We have been married for 29 years. 20 years ago I had an affair. (young and stupid).. I came home one day and told my wife that I loved her but was not in love with her. I left and moved in the the other woman. My wife fought to get me back and succeded is getting me back. Unfortunately, back then there was no internet to look up answers. We didn't even get counseling. Now, 20 years later, that monster is still there and has been affecting our marriage ever since. More her than me. Until watching one of the videos on this site, I had no idea just how much I hurt my wife and how much damage I had done. For that I am truly sorry. But, now my wife has had to leave to get away from me. She said she was almost to the point of hating me. Now I sit here trying to figure out what to do to repair the marriage. I don't know if too much time has passed to repair it. I read it takes 2 years to completely repair from an affair... so I have another 2 years to go now that we are finally dealing with it? Every post I have seen has been from a recent affair... how do you repair 20 years of damage?

Traveler, you can turn this around.

Why does she hate you? What does she say is pushing her away exactly? Do you ever see the OW? Who is she?

Will she come here and talk to us?

What makes you think it's the affair that is causing this? Is this a sudden change for her, or has she been saying this and moving in and out for the past 20 years?

No. I do not see the OW...

I don't think she ever recovered from it. She has not trusted me since. I traveled with my job for the last 20 years. Now I have changed jobs and I'm home every night, not just every other weekend. So now she has to face me every day. She has told me twice before that she wanted to leave me. I think each time she was unable due to finacial reasons and that fact she really had no where to go. She says I do not listen to her and that I have treated her like crap for years. We are not happy together. I would love to be happy.. have a wife that loves me.. but at the moment that dosent seem to be the case.. the affair seems to have amplified everything else in the marriage to the point she cannot stand to be with me.. although, she says she loves me.. but will not stay if I do not change... I feel alot of guilt and wonder if I can ever get over that.

You ask if she would come here and talk... I think not... she wants me go get counseling... and wants us to go to counseling.. but she dosent want to get councel on her own. Im a little confused on that one...

Have you done any snooping to see if she is having an affair?

NO...I have not done any snooping.. I don't think she is seeing anyone.. (famous last words)...

What is D-Day..??

Get counseling for WHAT? Can you describe the specific problem?

travler. I think your wife's story would have been my own if I had not found MB. Getting your man back AND recovering from the betrayal are two completely different things.

First you need to rule out an affair on her part.

Keep reading here in the meantime. It will teach you how to rebuild your love.

I am getting past it more and more each day... thanks to MB. But I could never have done it on my own.

D-Day = discovery day. That day you found out.

Traveler,

20 years ago I had an affair... I came home one day and told my wife that I loved her but was not in love with her.

My Ws affair with OM2 was 20+ years ago.

My wife fought to get me back and succeded is getting me back.

I just ignored and went on with my life, sort of but not really.

that monster is still there and has been affecting our marriage ever since. More her than me.

Did you give her the complete truth about what happened? Or did you accept that because she didn't ask you don't have to tell?

With my W I just swallowed it figuring that since she was so much more attractive then me it just balanced the scales between us somehow.

... how do you repair 20 years of damage?

I'm asking that myself, perhaps do like I did plan A your spouse without any expectation of her doing the same, be the person you should have been for the last 20 years.

One of the things my W did admit to was that our sex life was never the same after OM2. I have a difficult time with the fact that for 20+ years my W had a much diminished attraction for me. Perhaps your W regrets that she was not sexually comfortable with you for 20 years. I'm not sure how to give years back to your spouse.

God Bless
Gamma

Traver, you might try counseling with Steve Harley of marriage builders. He would counsel you alone but would give you both a plan to turn your marriage around. He would want to talk to her to get her perspective, though. He is extremely effective and wont waste your time with a lot of psychobabble. He will assess and give you a plan. He is really, really good.

I second that opinion.

So now you are home with a women who waited for years to have a marriage, and you don't know how to? I am sure she is full of resentment.

Restore romantic love, thats the answer, but how? Well you can't get back the 20 yrs, but you can make the wait worth it, if you start now to fill her Love bank. Court her, get her roses, ask her out to dinner, do things you know she likes.

Be ready to get treated like,"To little to late", but don't let that stop you from becoming a different person than you have been.

Dr H can help with the resentment, and get and read the books, LOvebusters, and His needs Her needs, along with the workbook, and make it a new beginning, or maybe we should call it, "A long awaited development", of your marriage.

You are lucky there is no affair, and I hope you have ruled that out. Emotional needs are powerful things that suppressed hurt many people, and do cause resentment, and lead to inappropiate relationships outside of marriage.

Have you read the Basic Concepts from the top of the page?

If she was stuck with you for 20 yrs post affair she deserves to be treated like a queen. If resentment is hanging in the air, you need to deal with it and create a romantic marrige. Only you two can do it, together, and willing to make the promise of life together be what it should be.

