P.S. I don't know how to search for these quotes, but I could show you at least 2 that I remember if I could find them.

Road:

We're all in our early 30s.
Married 8 years.
NC has been since November.

I am going to suggest you have grossly minimized the effect of your abuse on your H to a shocking degree. No one just gets over it in a few months. Your H has been placed in a horrendous situation with your affair and his subsequent discovery that this child was not his. Add to that the deceit of his parents who still believe their only grandchild [your OC] is his biological child.

If you believe that an event that is more traumatic than the death of a child, rape or physical assault does not cause him anxiety, then you have a shocking lack of empathy. I suspect this is a huge part of the problem, that this has all been swept under the rug. Don't tell me he is "totally fine." Even the most well adjusted people who only experience adultery are not "totally fine" this soon. Your H has the added horror of dealing with an OC and fighting an OM in court.

Road:

I misread your question. NC has been going okay. It was wierd seeing OM in court--we didn't even make eye contact or look at each other--and our only other interactions were in courtrooms negotiating things, but it was cold and business-like, with BH handling all speaking. I snuck out of the room as fast as I could when my part was over, and since then BH handles all OC exchanges and phone calls. I don't even stay in the same room when BH has to talk to OM on phone. Other than that, I don't have facebook or any online social life (other than MB) that would tempt me, and we don't live close enough to run into each other accidentally, so things are going smoothly. NC has been fairly easy for me.

I am sure every wayward thinks of their OP from time to time for the rest of their lives, but that is very different from being so fogged out that they romanticize it.

Here is why you are triggered. You saw the OM in court and are there when your H speaks to him on the phone. That keeps him top of mind. It keeps you high on the affair.

Mel, what are you suggesting then? That I bring A up to him, force him to talk about A? I can only believe what he tells me (which I assume is open and honest based on the context of the conversation), and if indeed BH isn't being honest and the A is a trigger, what can I do now about it? With that logic the only solutions would be to leave him so that the burden of the A is off of him, or simply be fine with AOs as his form of healing and stay a dysfunctional family. Neither sounds like a good option to me. I'm not sure what you're driving at, other than to just be okay with the AOs because of what I've done. To me that sounds like two wrongs making a right. I was/still am emphathetic but there comes a point when we have to start building love, and I cannot relive A just as BH doesn't want to either.

Which is why I can't chalk all our problems on my A. We are each 100% responsible for our own choices, right? I cannot possibly be to blame for everything that goes wrong for the rest of our lives because of my mistake two years ago. If that's the case, then we'll never move forward or be happy...what's the joy in M then?

Here's how: Tell that scumbag to go F-himself. He doesn't give a crap about you or your kid. If he did, where is he??? Banging someone else, that's where!

The guy is a liar and a snake. And when you realize that, maybe you won't feel so attracted to him. Wake up! Stop letting him control you. You are better than that!

Mel, if that's what's keeping me high, I can just ask BH to do all communications with OM when I'm not around and not to talk to me about it. BH tells me about their conversations (they get chatty, mainly because BH wants to get filled in on every second OM spends with OC), but I don't think I should hear about it anymore. Luckily all the court stuff is finally over so there's no reason to see OM.

Now that you said that, I'm starting to wonder if hearing all about OM from BH is the trigger. I didn't "feel" anything when I'd hear BH give me the rundown, but I think you're right that it's keeping OM on the forefront of my brain subconsciously.

You have missed my position completely. I never advocated any of this.


Do you take ANY blame? You seem overly focused on deflecting blame to him and I think that is because you don't comprehend the gravity of what you have done to him. You believe he is "all over" the affair and are back focused on yourself rather than helping him heal. No one ever suggested, least of all me, that you tolerate his AO's - I told you the opposite. Go back and read my posts.

But you seem oblivious to the damage you have caused this man, which shows a shocking lack of empathy.

I will tell you another thing that keeps your affair top of mind. It is coming here writing about how much you miss this loser. When you talk about it or write about it, you give life to the pig pen.

