Hi folks,

I'm a former browser and occasional poster who now has need of you all. Been married 12 years, 3 kids B-11/B-8/G-5. We've had our ups and downs but a lot of good times too. In January my W got a new job. Shortly thereafter she changed her diet, lost a lot of weight (she wasn' heavy beforehand)and looks amazing. She had mentioned this guy at work (Scott)who dresses great and has great hair. Shortly after she started her new job she started going out every weekend drinking and partying with "friends" while I stayed home with the kids. She also started wearing hot V.S. underwear/bras to work every day. She used to wear that stuff for me for sf but hasn't since she started the new job. About a month ago I discovered she had gone on the pill in June without telling me. I also found out she had met on a Saturday in our house with Scott to celebrate his birthday. She had gone and bought a sexy, tight NY Yankes t-shirt (he likes the Yankees) and also wore hot black V.S. panties and bra for the "celebration" while I was at Scout camp with the boys and she had pawned off our daughter on her sister for 5 hours. I confronted her about all of this and of course she denied everything (except that he was in the house but she said nothing happened). In fact she was chomping at the bit with her "reasons" for everything. She was far too ready with answers as cheaters are. In fact of course she turned everything back on me that all our problems are my fault and that she's been unhappy for 2 years (never told me that but apparently told everyone in her network including Scott). To me things were tough but as manageable as life can be with three young kids. She also went to a "seminar" on a Friday with him though their jobs have nothing to do with each other. They drove down together and stayed overnight and came back Saturday. I've been to enough classes and seminars to know that they all end early on Friday so people can get home to their families. I just recently found out she had taken a personal day that week which I knew nothing about. So apparently there was no seminar and they just went away together. I have also recently learned that she has purchased over $1,200 in Lingerie, clothes and tanning services in the past few months that she didn't tell me about (note she gives me all her receipts to input into our budget for the past 11 1/2 years and now she's keeping key receipts from me). She has also taken up just leaving the house most evenings at the drop of a hat to go get one thing at the store and it always takes 30 minutes to an hour longer than it should for the errand. I just learned today that she is texting this guy regulary (I found her at&t PW)but deletes them as soon as she is done and, as I suspected, as soon as she gets in her car for the "errand" she is on the phone with him. I have purchased a digital voice recorder with Voice Activation to plant in her car and my sister is getting me the number of a PI. I want to start that next week because she has some very suspicious "nights out" coming up including an over-nighter with a "girlfriend" at a yet unspecified place.

She tells me that I am the entire problem and I have to change and she doesn't need to do anything. Note, I cook, clean, do laundry, get the kids ready for and to school, get them their showers, baths at night and put them to bed. I have always given her full body massages multiple times aweek and head massages and I've always tried to take care of her sexually. I basically wait on her hand and foot. I take the kids to soccer practices and games. I coach their baseball and basketball teams ansd am a scout leader and yet somehow I am the evil one.

First of all am I crazy for thinking what I'm thinking? And second is there hope to come back from something like this? Note he has a 5 year old daughter but complains to my W that his W is a b****. He's also made sure my wife knows what his salary is (who does that unless your hitting on someone)

Anyway, lots happening real fast but that's all I can think of for now. My stomach is in knots Please people, help me.

Thanks,
RJ

RJ .. sorry you are here but its the best place for you to be in a time like this. Please click notify at the bottom of your post and have a moderator move this to the SSA forum.

The vets will chime in and advise you what to do next. This WREAKS! of an affair .. if not physical ... DEF emotional. Your wife has her heart sighted on another man who is meeting her needs and making her feel safe through your troubled times and is now a contrast effect to her home life.

MNG

No, this is definitely physical.

RJ, you'll get way more traffic and better-targeted help if you notify the mods and ask them to move this to SAA.

You are right to be gathering evidence. Keep quiet on any confrontations for now.

Your situation reminds me so much of me and my waywardness. There is hope, but it is going to be a lot of hard work - most assuredly on your part, but, even more importantly, on your WW's part.

I am sorry you are here, but you are in the best place you can be for this.

I think you might have married my ex-wife, because this is exactly what she did - lost weight, got sexy clothes, started disappearing for "work meetings" or "drinks with coworkers", while I stayed home with the kids and questioned my sanity. Took me 6 months to figure out that she was screwing her coworker. So no, in my mind, you are not crazy, and there is zero doubt in my mind that your wife is sleeping with this Scott guy. Zero.

As to what to do, do not do what I did, which was to try to accommodate her wishes and try to be the "perfect husband" - that will have zero impact on her, and will only make it easier for her to carry on her affair, since you will "hold the fort" while she does her thing.

The VAR is a good start, although IMO you have more than enough evidence as is. But you need to get evidence, confront her, tell the kids, tell the OM's wife, and tell the HR at their work. Exposure.

Oh, and ask your thread to be moved to the SAA forum.

AGG

Okay, partner, here's the primer:


NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put �Flexispy� on any cellphone that she might use.
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

The sooner you get started the sooner (and more likely) you can end her affair. So stop typing and get to work!

AGG,

Thanks for the checkle. It's strangely comforting to know you've been through this as well. I notice she is your ex-W. Can you give me an idea of how it all went down and why things ultimately didn't work out?

