Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 48 1 2 3 4 5 47 48
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
He should die a fiery death. Sorry. He's got a 2 yr old and thats not nice.

Oh, don't get all "humanistic" on us, MSS! Trust me when I tell you that a dead OM, all things considered, IS very nice!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
He should die a fiery death. Sorry.
I think all the vets/survivors here would respectfully remain silent and look the other way about this comment. smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
He should die a fiery death. Sorry.
I think all the vets/survivors here would respectfully remain silent and look the other way about this comment. smile



Nothing to look the other way for.

Wishing someone would drop dead, or be dead, was dead, is just a vent.

A standard vent by someone that got screwed over by an evil doer.

A vent that has been said in countless books, stories, movies, plays.

Saying those words does not imply actual "dead" is required or wanted but said due to a loss for words and or to show the depth of pain that the evil behavior deserve or both.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Mike, buddy... I disagree.

He shouldn't die a fiery death...

He should die slowly and horribly of gonorrhea - or live a life of permanent disfigurement and uselessness due to overgrowth of genital warts.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Originally Posted By: TheRoad
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
He should die a fiery death. Sorry.
I think all the vets/survivors here would respectfully remain silent and look the other way about this comment. smile



Nothing to look the other way for.

Wishing someone would drop dead, or be dead, was dead, is just a vent.

A standard vent by someone that got screwed over by an evil doer.

A vent that has been said in countless books, stories, movies, plays.

Saying those words does not imply actual "dead" is required or wanted but said due to a loss for words and or to show the depth of pain that the evil behavior deserve or both.



I d rather say something as senseless and hurtful here rather than at my wife.

But she feels the same.

No offense to anyone here by it.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
You're right, as usual, MB, about what "most" folks "would" do. Pity, isn't it, that "most" modern humans care more about being judged by others as being too "rigorous" than about speaking what is exactly in their hearts/minds, even when it's an idle preference - not to be acted on - on an anonymous communication thread. We generally have been that "neutered" by public opinion. I have not.

(Are you trying to "moderate" me, Marital? grin)

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I think what MB meant is that she would not OBJECT to that statement and would look the other way. For me, I would volunteer to drive the getaway truck and loan out my sawed off shotgun! But, thats just me.... laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
I think what MB meant is that she would not OBJECT to that statement and would look the other way. For me, I would volunteer to drive the getaway truck and loan out my sawed off shotgun! But, thats just me.... laugh
That is EXACTLY what I meant! Who am I, to question the karma bus when it rolls into town? grin


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
You're right, as usual, MB, about what "most" folks "would" do. Pity, isn't it, that "most" modern humans care more about being judged by others as being too "rigorous" than about speaking what is exactly in their hearts/minds, even when it's an idle preference - not to be acted on - on an anonymous communication thread. We generally have been that "neutered" by public opinion. I have not.

(Are you trying to "moderate" me, Marital? grin)
NG, if I were a moderator I'd get too big a kick out of your posts to moderate you! smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Big "WHEW" from here, ladies.

I do apologize for misinterpreting the slant of your comment, MB.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Awesome if only in my dreams.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
Big "WHEW" from here, ladies.

I do apologize for misinterpreting the slant of your comment, MB.
Heck, I'll clean up the gun before Mel gets it back! grin

You DO remember my desperate desire to rip every shred of hair out of every last follicle on OW's head, and then hand it to my FWH to stroke, do you not?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
No brakes on the this coaster lately.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Thought for the WEEK:

Do not ask me what Im thinking if you really dont want to know.


She asked this last night. I told her "nothing". Then I realized I wasnt being open and honest. So I told her I have trouble at times with the "whole thing" and I have difficulty being happy times. I hide it from her and kids as much as possible but I get sad, I told her.

She didnt say a word, as usual. I was calm in a conversational voice.

I then told her that I dont like the person she used to be. She said quickly 'me neither'. I went on to say that person was beyond cruel to so many innocent people and for so long its almost inconceivable. I told her she is completely changed from that person in dozens ways but she is only 4 months removed from being that person. I told her I fight this notion every day.



Im just under 4 months from dday and I promised myself I would try my hardest to make this work for a year minimum before I made any life decisions. I think my kids deserve me to try this. And I feel sad for her if her depiction of the last bunch of years is the truth. So Im here and doing my best.

But, I get sad at times. I wish I knew more about her mindset during the A. It always come back to "what the f--- were you thing?". I know Ive said to others several times that adulterers do little thinking but being fogged out for as long as she was makes her look pathetic.

