I have been reading all about the Marriage Builders program on this site and am very excited that I too can have a Great Marriage. This is my first post as I need some encouragement and ideas on how to get my husband onboard.

A little background...

My H and I have been married for 25 years, we have 2 children, 1 boy 21 years old in the Marines stationed in Okinawa and 1 girl 15 years old a sophmore in high school.

We have had a rough go for the last few years, our son got into drugs, my H has been unemployed or underemployed, my mother-in-law passed away, my mother is terminal and has about 6 months to live. We have surely been tested and we are still together, but we are just getting by.

About the time our son got into drugs about 3 years ago, we sought out therapy to fix our son. We met with an addiction/anger counselor which was probably what has saved our marriage so far. We learned that there was nothing we could do to fix our son other than to stop enabling him. However, my H has had a long history of angry outbursts and I refused to live with it anymore. Both my H and I saw this counselor together for 2 years and my H has made huge improvements on his yelling when angry, but his anger is not completely gone.

We have developed this pattern of my husband having an angry outburst and me telling him I want a divorce. My H is tired of me telling him that, which I don�t blame him. I do not want to continue living like this and won�t. I want to make our marriage great, but it seems my husband is okay with going on as is, as long as I don�t say I want a divorce. He says that we should just fix this ourselves, without having to use a book. I have told him that our way hasn�t worked and I am trying to convince him to try this program. During the last couple of weeks, we have started reading Love Busters together, but it seems to be a slow process. My H is not a reader and I am, so I read it to him in the evening before bed.

We had a discussion this morning, and my H said that he is resentful of me saying I want a divorce and wants to get back at me. He wants me to start trying to meet his emotional needs and says I should know what they are without him having to answer a questionnaire. I told him I think I know what they are but it would be helpful for him to complete the questionnaire. For the last month, I have stopped all Love Busters but have not been meeting his emotional needs since he was in withdrawal. He says he wants me to try so that he can rebuff me if he wants to. He is hurting, so he wants me to hurt also. I would like to call a truce, but he is not there.

Reading through the Love Busters, I can see where I do a lot of them which triggers the angry outbursts in my H. As I said, for the past month I have stopped all LBs. He told me this morning that he if afraid that he cannot live up to my expectations for this marriage. It scares him when I say I want a great marriage. My expectations are that we stop the LBs and meet each other�s ENs and spend 20 hours of UA together. That, to me, would be a great marriage!

I need some pointers on how to get through to him. I found it hard, but not impossible, to stop the LBs when he was doing them to me this past month. This morning, during our conversation, I pointed out a couple times when he was LBing. He would stop and try to either rephrase or stop lecturing. But he would then complain on not being able to express himself.

So, what are my next steps? Do I start meeting his ENs even though he is waiting for an opportunity to rebuff me? If so, how do I do that without building up resentment of my own?

Please help me!

Kathy,
It's difficult to improve a marriage if only one spouse is trying. That said, you can still implement some of the behaviors recommended by the marriage builders program and, perhaps, your husband will follow your lead.

Have you read about the three states of marriage? State of intimacy, state of conflict, and state of withdrawl?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html

You also need to read about the love bank concept and start making deposits.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

If you learn the basic concepts and start implementing the marriage builders' principles in your behaviors, your DH will be more likely to move from the state of withdrawl or conflict and toward the state of intimacy.

It's great that you have been reading some of Dr. Harley's books aloud to your DH. If he's not yet willing to fill out the questionnaires, you can still talk to him about the concepts. If you have a good idea what his ENs are, you can try to fulfill those needs and fill his love bank with deposits.

You need to stop threatening divorce, especially since what you really want is to rebuild your marriage. This is a big lovebuster for him, just as his angry outbursts are for you.

One suggestion would be to copy out the section on angry outbursts (or leave the book open to that section) so that he can read it on his own. It may be easier for him to recognize this lovebuster in himself if you are not pointing it out to him.

More experienced members will be along to give you guidance. Good luck!

Kathy, what your husband means by "not being able to express himself" is that he wants to continue to engage in lovebusters. Unfortunately, that is going to lead to divorce if he doesn't stop it. Telling him you want to get a divorce is only you giving him accurate and truthful information. He can choose to change his behavior that makes you want to escape or he can choose not to. If he doesn't change, the inevitable result will be divorce. It wouldn't surprise me to hear that you are no longer in love with him at all, because he continually and now - purposefully - strives to erode any remaining love you have for him.

Telling him you want a divorce is like getting an overdraft notice from the bank. It might be unpleasant to get the letter, but not getting the letter would be much worse. You can't fix the problem if you are not aware of the problem. By telling him, you are giving him an opportunity to fix the problem.

And if he only wants you to meet his needs so he can "rebuff you," I would tell him no thank you. That is silly to imagine that would motivate you to do anything for him. Good grief.

