Amy,

just so you are prepared... There may very well be a lot more you find out than you thought. He may have info you were not aware of. If not, ok, but be prepared just the same.

CV

And I think you should be present when the call is made. Make sure he doesn't minimize or downplay this at all.

CV

I looked up the phone number and saw him call it. I will be listening in on speakerphone. I even paid to get a full background with his phone number so I will know it's him.

In the polygraph I asked if he had seen the other woman in person in the last 2yrs. I also asked if he had sexual contact with anyone besides me in the last 2yrs. I asked if he was hiding anything that might be hurtful to me. He passed on all of those questions the guy said. The ones he DIDN'T pass were "Do you believe you were in love with OW?" He says it's complicated because he loved how she made him FEEL, but he wasn't in love with HER. I don't know what to believe. The other one was "have you had oral sex with any other woman besides the OW, the prostitute and your wife since you've been married" and he failed that one every time. I'm not sure why since he passed the "are you hiding anything else" question and he had told me some pretty horrific things- why would he hide that? He told me that he performed oral sex on the prostitute and he had not confessed that detail to me as of the poly so maybe that is why it showed deceit? I don't know.

He doesn't have a problem exposing this to the OWH at all, but if the OWH is mad enough he can call and try and mess with his job. I guess I get where he is coming from, because if he loses his job then there goes any money that I would be getting from him for child support and alimony. We need every cent out here to support our family of 6 and if that goes away, we (I) am totally screwed. So, I guess he wanted to make sure it was worth the risk to his job by apologizing. I do think he's being sincere about that because when he came home he promptly called the OWH at work without hesitation. (They were closed, but he's calling again in the morning)

Amy, it will be important that you speak to him yourself to make sure that he is given all of the information about the affair. You also need to find out from him the truth about the "divorce" and his marital status.

I am not impressed with your husband's sudden "concern" about his job. He wasn't concerned when he was screwing around with the ho, [when the OWH would have the most reason to stir up trouble] so why would he be concerned when he is calling the man to apologize? That doesn't make sense and makes me wonder if he is not still in contact.

Secondly, I would strongly advise you to make it a condition that your H get another job. A serial cheater has no business in a high security job. That is not good for your marriage because you can't monitor him and certainly not good for his employer, the US taxpayer.

Your H needs to have a job where he has to be completely transparent with you. I understand you need his support and that he can't just quit, but he can start looking for something else now. And perhaps even consider starting a business together where you can be with him 24/7.

That still doesn't fit, though. When that is the case, there is mild resistance at first, but the WS pretty quickly agrees to the exposure because he has nothing to lose. Might be unpleasant, but so what? It is quickly over. The affair is over, after all. The only time I see this kind of resistance is if there is still an ongoing affair. I hope I am wrong, but to see a wayward go to this extreme is very, very troublesome.

He is looking into having them block all sites except for ones I approve for things that are necessary for his job and this will be ok with me as long as I have verification from someone high up that this was done.

He was never opposed to exposing to the OWH, he was just worried about what he may do out of anger. Honestly, if H loses his job, we (I and the kids) will be SCREWED. So, he wanted to make sure that the tiny risk of the OWH doing something was ok before he called. I guess I appreciate the say in the matter because if he called and exposed to OWH and then lost his job I would have been livid. I know he didn't think about any of that before (his job, her life, his life, any of it) but he claims that now when seeing clearly and trying to be a faithful and good H, he does care and wants to be transparent. The job issue is a big one because I need the money from it if I'm on my own.

The polygrapher was asking the sex question in a lot of ways to try and catch him if he was being dishonest. He asked about sexual intercourse, touching, oral sex, etc. The only one he kept failing was the oral sex. He was omitting the oral sex with the prostitute (well, told me she gave it to him, but didn't admit to the other way around also) so I don't know if that was why. He didn't want to offer up that detail right away because he knew it would be very painful since it's so intimate. He never lied about it when I asked him, he just didn't offer that detail up. He said he is more than willing to take another polygraph whenever I want to do it.

He had an appt with our awesome therapist tonight. (She's a PhD and really experienced and good) He talked about exposing this to the OWH and his concerns with his job and she thinks those are valid and something to really think about. When she learned that the OW is a cop, she was extra concerned about the exposing. Last we knew they were "in the middle of a divorce". If things are still being fought about and there are issues back and forth, everyone is worried about a revenge taking place there. I'm not sure what to think about what is best......

Just as an FYI - many companies security blocks only work on IE and do not work on Firefox, Chrome, or IE running a Chrome shell.

Facebook is blocked at work, but I can access it through Firefox on both of my corporate PCs.

Ok just a thought. In your husbands original post there was something about. "Experiment " that he would not go into here but that you knew about.

Could that have been the oral he kept failing? Possibly with anouther man. Either receiving or giving? Also possible childhood memories you don't know about?

I think knowing even if it is the worst you can think of is better than not knowing.

