Hi Livensi. I hope some others with more experience will post a reply, bump this up tomorrow if no responses. I will just give some thoughts now so you don't rush in...

I know how bad you feel... your hurt shows through in parts of the Plan B letter. And you want that husband that is acting so stupid to just wake up, to come to his senses. I know... I think this too.

But it is not only your hurt that comes through, so too do some lovebusters. And it is the LB's that your WH will focus on, to reinforce his decision to have an affair, to strengthen the bond with the OW. And that is not what a Plan B letter is about. It is supposed to be a love letter, but with you standing firm on what your conditions are that WH would have to meet to reconcile your marriage. It is good that you have expressed your thoughts and feelings by writing the letter, but I would suggest you think twice about giving it to WH as is.

Also, you have quite a bit in the letter about WH's justifications and accusations. Remember that wayward's all sprout nonsense, and including this in your Plan B letter is in some way likely to reinforce it. Don't waste time addressing his babble, don't try to reason with the unreasonable.

I can see you have read the Plan B letter from SAA... compare yours to Jon's and have a think about how many DJ's are in there. Things that will likely alienate your WH, make him feel even more justified in his wayward thinking.

At every opportunity I had before entering Plan B, I reminded WH that I was his wife. Ending the letter with "Your loving wife" is something that the OW can not do... press your advantages.

Keep planning Livensi, and glad you are getting those ducks in a row.

Hello Livensi...

I'm certainly not an expert here. I've just posted my Plan B letter for scrutiny but haven't had any replies yet.

However, I was under the impression that the letter was to be a love letter and I feel that the beginning of yours is a tad aggressive and accusing...but perhaps I'm wrong.

I'm sure some more experienced MBers will answer you. I look forward to their replies...I need help too! :-)

Caracal, Gillybac thanks for the replies. I guess you are right. I thought when I sit and start writing the letter I will be full of emotions and I will write a beautiful romantic letter...but it just didnt happen. I am so empty right now after so many lies and betrayal. All I feel is anger. How do I write a love letter without pointing out the truth I don't know. I guess I will try to modify it when I am in a different state of mind

Livensi...

You could have a look at mine if you like. I'm waiting for advice on it:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2543035#Post2543035

(Not sure if that's the correct way to post links...)

I've already added a sentence specifying conditions later on in the thread - that's hard for me to do. I feel like I'm ordering him about and he hates that...:-(

Just my two cents.


Dear xxx,

You are home, but you actually are not. You said I am blackmailing you. I do not want to blackmail anyone being with me especially my own husband and best friend of 12 years. The past months have been extremely devastating and hurtful for me and I believe it�s time I let go and start healing myself. In these 8 months you have showed me how unimportant I have become for you. How you have lost all your love, care and respect for me. Whatever the reason I am unable to live like that with the person that used to give his life for me and make me feel like the only woman on the planet for him. It hurts that the person you used to be seems to be gone and I really miss and want that person more than anything.


The past 8 months have started erasing from your memory everything good that we were. And we really were a good couple. The love that borough us together was stronger than anything. The happiness we have experienced together was so true. You are rewriting our history to make it look bad and justify you actions�.its not right. We were happy, we were enjoying each other, we were loving each other

You once wrote me this:

� .... i feel like closing my eyes and saying to you

i loved you the first time i saw you , i loved you even before i saw you , i love you when u smile , i love you when u laugh, i love you when u cry , i will love you when i live , i will love you when i am the wind�

�.and many more like this. Did you forget these? Did they not mean anything to you? They meant everything to me and I trusted them. These words were my truth and my reality. Now all these became a lie�and it hurts.

We have both made mistakes in our marriage and life together, we both have. I am sorry for my mistakes and I would love to fix those and create a beautiful relationship between me and you. It would be the best thing for all of us � you, me and our kids. This is not going to be possible until you want it. It�s not going to be possible while you are still investing your emotions with someone else. This is not going to be possible until you end your relationship with this woman once and for all.


Until then I will stay away, avoid seeing you or talking to you to preserve y love for you. Seeing you while knowing you are with another person hurts too much. You can see the kids� every Tuesday and Thursday after work I will have my mother home so she can give you the children. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter it can be done through xxx


I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with this woman. I still love you and want you back but I cannot see you under these conditions.


I would love us to rebuild our marriage. To become these 2 people that we were for each other before. I want to be your best friend and be there for you whenever you need me. I want you to be my best friend. Just like before. I want us to rebuild our relationship so that everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate or hurt each other.

I loved you from the beginning of our relationship and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot see you while you are still with this woman and knowingly hurting me.


With love,

xxx

Thanks so much for the advices and support. Yesterday I got one of those sad days thinking about the past and my relationship with H before the A. I made a mistake and sent him a text with my feelings. Of course the answer I got from him made things even worse and I knew that will happen but still did it. The answer was something like "Things are different now". Yeah of course they are.

I need to get myself away from him ASAP. One part of me doesn't want to do it, but thats the best option for me.
I'am meeting a lawyer on Friday and will fix my plan B letter tomorrow.

I have signed for a masters program today and that and the kids should keep my busy while in plan B. I will post my updated plan B letter here before handling it to my H.

Thanks again for the support

humm I forgot the ask the question in my last reply.
I am going to talk to a friend to be my intermediary. Is there a place where she can read what is this all about?

Here is Melody's IM Training School (I hope this works, unsure about creating links). If not check it out under notable posts.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=157563&Number=2264548#Post2264548

Something more along these lines would be better.

Also, do you have any way to send this letter to OW as well?