And, thats another thing: all this makes her look terrible, if only I and the AP know all the details. Do I want to be with someone who IN MY EYES, at least, has such a thing over her head? I am now supposed to rehabilitate her into a human being capable of making decisions that dont ruin the lives of everyone around her? I dont remember signing on to this when we got married. For better of for worse (if those words were even said, I dont remember), my butt.

Need pull myself together and get back into the groove with her. Just a temporary lull in the recovery action.

Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 09/05/11 08:49 PM.

Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 721
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 721
Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
Thought for the WEEK:

But, I get sad at times. I wish I knew more about her mindset during the A. It always come back to "what the f--- were you thing?". I know Ive said to others several times that adulterers do little thinking but being fogged out for as long as she was makes her look pathetic.

And, thats another thing: all this makes her look terrible, if only I and the AP know all the details. Do I want to be with someone who IN MY EYES, at least, has such a thing over her head? I am now supposed to rehabilitate her into a human being capable of making decisions that dont ruin the lives of everyone around her? I dont remember signing on to this when we got married. For better of for worse (if those words were even said, I dont remember), my butt.



just a lull . technically monday tomorrow.

i wrote 18 questions i mean like what were you thinking and how would it be different and similar to your thoughts above, i finally got all of them answered. and if he agrees i will post some of them.

i hope it will help.

but that aside mikesmile having a bad day, you are allowed. kids have school tomorrow and it back to the new normal that you dont know yet, so get some rest and get up tomorrow and start again.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
I have a list of over 30 questions Id like answered.

Im not telling her of the list or giving it to her.

Its so odd to have questions but not want them answered.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Mike,

I hear you about being sad, I think all BS's go through that, I am almost 2 years out and still have days when the sadness takes over........I try to hide most of it as well, but when I am asked I answer honestly.........
I gave myself a year at first as well, because of the same reasons you have given...I thought my family deserved me being an adult and at least trying to keep us together, even though my husband didn't seem to think it was important, I couldn't conduct myself like he had for their sakes.....
Over time the fog has lifted completed and regret and remorse has come to the forefront.........and the sad days now are fewer and fewer and the happiness of the new and improved relationship is what I can now think about, it is a long process and you are doing a great job considering your time line into discovery, you should be proud of yourself........
I had a list of questions for the last 2 years and I have asked them, calmly and after receiving the answer let them go, of course there was sadness when I learned more, but I could stop wondering.......
Mike I think you are really early in, at first I used the list of questions on paper and he would answer on paper as well, it was easier........he started to understand the being open and honest concept but it took him a while, it takes all WS's a while to get straight again with reality..........
when I felt low and like I wanted to give up I remembered what my therapist said to me about making a choice for myself to stay in this marriage and just like every other decision I make about my life I had to give it my all for myself not anyone else..........I took control of that thought and went all in and it has lessened the burden I felt about the situation..........
I looked after myself and my terms on my schedule............I made my life in this situation as good as it could be, I love my husband and my family with all my heart and took my chances.........that is who I am and what drives my happiness, I just said that without that effort I would live in doubt and fear and that is not a life for me........or you..............
This is for you Mike........
jessi

Last edited by jessitaylor; 09/06/11 08:28 AM.

BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
I'm mulling the same thing, brother....some days yes, some days...just want to move on, not a 'sweep it under the rug' move on, just a 'want to heal, working MB principles is AWESOME and WORKING' moving on, KWIM???

(and, will admit, some...pity? for my W -- been through enough, really want to regurgitate it all?)

thanks.

Last edited by helpfordad; 09/06/11 08:57 AM.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote:
And, thats another thing: all this makes her look terrible, if only I and the AP know all the details. Do I want to be with someone who IN MY EYES, at least, has such a thing over her head? I am now supposed to rehabilitate her into a human being capable of making decisions that dont ruin the lives of everyone around her? I dont remember signing on to this when we got married. For better of for worse (if those words were even said, I dont remember), my butt.
I thought a lot about that in the early days of recovery. Then one day I looked at my H and was overwhelmed by an emotion that was foreign to me at the time: compassion. I felt so sorry for him! I felt so sorry that he would have to live with the memory of his terrible actions for the rest of his life. I looked into his eyes and saw the deep pain that reached to his soul. This man, who had always been full of integrity and honesty. My heart broke for the pain I knew he was going through. Pretty funny for a BS to feel that way, huh? But that's when I knew I had turned a corner in my personal healing. And that's when I knew that I truly loved that man, in spite of the terrible days when he had been an alien.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
Well said, here Marital...exactly how I'm feeling as well...a great deal of compassion, a desire to care and help W mend, heal from the burden she will have to carry for her lifetime...

Thanks.

Page 3 of 48 1 2 3 4 5 47 48

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 18 guests, and 68 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,562
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5