You are not the first nor the last woman who trades in her "good catch", "great guy" husband for a "bad boy" because of the way he makes you feel.

You see, those types have NOTHING TO LOSE for making passes at married women. If the woman says no, they move on. If the woman says yes, they have a very easy target to manipulate. Also, many times they are looking for a free ride as well. A stay at home mom with two kids is a very attractive target for men like this. The reason? If they divorce, they will have a nice check coming in every month.

Here's a sobering thought - let's say you got divorced and cohabitated with the POSOM. Since you have female body parts, the court will most likely award you primary residency of the children. At this point, the primary male role model for your children is a bi polar ex con who has drinking, gambling, and has a history of manipulating people for illegal means. Your daughters will be attracted to men who use women, and your son will grow up to be just like your ex con of a boyfriend.

My suggestion? Find a counselor to help you sort out the issues you have that caused you to make a really horrendously bad life choice that has a significant impact on your children. I will leave you with a quote I read sometime in the past:

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because it is fertilized with poop. "

Nicely stated, PSU.

PSU, you are SPOT ON with your post in every way! I need to print this one.



I used to think about what my life would like with the OM. Why that didn't send me running, I don't know. I continue to search for that answer, because it doesn't make sense to me. Sure, I could blame it on my poor self esteem or bad decision-making. But there are plenty of women out there that have those same issues, and they don't choose to play Russian Roulette with their marriage and family.

I have an incredibly loving, generous, moral and hard-working husband. So why the need to find a "bad boy"? It's pretty messed up!

Comedy T, you asked how long it took me to completely get out of the "fog"... sadly, there are still times that I find myself there. I am 5 months out from NC. After 2 and a half years of EA/PA, there are so many triggers. I find myself re-writing history and falling backwards into the pit I once was. But I catch myself. I read... a lot of MB. I work on UA with my BH and we work hard on avoiding LB's and meeting EN's. We struggle with that a bit, but we work at it and communicate about it all the time.

I went to counseling, and that did help me identify my issues. It also helped me realize how emotionally immature I am... that doesn't bode well for parenting, and so I've worked hard to change my ways of coping. I want to be a mother that my daughter wants to emulate. I want my son to see the love between his mother and father, and to know how he should treat a woman.

I am glad that you are serious about recovery. One thing I would suggest... If you find that it gets difficult or seemingly impossible, don't give up! That's going to happen and it's supposed to. You'll have good days and horrible days, and you'll need a specific plan to get you through those horrible days. Whatever it is, write it down and follow it.

Best...
grace

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Very sobering indeed. In fact, the POSOM said to me, "The good thing is if you get divorced, you'll be bringing in an extra income." Huh? Made no sense. I work regardless but then he was seeing it as "his" income. Whatever! I have been in counseling for years........not sure what to say about it.
Grace 88: I am glad you keep responding to me. It seems our time lines are almost exact. I am basically 6 months out but really only a month because I looked at the picture of him and his girlfriend on August 16th. Also, thank you for reminding me to hang in there. It's so difficult sometimes!
CT

ComedyTragedy,

Just a few thoughts for you to consider in your path to recovery. Before you can have self-esteem you MUST have a SELF. Who are you? What do you stand for? What do you want to teach your children? What do you expect from your H? What are you willing to give your H? Are you a person of honor? Are you an honesty person? Are you a person capable of empathy?

You need to know what you are now and then decide who you will be in the future. Your H can help, but he cannot make you, change you, or do anything but assist you IF you have a plan developed that will get you to your stated goals and he agrees with those goals.

You are spending too much time concerned about OM and not near enough time concerned about who you are and who you want to be. And yes, you should be really concerned about your marriage. It is in very deep trouble, but ultimately your marriage should reflect the person you aspire to be and the person your H is and will be.

People on this site often miss a very deep and secondary message in the information posted here. The message is one of assessment, improvement, but more importantly one of developing character. As you read stand back and evaluate what is being said to you with the idea of character. What sort of a character traits it takes to follow that advice?

You might find it interesting to hear your H's take on this from the perspective of character.

I will leave you with the following thought in regards to what sort of person you want to be. Your marriage vows where said to your H but meant for YOU. You were/are/will be the only person that can love your H, be faithful to him, help in in life. He cannot make you do any of those things. You make those promises to yourself, because YOU are the one that controls your decisions not an OM, not your H, not your children, no one controls them.

Time to revisit those vows and start to develop plans for how you will protect yourself and your H and keep those vows.

