My wife stated the she needed some space approx 2 months ago. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I was unable to. She stayed with some friends this weekend and came home in a good mood. As usual, I pressed the issue regarding our future together. She stated the the marriage isn't going to work and we are better off as friends. Her reasoning is that we can't communicate and we are never going to be able to. We are both very stubborn people which has never helped. We have been married for nearly 12 years with 3 kids. The negativity in our relationship is starting to effect our kids. I have continued to push the issue with her because I wanted it resolved. She keeps everything inside and has refused to discuss any issues with me. We went to counseling once and she refused to return because she wasn't ready. I know that my begging and pleading with her has done more harm than good. She tells me that she does love me and would like to ways be friends no matter what. I feel as though I am being punished for her past relationship issues which I have no control over. He ex was very controlling and made her loose all of her friends. Now she wants to relive that life. I understand her needing her personal.space but I also understand that out family should be our first priority. I do not want to lose her but I am afraid it is too late. All she says now is that I need to deal.with the reality that our marriage will never work.

This behavior smells like an affair. Move this to the Surviving an Affair forum where you can advice that will save your marriage.

1) The first thing you will need to do is look at the Operation Investigate to find spy tactics. With her out of the house you may also need a PI or you may need friends to help you snoop at all hours of the day.

Go to the SAA forum to begin saving your marriage.

Hi Mark, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I agree with ITL - this has a lot of the earmarks of an affair to it.

One thing you should know is that "Divorce = Still Friends" is largely a myth.

While the veterans gather and start responding to your post, I'd strongly urge you to read as many of the articles on this site to become familiar with the concepts and terminology. In particular, I'd read up on the Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Plan A & Plan B, the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and Radical Honesty. You can start by clicking on the links in the yellow, red-lined box to the right, labeled "Most Popular Links."

There was an emotional affair back in June. I flipped when I found out. She stated that it was only a friendship and meant nothing. I am 99% sure it has ended. The password lock on her phone makes it tough to be sure. I have access to everything but her phone. She swears that there is no one else involved, she is doing this for her sanity and for our kids.

Move this to SAA immediately. You need top notch advice from the vets ASAP. The Emotional Affair = EA is likely physical and she moved out to keep it going.

Can a moderator please move this to the appropriate forum.

The EA more than likely went underground after your discovery, and is now a PA. Can you get a GPS unit and put it on her car? Also get a VAR and hide it in the car. She'll more than likely be talking to her AP in the 'privacy' of her car while she's driving 'alone'.

I will try the var. At this point I don't know if it really matters. I need to justet it go for my own sanity. I know she is lying to me but I am.going to make must insane trying to get her to admit to it.

The more I think about, the more I realize I just need to let it go. She started the EA for a reason. After I found out her initial reaction was to deny even knowing who the person was. She is yet to apologize for any of it. She just wanted to be friends nothing more. According to her I don't allow her to have friends. God forbid she concentrate on her family. She may not be talking with the same guy but there is someone else. The other day I was using her I-pad and noticed the history. According the her the kids must have been looking for hotel and dining locations for the weekend, not her. The continued lies and b.s. tells me what I need to do. No wonder she just got a boob job. I give up, time to move on a find a woman that actually appreciates me. I hate to do it to the kids, but I will always be there for them.

Mark, it is absolutely within your rights to refuse to remain in a marriage with an adulterer. No one will fault you for choosing to remove yourself from this madness. But please do so knowing a few things:

Your marriage is more than likely recoverable, using the tools on this site to kill the A and rebuild the marriage.

Your children will pay a big price for this decision to end the M. I know you'll want to protect them and will care for them, but it is a price that comes from divorce. You can't shield them from the emotional fallout of a divorce.

Are you sure you want to end the M? Have you read the articles on this site? Your WW is behaving in typical wayward fashion. She's done nothing that is unusual for a foggy wayward. We've seen many such cases that were able to recover. I suspect that she is with the same guy she was with in June. If that is the case, this affair is fairly young and not as entrenched as some that we've seen here.

Your chance to end the A and recover the M seems good to me. Your call, though.

Sorry you are here.

When I discovered my Ex WW's affair, I immediately wanted to divorce. Then I changed my mind.

After I put up the good fight for 8 months, I finally gave up.

It's YOUR choice whether you want to TRY to save it.

In any event, you need to gather evidence to prove the affair. Keylogger, VAR, PI. Become a bloodhound. Don't tell her stuff like, "I read your email!" Keep that stuff a secret and keep investigating. And be prepared for the worst.

Then you need to LAWYER UP and let her know you mean business. If she wants to cheat on you and divorce you then hell no you're not going to be friends! She's in La La Land and she thinks she can bang some dude and still have a lovely friendship with you "for the kids sake."

Protect your money as best you can, spend time with the kids, and know she will lie to you every chance she gets.

I want nothing more than for our marriage to succeed. I love my wife more than anything. All I want is to have a happy, meaningful relationship with her. She refuses to let me do that. I am always there for her and the kids. My family is the most important thing in the world to me. My parents got divorced when I was young and I swore to never make my kids go through that. She is so stubborn that I don't think it will ever change. I want to believe there is nothing going on but I can't ignore the mountain of evidence.

