If you've read any of my recent posts, you know where I am at. I know, I am lazy and don't have a profile. But, in the last couple of months I think I have learned to let go or something. I keep trying to figure it out. Is it denial, relief, escape. I don't know. These are all negitives, so I start looking elsewhere, because these just don't fit. After awhile, I think we begin to find security in our hurt. I really do.<P>Maybe others can help me see what I am missing. I don't know if I want to be at peace without really knowing why. My W and I now share a friendship which is open and honest. We talk of dates we have that are going nowhere and why. Are we trying to tell each other things with protection? I will tell you that I can do this now without the whompity, whompity in my chest, like before. Even when she tells me of someone she's had fun with. I don't feel the anxiety or insecurity I did before. <P>She has had some medical probs lately, nothing serious, but she needed hugs for it. I gave them and told her she need not feel like she owed me, to feel guilt for needing the attention, or that she should feel weak. I told her I did it because I care and always will and that I never need to be paid back. I believe this because she doesn't reciporicate, and it doesn't hurt. I am told I am being used, that I enable. But I don't let affect the rest of my life anymore. I now live it in conjunction. I would have to anyway... we all have to, but I feel like I have made the choice to replace the bitterness with kindness. When I can, I help. I have boundries. No longer will I withold care or love to punish or get what I want. I do not know what this means for her, or for us. I know it makes me feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life. I sincerely believe it will only help my W in HER journey (despite my honest wish that our family stay intact). My W was a friend before we were married, I saw the pain, the problems, I took the risk anyway. I thought I could help, I thought she could see what real love was, though maybe I didn't know either. I suspect I am learning now. I still have the same goal and I still want to share it. This may be the only way I can. Irony doesn't begin to describe it. If this is my role so be it. <P>I receive replies of suspecion often when I post something like this, but take a moment and look at your situation and what the ulitimate goal is for YOU. I also wonder if true reconcilliation is possiable without seeing the spouse as a real person... and not as an object or goal. How much do you really love them, do you love enough to let go? Yes, I do. <P>On paper, I fear that our marriage will soon be dissolved. I will miss that. I also know I will never withhold honesty or love because I WANT something. If I do again, I will ONLY have myself to blame. I don't think I can go back now and undo the work I have done. Yes I have needs too, but I can't bring myself to believe that I can receive them without giving my all, without fear of being hurt.<P>Feedback?<P>Eric32

WOW!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I receive replies of suspecion often when I post something like this.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not from me, you won't!!<P>Thank you for this wonderful post. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Eric,<BR>It really sounds to me like you have almost completed the emotional divorce from your W already and are choosing to remain a friend to her. If a marriage must end, it sounds like you are handling it in the best possible way - especially if the two of you have children, you will always have some kind of relationship - so why not make it positive instead of bitter and hurtful.<P>Two things you say make me believe you are going to be fine: 1) You love and care about her, but "don't let it affect the rest of your life" anymore and 2)"I will never withhold honesty or love because I want something" - yup,if you can really do both these things simultaneously you have accomplished much. <P>Thanks for your post Eric. You have much to feel good about - I am sorry it appears to not be working with your wife, but you will live to love again with someone who will meet your needs....<P>Take cAre,<BR>Starpony

HI Eric, I agree that some seem to hold onto pain-it almost becomes the favorite security blanket (a way of life). Then as soon as they feel secure in the pain, they are expeted to let go of that too? Well, is that not part of the growth process? Unfortunately some are stuck in the pain, refuse to let go, are fearful of what they may see. For me, it would be a horribly bitter way to live.<BR>If you have boundaries and gain some peace from helping, then I don't think you are an enabler. I think that you are more in touch with your own needs...you are her best friend. Sometimes that works for an intimate relationsip, but I think it only works when both are mature and very loving. I cannot work when one is selfish? <BR>cl

cl,<P>Do you know my W, Terri?! Thanks for the reply.<P>Eric<P>

Eric, I have read all most of your posts with great interests and I even went all the way back to the early ones. You did plan A and then plan B and still your marriage may not workout...But you have now reached a point of great friendship. I have to say I see my situation being very similar to yours. Check out my latest update on another thread. But, I suspect I will eventually find my way back to my future ex-spouse with friendship and love, because yes our relationship was best friendship before it was romance. She loves me, I really love her deeply, but her type of love will not allow us to be a couple. I am glad to hear about where you are at, it gives me some weird kind of courage that I will be okay with her down the road. Now to just wait for that time that is needed

Wow, that is exactly what I say. That is some post...such an unselfish post. You really sound like you have it together. There are no boundaries to your (to a point) feelings and showing them without resentment, fearful, to profit in anyway. Your love for her and yes, for yourself is self explanatory and exceptionally sincere. You have let go and have become what you truly can live with without any negativity or hatred. You can now move on ...with love...you can now let go...with love. You have truly forgiven her and yourself for the past. Yours is a truly nice post showing how a person can continue to move on with the forgiveness and love that you have shown on your post. What an inspiration.

My hat's off to you Eric! Such an accomplishment!

After reading Eric's post, I can see what a wonderful place he's in right now. I'm sure it was a long, hard road. And it makes me see how into myself I am right now. This is a place that I don't want to be. I want to be a giver and to be able to give easily. I wish this for myself and everyone in this forum. Thank you, Eric, for such inspiring words.