I found a link written by several posters that describes what the wayward spouse is thinking or not thinking during an affair...does anyone know where i would find that....it wasnt satiracle it was real thoughts and feelings

Do you mean this one?

Inside the Wayward Mind

Most of these posts can be found in the Announcements/Important Information Forum under the "Notable Posts/Threads" section.

What they are thinking is foggy and is about as relevant as the "thoughts" of a falling down drunk who is high on booze.

What they are thinking is foggy and is about as relevant as the "thoughts" of a falling down drunk who is high on booze.

Agreed, when considering the "thoughts" of waywards as expressions of reality. But it is of some value to understand the machinations that waywards go through in justifying and grounding their own illicit actions, if only to better refute and correct them. Admittedly, this is likely only applicable during a "recovery" action under the aegis of O & H.

Stretch123 is fighting that battle now with his WW, and from his recent posts, it seems that his careful refutations of her "foggy" imaginings may actually be getting through to her.

In my own case my WW vehemently maintained that I had been more absent from home in the year before she strayed than in the years immediately preceeding. It was only when I gave her serious proof of the fallacy of that belief that she began to understand that it was not my absence that had increased, but her need for my presence.

On the principle that knowledge is power, then, it would appear self-evident that knowing what one's WS is "thinking" would be of great value in changing/correcting it. Sun-tsu must have had something to say about that.........

(Or maybe George Carlin?)

That was not what i was looking for there were two posts that i was thinking of one seemed like multiple posters and they were the wayward spouse talking about what was going on during their affair. I remember it was a format of question from bs and answer from the ws. This was from the vantage point of recovery and was a very good post, at least for myself.
The other post was a letter written from the other woman about how much havoc she made and was sorry and how no matter what things were not going to work out.....

Why are you starting a new thread when you have plenty to answer to on your existing thread. Any news about exposing yet?

Just in case you can't find your thread here is your link

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164325&Number=2537097#Post2537097

Is it true the deeper they are in fogbabble to more likely they still have love for their spouse?

My girlfriend said if they are indifferent and can be honest with the BS then they really don't have any love. The deeper the fog means the more they internally are struggling with the love they have for the BS.

It is a struggle with long term love and romantic love. Both love is present at the same time and they both conflict with each other.

Trying, it is real important to not get distracted by fog babble. What is important T the future of your marriage is what YOU are thinking. What is important is YOUR agenda. I wouldn't get distracted by trying to find out what she is thinking because that is a distraction from taking effective action to save your marriage. You won't find a plan to save your marriage in her foggy thinking.

so this is my plan
exposure, which is done......made her evil mad and accuse me of putting her friends in a bad place


now plan a
being the best husband i can possibly be, trying to feel good and be happy while trying to meet any emotional needs i possibly can and using a shotgun approach to emotional needs and filling every darn one i possibly can.....being the best father i possibly can planning on taking the kids places and doing things and inviting her to come with us.....if she doesnt want to then go alone

do this for another 4-5mts

plan for plan b


dealing with her has been difficult i really have to controll my anger
it sometimes makes its way out

i have saa and lovebusters which i am working on and his neeeds her needs for parents which i havent gotten to yet...


she has told me multiple times that she wants a divorce and has already met with an attorney.....i just keep saying i dont want a divorce, its going to be bad for the kids and its not going to be as nice as you think....her attorney said fees for divorce range from 40k to 200k.......my jaw dropped, i think that is to keep me from litigating it........i live in a no fault state..........
she frequently is using rage from my previous affair as the reason i am f ed up

how do you contact the harleys.....

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thank you marcos
I assume from my reading that plan a is done while the a is going on..... If she has already started the ball rolling with the lawyers should i pare down my time frame.
I would assume that a divorce will take4-6 mts..... so what do you think is the best course of action

Did you complete your exposures? The last I checked, you had not exposed to the OWs employer and other key exposure targets. Of course exposure made her angry, you surely expected that. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs. Exposure always makes them mad, that is good.

I did expose to everyone i could get a hold of 2 people contacted her and she has written them off as friends, because they would not go along with her ideas of what she wanted in life. The third just said i see where u are coming from....have you thought this through? And you know that when you let him go there will be women all over him.....This is my wife telling me what her friend said to her. And it didnt phase her. She seems to be getting more cold in her stance in what she wants.. She wants to go back to school which i have been supportive of and am trying to meet any emotional needs possible especially conversation which is something we werent so good at.
She says she in another "relationship" and that it is not right for us to be married, to which i just fog back that i dont want a divorce!!!!
She has told me repeatedly that she wants me to be that boy from 20 years ago that plays softball and hangs with his friends then comes and kisses her in the bleachers then runs back to her friends....
what the hell is that about?

delayed childhood!

yeah thats what i was thinking but i am now older and maturer and have responsibilities.....i am not the carefree let it fly person that i was 20 years ago....i have lots of people who rely on me to be a functioning member of life

none of us are hun, it really seems that she is off on her own little fantasy.

That boy who kissed her on the bleachers is still there, he can come out to play sometimes, but he also has to be a grown up too. Does she still want to be a full time teen? Sorry not possible!!

Such games have a place, but not full time, as you said you have responsibilities and are a grown up.

Thank you for your post Tanam.....
I am just at such a loss, i feel like i have lost my best friend.
I am a good man! I am a good person! I am a good father! but i will admit I could be a better husband......she has really got me second guessing myself...
I can conciously see that she is in fantasy land....
But I am so damn emotional, i need to controll it.
I think i am doing a much better job in front of her, but then go to work and stay on this site all day, never have i done so much reading in my life.

Ha ha I know that feeling. I spent many work hours here too. But that will lessen.

It takes time, listen to the vets, breathe, eat and exercise, not sure of your timeline, but by working on you you make and keep yourself strong.

My experiences have made me strong, more in control and in a place where whatever happens, I will be fine.

That didn't happen overnight tho. Look at how you can be a better husband, talk to her about what she would like to do/go to/eat. Keep things easy....

AND THEN DO WHAT THE VETS TELL YOU TO DO!

IN THE ORDER THEY TELL YOU TO DO IT!

WHATEVER HAPPENS, THAT WAY YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS THE OTHERSIDE WITH YOUR HEALTH.

Honest hun, you are not helping by trying to wriggle, Plan A - Carrot and stick - link on Peps posts.

DO IT - then you can schedule in a pity party.....AFTERWARDS