Just thoughts. I hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning,
Thank you for your thoughts. I know you are right. You've been more informative than my therapist. I started seeing a therapist the minute I crossed the line but she was not able to help me stop. I know this is something I need to figure out on my own. I used to have such a strong sense of who I was and what I wanted. That has all faded away and I have become someone who is codependent (I used to be independent) with a low self esteem and no boundaries in what I will do to feel better. This scares me. I feel like I have no control over myself and my thoughts. I'm trying meditation....still in therapy......so little time to myself that my thoughts and feelings are all over the place and my anxiety is through the roof!

CT,

You said: You did not become anyone. Really you are a person that has not spent much time looking inside to see what you stand for.

Being independent is not a good thing in a marriage. Being interdependent is a great thing. You don't have boundaries because you don't have values...yet. If you want to know a lot more about boundaries I recommend you read the book by Townsend and Cloud entitled "boundaries". It is a bit dry but it is good.

CT, you problem isn't lack of self-esteem. It is lack of connecting your actions to your values. If you think having an affair is a good thing, then you should be very happy with yourself because your actions are matching your values. AND you should hold yourself in high esteem for acting on your values.

You see you have to do something that is consistent with your values for you to hold your actions in esteem. Your lack of esteem does not guide your actions. I know it is fashionable to say what you have said, but it is completely backwards. If I do nothing else when communicating with you, I hope to pound that thought into your head. Establish your values and act on them and you will value yourself.

you also said Why don't you sit down with your H and talk about this. Permit me to offer you an example. Ask him "Dear, as you know I am struggling with what I have done and not done. I would like to know what your expectations of yourself and your values are. Can you talk with me about them?" Why do this? Because as he talks you will find yourself agreeing, disagreeing, or not understanding. When he is finished offer him your ideas on the same subjects and discuss your agreement with his values, your disagreement, or lack of understanding. Don't make it confrontational, in fact sit beside him, hold his hand while you ask, listen, and talk. Yup do it in that order, but for sure hold his hand.

This will be a tough discussion for both of you, but the idea is not to hurt one another but for you both to learn. Here is where Harley's concepts of POJA and radical honest really start to show.

CT, you do have control over yourself. Your problem is that you don't have a plan therefore you don't know how to start out or how to handle situations that come upon you. If you learning nothing else on this site you should learn that Harley is all about plans. The tools for developing those plans are here.

You can do this, but you must face who you are and who you want to become.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If your H is reading this, discuss with him what I have said and see what he thinks.

JL,
What you say makes total sense especially when you said, "CT, your problem isn't lack of self-esteem. It is lack of connecting your actions to your values."
Having an affair goes totally against the values I USED to have. I had the chance to date and marry the POSOM 15 years ago and I chose not to because his values were not consistent with mine (he was a drinker, gambler, coc addict, and womanizer back then too).
Then I met my husband and thought, "Wow! He's just what I want. What an upstanding man."
BTW, he is following this post and we just talked and agreed we're going to spend some time tonight talking through our values and needs.
Thank you for your words. They are keeping me strong.
CT

I just had this image that I had to post. I had an image of me being stuck in a big bear trap. Why would I want to go back to that? I am no longer in the trap. I escaped the trap and didn't lose my marriage and family. I AM FREE! I will be thankful instead of pining to go back to something that was so painful. To think that being stuck in that trap was wonderful and perfect is disgusting to me. There was nothing good about it. It was a hunter torturing his prey. Let him prey on someone else because I escaped!!!

Here is my husbands reply to my image above. Tell me he isn't the BEST husband ever!

That is a good way to look at it. You were in a trap, you escaped it, but you have some open wounds. The wounds will heal if you care for them. After the wounds heal, there will be scars, but they too will fade over time.

Keep on working on your thinking. The fog will clear more and more, and your ability to make it right will get stronger and stronger.

Wait - do you mean your BH is reading here?
Hi, Mr. ComedyTragedy! Mr. CT, I know this is all new and raw and you're still processing things. We've been there. We know.

I just want to welcome you to Marriage Builders. This is a place where you will get tons of great information on how to rebuild past this mess that your WW has gotten you both into. (Sorry, ComedyTragedy, I gotta call it real). Your WW seems incredibly remorseful - that's great! Stay here and learn how to rebuild from this and make your marriage so passionate that neither of you will ever have to deal with the devastation of adultery again.

If you're interested in starting your own thread, we'd love to talk to you. There are many, many betrayed spouses here (I'm one of them) who have recovered their marriages using the tools and methods on this site. It's not hard - it only requires your commitment.

Consider starting your own thread to tell us your story and share your fears, etc. We're here to help both of you heal. We don't get paid for this - we are peers of yours who have been where both of you are and have healed using Dr. Harley's no-nonsense, realistic concepts.

ComedyTragedy, if your BH decides to post here, you may not go on his thread. Mr. CT, the same - you have to stay off your WW's thread. We'll work with the two of you separately.

