I recently separated for my husband. My two daughters (17,19) found a home and moved out away from the insanity. My husband is a truck driver and every time he would come home it was like we all walked on eggshells. He was angry all the time and yelling at us, calling us names. His constant frustration and temper reached a point where he was just yelling at me for no reason and then he bumped into me deliberatly walking into the kitchen so he was trying to make it physical. He has two domestic violence offences already. I have been through alot with this man, the alcohol thing, the affair thing (physical and internet). I have been there for him through thick and thin including two heart attacks and one open heart surgery. We have been together for thirty years. This last event I did not know why it happened but it truely scared me especially when he wouldn't let me out of the bedroom and he got right in my face yelling. Me and my daudhters spent the night at a friends house. We went home the next day because he was on the road early that morning. He wasn't expected back for four days. I don't know what happened in me but I knew I had to get out. My daughter found the house we now live in but we had to wait two months for the lady to move out but it was something I could afford by myself. During this time my husband tried everything to talk me out of it but he still was so angry. We talked about what happened and he admitted that he did not even know why he was trying to argue with me and he could not stop himself.I had to wait two months to move and he made our lives a living hell. I was taking psycology and ten weeks away from graduating with my associates degree. The last week of finals he did something to my lap top so I could not use it. Since my classes were on line through University of Phoenix I had to have my computer. He came home a few days later and with in two minutes he had my computer running just fine. The next week I could not access the internet, he took the modem so there was no internet access. This behavior scarred me and I could not understand it. Any way I failed my algebra class. That hurt me deeply since I've been doing this and working so hard for the past two years to accomplish something in my life besided working which I was also doing full time. Any way we have been separated now for a month and a half; he's already found someone else and my emotions are going crazy. One minute I'm relieved the next I'm mad, the next I'm crying. I know things will never be the same now and my daughters are so happy we are not together. While we were talking he was telling me how much he missed me and that I will never understand how much he loves me and that he will keep fighting for me until the day he dies. Mean while he's getting ready for a dinner date with his girlfriend. Tomorrow they are going to a Journey concert in Denver. Since we were kids Journey has been "our" band Steve Perry sings the greatest love songs. but I told him to get me a pick from the guitarist because I won't be there with him and he said that I will be there with him in his heart. Part of me doesn't want to let go but after 30 years I have to. He told me he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he will pray and hope to get me back some day. He knows all the right words to say but I can't believe he's out there dating already. I feel like I have been kicked to the curb and everything he telling me isn't true. He tells me if we were ever to get back together we would need some serious counceling. I'm so frustrated inside and my stomach is in a knot. I don't know what to do with my emotions.
Thank you, sorry its so long.

Stop. Just stop.

Stop calling, stop emailing, and don't have any more contact with your abuser. Call your local domestic violence center and find out if they have any kind of co-dependency group that you can join. You need to find out what's going on with YOU that you'd let someone treat you that badly. You may need anti-depressants. I was on two when I finally got the courage to tell my abuser to move out.

File for divorce if you haven't yet taken that step.

Google "Divorce Care" and find a local support group and sign up for the emails.

And then take a deep breath. It will be okay eventually. Life will get better.

Thank you kirby..Well I am on antidepressants and luckily thats all. I'm surprized I'm not an alcoholic or something by now. I have filed for a divorce the papers went to the court yesturday. I just need to figure out how to get him served. I have also taken the big step of getting a home for me and the kids. I think I'm on the right path. I can't help feeling anger or wanting him to hurt in some way but after talking to him yesturday I realized he will never have me again. I spoiled him after all back, legs, feet rubs practically every night (because like I said there was always something wrong with him). He had to take all his heart medication so I made him breakfast and coffee every morning before I had to go to work. I was always there for him. He will never have that again. thank you for your kind words and for being here for me.

petals,

As I'm sure you already know, it's not a linear path to recovery from abuse. You WILL have ups and downs, weak moments and strong.
Sometimes you will want to return to what you've known for 30 years. You can and should resist.

Seek help from an abuse counselor, and rely on friends to help you do what's right for you and your daughters. You need to end all contact with your husband.

You cannot trust or believe him. He is an abuser, and he knows from long experience which buttons to push to make you return. Change your phone number, your e-mail address, any means of communication he is likely to use.

