Nice folks here, and no offense, but I didn't want to need your help again. I'm so grateful that there is a place to turn.

Here is my post from a few years ago -
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2184601&page=1

WH had long term EA/PA, I found out, handled it poorly, found out year later it was still going on. Exposed to everyone (OWH, friends, family, etc.) Almost 3 years of no contact between WH and OW. Marriage OK (not wonderful but trucking along fine).

Sunday I discover they are in contact again and it's started recently. I kept the proof. He admitted to it. Apologizes, "she's like a drug," knows it's bad and doesn't want to but can't help himself and then regrets it after. Blah.

I haven't really done anything at this point. Just letting the shock/anger/hurt work its way through me before I react.

Today the OWH contacted me to let me know it had started again (which I already knew).

At this point I haven't done much of anything. I have been researching and thinking about plan D. I don't want to divorce, and I do love my husband, but I'm afraid that this solidifies that he CAN'T be faithful. Or do they sometimes relapse like this?

From what I saw on e-mails and from e-mails OWH told me he saw, WH is scared [censored] I will leave him. I have told him that I need time to think things through and he's getting kind of panicky - getting physically ill, too. I act disinterested. OWH says he is divorcing her.

To complicate things, we absolutely cannot spend 20 or 24 hours per week together, even if we are to try to reconcile. We get alone time a few hours per week, if that. He works nights (has been trying to get on days for years and can't) and I work days. 3 kids at home. We see each other 30 minutes daily and kids are there. Weekends are very busy. To get in the time, we'd need kids at sitters literally all weekend, which a)we can't afford and b)just doesn't seem right. I'm afraid that alone makes any sort of reconciliation doomed to fail anyway.

I don't know what to do...

Has he moved out?

Expose the A, and then Plan B.

That's the only thing that I can see to help you get out of this drama and come out healed on the other side.

And I disagree you can't spend 20-25 hours a week together. What you mean is you won't.

How do your H and the OW contact each other? What is the mode of contact?

No, I really haven't done anything. He doesn't want to move out but I'm sure he will if I ask him to. He's very accomodating and will do anything I ask at this point.



Working on exposing. So no plan A, straight to B?



Right now I don't want to so it is hard to conceptualize being able to do that. It doesn't feel like we could, at least not without sacrificing our family life, but I guess anything is possible.

They communicate through his work e-mail, which is accessible anywhere. He very rarely accesses it from home but I noticed over the last few weeks he was accessing it regularly. I came home from an errand and he bolted out the door (to meet her somewhere). Asked DS what daddy was doing while I was gone and he said "working on the computer." I just knew it so I went to the email portal and the login was still active. I have since asked him for the password and he gave it to me right away. He sent her a NC right away. She is devastated and has been emailing him several times a day and he deletes them. Looks like she found his e-mail (they work in same industry) and initiated contact a few weeks ago.

The time for Plan A is definitely over, well over.



Right now I don't want to so it is hard to conceptualize being able to do that. It doesn't feel like we could, at least not without sacrificing our family life, but I guess anything is possible.[/quote]

The basic issue I see here is that nothing has ever been done to recover your marriage from this affair. This is the basic problem. For example, your husband has NEVER instituted extraordinary precautions. And there has never been a plan to recover the marriage. What you have had is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage that was more vulnerable to an affair AFTER than before.

As far as spending 20-25 hours together, less important things like careers and family time have taken priority to your marriage. Those are all things that can be put off/changed. They should never be given precedence over your marriage. It doesn't help your family one bit if you end up divorced.

So, if you want to make this work, you and your H are going to have to find a way to a) affair proof your marriage for good and b) commit to a program of recovery that includes spending 20+ hours per week of UA time. This program simply won't work without it. If you won't do those things, I would suggest getting a divorce because as you can see, your marriage will not recover.

I would be sure and expose this affair to everyone: your children, all your parents, your pastor, if any. I would also go to this wh*res facebook page and copy all her contacts into a WORD doc and expose to her family and married friends. Everyone should know what she does so they can protect their marriages. We have a template letter you can send.


Do you live in the same town as this skank ho? And what industry is this?

What happened here?

Your job schedules scream out at the top of their lungs

"Marriage headed for trouble!"

You simply HAVE to spend time galore together (this is a huge part, no doubt, of her allure....you are not making your time together and romance a priority).

Brainstorm girl. Brainstorm. When there is a will, there IS a way.

Maybe find free sitters (people you will sit for in return), go out without the kids or the kids will have two homes to shuttle back and forth to.

You can't afford to change jobs and get sitters? Can you afford a divorce?

If you wanted to, and your WH wanted to....the two of you could

move far away and have new jobs and different emails or no computer at all

change your names so you are not google-able.

There are so many possibilities to making contact with OW very difficult.