Its never to late to make a good decision.

Why did your WW say that SF was never the same?

traveler-

A few years ago I was watching a Dr. Phil show where a husband and wife were there to try to figure out how to "fix" their marriage several years after he had ended his affair and confessed it to his wife. He couldn't understand why his wife couldn't "get over it" especially after all that time.

Dr. Phil put it very bluntly. He said "Until your wife believes in her heart of hearts that you understand the pain that you caused her, she will NEVER get over it."

Basically, you dumped a truckload of sludge on your wife...and you have been wondering ever since why she hasn't been able to swim out of it.

Thanks for the kind words pokerface... it seems that making sure she isn't having an affair is a re-occuring theme here. I've had my suspitions... most of which I filed away as my own paranoia. She tells me she is not. (I asked) Im not sure if I would really want to know or not anyway. I was the one that strayed before and crushed her world. How could I blame her for seeking companionship somewhere else after that. There has to be a new starting point somewhere that the past gets cut out of the picture and you can start fresh.

T/J Johnstwin!! Hi! Where ya been? It's so good to see you! Don't be a stranger./TJ

Travler, basically it sounds as if your wife has been harboring resentment over the fact that your adultery was swept under the rug for all these years. She has been filtering every interaction between you through this knowledge. She believes you have treated her like crap for many years. Dies she tell you specifically what you are doing?

It sounds like she has completely withdrawn from you. Can you save your marriage? Yes starting with dealing with that huge elephant you've been living with all these years. Your wife is not here, you are. Take the lead by making changes within yourself and how you treat your bride. You can lead her to Marriage Builders by example. Start with coaching with Steve Harley. You need a jump start to start.

Now if you discover she is having an affair, it's a whole different ballgame but one that would still require changes in you.

Call the coaching center today.

Asking her if she's having an affair and checking to confirm it on your own are two different things and may well have two different outcomes.

I agree that a serious rift was created in your marriage after your A. I think it can be recovered, but not if she's in an A. That's why I'm suggesting you rule that out. (NOT by simply asking her!)

The fact that YOU had an A doesn't give her the green light to have one herself. It's not a matter of tit for tat. (Not sure I'm going to get that expression past the censors )

" I traveled with my job for the last 20 years. Now I have changed jobs and I'm home every night, not just every other weekend. So now she has to face me every day"

Believe it or not, this has caused more damage to your marriage than your affair. It has prevented you from ever overcoming the affair and created completely detached, independent lifestyles. To her, I imagine it is like a new strange adult moved into her house. You have just been a visitor for 20 years. I am surprised she tolerated your traveling all these years. Didn't that concern her since it was so risky?

And I agree with the others that you should investigate and rule out an affair.

Traveler,

Okay so here you are now and it looks like you need a good plan to pull this marriage out of the ditch........
You have landed in a very good spot, there are many compassionate people with huge amounts of knowledge.
I would suggest you go print the questionaire about meeting emotional needs and start there, together fill them out and see what you have been missing, sometimes what you think your spouse needs from you isn't what they need.......
Then ask your wife if there is anything she wants to know or question you about the affair, be totally honest with her..........
She has probably imagined all kinds of things that might not even be true.......
Then you focus on how she tried to heal from all this over the years.......
Ask her if there is anything you can do now to help her that you are willing to do whatever to make her feel better.........honesty is key always now, she doesn't trust you, have you been totally transparent, give her all access to everything you do, any conversation you have with anyone else, make sure she always knows where you are and with who, never do anything to let her doubt you, never be in contact with any other woman alone, never discuss anything personal with any other woman, put the boundaries in place...........make sure she knows what those things are and that you understand how the affair happened and you will never let it happen again.........
Slowly you start to turn things around by being the man you should have always been, take her feelings into consideration always, don't do anything that is not for her ............fill the needs her way.......make sure you show affection, talk to her, listen to her.....try to have some recreational time together, just enjoying each other......start there, over time everything else will fall into place......
Even if she has strayed herself, be understanding and compassionate.......
She is hurting by the betrayal, she doesn't trust anymore......she doesn't believe anymore.........
You have to show she can, that you are truly sorry and that you understand what you did to her emotionally .......You have to make sure she knows you will not and could not make that choice again, that it was a huge mistake and that you are lucky that she gave you a chance.
Tell her that you made another mistake by not working through it at the time. that you shouldn't have let her heal on her own......
I would suggest you start with Dr. Harley he can put a plan together for you and coach you on how to proceed and break through all the anger and resentment your wife has, I think you will see how you can turn this around, she says she loves you she is just afraid to do that she is afraid of being hurt like she already was once..........
Stay here for support, maybe some time in the future she will also speak to Dr. Harley or come to this site to get help herself.......
good luck and welcome aboard, this is the first step it is never to late to right a wrong............