I am not surprised he has enlisted her help in avoiding this exposure. Your husband is terrified for this OWH to find out. He doesn't need the help of a therapist to do this but is enlisting her help in another attempt to avoid it. He first looked for cover behind your skirts and is now looking elsewhere when that didn't work. As long as your husband refuses to tell the OWH, he is still wayward. He is lying to his victim. He is not scared in the least about his family, he is scared for HIMSELF and most likely the future of his affair. As long as the OWH knows, he is not free to continue his affair with her.

\

In the middle of a divorce = MARRIED. You are being gaslighted, Amy, and I would strongly suggest that you call the OWH yourself TODAY.

If your husband is so scared of the OWH, then not telling him is the worst thing you can do. The reason is because the OWH is going to find out eventually and you won't have any control over when that might be. He will just have to go along and wait for the explosion. However, if YOU, AMY, call up the OWH, tell him about the affair, he will be less likely to do anything that would harm you and your four kids. Not telling him is the stupidist thing you can do because it will be worse if he finds out on his own.

Amy, I would be calling the OWH THIS MORNING before your husband can get ahold of the OW and forewarn her. I guarantee you they are still in contact and that is why he is PEEING HIS PANTS over telling him. It would ruin his affair and he doesn't want that.

Just get it done, Amy.

Amy. This is not solving the problem...it is trying to cover it up. Are you going to spend your life worrying and looking over your shoulder waiting for the truth to come out? But you won't know when or from who? It will be an even bigger scandal when it does finally surface and you will now be involved because you willingly helped to cover it up.

Schlag needs to either quit his high security job or come clean with his employer and ask for a transfer to another position. That would be protecting his family.

Think about it. This is just a big cover up and that usually backfires. You are now a participant.

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I think if you were the BS and you were trying to save your marriage and your WS would not stop seeing the affair partner you would do what you had to do as well to stop that relationship, WS's won't just stop if you ask them, they are affair fogged out not thinking rationally..........Sure you could sit back and hope that they stop but maybe all that will happen is they fall deeply in love free without any interference from you..........
Or you could make the affair known to their families and children who deserve to know their lives are in jeaporady..............Families lives are at stake by the affair happening.......
Many times a conversation with a mother or child brings the WS back to their senses...........Affairs are fantasy there is no real life experience with it........so of course it is all nicey, nicey.........
When the affair couple has to actually think about the real life issues they would have they think clearer about their choices in life..........If the people you are hurting know It is a lot harder to do that..........
I think the exposure at work only happens if the Affair couple works together, recovery can't be successful if they continue to work together lots of times an employer can help separate the couple so NO CONTACT can be put in place for the recovery..........
It is not done to harm anyone it is done so others can help the BS save the marriage and the family........
I think if you were having an affair you would have already come to terms with being embarrassed in the event of it becoming public.........
That would have been a consequence you had already comes to terms with before deciding to have an affair while you were married so that embarrassment would lie on your own shoulders no one else........
Sure a lot of marriages are in trouble before affairs, but we all take vows that say through better or worse and this falls in the worse category and that doesn't not give you the right to have a relationship with anyone else while you are still married.
you sign up for marriage knowning that your spouse should respect you and honor you............
In any situation you have to know what you are up against in order to protect yourself and your family in order to put a plan together to save what you view as valuable........When a WS is lost like they are in an affair sometimes the BS has to be the strong one and carry them until they find themselves again, the BS is only trying to do that to save their family and the WS from the destruction of themselves..........
I think if you were in that postion you would do whatever you had to do to save your family..............any good leader or partner would do the same thing

You are right, it doesn't make sense that he passed the "are you hiding anything else" question when he was indeed still hiding something.

Was your polygrapher certified?

It sounds like he/she asked a laundry list of questions, and I can tell you when I was researching a poly for my STBX, the two people I spoke with were emphatic that they would only do one area of inquiry per test or else it would reduce the accuracy. I found a website that basically describes what they told me.

Link: http://nycpolygraph.com/Infidelity.aspx

If you look in the Operation Investigation forum, chickadee posted the questions that the examiner asked her H, all the questions were regarding whether her H had fully come clean. I do believe your WH still needs to take that exam from someone who is qualified to get to the bottom of whether you have finally gotten the whole truth.

I am in agreement with everyone else that the OWH must be told.

Recently I read a great older post from Mrs W to a BS who had been convinced into going along with not exposing to the OPS. Wish I could remember what thread it was so I could cut and paste it for you.

Amy, I hope you realize that this is not the first time a WS has used these excuses to NOT expose to the OPS. Very often the violence/retailation card is used by the WS. This is nothing new and it's a wayward tactic to scare the BS.

The worst thing you could do with a wayward is help them cover up their crime. And just remember if you go along with this you now have become a partner in the victimization of the OWH.

IE is the only browser that is installed on his computer at work and he can't install anything else without admin privledges which he doesn't have.

I know all of the details about that and it wasn't oral sex...also the childhood stuff I know too and I feel confident that I do know all of it.