Limb, its nice to hear from you.

So, you fell in love again eh? To be expected. Your soul was hurting, and this woman seem to be the answer.

She is 28? Well, her age may have something to do with her avoidance of telling you the "hard stuff" right now. It's a maturity thing, most often. Has she ever been married, or have any children? My guess is no.

I do have a little toe tapping going on over here though. What happened to waiting before you introduce the boys to any women? I think the best lesson you can take out of this experience is that you really should wait to introduce them to women. You don't want them to see the possible revolving door that can happen while dating.

There are a whole host of "things" that she wants to speak to you about, so I won't dissect that. It's normal for the human brain to jump to the worst case scenario. And with what has happened to you in the last couple of years, it's no surprise. Take care big brother.

Thanks Scotty. I agree that it is probably a maturity thing. She turns 29 in two weeks, but despite her recent avoidance behavior, she has shown maturity beyond her years. She is also divorced however has no children.

I think I need to clarify about the introduction. She has NOT met my boys. I mentioned that I had talked about it. Basically, I was very clear with her from the start that I will not introduce my boys to anyone unless we had been together for a few months in an exclusive relationship and I felt very confident that it was going to be a LTR.

As she and I would talk about things we would like to do together, she mentioned that she often thinks about and looks forward to doing things with me and my boys, like fishing. I would frequently tell her about what me and the boys were doing and sometimes send pictures. I think I said that I look forward to doing things together (meaning the 4 of us) down the road. I was thinking that in a month or two maybe have her go to a movie with us, or go to lunch together. Slow, gradual introduction.

We also talked about children in general. She had said that she did not want to have children herself, but liked kids. Just didn't want to go through pregnancy and birth.

I also realize that there could be any number of things that she wants to talk about, however her actions certainly speak to it being something she is uncomfortable with. Time will tell.

The feelings of being a basket case shouldn't last long. You haven't known this woman long enough to get really deeply attached. What have you learned from this relationship? If you got a do-over what would you do differently?

And, no, these are not rhetorical questions. I really want to know because I'm about ready to start dating and haven't a clue how to handle it as a divorced parent. My life is not the same as when I was in my 20s.

(((LIMB!!!)))
Good to see you, man!
I was wondering about you a lot lately. I've had a couple minutes to post so, I've been hanging around in the last week or so. I was hoping you were okay. Now I see you were Very okay, lol.

You'll move past this. The pain is so temporary - I speak with a small amount of experience. But at least you can say you had a nice experience and once you look back on the good times, there will be no regrets. Sounds like a nice girl, but just not ready for you yet.
There are a million out there. Find one closer to home next time, it's way easier. .
***Hopefully A Good Guy will post soon -- he has good advice in these matters...***

Hope the boys are well. Back in school. How is your custody arrangement? Was I correct to assume you see them a little more than 50%? Are you able to visit when it's not your "days" or do you have to stay away? Do you call them a lot? Do they seem to be adjusting to the decrease in drama and tension???

take care.
opt

I did the same thing, SOL. In retrospect I don't blame the woman at all as I probably scared the crap out of her because like you I started out slowly but I didn't stay that way. Really nice girl and I blew it. If I ever run across her again I would apologize because I realize I was pretty foolish. I also dated a woman who was talking about taking our relationship to "another level" after less than a month, so I did take it to another level, I took it to "over".

Gut check - remember, it hasn't been that long since your divorce, for women guys that have recently divorced stamped on their forehead make their internal robot cry out "Danger, Will Robinson" because they're damaged emotionally even though they can't or won't see it themselves. Remember the old axiom "those who fall in love easily also fall out of love easily", I wouldn't even mention the "L" word or talk about exclusivity until at least 6 - 9 months of dating.

You were eating vanilla for a long time, my friend, and you seem to want to get back to vanilla again right away, but Baskin and Robbins has a LOT of different flavors. Why don't you try some of them to see what you like and don't like before settling back into plain old vanilla?

And as I said to you in the past, be especially careful to recognize those poor souls with kids and bills they're having trouble paying, you look like a bonfire on their infrared target sensors.

Ugh.

SOL,

Sorry to hear about the latest developments... If it helps at all, many of us here have BTDT. As others have said, recent divorcees (especially those who have been cheated on and treated like crap) are very susceptible to falling head over heels for the first person who shows an interest in them and treats them well.

I don't think you did anything wrong by being open and available, instead of being "the guy". I think the problem is that this particular woman was looking for a different type of guy, and that is her prerogative and loss. I have my met my share of women who wanted that type of guy, and since I was not "it", I was happy to let them keep looking for him .

Conversely, I also met my share of women who liked the open and available type of guy, in fact I married one of them. So they do exist - you just need to find them.

That whole line about "didn't mean to be rude" shows a severe lack of maturity and honesty, two dealbreakers IMO. So as much as the loss hurts (and it definitely does), you are much better off to have seen this side of her now than after introducing her to your boys or moving further along in the relationship.

I would not change your approach to dating. I just think you need ot be a little more careful with your heart, you do need to protect it at first.

As for this woman, I think you need to minimize contact - tell her you need to pick up your stuff and give her her stuff, and to work out whatever future plans you have made - and then wait for her to reply. After that, cold turkey.

AGG

Why the "Ugh"?

I'm sorry, _SOL. Some of what I read is obviously just going on inside your head, but the external data is hard to ignore. It DOES seem like your new relationship has suddenly gone south. And without knowing why, I can see why it's having such an effect on you. It's probably the not knowing that's worse. Am I wrong?