Go thru the paces of the MB method first. You say it above you want nothing more than the marriage to succeed.

Dont let past issues with prior husbands be her excuse.

Her fog is thick.

Listen to the advice of the others who'll follow me and once you've gone thru all the steps, you know you can face those kids safe in the knowledge you did everything you could to keep daddy and mommy together. They will know of mommy's selfishness.

The prospect of losing it all really should be enough, but maybe not for some.

Good luck.

Of course she refuses to let you meet her emotional needs. She is letting the Other Man (OM) do that! This is why the first step in recovering your marriage is to drive a stake into the heart of the affair! This site and this forum will help you do that.

After you have read the articles here (and I also suggest you get a copy of the book, Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.) you will have a plan to destroy the affair and recover your marriage.

In essence, there are two phases. The first is called Plan A, which comprises both a "carrot and stick:" The carrot is you showing your WW how and why you are the better choice for your WW. The stick part is exposing the affair far and wide to friends and relatives (is OM married? His wife/girlfriend should be enlisted) - and to co-workers if they work together.

Exposing an affair is just like shining daylight on a vampire. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and are fed by the illicit nature of the crime. Thus, when it is exposed, it withers and dies (most affairs collapse under their own weight within six months to two years, anyway).

But there is an emotional toll on the betrayed spouse (BS). It's very difficult to be loving and perfect when having to live with the knowledge that their partner is engaged in abhorrent behavior on a daily basis. That is why the second phase, called Plan B, is executed.

Plan B is the removal by the BS of any contact with the WW. There is a letter given to the WW with instructions on how to return to the marriage, which include a No Contact letter, permanent no contact with the affair partner, and other conditions that include agreement on how to build an affair-proof marriage. These conditions are all spelled out here and in Dr. Harley's books.

The things that work against recovery are those things that many people think are "right and proper:" keeping silent about the affair ("we don't air our dirty laundry in public"), denial, anger, revenge, being a doormat, and so on.

Sadly, there are few marriage manuals, and no one is required to learn how to be married before becoming a husband or wife. But Dr. Harley has been building and recovering marriages for the better part of 40 years, and so his work should be the "textbooks" for healthy, happy, loving marriages.

Good. Then suit up, Mark. It's work, but it's worth it.

Like Mike said, you're going to need to do some industrial-strength snooping to find out who this hound dog is. (My apology to all hound dogs of the canine variety.)

Do they work together? Is he married? Who is this guy? You're going to need to gather intel and work toward the one thing that will help most in killing the affair: exposure.

How do you suspect they are in contact? Slap a keylogger on the computer. You can put spyware on her phone if you can find it. It will more than likely be very near her, so check her handbag when she's not looking. Check her car.

Slap a GPS unit on the car and the VAR. Do this quickly.

Your first goal is to snoop to identify the guy. Bring what you find out back here and we'll help you determine your next steps.

Say nothing to her about snooping, or about this site! If you do find something, come here to vent about it - don't tip your hand to her that you know anything! This will drive her further underground. Waywards can be very crafty.

Don't try to appeal to her sense of morality or fair play. A wayward's moral compass is completely out of whack, and their sense of fair play extends only to what they want. You cannot reason with a wayward. Don't threaten to expose the affair - that will drive her underground and will give her time to plan a counter-strike. There can be no warning of what you're doing, Mark.

You can do this! Are you ready to get to work?

Click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
It's an outline for a quick start to Plan A.

I know who the first guy is, he was a POS I hired to do some work on our new house. I forwarded everything to his wife and all of my wife's friends so everyone knew what was going on. I know the initial email account used by him for the majority of the contact has been deleted. I figured out her old password lock on her phone and the last time I checked there was nothing there. Since then she has changed the password again so I have no idea what is going on. I know she carries the thing around constantly which is completely opposite of what she did previously. I have no access to her phone records, it is through her work. I want to trust her but it is probably too late. She asked for her space and I refused to let it happen.

I am sorry but she is having an affair, The first thing you must do is quietly get the evidence and come back here. Dont ask her or tell her. Just get the goods and come back here and we will help you with next steps.

The last thing you should do at this point is trust her. She is wayward. By definition she is not worthy of your trust. And you should never have completely trusted her in the first place. We're all wired for affairs. Your WW took that extra step and lost her sense of boundaries with the opposite sex. After that it was just a short jump to finding an opportunity to proceed with an affair. That requires 'space' which is wayward-speak for "give me some space so I can hide my adulterous behavior from you." It wouldn't occur to a faithful spouse to ask for 'space'.

She's hiding something. And she's carrying it around constantly because she's figured out that you're on to her. You busted her EA once - she's making sure that doesn't happen again.

MarkA - FWIW - my WW used her cellphone for her affair, especially after I exposed it. I had access to her email account, but could never get to the phone. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, it is. The other posters are right IMHO.