get all of these "little" things out of the way now so you don't have to keep repeating it over and over again. You will stay stuck and need to restart your recovery. That won't be any fun at all.
Also, sharing the details with your WH will actually take away the power that the A and OW would have. There would be no secrets anymore. There are still things that will come up.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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That makes total sense. I don't know if I'm even ready for all of this, but I guess it's better to just get it out of the way.
BW Me 31
WH 30
Married 2002
Children: DS 11, DS 8, DD 2
DD 01/07/11
I Filed Divorce 2 weeks later to protect myself and children.
In Plan B since 06/26/11.
Recovery began 07/23/11.
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That makes total sense. I don't know if I'm even ready for all of this, but I guess it's better to just get it out of the way. It really is. Get it all out now so you can move on. You don't even want to be 6 months wondering about details and having to drag it all out again. Get it out now [you decide the level of detail] and then don't bring it up again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We had our talk. I think I'm happy with my answers and have all I need. I think he needed it too. Thank you so much for pushing me to do this. I'm going to move on over to the recovery section. I just want to thank everyone for walking with me on my journey, and I'll be praying for you all.
BW Me 31
WH 30
Married 2002
Children: DS 11, DS 8, DD 2
DD 01/07/11
I Filed Divorce 2 weeks later to protect myself and children.
In Plan B since 06/26/11.
Recovery began 07/23/11.
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dmh, so happy to hear your husband is back home with you, ready to agree to the conditions of returning.
Recovery is often a roller coaster, so be prepared for your emotions to change from one day to the next, or even faster than that. But it can be done, as attested to by the veterans on this forum.
Recovery was tough enough that we decided to enroll in the MB Online course and that helped keep us on track and accountable. Although it is hard on the betrayed spouse for sure, it is also hard on the truly formerly wayward. They often begin to feel a tremendous guilt and remorse that is hard for them to work through.
My FWH looks back at the days of his adultery and the month or two after that and shakes his head, wondering how he got so off-track. MB really helped him see where his boundaries were sloppy.
Here's to a healthy recovery....
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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