Thanks Caracal.
Scotland - I have a way to send it to OW, but I am not sure if I should do this.
Right now after I have exposed their A to their boss they are both scared for their jobs and careers and I am not sure but I don't think they are keeping the A like before. They are both scared I will send the exposure letter officially at their work and they both will get fired (both are on very high positions and career is very important to them). I have no clue what is happening between them right now and that's why I am wondering if sending the letter to the OW will be a good idea. They might decide that I am giving up and I am not going to send the exposure letter and continue the A.

Livensi, when you say you exposed to WH's boss, was this in writing? It just seems a pretty lukewarm response so far... boss telling WH and OW to sort out the mess. What is the company doing to resolve this?

My opinion (and let the vets correct me if I'm wrong, I'm still learning MB concepts)... if you didn't expose in writing to the company, take it up the food chain. Put it in writing to HR. Make the company ACCOUNTABLE. Make the company think about the responsibility they have in avoiding any legal action over sexual harassment claims. What do YOU have to lose? Think about that. WH may lose his job, or OW may lose her job. But without breaking up the affair, you risk losing your marriage. What does that mean to you?

BritsBrat has a letter to write to HR, but I can't remember which thread this is on... anyone else know where it is?

At the minute it seems your THREAT to expose may have driven the affair underground. If I were in your shoes... Don't threaten... just EXPOSE. Let the truth and consequences of the affair rein down on the adulterers. And then go into Plan B whilst they have to deal with the aftermath!

Caracal I can't expose officially. My H will surely lose his job also he might get sued. We are full of loans and will lose our apartment if he loses his job. Also H will never be able to find a good job that will pay so much in my country. Me and the kids are financially dependent on him and we just cannot afford him losing this job at that moment. Not to mention a friend (the boss) is also involved and there will be complications for him...its just very complicated situation.

Well if your WH's job is more important than your marriage then don't expose

Caracal is so bang on correct. You need to expose to the higher ups in writing and if he loses his job you will have to deal with that. To have recovery of your marriage he would have to leave anyways.

And sending the Plan B letter to the OP wasn't my idea, it's in SAA. Have you read it? It is suggested so the OP knows the truth about Plan B so they can see that the only reason the WS isn't talking to the BS is because it's the BSs idea. Also, the OW will get angry at WH when he complains that you won't talk to him. She will get insecure and jealous.

The whole point of this is to kill the affair. If you let it continue, you might as well file for a D now and save yourself a lot of pain and time.

So your WH job is more important then your marriage and family. Then stop fighting this affair because the way you are doing things half way in the end the OW will win.

But by letting the OW win you will still lose your WH and his income because he will be using his job to pamper the OW.

I have just left the plan B letter in his office bag. So I guess I am officially in Plan B from today.

I wanted to expose to OW's friends on facebook, but she has made that information private. Any ideas how I can get the her friends list?

I am also wondering would a plan B do anything in a long distance relationship with the OW? They meet only from time to time, also my H is not letting her get close to him - live with him. He pushes her away every time she tries to do something like that. How will the reality take place and burst their stupid affair illusion?

Thanks so much for the support.

Good on you livensi, now stay dark, no cracks of light should shine through to WH other then that Plan B letter giving him the directions back to you and the marriage.

I had been wondering what you were doing... update us. Did you expose to WH's workplace?

Have you packed WH's belongings? And changed the locks?

Let us know how you have lined your ducks in a row...

I'm no facebook expert, but tried to learn fast whilst in Plan A. Unfortunately I could not get a dead cert on who the OW was, though have strong suspicions.

I set up a fake account on facebook and set about befriending skank's friends and colleagues. This opened up some of her privacy blocks, giving me access to more of her photos, etc. But I never did get access to her friend's list. Still, by doing some painstaking investigating on facebook, I managed to figure out a handful of friends, and four family members. There is a thread under operation investigate started by surfer88 with more details, make sure you check it out as I am not an expert.

Do you have any hunches who she would be friends with on facebook? Colleagues, family members etc, you can start there.

I have not fully exposed at work, but I have made it uncomfortable and risky for them. Our financial situation is very difficult with all the loans we took recently for the apartment. If he gets fired or vanishes I will have to pay and there is no such thing as bankruptcy in my country. The banks will get anything and everything they can from me even block my money from my future salaries till they get everything back and this might take years that all my money will be going to pay past debts.

I read dr Harley's advice about exposure at workplace :"
When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer? While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover�s spouse, I�m not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That�s because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job. So my advice whether or not to expose to an employer is usually made on a case-by-case basis. "

For the plan B, I have spoken to a lawyer, I took his keys away so I dont need to change locks, I have packed his things and left them with my parents.

Have exchanged few texts today, because there was no other way, but no more.

I have not read the SAA book, I couldn't find ebook version, otherwise I will have to wait around 2 weeks for delivery. So about giving a copy to the OW of the plan B letter....do I just email her the whole letter I wrote him? Should I write anything other than that in this email?

I still have not send the plan B letter to the OW, because I am not sure whats the way to do it. Anyone to give me advice here? Do I just copy paste the whole letter and email it to her. Do I add anything to this email?

WH is torturing me after going in plan B. Yesterday he showed up in the middle of the night after speaking to the kid to bring him his IPAD. He is messaging me like 20 times yesterday ("Who is picking up the kid?, Take care of the kids they are the only pure thing left of our TRUE love, Get the kid ready I'm coming to pick him up" - to this one I had to answer or else he would have showed up again). When my IM emailed him details about the kids and when he can and cannot see them his answer was "You two are crazy, who is the mother here?"

Phew anger is raising back in me...

In SAA Dr H suggests it is best to send a copy of the plan b letter to OW along with a brief note at the bottom saying "i love husband with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance".

I'm on my phone so have to be brief. But livensi, u need to tighten up plan b. YOU r in charge here. You need to take control. Your WH is testing your resolve now, much like a kid in the candy shop. Show him he can not have both chocolate and candy, it is one or the other.