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Originally Posted by freefall
Originally Posted by Lgtex1
My FWH, early on, would say "I didnt want to have an A....did'nt pursue it.. OW called me...."Ou
\

Yeah, I love this defense. My WH's variation on it was "I wasn't looking for this. She came on to me and. . .suddenly. . .everything
. . .EXPLODED!

I couldn't tell if he meant he had a premature ejaculation or if a
random missile came hurtling through the clouds and struck them.

Well, maybe I should be clear. This was never a defense my W made. It was simply an observation I noticed. Sorry if i confused anyone.



Celtic Voyager
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I've been thinking on the moral compass comment. It being off isn't right exactly, at least to me.

In my WH's case. He has a moral compass. I think, though, that he lied and justified so much, it altered his reality. Instead of black and white, his realities blurred so much, he had gray.

He only admitted he was having an affair 1.5 yrs into it. To him, it was a relationship, it was true love, she was his soul mate, how could that be wrong? Affairs are dirty, sleazy things. Because he left me 1 day before sleeping with her, it was OK. Never mind the fact he kept coming back to me.

Ironically enough, he admitted to me recently that the reason he kept coming back to me, was to make sure I wouldn't have a revenge affair. So the word was in his head the entire time, he was just applying it to me. banghead


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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Originally Posted by beginagain
Well serial adultery is, IMHO, a need to be admired and a need to have the romantic love "high", and a desire for "newness" in their life, and like all A's, the double life secrecy is exciting! . . .Because they are only thinking of themselves of course, they rationalize, rewrite history, etc.ba


I agree with you, begin again. This certainly describes my WH's motives for his many affairs.

His first affair was with my fbf, who was living with us at the time. They had sex every time I had a night class. That was 38 years ago. 25 years ago, shortly after the birth of our third child, he had an affair with someone he worked with, who ended up losing her job and her marriage. I thought that time that we had recovered completely and that he would never betray me again.

I was wrong.

In May, he admitted that he was having another affair, with a woman 20 years younger who is only a few years older than our daughter, our oldest. Since then I found out about two other affairs that happened in the interim, one EA and another PA.

I don't know if I'll ever recover after almost 40 years of lies and deceit.



Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
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Holy Wow TT
Same exxact as my sich.
But instead of leaving me told me she wanted a physical and emotional separation.....but wanted me to stay in the house...

"He only admitted he was having an affair 1.5 yrs into it. To him, it was a relationship, it was true love, she was his soul mate, how could that be wrong? Affairs are dirty, sleazy things. Because he left me 1 day before sleeping with her"

Sorry I cant figure out how to quote....
I want to thank everyone for posting makes me feel better somehow


Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
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[quote=freefall
I couldn't tell if he meant he had a premature ejaculation or if a
random missile came hurtling through the clouds and struck them. [/quote]

rotflmao


BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Dont let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
Lgtex1 #2546384 09/22/11 08:16 AM
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Thank you Celt. for starting this thread.

I, as a BS of a SC sometimes feel like the "odd-man-out", like some sort of freak for staying with a guy like that.

It REALLY helps to see there are many others out there in the same boat.


another question, maybe a new thread needs to be started on it. I find myself often asking.....

"lgtex1, would you have still married this man if you knew this would happen?"

does anyone else think about this?

not sure why this enters my brain, but it does.






BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Dont let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
Lgtex1 #2546385 09/22/11 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Lgtex1
[quote=freefall
I couldn't tell if he meant he had a premature ejaculation or if a
random missile came hurtling through the clouds and struck them.

rotflmao [/quote]

My WXH told me just this week that when he slept with my 19 year old cousin, 'it wasn't my fault! She came over and asked to use the shower and when she came out naked and jumped on me there was nothing I could do!'

Seriously. He said those exact words to me...2 1/2 years after DD...2 years post divorce. I think maybe he hasn't figured it out yet.

Lgtex1 #2546390 09/22/11 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Lgtex1
I find myself often asking.....

"lgtex1, would you have still married this man if you knew this would happen?"

does anyone else think about this?


I can tell you when I was in my fog the question was""""How was it possible that I married the completely wrong person, Wrong in every way. This feels so right how could it every be wrong...

Then the awakening

Now I know I would marry the same woman every time...no matter what.

I love the quote on someones sig line
I wouldn't trade her for a million dollars, but i wouldnt buy another one like her for a nickle..
always makes me think


Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
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Originally Posted by celticvoyager
How are you doing BTW? You've been on Grace and my winds the past few months. Are you holding up ok?

Hey, CV (& Grace smile )

Doing OK. Divorce & dealing with a wayward is definitely quite stressful (my atty is getting ready to file contempt charges as we speak because he is not following our pendente lite agreement re visitation and $$ ~ GRRRRR)

I just am sooo looking forward to the day it is final and the kids and I are settled in our new place (wherever that may be)...

Luckily have got great friends & family to help us thru it. You all have been awesome too. smile

Thank you for asking!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2546420 09/22/11 09:43 AM
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For me I wouldn't change my kids for the whole world so if marrying someone else meant not having them, then no I wouldn't marry someone else.

I do wish I had my head out of the dirt though much sooner than I did....

ba


Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
SusieQ #2546593 09/22/11 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by celticvoyager
How are you doing BTW? You've been on Grace and my winds the past few months. Are you holding up ok?

Hey, CV (& Grace smile )

Doing OK. Divorce & dealing with a wayward is definitely quite stressful (my atty is getting ready to file contempt charges as we speak because he is not following our pendente lite agreement re visitation and $$ ~ GRRRRR)

I just am sooo looking forward to the day it is final and the kids and I are settled in our new place (wherever that may be)...