My suggestion would be to follow the guidelines in Dr Harley's article about When to Call it Quits. [she saves her marriage and eventually gets her husband on board, by the way] Start off by giving your husband a "Plan A letter" which tells him that you want to be in love with him but that his behavior is eroding any remaining love you have, which makes you desire divorce. You want to turn that around. And here is your plan to do this: [write out the plan to restore love, which will look something like this]

1. stop all lovebusters

2. become experts at meeting each others emotional needs

3. spend 20+ hours of UA time together every week

Give him an opportunity to get on board. And if he won't do that, your best bet is to make plans to separate as Dr Harley suggests. The reason he suggests separation instead of divorce is because if you continue to live with someone who treats you badly or refuses to meet your EN's, you will eventually grow to hate him. When that happens, the marriage is usually over. This way, you separate before that happens, preserving the remaining love you have for him. And very often, a separation is the very wake up call a spouse needs to get on board. When to Call It Quits - Part 1

Thank you so much for the help. I really appreciate it.

I need to know if I am being overly sensitive to this or not. Angry outbursts are a HUGE lovebuster for me. In the past few days, my H has had 2 of them, but not directed at me or really anyone. Both times this happened he could not find something. He misplaced these things, no one else did. He swears, slams things around, talks to himself, etc. Tonight was one of these outbursts. Afterward, he apologized to me and said he wasn't mad at me. He could tell I was perturbed with him for having an angry outburst. He said he can tell this is going to be a problem because this is who he is and he has always been this way. It is true that he has been this way most of our marriage, but he didn't show this side of himself prior to our marriage.

We had a nice day today spending time with my mother and our daughter and then had a few hours together just the 2 of us. He spent the last hour of our time together having this angry outburst. This totally turns me off meeting any of his ENs. Should I pretend this didn't even happen and try to meet his ENs anyway?

Man, this is hard!

Kathy, that is the FIRST love buster I would focus on because it will erode the love in your marriage FAST. He will have to eliminate ALL such Lovebusters, and if he can't eliminate angry outbursts, he will need to go to anger management classes. And yes, you should say something about it. Keep it on the front burner until he eliminates them ENTIRELY. If he wants to stay married to you he needs to stop it NOW.

His angry outbursts won't be a problem if he stops them NOW. He needs to knock it off. Saying he has "always been like this" is no excuse for bad behavior.

This is not who he is, this is just what he does. It is a habit that comes frighteningly naturally for him. He can change this habit.

Translation: anger has always gotten him what he wanted, and he knows no other way to get what he wants.

But there is another way to get what he wants (and what you want) out of marriage, and it is the plan on this site.


Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

Melody, yes I agree he needs to stop them now. He says he doesn't think he can and that it is just him and I should accept it.

Markos, I agree it is not who he is, it is what he does. I will tell him that. Hopefully, I can get through to him. He seems resigned and doesn't want to make the effort. He says that it is always about how he isn't good enough and he has to do all the work. I tell him that I can see that I have done a lot of LBs and am working on not doing them anymore. I stress that I want to do this together, it is not just him.

I am a bit confused on Plan A and B. When I search for this, I just see this applied to an Affair.

Also, no matter what he does, do I still try to meet his emotional needs and ignore his LBs?

Thanks!

Well, if he wants to have a happy marriage he had better stop it. Even a monkey can learn new habits; he can learn to stop it too.


Did you read the article I linked, When to Call it Quits? It explains how to use Plan A and Plan B in non affair situations.


Oh no, DON'T IGNORE his lovebusters at all. In fact, you should not put up with them. The way I cured my H from angry outbursts was demanded he take me home [we were in the car and he was exploding at traffic] because he was so unpleasant I didn't want to be around him. Don't tolerate them! Remove yourself and let him know you won't put up with it.

Your husband is what Dr Harley calls a "freeloader". This is from Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

He thinks that will be okay with you.

Is it?

Yes, I have read the article. Thank you for the link. I think I now understand, there is a Plan A and B for the affair, and non-affair.

So, when he does the LBs, I have a really hard time meeting the ENs, like affection, SF, conversation, etc. I don't want to be around him.

Markos, no it is not okay with me, but I have not left him because of it in 25 years. I definitely think it is time for Plan A and B. He wants things to remain the same for him, but for me to change. I will change, but he has to also or I will not be around.

I'm a coward, and have been for 25 years. I feel guilty because he has no family left and has been unemployed or underemployed for years. I feel like I will be deserting him.

I am back. I just re-read my thread. My husband has been much better on the angry outbursts, but not much else has changed. It is not just him, we both need a plan to make our marriage better.

I did tell him that we need to have an actionable plan or I want a divorce. I want to do this program. He is hesitant but willing to give it a shot. The good thing is we are both motivated to have a good marriage. We are not good about making a plan ourselves and sticking to it.

He wants to see a marriage counselor and I said no, we will surely end up divorced if we see one. We have tried different counselors in the past, and I asked him to give this program a shot. I want to sign up for the Online Program, but am willing to add the accountability coach at a later date should we find we need one. I think we will. We have been trying to fix our marriage for years but have not been successful on our own.

I look forward to learning from all of you.

Have you seen this?

What to do with an Angry Husband