MD,

I fully expected her to shut me down.... She started talking smack back and talked about meeting me etc... When confronted with it she said she had her suspicions it was me etc... And to be very honest, I have chosen to believe her,and I do.

I would say that your only fault here is that you did not set up to meet her at a Motel, all that you suspect would be confirmed.

God Bless
Gamma

Now wait, Gamma, she knew it was him!!

**edit**
For the record, this is my first marriage and we met while she was separated but yes still quite married.

A reminder to keep it respectful! It is ok to disagree but it is not ok to attack others.

I'm still curious as to why you're posting on the Divorcing/Divorced forum if you want to stay married?

Here's my take: walk, if she's adamant with that "idea".

I don't get the feeling that you want this situation. Which means, you're appeasing, or trying to in the hopes of saving your marraige. Look at my timline. That is what appeasment gets you....

If you have kids, Plan A the s..t out of her, then Plan B if necessary. If you don't have kids, the walk happens sooner...

And for the whole "she thought it was me" BS...wake up brother. What would you say if you got caught? Right or wrong, entrapment is a pretty accurate process.

I wish you the best with however it goes.

Another one bites the dust.

Seriously, first you were her OM, and now you are her BH, and you believe everything your WW told you. Seriously? You are being gaslighted here. What's even worse, you believe her so fully. I'd say "good luck" but the only way I see that happening is if you get a divorce.

I appreciate the time spent reading and offering advise on this, I really do. But divorce is not an option. And none of this is final. This was just a subject that came up as were discussing how things "could" look if we went down certain paths as we continue our lives together. I'm not saying it's what I want, I'm not saying it's what she wants. It came up and I thought I would get some insights as I had never heard of this kind of thing before.

She is actively in an affair. If you want to save this marriage.

1) SNOOP and COLLECT EVIDENCE; DO NOT LET HER KNOW ANYTHING!!!!
2) GO INTO PLAN A IMMEDIATELY - READ BASIC CONCEPTS
3) ONCE YOU HAVE A CONFIRMATION - EXPOSE WIDE AND FAR

Then come back to this forum to determine how your marriage can be saved.

Your marriage cannot be saved today - your wife is wayward and is most likely in an affair. Divorce is your only option today unless she wants to make it work. She has a less than 1% chance of changing and making this work with you.

Statistically - only 25% of affairages survive. You have a 75% chance of failure on this marriage.

She is the only thing that can put you into the 25% bracket and as of today she is making it crystal clear she plans to beat the living snot out you and abuse you in the worst possible way with her wayward behavior.

How do you plan to respond?

BTW....I understand you think divorce is not an option
guess what?

It is.

You work your way down the path and choose whether to continue in the marriage or not.

Your love bank (read up on it in basic concepts on this site) has a large balance in her account in your bank. That might have a few withdrawals over the coming months which change the way you make decisions about how to proceed.

Yes. The idea of "roommates" is another version of an in house "separation" ploy. It is usually proposed by a wayward wife so she can carry on an affair while enjoying all the comforts of home. They move into the guest room [some guys are fool enough to take the guest room for her] and conduct their affair from there. Calling themselves "separated" assuages their guilt about catting around and is reassuring to some men who have qualms about dating a married woman.

The purpose of roommates is not to facilitate the marriage but to facilitate an affair. But that has to be patently obvious.

First she said she knew it was you then get's upset because you "set her up".

Here's my 2cents
What you did was wrong.
What she did was MUCH WORSE
You said you've "reset the marriage". I'm taking that to mean the past is the past? If so, then why be "roommates"?

It sounds as if she's using the fact that you set her up as an excuse to get out of being committed to you (sexually or inappropriate internet chatting either one)

If things were "reset", you BOTH did something wrong - what reason would there be for being roommates? If your not going to divorce over her dishonesty and willingness to chat with other guys then you need marriage counseling. The only reason for a roommate situation would be to excuse her guilt in chatting with someone else. How would that make you feel if she did that? What other reason is there to seperate?

Your either together or your not. That piece of paper does not mean you must stay married forever. It means you've committed to each other and each other only. If your not committed then your as good as divorced in gods eyes also. God doesn't see the piece of paper as he does the commitment of marriage.

so I suppose my opinion on the roommate thing is it's very immature and a way out of guilt for doing something inappropriate.

Actually, God sees the COVENANT of marriage not the commitment of marriage. Even if "feelings" aren't there, you are still married in the eyes of God...right?

I'm afraid I completely disagree with this statement leann. That almost sounds like something my WW would say.

MD,
I've been following along for some reason and I have to say I find it interesting you've chosen this particular shred to respond to. You have some very very good, practical, and hard-evidenced material above to help you understand your situation. (which was FREE, I might add). I hope you've at least considered some of the very cogent points and valuable advice.
Please keep in mind that while all this might be new to you, it isn't to us - we've seen it before, heard it before, and in most cases (unfortunately) lived it [I remember when my now ex moved into the "guest room"]...

opt

Where in scripture does it say that?

I so agree with this. You have provided us no useful information to help you out. You shouldn't have put any question mark on your post because I don't think you're open to discuss your issue. I don't you know which site you are at and what site is all about.

Yep.

The problem here is that it sounds like your wife is breaking the covenant. Or at least planning to.

You know, I thought divorce was not an option, too. That mind-set left me enduring years and years of emotional and verbal abuse. My children are forever scarred.

The divorce was final in March.

She may say that her proposed arrangement will exclude sex but, it will only exclude sex with you. Believe me. It sounds like she isn't really interested in marriage in the traditional, let alone, religious sense. This scenario you describe has more in common with "open" marriages, i.e. swinging except, she isn't being "open" with you about it.

.....then isn't she still married to Husband #1?
The eyes of God doesn't recognize a human/paper divorce, right?