You've filed for divorce, good. Let agents of the court figure out how to serve your husband. DO NOT do this yourself. Ask your attorney if s/he advises a restraining order as well.

This will all be hard at first, but without any contact you will heal much more quickly.

I am going to see if I can join a support group for divorced or divorcing people. I need to get out and interact with other people besides work. I don't like talking to people at work so I need to get my life going on and socilixe more, something I'm not used to. I know my husband is having a blast right now but the honeymoon will end and reality will set in.
Thank you for your help. Talking about this really is helping me see things clearer. It helps me remember how things actually were with him and what a lier and player he is. I just don't understand how someone can treat another human being like he has and I have done nothing but love and take care of him.

I do appriciate your time. Thank you again

he called me and told me how he missed me at the journey concert and how it was not the same. We talked about our feelings and he was talking about how we could repair our relationship and I'll admit there was a glimmer of hope in me that maybe it could work. Sometimes I would look at his pic on facebook and say a little prayer for him. Well tonight I looked for his pic again and he has changed it to a pic of him and his girlfriend. After talking to him for two hours about our relationship and the kids and him saying how much he loved me and how much he hurts because we are not together. He had already changed the pic.
I am so mad, I called him and asked him why. Why if he loved me so much why isn't there a pic of me and him on his facebook. I was so upset I did not even wait to hear his explanation, I just hungup on him crying. Why is it him and her,why did he change it today.

STOP!!!!

Stop calling him. Stop talking to him on the phone.

tonight I talked to my h. He was wondering about the divorce papers and whats going on with that. i told him we have less than ninty days now. He asked about an attorney and he is now going to get one, which is good. i'm not worried. he told me the ow told him last night that she loved him and they are now in a official relationship. He asked me if i knew anything about her, I told him i did not need to know and it was his buisness. He started asking questions about our relationship again and I had to keep him in reality by telling him he had amanda now. He started crying. He wanted to know if he could call me because he did not want to make the same mistakes again. He wanted to know if I was still going to be there. I told him I always have been and we could still be friends. I had to tell him why I left he did not even know. Hello! any way I'm really having to be strong right now but I have to remember what I do not have to deal with anymore and I am so relieved. I know for sure now my marriage is over. I told him he could not fix his marriage when he's getting himself and making the choice to get involved with other women. I told him the main reason why I left is i did not want him to die because I got tired of hearing him say he wished he was dead. Eventhough he was seeing a doctor and on antidepresants they did not work. As soon as I told him I did not want the hurt anymore we both started crying, I told him i did not want him to hurt any more and I wanted him to be happy. He had to hang up he was crying too bad. I don't know what is going to happen but I feel some closure for me. I know he will not be alone now

Well I have to make sure my H is served the divorce papers by this weekend. My attorney made an appointment with the judge for October 24th to do a status hearing to find out were we are both at. At first my attorney said it probably wouldn't be until the middle of November. So I'm very excited. Thirty years have ended. It hurts because I expected to be holding hands in my rocking chair on the front porch. Oh well at least I know i'll live the rest of my life in peace now without the domestic violence. I'm trying everyday to be strong for me and my daughters. My daughter does not want to meet my H girlfriend. She gets very angry when she thinks about him and the other woman trying to be another mother to her. she wishes I would find another man because she would not have a problem with that because she wants me to be happy. I don't think she wants her dad to be happy because he's hurt our family so much and she being 17 can see the player in him so this may be a tough step but to me when ever she is ready to meet her she will. I'm not going to push the issue. I'm trying to be positive about the situation and she knows her dad will always need someone so we'll see how it goes. I still have my ups and downs but I know we are in a safe place and thats what counts right now.

Good for you petals!
You have taken steps to end the cycle. I hope your daughters pick up the important lessons in your life and find mates who respect them and would never lift a hand to them.

~optimism

thank you for your support. I'm very sad today and have been feeling weired all day I think it is because it's Friday and I know I'm going to be alone the kids are all out with their friends. I know things will get better for me once I'm able to go out and have fun but right now until I get some bills payed off I need to stay home and keep my priorities straight. My daughters friend, who he doesn't know, served him the divorce papers today, maybe that's why I feel weird. He was quite upset and again reality is hitting him. He made a comment "how could you treat me this way after thirty years", oh my gosh I could not control my anger I exploded. i told him he's the one who does not have respect for me and our marriage and I'm not the one having affairs or getting involved with other people. "but I told you I can't be alone" that's what his responce was that's his excuse for doing what he's doing. Now he is planning on moving into where she lives. He does not make sence to me. Of course it hurts to think of him just having fun with someone else but I'm trying to be strong
but I do have my moments.