I remember reading and participating in your thread as your new life seemed to be unfolding. I remember thinking to myself how fortunate you were, and if only I could be as fortunate.

It seems things have gone the opposite direction for us. I've so completely jumped off the dating carousel that I can speak with, work with and associate with women that I would otherwise find devastatingly attractive, and feel absolutely nothing toward them. Which is funny, since I joined a training program that turns out to be mostly women, and to me they are nothing more than training partners!

Unlike some of the posters here, I do see dating as an "interview process." Dancing Girl and I went out a few times, but it was clear to me that nothing more was going to come out of it, and while I might find something to do the both us might enjoy together, I'm not out looking for those opportunities these days.

No risk, no reward, _SOL. It would seem you took the risk, but found there was no reward.

This time.

Keep trying!

Just doesn't set well with me how you characterize " those poor souls with kids and bills they're having trouble paying" as women that SOL should avoid.

Exactly. Different people want different things.

I wanted the open and available guy...I married him.

Well, I am sorry for that, however there are women out there that would view SOL (and other recently divorced service members) as attractive prospects to a better life. Been there, didn't do that, because I saw plenty of my fellow soldiers make this mistake. For SOL, it would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

I guess my perspective would be a bit different than yours as I am a man. Perhaps for women it would be "try to avoid men who can't hold a job and look at you as a free ride".

I see a huge difference between a man who can't hold down a job and a woman who has children with bills she can't pay.

A woman who has children and bills she can't pay (and there are all kinds of degrees to that situation) isn't necessarily precluded as a good mate based upon that circumstance.

The point I am trying to make, apparently not all that well, is that he should try to avoid women that look at him as a paycheck and/or replacement Dad, for what he can do for them instead of as a loving partner. You know, there ARE people, both men and women, who marry people just for financial gain or to get themsleves out of a tough situation. I feel badly for the latter, but SOL's job is not to save the world, SOL's job is to someday find a partner that is right for him.

If you were a single woman with kids before you were married, got married to a great guy solely because you loved him and he loved you, and didn't use any deception to get him to do so, well obviously what I said doesn't apply to you. I'm not trying to say that ALL single moms are looking to get married for the wrong reasons, just like single Dads are not, but there ARE those that do. And in our society, making the wrong choice in a marriage partner has pretty bad financial consequences for a guy, especially when you are already paying child support.

Explanation understood.

Ty.

SOL -

As far as rebounders go, you didn't do so bad. Only coming out a little older, wiser, and mostly intact.

Chalk it up for what it was. A learning experience.
You're still healing - try not to go "all in" so quickly.
Take a little more time to evaluate the long term potential.

Ever watch the movie "how to lose a guy in 10 days" with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConoughy? Kinda funny -- they both set out to do everything wrong on purpose.

My daughter has been dating her boyfriend for a year, and he's getting on her last nerve -- he comes up with the idea that they should go to "couples therapy". Seriously???? If you have relationship issues in your early twenties you should BREAK UP.....not therapy!

Wow! So many great, helpful posts. Thank you all. I want to respond to some things but just got home from a social event and it's very late. Will try to get on tomorrow because there was some good stuff here!

Just to update, she finally did call me today. It was too much too soon and she didn't want to be in a comitted relationship. We really weren't, but we acted as if we were. It was a good talk and we left it as friends. I realize now that it was doomed from the start anyway, however now I know to pay better attention to the red flags and pace myself!

Went out with about 130 of my full-time work friends for a social event and had a great time. I'm sure I will continue to reflect on this relationship in order to understand better, but at least I'm not pining for her and actually talking to her about things helped tremendously. You are right Fred, the not knowing what was really going on is far worse than knowing it's over.

I've dusted myself off and now look forward to the next chapter!

Oh, I should probably add that I talked with Pinky about this yesterday and today. She had called me yesterday about the boys and caught me while I was sounding down and she kept asking me what was wrong, so I explained that my dating partner and I were done. Kind of odd really, but we actually had a decent conversation about dating post-divorce and both shared some of our experiences.

Not sure how healthy it was for me to talk to her about anything other than the boys. She was supportive and I needed it. Apparently we have both made some of the same errors. It was just odd to actually talk with her again about something of substance. Not sure what if anything that means. No, I don't see us becoming close 'friends' after this and I have no intention of continuing this conversation or starting any other dialogs with her other than day to day parenting stuff.

Just my take, and I may be completely wrong, but...

This person (pinky) is someone you loved and shared your life with for years. Unlike the revisionist fog, you guys really related to each other for much of that.

If you are really over her (and I think you are, you grieved for a long time when you were trying to save things), then I think it's OK now and then to have a meaningful conversation with your EX.

As long as you keep in perspective and it doesn't set your healing back, then it's OK.

Not me, schtoop. My ex gives me the heeby-jeebies. I don�t want her opinion on anything. Unfortunately, she still has a hand in raising my kids, so I have to consider her side on many things, and fortunately we agree mostly. She doesn�t deserve to know personal stuff about my dating though, that�s for sure.
Limb, I think pink caught you in a weak moment and you gave her some satisfaction/camaraderie that she didn�t deserve. My ex has not transformed into someone with whom I feel I can have a meaningful conversation yet (no offense, schtoop, just saying...)

I have to admit, I�ve grown stronger in my stance to not grant the fantasy divorce as time has gone on. It�s difficult not to lean on someone who was your partner for many years, especially at first.

Just some thoughts.

opt

Remember, it is very dangerous for any future relationships having conversations of a personal nature with an Ex.

Limb, I believe the same as Opt.

Just be careful