Luckily have got great friends & family to help us thru it. You all have been awesome too. smile

Thank you for asking!

Grrr is right! I am so glad you have family and friends helping out! Grace and I are thankful for you, and we are praying for you too!

by the way, you weren't on our *winds*, you were on our *minds* lol!

CV


Celtic Voyager
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@Mel, my H said the exact same thing that she was an accomplice to my 'crime'.

@TE, I sure had my head up there for a little while. I can thank God and MB for getting me out of it!


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
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Originally Posted by celticvoyager
Originally Posted by L2010NM
Thanks for this thread CV.

I often wondered which category my H was on with he had his two overlapping affairs. He said that it was very dark for him during that time and he was very guilty and wanted to end it several times but both OW#1 & OW#2 threatened to tell me the truth and he was stuck. I don't understand why he kept on eating his own vomit.

My FWW had 2, but I would not classify her as a serial cheater.

I don't think I would consider with a serial cheater but someone who had multiple affairs. I know both women were predators and cast their nets wide and would do anyone that is willing. He treated them like dirt. But the women gave them the admiration that he had been craving for.

I had a very hard time dealing with his multiple affairs. But God is always good and we are recovering slowly. Sometimes, I don't want to work on it and my Taker pokes his head out and wants to give up and start new but I now have a H who is willing to work hard on recovery but even then my taker thinks he's not doing enough on his end for our recovery.

boy can I relate! lol. I have a strong taker side to me and constantly have to check it.

I do have a friend that is a serial cheater. I think if you look up serial cheater in the dictionary that her face would be on it. She is one of the most beautiful people I know but she is also the most lost person I know. This would be her signature line if she was here (hope you can follow):

WW-34
XBH#1-40?
OM#1
OM#2/currently BH#2/affairage-38
OM#3
OM#4
OW#1
DS-14
OCDS-12 (from OM#1). Lied to XH that this child was his until son was almost 3 years old.
DD-10
OCDS-8 (from OM#2)
Heard from XH#1 that she is now pregnant with from OM#3. Lying to OM#2/BH#2 that this child is his!

I am no longer allowed to be friends with her because she supported my A and H does not want me associated with her as part of EP. She has lied so much that I don't know if she can ever come clean and have a normal life. Is there hope for her?

See, I think it is harder for them to recover, but the only people I say there is no hope for are pedophiles.

cv


I'm not sure she wants to recover. She's been living a lie her whole life. Lies are the only way she knows how to live and she's a very good serial cheater. She has beaten the statistics. She's still married to her OM#2 (just had their 7th anniversary) albeit she still continues having affairs. She's very good at pretending life is perfect and it sure looks good from the outside. It seems like her house that is 'made on sand' will last a lifetime and she and OM#2 will have a happily ever no ever knowing the OC#3 isn't his.

I'm glad my H has pulled me out of that drama and I am no longer in her influence...I hate to admit this but she was my 'affair mentor' puke





Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
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Is it possible to t/j your own thread? Someone posted this on Facebook today and just thought I'd share it. There are some interesting aspects to it... And it was just darn funny...

THE WEIRDEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife, I�m writing you this letter to tell you that I�m leaving you forever. I�ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn�t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don�t tell me you love me anymore; you don�t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you�re cheating on me or you don�t love me anymore; whatever the case, I�m gone.


Your EX-Husband


P.S. don�t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



�� Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It�s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you�ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn�t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was �You look just like a girl!� Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can�t say something nice, I didn�t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won�t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As He77 & Free!


P.S. I don�t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that�s not a problem.


Celtic Voyager
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Baby, that's too funny!


Me...saved by grace
Him...wonderful husband
Us...3 years in to our new life and better every day!
and we have 3 great kids (20,19,17)

Eph. 5:22-33
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This radio clip explains why serial affairs occur. We see this play out over and over again on this forum when couples cut corners in recovery. They usually end up back here with repeat affairs:

radio clip


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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That radio clip also addresses therapists who believe that romantic love is "unrealistic." He explains that 20% of married couples are in love after 20 years and if you follow their habits, you will be too. This is what MB is patterned after. But most therapists have no idea how that is achieved, which is why they tell clients it is "unrealistic."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr Harley discusses why the oft heard ~~"I forgive you"~~ comment will not help prevent another infidelity in the future.
To me personally, that was the most valuable part of the broadcast.
How often have we heard a BS tell us "I forgave him/her for the first affair, and we moved on." .... Unfortunately the "move on" can sometimes mean move on to a series of infidelities.

If you are about to type a response to what I just wrote about "I forgive you" without LISTENING to the show first .... Be honest, and tell us you did not bother to listen !

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Dr Harley discusses why the oft heard ~~"I forgive you"~~ comment will not help prevent another infidelity in the future.

He actually says that "forgiveness" harms their chance of recovery. I agree with this, and have observed that those that "forgive" while the affair is still going on cause even more damage because it leads to prolonged affairs. That kind of unconditional "love" leads to abuse and neglect. It might feel good temporarily to pass out cheap, unwarranted "forgiveness" but it is harmful to the marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It might feel good temporarily to pass out cheap, unwarranted "forgiveness" but it is harmful to the marriage.

I agree with this statement.
I want to add that it is not uncommon for the WS to assume their infidelity will forever be a wedge in the marriage. Assume that their BS will forever hold a grudge. Some WS use that as an excuse for not returning to the marriage.
"You're never going to get over this, are you?" <~~~ A type of gas-lighting and an attempt to force a premature "I forgive you" from the BS.

That's not what MB is all about. "Getting over" is too passive. MB is dynamic purposeful and proactive.

It is MY OPINION that forgiveness is meaningful when the marriage has boundaries of protection (EPs) in place, and the conditions that permitted infidelity are no longer happening.

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