Thank you Opti, I'm so glad I am where I am right now. My H almost uses the other woman as a threat. After all since i don't want anything to do with him,she will. The more time goes by the closer he feels to her. I am not going to make any snap judgements and I know in my heart that we are done. His actions have shown me what he is truely like. He uses the excuse "I've always told you i'll never be alone" like that is supposed to make it ok for him to start another relationship after only being separated three weeks. He promised me he was going to go the therapy for his anger problems and that he was going to work on himself to make things right. funny tonight he was telling me how much he loved me as he was walking in his girlfriends door.
I dont understand

Petals,

Kerby got it right to STOP talking to your WH.

Right now you are suffering because of what he said to you as he was walking up the POSOW's door. Imagine if that conversation had never taken place. How much better you would be if you didn't involve yourself in his ramblings.

That's what a plan-B is all about it protects you from all that emotional stuff that does nothing but drag you down. If you want to get back with your H then have a list of demands ready that he will have to respond to before you consider reconciliation.

OTHERWISE DON'T TALK TO HIM

You can use a intermediary to cover necessary communications

So I had my H served divorce papers yesturday. He was very upset any way this morning I found them on my porch in the rain unsigned or filled out. He called and told me he does not want a divorce and he is not going to court. We have already separated, we have separated all our belongings. He makes it sound like he has millions I want when actually i do not want anything. He has nothing not even a retirement fund. We do not own anything, no stocks, no realistate so we have already divided everything we do have. I do not know what the laws are in my situation. I think he is giving up any rights he has? Does anyone have any sugestions?

You have an attorney, you have a court date. There is nothing you need to do at this time. You will be granted a divorce whether he shows up or not. The ONLY way he can postpone this is to contest it (which would require an attorney and showing up in court), but in any case he cannot force you to remain married to him. If he doesn't show up, be sure to ask for alimony.

Are you going to stop talking to him? You are prolonging your agony when you could be heading toward healing instead.

Thank you for the advice that makes me feel much better. I think he has set himself up for disaster but just like everything else he thinks he has control. Oh well I'm just going to take care of my things and not worry about his stuff. He has been calling my daughter more lately and she knows better than to discuss our situation. She has already told him she will not be the inbetween. I'll talk to my attorney tomorrow and see what I have to do if anything. Thank you for your support.

I am so proud of myself. I think things are starting to get to my H. He got a call from my attorney yesturday to tell him about a status meeting with a judge. He was very upset and angry. Oh well. Today he called me because he thought he was having a heart attack or he thinks he may be having heart trouble again. Even though he lives only three miles from me I did not go to his apartment to see how he was. I talked to him over the phone only.Usually I would stop everything and go to him and try to fix him but I didn'. I don't understand where his girlfriend is? He has already told me she would take care of him so where is she now? I went to my daughters parent teacher conferences and had a great time meeting everyone. I mean I don't know what he expects. Yesturday he mentioned in conversation that his workmans compensation attorney is going to wait to do the settlement hearing until after the divorce. I don't know if he meant to tell me that but wow really? I just want him to help with our daughter and even then he's only offering me 200.00 a month half of what the normal child support is. He makes $1000.00 a week truck driving. Amazing, oh well hopefully all this will be over soon. I do get sad and lonely but I would never go back. In time I know things will get better only time will tell.
Take care and thank you for your time

Petals, did you give your wstbxh a Plan B letter?
I don't think it's too late if not. Especially as you are now gaining some clarity from being away from him.
Your plan B letter may literally set the standard unattainably high (like mandatory 6 months of anger management classes and writing a discertation on the negative effects of committing domestic violence/verbal abuse, for instance). But at the very least, you need to make it clear to him that he is not to speak with you. Not about his health, not about his worker's comp case, not about anything. You'll heal more thuroughly as you cut those "conversations" out of your life.

Choose to speak with people who respect you for the strong, courageous person you are. And model for your daughter the attitude that women don't associate with people who have no respect for them.
kwim?
opt