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On a Monday night date with FWW last night, she asked me if I was happy and I said yes, and I asked her and she said yes.

I thought then it'd be appropriate to move my thread here, but I simply started this new one since we are In Recovery.

I have been incredibly introspective over the past 3 and change months. If I had a better grasp of the written word, I be able to describe things better but I will do my best. When up against some of your thoughts Ive seen in written form, my city college education cannot compete. But, nonetheless, I have a ton going on in my head.

I start my new thread with the question I had last night after my date with FWW, does anyone really recover from being betrayed in the manner we BS have?

I kept the question to myself as its rhetorical. I think.

I still love my wife. That never changed but there is this thing that will be there hanging over us. Maybe that thing gets less and less a part of our life until its no big thing.

As we sat last night over sushi and she asked me if I was happy I thought again how lucky my story is compared to most BH I read about. My wife started to rebuild our marriage about 5 minutes after I learned of her A. And, she hasnt stopped rebuilding since. No investigating, no following, none of that. Lucky. Only compensation in all its forms. I have been giving her a lot of what she says she wanted from me.

I talk more about the compensation she has made to me in later posts.

So, yes, I think one can recover from a spouse's extra marital affair. If youre happy, then youre recovering.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Mike,

Good for you and your wife! There will be rocks in the road ahead, but if you both follow the mb plan you will find success.

As for the question "Do you think anyone ever recovers from betrayal"? Personally I think yes. I think it depends in large amounts to the wayward spouse and whether or not they show just compensation for what they did along with setting a plan and following it. Another key factor I believe is that they don't trickle truth-they just are radically honest about everything.

I too was in your boat but I was continually lied to during recovery. There is no way to recover a marriage when that happens. If she would've been radically open and honest and followed the plan I know eventually we would've been ok.

It sounds like you are a changed person who will meet your w EN's and she is doing the same. Good to hear and I only wish you the best. Keep us posted. Nice to hear success stories!!!


Me-BH-39
WW-34 (Strugglingaz)
Married 7-dated 3 previous
D-10
D-6
1st D-day-2-26-11 2nd D-day-5-17-11
NC-3-9-11---Broke 4-2-11, 4-8-11-,5-16-11 Maybe more
BH-Filed for D-5-17-2011
Divorced 2-21-2012
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IS's story is like many too I read.

Sure we are linked because of the betrayal we experienced, but dday snapped my wife out of a whatever she says she was gripped by.

And IS and others have not been so lucky.

I try to give pep talks and whatever advice I can muster to these guys because of our shared stories, but since I didnt have the nightmare of withdrawal and other things these other guys are faced with post dday, Im feel not qualified to advise.

Anyway, I hope some newbies take time to read my other thread because I do go thru a lot of the emotional stuff they are facing and it may give some hope.

mss


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MSS, not to get all bro-huggy, but reading your posts to T2S on his thread has been
....gratifying.....to someone who watched you dig yourself out since May!

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I hope anyone who happens to fall into a situation such as ours is able to come across MB and the forum and be as benefitted from it as I have been.

I have been to the psychologist and marriage counselor and can say they dont have a clue when it comes to infidelity and survival of it.

A few days with the people here will get you on target to save your marriage or any variation thereof. But, you'll regain control of your life.

What a cheating spouse takes away is any regularity and normalness in your thought process. You lose control of your life.

Once you get that back, you can do anything.


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Thought of the day:

A wife making up for wasted time is a good thing.--

mss
Summer 2011


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Lemme guess - an extra hearty breakfast?????

Because there's only two things that males would exult about: food and........oh, dear!

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Yes. Breakfast sessions are good for the soul.

Id recommend them to anyone.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
What a cheating spouse takes away is any regularity and normalness in your thought process.



Ain't that the truth?


I was on the edge of multiple personality disorder for a bit there.

Whew.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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But what WS do to themselves is worse.

(Thats a mind trick I recommend to the BS.)


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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
But what WS do to themselves is worse.

(Thats a mind trick I recommend to the BS.)


Please explain what you mean.....I need to know.....my WW doesn't live in the home and won't even talk to me after exposure.

PS: I'm VERY envious of your recovery!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Its really just convincing YOURSELF that the WS will have to live with the burden of their adultery and the associated shame, hurt, embarassment, family issues, and all the rest of it for the rest of their life.

While us, the BS', get to live with...well, basically, all that but it wasnt us doing the cheating. Simplistic, I know, but the relationship my wife had with her guy wasnt very deep.

Bill, as I read others' threads, I feel for those whose adulterous spouses cannot pull themselves out of the fog despite going thru the MB motions. My wife, thankfully and insanely, was appartently stuck in her A and it took a moronic OM to get her out of it. No guy should learn of their wife being stuck in a relationship with another guy. Stuck. Complacent. Lazy. Stupid. My wife.