Thanks,
rj

NG,

Wow! Thanks for the list. Lots for me to start working on. I want to attack this head on but intelligently. BTW what is POSOM and AP?

rj

POSOM = piece of s*&t other man
AP = affair partner

Princess,

Love it!! (POSOM) Thanks for some laughs guys. I really need that these days.

rj

Just made an appointment with the PI for next Tuesday. I want to be proactive guys and do what it takes. Help me stay focused.

She's never away from her cell phone for long enough for me to do anything but a quick check of her texts (which are always deleted). I don't know how I can get the spy software on there without any time with the actual phone. Any thoughts?

I'll be trying out the VOR in her car this weekend

Thanks,
rj

Okay, dude, you obviously are a very honorable and straightforward guy. We will help you fix those weaknesses in your marriage-protection processes.

Access to phone? Prepare a large, filling dinner (roast turkey loaded with tryptophan would be nice). You will eat very little, and ensure that she eats very well, aloing with two/three glasses of wine. Both of you go to bed. YOU DO NOT FALL ASLEEP. When you know she's asleep, you slealthily creep out of bed, grab the phone, take it downstairs, and do what has to be done. Sneak back upstairs, replace the phone (EXACTLY!) and crawl back into bed.

Hi RJ,

sorry you're here bro. I'm guessing you do the bills as well? One thing you can do is go online, go to her phone and see her texting history (I know this works with Verizon and possibly att as well). You may not be able to see the texts, but you can track calls made and texts sent. My suggestion? Go use a payphone and call the number you think it might be. Don't say anything or just see who picks up and say, sorry, wrong number.

This will give you some verification and evidence as well. You are going to need all the evidence when you finally confront her with her affair.

Someone here also once suggested seeing if you can borrow a friends car for a day. Follow her after work and see where she goes.

Also... Don't enable her. She has responsibilities at the house. Make her take the kids with her to the store (one of the older ones), tell her it's her night to tuck them in, etc...

Cv

Welcome to Marriage Builders, rj.

Yikes! Yes, this is a physical affair, I'm sorry to say

You're off to a good start. Make sure that VAR is in the car. Get the PI on her tail as fast as you can. Hopefully he can get the goods on them before the 'overnighter' with the 'girlfriend'.

In the meantime, have you checked to see if he has a FB page? If he does, make copies of all of his friends and put them in a safe place. Also, find out contact info for his wife.

Get the names, phone numbers and email addresses of the head of their HR department, as well as that of their supervisors. If there is a President or CEO, get his/her name, phone number and email address as well.

While you're getting your ducks in a row, Plan A your WW. Are you familiar with Plan A? You don't want her to know that you are on to her yet.

NG,

Thanks man. We are going out for a dinner at a friends' house with other local couples tonight (she refuses to go out with me alone). Hopefully she'll get tanked and crash. If not she's going out drinking again tomorrow night as well as Sunday (likely light drinking Sunday). She doesn't eat much these days as she is trying to stay sexy for POSOM (love it!) but she's really taken to the whole drinking thing. That could be my chance. I'll look out for it.

rj

Hey bliss!

Whirlwind day today! He does have a FB page but won't that show if I've visited it? If so I'll need to have someone not connected to me to get the info. His wife also has a FB page and it would probably be easier for me to access her friends. I already know her name, place of work, home and work phone #'s.

I'm working on all the work contact info. She is union and he is management so that could be a good angle to scare the CEO. It's a gov't entity so everyone is there through political connections so they are VERY sensitive to any hint of scandal.

Oh by the way, I forgot to mention that about a month ago the woman who got her the job took her to lunch and warned her that the entire workplace was all atwitter that she and Scott were having an affair. So much so that she warned her I might be getting an anonymous phone call. She only ended up informing me because she got scared into some damage control CYA.

Ain't life just ducky!!

rj, can you snag it in the middle of the night and then put it back? If so, you can sneak eblaster on there in about 8 minutes as long as you pay for it beforehand. Then they send you a link to your personal email to go and download it onto the phone. you type in the URL on the phone and go from there. It will email you all text messages and chat conversations. It also has a GPS and will send you her location as often as you want. The cost on this one is $65. I think flexispy also has a GPS/text program but is pricier, around $350. I am not familiar with mobilestealth, but I know others have used it and liked it.

No, he can't tell if you visited it. I would go to his page NOW and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.

You will want to do the same with the OMW's information.

CV,

Already got the PW to her email and phone accounts. I know his cell from her contacts on her phone and have been able to verify times and dates of texts and calls. Just can't see the actual texts. I'm pretty confident she's not using her email account because she's all about texting these days.

Unfortunately I think I am going to have to continue enabling her for a while to give her enough rope to hang herself. Eventually cheaters screw up, especially if they are getting brazen and WW really thinks I'm clueless. So I'm going to be Mr. Wonderful (and frankly I'm not really doing anything much new)to reel her in. Believe me guys I can't wait to pounce. But I must be patient.

rj

t/j to Neverguessed, I just discovered through a friend that eblaster for cell phones has a GPS feature in addition to logging all texts, incoming calls, etc. It runs $65. It will send GPS locations as often as you request.

...eblaster for cell phones has a GPS feature in addition to logging all texts, incoming calls, etc...will send GPS locations as often as you request.

Hey, Pep, more engineer "goodness"!

Thanx, Mel!