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Haven't been here for awhile...sad to have to come back, but knew it was the right place to come. This time it's for my friend:
Her husband confessed to an EA a couple of days ago. It seems pretty standard (met online, got to talking, blah blah), but he has thrown a wrench in the gears by saying that he has realized that he is polyamorous and wants out of the marriage because he can't live a lie any longer and knows it will only hurt everyone more if he continues.
He claims he's done his "research" and came to this conclusion long before meeting OW (who is apparently the first, but "it doesn't matter who it is - if not her, it would be someone else"), but I'm pretty suspicious of the timing.
My question is this: is there any point in engaging the whole "polyamorous" justification? Or does my friend treat this like any other garden variety affair?
Ordinarily, I'd know exactly what to make of it and just chalk it up to the fog, but this calm assertion that "this is who I am and I don't want to be in a marriage anymore" is throwing me a bit...
BS (me) - 34
FWH (him) - 35
Married 15 years
D-day - December 20, 03
Recovered
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he has realized that he is polyamorous and wants out of the marriage because he can't live a lie any longer and knows it will only hurt everyone more if he continues  That's really hilarious spin, but an affair is an affair. It wouldn't matter if he renamed it a dog fart, it is still an affair. Your friend should completely ignore the fogbabble and treat this as just another sleazy, filthy affair. She should expose it wide and far and then go into Plan B if he won't end his affair in 3 weeks. Send her here and we will help her out! p.s. please add this fogbabble to the famous crazy statements made by waywards, that is hilarious!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I, too, am polyamorous.
I love ice cream.
Schoolbus
Gosh.........can we think of another lame justification for messing around? Could we at least be original?????? Tell her to get herself onto this website and we can get her going on a plan.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Oh, he has renamed his sin. Nice.
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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Phew...thanks everyone. I totally needed a reality check. Guess my fogbabble detector is a little rusty  . I'll try to get her over here for some more support. In the meantime, off to dig out my copy of HNHN, sigh.
BS (me) - 34
FWH (him) - 35
Married 15 years
D-day - December 20, 03
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Griselda, do you have Surviving an Affair? That is the book I would steer her to. Hopefully, she will come here so we can help her kill the affair. We love doing that! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Um, I thought "polyamorous" was one of those things that couples had to AGREE ON first. I do not agree with it, but I do know several couples who practice it, and that's usually how it works.
As everyone else said--it's an affair.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Um, I thought "polyamorous" was one of those things that couples had to AGREE ON first. Well, I can agree to smoke 4 packs of Marlboros a day, doesn't mean it is good for me! No amount of agreement will overcome the damage of adultery.....or smoking. Some call it "polymory," others call it "swinging," others "3-D marriages,"  some call it what it is: adultery. We can call it the President of the United States, it won't change reality. I do give this wayward extra brownie points for creative FOGBABBLE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, I don't have SAA, but thanks for the reminder that that's the best one for her situation now. I think HNHN is the only MB one I've got.
(I've always wondered about my copy of it...I got it from an aunt and uncle as a wedding present and wondered if it was coming from a place of experience.)
BS (me) - 34
FWH (him) - 35
Married 15 years
D-day - December 20, 03
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I was agreeing with you, Mel. Waywards get more creative every day...
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Wow, I'm impressed with this level of creativity!.
Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Polymory is not a condition, it's a decision -- another twisted excuse to get around your marriage vows and have your EN met by more than one person. Nothing special about it.
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I was agreeing with you, Mel. Waywards get more creative every day... heheee, they sure do...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And karmarose is right ... polymory, or "swinging," is supposed to be agreed on and allowed by both spouses. If his wife didn't know about it until now, he cannot call himself polyamorous.
He's just grasping at twisted straws. Not even very creatively, I think.
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My question is this: is there any point in engaging the whole "polyamorous" justification? There is never any point to having a logical debate with a wayward. They will throw arguments at you, but the truth is that the decision is driven by emotion. In fact, the beliefs are driven by emotion. What happened is that the husband committed adultery, then he changed his beliefs to match. This is how it always happens. Each time a new line is crossed, beliefs are changed. Sadly, for most people, beliefs usually follow behavior, rather than driving behavior.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What happened is that the husband committed adultery, then he changed his beliefs to match. Yup.
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He is just a typical wayward with a better-than-your-average-wayward vocabulary.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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"Open Marriage" has to be the biggest oxymoron around. People who want to sleep around need to stay SINGLE, and if they try to have both then their tormented spouses need to MAKE them single.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Marriage is kind of like pregnancy.
Either you're pregnant or you're NOT.
You cannot be a little of both.
This is a man who is VOCAL about demanding he get to eat cake 24/7/365.
And I wouldn't call his vocabulary good. I'd say he googled how he was feeling and that term was spit out at him.
He sounds like a freeloader or a renter at best. He is NOT a buyer. Please send his poor bw here to get support asap!
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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