If you have the time please read my story over in SAA section. If it gives anyone hope, maybe this crap sandwich Ive been eating for amost 4 months will have some upside to it.

It aint roses and champaign over here all the time. Im still on the ride and my lows maybe just dont go as low as they once did.

I still fight the need to unload an unholy AO on her, but THAT urge is also getting way less and less. Almost non-existant. When I feel the simmer get hotter I take a walk or a ride in the car just like a day after dday. Still works.

Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 08/25/11 06:54 PM.

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It really helps when your FWW is 'standing on her head' to make things right.

I wish this for everyone.


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Thought of the Day:

It's possible to rescue a WS from an A. I think some get engrossed in it and over time cannot get themselves out. Stuck is what she called it. Someone stuck in something is usually anxious to get out but arent sure or too scared to get out.

The basis on my recovery.


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I think I can recreate the thought stream that got you there - starting with the thread by MM. As soon as I started orienting his description of his situation, it was obvious that you, and HFD (who I just "popped a flare" for) would be ideal candidates to get him started.

Do you remember on the other thread when I somewhat arrogantly placed you and HFD in the group whose WW had had an affair in which there appeared to be little or no EA to accompany the PA? I hope MM can get to a place someday in which he can appreciate that statement for his WW (and honestly, at D-day +2 would you even have cared?).

BUT, when the PA is at least "acceptable", and an escorting EA is strong - well, there tends to be no chance of rescuing the WW from the mudhole she is intent on wallowing in. MM may someday see how comparatively well positioned his situation actually is, if he can be the "hero" that one of our female colleagues suggested he be. You were.

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I posted on another BHs thread a note about the famous 'get out of jail free card'.

Let me say I'm in a now very rare rough patch. It started last nite and I've been in a low place all day today. The family went to a neighbor and I'm home as I'm not in a sociable way right now. No real reason, just a touch of anxiety.

The card is something I actually value. It's something that says to her that she did unspeakable things to me and the kids and although we,re cool now and for the foreseeable future I have options.

It makes me less vulnerable. Not that I fear anything of her.

I remember as I struggled with her over my lack of SF over the years how I would threaten her that I'm not going to beg her for sex for ever. And I'd swear to myself when my younger kid goes to college, I'm out.

Now I have an out. I got the permission to go at my Discretion on may 8th.

I having a bad day. Did I mention?


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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
I posted on another BHs thread a note about the famous 'get out of jail free card'.

Let me say I'm in a now very rare rough patch. It started last nite and I've been in a low place all day today. The family went to a neighbor and I'm home as I'm not in a sociable way right now. No real reason, just a touch of anxiety.

The card is something I actually value. It's something that says to her that she did unspeakable things to me and the kids and although we,re cool now and for the foreseeable future I have options.

It makes me less vulnerable. Not that I fear anything of her.

I remember as I struggled with her over my lack of SF over the years how I would threaten her that I'm not going to beg her for sex for ever. And I'd swear to myself when my younger kid goes to college, I'm out.

Now I have an out. I got the permission to go at my Discretion on may 8th.

I having a bad day. Did I mention?


Hang in there buddy! These get more rare.


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


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On Sat I had a rare few moments of alone time with my wife.

I initiated intimacy like usual and I tried something a bit more adventurous in bed than we've done in the past.

I will say here that it was something I HAVE TO BELIEVE most couples do and nothing that would be against the law anywhere. But something she and I have rarely, if ever, have done.

It was nice and she didnt complain or say one word about it.

I went out to pickup dinner and i sent her a text thanking her as I alway did and then I told her I like to think that what we did was something only she and I share. She knew exactly what I meant. She quickly replied, definitely "only you".

Even tho' her response was want I wanted, this set off my crappy mood for the weekend.

Cant explain it.


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Ive said this before too, she cannot win.

She has been a different person in all aspects of life since dday and probably the wife any guy would want.

But, theres no denying she is tainted and Im doing all I can to get passed it.

I cant even imagine what things would be like if I had to do all the investigating and chasing some BS are doing.

I think the answer is I would NOT have done any of that. I would have said bye and good luck with all that.

Im a believer in the saying "life is too short". This applies to many things. And marriage, after infidelity, is certainly applicable. If your WS is not onboard after being caught, then the life is too short motto may fit.

Factoring in children is difficult with the LITS thought. Ill admit.

I always come back to 'did she give one thought to me or the kids during a long term affair?'. I say no.

I think she actually lived the term "life is too short" for the past 7 years and carried on what she carried on.


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Quote:
I having a bad day. Did I mention?
{{{Mike}}} I understand the bad days and the anxiety. Man, I hated those days! frown

I don't have them anymore. I'm just saying that to give you something to look forward to. smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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