Please consider it, Mr. CT! But again - welcome!

This is false thinking Mr. CT. She wasn't trapped. She did this on her own free will. She became addicted to this man and this relationship. Please see below about the nature of affairs. They are identical to all other addictions.

Mr. CT, you're assigning the burden of recovery solely to your WW with this comment. Yes, it was her choice to have an affair. She has to own that.

But there is much more behind that affair - that's where you BOTH come in to play.

Have you read the articles here? Please start with this one: here

Mr. Ct: start your own thread.

Mr. CT, are you ready to rebuild?

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. Yes, I have been following my WW's thread, and have been lurking on MB since April. I am ready to rebuild.

Per your advice, I will excuse myself from this thread and start my own.

Mr. CT (aka CharpyTest)

The POSOM in my sitch is sounds very similar to yours. They are in it for the money. From about Jan 2010 - Aug 2010 things were really peaceful between exWW and I. The reason? She was making over 5K per month in salary and commissions with her new job. POSOM has not had a job in 10 years and a warrant for unpaid child support. ExWW has been fully supporting POSOM for three years.

In Sept 2010, exWW went on medical disability where she was only getting about $400 per week from the state. Their income was drastically reduced. ON Nov. 16th, 2010, exWW filed an emergency custody motion for sole custody to her. On Nov 18th, the judge had us on a conference call and denied her emergency motion. That night, exWW went home to POSOM and this happened (this is direct from the police report):

On 11/18/10 at 1700 hours I was dispatched to somewhere to investigate a domestic incident. Upon arrival I met with the victim,exWW , who stated she had been arguing with her boyfriend, POSOM, and he assaulted her. ExWW stated she came home to tell POSOM the results from a hearing in a case with her ex husband and he began yelling at her. ExWW stated she did not know why POSOM got angry with her, though she could tell that he had been consuming alcohol. ExWW stated POSOM pushed her into the laundry basket and she then fell on the floor. ExWW stated POSOM grabbed a hold of her by her neck and picked her up off the floor. ExWW stated POSOM also grabbed her by her hair as she was walking towards the steps. ExWW stated she was able to get away and as she was running out of the front door she twisted her ankle on the doorway ledge heading out of the house. I noticed exWW to have a red mark on the left side of her neck and also two other red marks on the right side of her neck near her collar bone. ExWW stated the injuries were a result from when POSOM grabbed her neck. ExWW stated she was hitting POSOM while she was trying to get him off of her. ExWW stated while she was near her vehicle POSOM grabbed her and threw her to the ground. ExWW stated POSOM is only violent towards her after he has consumed
alcohol.

I spoke with POSOM and he informed me he was using the bathroom when exWW came home to tell him about her case from today. POSOM stated he got angry and pushed her out of the bathroom. POSOM did not comment on the marks on ExWW's neck. While I was speaking with POSOM I could smell a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath and person.

POSOM was eventually acquitted. However, I would make an all in bet that he leaned heavily on exWW not to be cooperative with prosecution.

Anyways, with exWW losing her job, and if she got full custody, the child support I pay to her would have gone from $420/month to about $1700 per month.

Itistoughlove: Thank you for the insight. You are absolutely right. You said it all in a way that is easy for me to comprehend.

PSU: Wow.....really thoughtful of you to share that painful incident with me. It's a wake up call for sure. My POSOM got violent when he drank too. He never touched me but I'm sure if we lived together, in time, he would. Ugh, and the thought of my kids being around that really makes me sick. My husband is so wonderful. He started his own thread if you want to read it (I am not reading it). His name is CharpyTest. Please continue to help me but also help him as well.

Quote

not talking about the manipulative jerk anymore

Of course he's a "manipulative jerk", that way you get to salve your conscience a bit because it was obviously not your fault at all that you got involved with Mr Felon.

YOU pursued the relationship, YOU did everything you could to maintain contact, YOU gaslighted and then, after DDay, trickle truthed your husband, OM did none of this. All he did was what YOU let him do. Until you stop making excuses for yourself you don't stand a chance in hell of recovering your marriage.

You'll simply cheat again with another manipulative jerk because your meds didn't do the trick and you are "afraid" to talk with your husband again.

You wanted to dance, well now it's time to pay the band. You've got a lot of work to do, pretty hard to do however until you drop the BS excuses and get real.

Hey Everyone,
Checking in. H and I had a good weekend. Last Thursday and Friday were horrible for me. I had terrible withdrawl but made it through. This weekend H and I spent a lot of time together. I also had a good session with my therapist. I think I may be seeing a bit through the fog! Keep the advice coming please!
CT