You need to tell H you are going to spend a minimum of 20 hours a week together alone doing fun stuff from now on

or

OW would willingly do so for you.

Ah, ML I see what you are saying and you are right. We didn't have a plan to truly recover and probably haven't. Not an unwillingness to, per say, rather an unmotivation to, maybe. MIL is elderly and demands a lot of time from him, which is also a stressor in our marriage because I think she needs to get services (she has plenty of money) for many of the things she asks of him. His 17 y.o. son is in crisis - flunking H.S. and we suspect doing drugs. We also have a kid who has high maintenance medical needs and that puts restrictions on us.

Sometimes I do just think it would be better/easier to go at it alone. I can take care of me and our 2 kids just fine. I know WH would not be able to cope at all with all that he has going on. He knows it too. So I often do feel like I stay because of obligation - that whole for better or for worse - and then get [censored] on because of it. It makes me feel like a martyr and that's not good.

We live in the same metro as skank ho but almost an hour away.

They are both in food manufacturing, which isn't a huge industry here so not too many companies. She used to be his assistant. She quit and he was fired. Maybe because of the affair, he won't admit to that, but I know his boss was aware.

When WH left abruptly, skank ho happened to be in our area for her son's ballgame. She offered to meet him in the field behind the ballfields. Oh so classy, quickie at a kids kickball game WTF?!? Anyway, he was nervous about running in to someone he knows so instead he ran out to get some paint we needed and she gave him a bj in Lowe's parking lot. That is really all that their relationship consists of, from what I can tell. Her going out of her way to satisfy him with quickies. No substance to their conversations, dirty talk only at this point, but I know that they had an EA as well in the past. He is using her for sex. She's lonely because her BH is filing for divorce.

It's all so pathetic and ridiculous.

I cheated on my boyfriend in H.S. He was crushed. I would NEVER EVER EVER do that to anyone again. Sometimes I feel like Karma is alive and well and that her reputation is justified.

No, we probably couldn't afford divorce. I mean, we'd have to though so I'm sure we would.

WH would love to spend 20 hours a week together. That's one of his biggest complaints about me - I don't engage in enough alone time with him. He said he'd go to 10 counselors. What he won't do, though, is accept all responsibility. He (gently) says that he is attracted to the affair becacuse she WILL spend dedicated time with him. I will be honest in that I don't. If there is something that needs to be done then I do it. I don't stop moving or working. Ever. I'm also a bulldog. If he's doing something I disagree with, I can't let it go. It's my personality. It works well at work and even with the kids to an extent, but no so good on my marriage. I know that.

As far as moving away, maybe. We talked about it after d-day but couldn't before because WH's son was a minor and his mom had residential custody so he'd in effect be leaving behind his son, which is no longer the case since a) we now have custody of WH's son and b) he's almost 18 anyway. But the thing is that I just really feel like it's punishing me and our boys (5 and 8) for something that WH did. But yes, I could maybe request a transfer and he could probably get another job fairly easily. But here's the thing - say we do all that and then WH can't keep away from his "drug" and then I'm all alone in a new city. I just thing it's such a huge risk when WH has been so erratic.

So he is not even honest about his affair. mom2redheads, in order to recover this marriage, some very serious, radical changes will have to take place or this will continue to happen. This is like a virus that just never goes away because you only take the medicine for 1 day. Nothing will ever change if you never change.

If it were me, I would kick him out and file for divorce after dealing with this for years. But, that is me. If you want to save this, we can help you. But it won't change unless you both get serious about recovery. And it sounds to me like you have just given up after all this time.

If you aren't willing to do anything to recover your marriage, then nothing will change. And that is ok. You can choose not to recover your marriage. But you have to also be willing to live with the consequences.

You have seen the consequences so far. This is your future. You have 3 choices: a) keep doing what you are doing and continue reaping what you are reaping, b) get divorced c) commit to doing what it takes to recover your marriage.

ITA. What stands out to me is everyone is living independently in the house. one person is going here, another there.

Ua time is the white elephant in the room. How can you meet needs if you two aren't working together on kids, MIL and other issues?

Just an observation from the corner....

CV

Let me get this absolutely straight....

...he is attracted to the affair becacuse she WILL spend dedicated time with him. I will be honest in that I don't.

Translation: I know how to work toward repairing our flawed marital dynamic, but I care not enough to make the effort, and...

If he's doing something I disagree with, I can't let it go. It's my personality. It works well at work ... but no so good on my marriage. I know that.

...I don't care enough to stop the DJs and AOs that are making things worse!

So if those observations are approximately fair and accurate, my only question for you would be:

IF YOU CARE SO LITTLE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, WHY SHOULD ANYONE HERE GIVE A DAMN?

And don't you DARE pull the "Oh, poor little female me!" routine in response - a (self-identified) "bulldog" would snap back!