Have you considered getting coaching from the Harleys? They might be able to make a measurable difference in your marriage. I worry very much about your H, because he not only has ZERO support from his family [they have not been told the truth] but he has a wife who is oblivious to the nightmare that has been inflicted on him. I bet Steve Harley could be a tremendous help to him.

p.s. I can tell a big difference in your attitude since you and your H have opened up contact with the OM again. If it is triggering you this way, I can only imagine how it triggers him. Every time he speaks to loserboy HE is triggered. He can never get away from that, which undoubtably adds to his stress and anxiety.

THAT is why I think he needs to counsel with Steve Harley. He needs to talk to someone who has some empathy and can help him make rational decisions about this sitution. Steve can also put a quick lid on his angry outbursts and get your marriage back on the right track.

I do accept blame for my actions. I am not innocent of anything; I know this. And I'm not trying to deflect blame but to fix the issues that cause conflict in our M. My BH is an amazing man who I don't deserve. I tell him that every morning and every night before bed. And I'm not oblivious to the damage. But I also don't want to relive it. If I could rewrite history I would; but since I can't I'm trying to write out a better future--void of the A, void of the AOs, void of all the issues.

I mentioned a session with Steve a few months ago, but BH wasn't interested. But I will suggest it again. I do want him to heal, but I don't know how to if he's not showing me what's hurting. I have long been suggesting BH get on this forum, but he says, "What for? I'm happy. I'm over it. Why drudge it up?" We did eventually tell the family, and they were suprisingly supportive, but it was a one-time conversation and BH hasn't brought it up since, so neither does anyone else. He acts as if it never happened, going along his jolly way, and everyone else is going along with it too.

I truly am not trying to be insensitive or belittle what I did, but BH really doesn't ever bring it up or act like it even happened. If I'm giving the impression that I don't take blame, that's not how I feel at all. I repented (still do), I sought help (and still need it from time to time), and I am committed to purifying all parts of myself for BH...regardless of BH's AOs. I just want us both to continue to love each other better. But the A is in the past, and that seems to be where BH wants it and where I want to leave it too... which is maybe why I seem to disassociate it from the issues right now.

The purpose of coaching with Steve is not to "drudge it up." That is not what they do. He will help you recover your marriage and restore the love. This is about recovering your marriage from the damage done. That can't just be swept under the rug. That doesn't mean you discuss the affair, only that you focus on recovering the marriage. That has not happened. And I also think the direct contact with the OM is devastating to your marriage that you don't understand. It keeps you both triggered. It can't help but keep the OM top of mind.

Steve doesn't coach couples together anyway, so you wouldn't need your husband involved at first. Steve would tell you what to say to your H to get him on the phone - ALONE - with him.

It sounds worth a shot. If BH is in agreement, I think I should get on it asap. I'd really like for both of us to have that individual counseling anyways. I need to hear what I need to do to be the best wife I can be and eliminate my triggers. And if BH isn't sharing his pain with me, I'm sure Steve will be able to detect something amiss and can work through it in a way that I can't. I just wish counseling wasn't so $$. Money's often a point of contention.

Thanks, Mel. I really appreciate your advice and (sometimes brutal) honesty.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{wanthealing}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Even though you are not hearing the OM voice knowing your BH is talking to the OM is triggering you. BH should screen calls before anwsering OM calls in your presence in a way that you will not be aware that OM is on the phone.

I stumbled upon this verse last night, which supports everything everyone is telling me about controlling my thoughts. I shared it with BH and told him to keep me accountable to this:

Philippians 4:8 �Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.�

And I am going to suggest BH using txts with OM instead of calls. That way they will be short and to-the-point, and I don't have to know about them (since BH txts all the time and I never ask who he's txting anyways). I don't think we really need to know all about what OM does with his time.

One of the big reasons I am hoping you counsel with Steve Harley is so he can talk your husband out of having any communication with the OM. That is a bad idea that keeps him triggered. And apparently it keeps you triggered too.

It's highly doubtful that HE is committing all of the LBers and you are committing none. Which ones do you need to work on?

You cannot change someone else. Your best bet is to work on yourself and do MB yourself. You'd be surprised at how much can change when you begin focusing on your side of the fence.