(sorry this post is so long)

Thought we were just in a tough spot in our 20 year relationship and 17 year marriage.

I�m leaving-you-day was October 7.

May/June this year, when the wife had stated that she was not happy in the marriage and was thinking of separation, I didn�t want that at all. I thought we could do better, but thought we were trying together. She was back in our bed. She didn�t mind my snoring as much and we were having regular relations again. But the damn cell phone and texting was always taking her attention from me.

Then five or six weeks ago she abruptly left our bed for the couch again.

She cleaned out the joint account of all her contributions to our two income financial survival. I lost my cool and couldn�t understand what she was doing. I couldn�t pay Mortgage on time and have been struggling with all the other bills these past few weeks. WW hit me with the I�m leaving you because a whole host of crap that amounted to I suck.

But she definitely let me know she was not in love with me anymore. My response was telling her about our vows, how it doesn�t have to be like this, I was in this for the long haul� Blah, blah�Think of the devastation to our family, I still Love You, and why can�t we work through this?

Coming home from work she had basically stopped doing anything and just watching me do all the dinners, laundry and dishes every night while she caught up on face book and texts in between watching TV all night. Basically not leaving the living room all night other then baths and work. This went on for a while but I was feeling that things were starting to get better while she was tapering off the high dose of medication..

Just this past Thursday after I went grocery shopping just to make sure we had enough in the house to eat for the next few days. She asked what am I doing? As I�m putting groceries away and starts asking questions of me as to what my future plans were? Is she getting an apartment or should she try to refinance the house? I�m feeling devastated again and go upstairs and we talk more. I�m still doing everything wrong asking for another chance at this and finally pull out the gift I bought her a while ago but hadn�t had the reason or occasion yet.

She breaks up crying and finally tells me about the affair!

Man, what a fool I was. The lies and betrayal have me even more devastated. Why didn�t I see this? I guess I was just walking the walk of death to our marriage. So I finally find out that this has been an EA with the Om that has turned into a PA. Turns out this POS is an old F-ing boyfriend from High School, before we even met . And he is married with two children of his own .

This damn EA/PA has been going on since the beginning of this year and they were consoling and counseling each other with how each others relationship has been. I finally know now that it was way more than a kiss from Om BS and probably EA/PA before I even was talked to in May about her unhappyness. Supposedly they were both cooling off and trying to work on their own marriages before the PA, but I�m sure that�s all BS.

She told me that only her and I know about the affair and that was BS. Even my own kids knew about the EA from the messages she read on mommy�s phone. Of course mommy put a password lock on her phone promptly after that. I�m thinking everyone of her friends knew and so does her family and no one told me! I feel so used and stupid.

I asked for NC and Wayward spouse agreed, however has changed mind and has not broken off the affair/contact and willing to be committed to the marriage. Has not stopped talking and texting this POS. She is still his friend on face book.

Neither the WW or me can really afford the house alone and I�m torn as to what I should do concerning the financial situation as well. Most all the debt is in my name only except for the house, for I was a fool and put most in my name for better finance charges. I know I should get myself together and start moving on. It�s just so hard to realize everything I had counted upon has taken such a nose-dive. My girls say they hate what she is doing, but she is still their mom and WS says she doesn�t want to put the screws to me, but I can�t believe anything she says anymore. She has moved past the point of caring what me or the kids want.

Please, will someone stick a fork in me? Am too late? I think I was doing the 180 during our reconciliation period because I didn�t understand why we could not connect sincerely and actually drank more into my own depression.

Now since I know about the EA/PA, I see now that I did everything wrong. It feels like I have lost her now. Before she admitted A, I cried and apologized for all the hurt I put her through over the years due to her laundry list of items she could just recite at will. Half true and half not so true, but I didn�t care, I took the blame. I feel as though I wouldn�t have done everything so wrong if I knew about the EA/PA up front.

Someone hit me with some 2 x 4�s! I�m still sick and am still wanting this marriage to work even though I�m kidding myself.

She is going out with her close F best friends to another darn bar band concert this Friday and expects me to watch the kids again like before and already told me I can�t come.

Thinking I need a spine here, but I realize my drinking was a sin against her as well, and I do still love my wife. I also have bad feelings that she is even getting coached by someone close to her but not the Om. Maybe SIL (who doesn�t like me) or WSBF (who keeps taking her to these bars all the time.

I still keep trying to repair the damage in our marriage because we are still living somewhat together in the house because she knows I really don�t have anywhere to go and I just don�t want to leave.

I�m still trying to talk and she is just moving too fast for me. It�s been almost a month now, (and I know it will take forever)of me still trying to prove that I can be a better husband and even though I feel I at least owe this to our marriage, to at least do positive changes for me and the family, that she notices but is still moving on with her agenda of not continuing with the marriage.

I want to save my marriage. I'm trying very hard to show her this is not the best thing for herself or for our kids. If any of you can offer support, your help is appreciated.

Hi and sorry you're here. I gather your WW has an EA/PA with an old HS BF, promised and broke NC, and is otherwise acting classically wayward.

Can you possibly condense that down to about 3 paragraphs? Not many here are going to read all that, and I know someone is going to ask you anyway.

Married 17 - how old are you both? How old are your kids? Any history of infidelity in the relationship before this?

"WW has an EA/PA with an old HS BF, promised and broke NC, and is otherwise acting classically wayward."

Exactly! Why didn't I write that?

I will try to edit out my rant...

No history of infedelity before.

Married 17 years
Me 44 years
WW 42 years

D 12 years
D 15 years

UD99,

I am sorry you are here, but you've come to a good place.

Classic Wayward actions. Here are some questions you will need answers to....

Is OM married, does he live in your town, do you have contact information for OM, how much do your children know(you said they read a text), does she want to save the marriage?

Keep posting.

1) Is OM married?
Yes, and I decided to contact Om BS and she knew.

2) Does he live in your town?
Not same town, but only 10 or 15 minutes away.

3) Do you have contact information for OM?

Home number and address.

4) how much do your children know(you said they read a text),

They know now and WW is having big fights with youngest and eldest is bottling up. Everyone tells her it is wrong and she doesn't really seem to care. Tells them when they are older they will understand and more bull like how she would do anything for them. The kids will always love her because she will always be mom. But they are hurt as well and they know it is not anything about them.

5)does she want to save the marriage?
No she does not. Seems only I do. She says she does not love me.

It seems this whole thing started as an emotional affair through facebook. Would it be a bad idea to try and get her to fill out an Emotional needs questionnaire at this point? Even if under the impression that it could help me understand what happened as to how I was not meeting those needs?

Stick around and the vets will be here soon. They are putting out a fire on a different thread.

I know they will tell you the first thing to do it expose which will be hard and you will not want to do it but it is the first step to breaking up the affair. You cant get through to her at all untill the affair is gone and she is finished with withdrawl.

Thanks. And to the others input, thanks. I seem to have lost my manners.

I feel that most her side of the family and friends knew we were having issues and she was not happy. But I do not know who or if anyone knew about EA/PA infedelity. That she was killing our marriage without giving me a real chance to work on our problems.

Om BS said to me that she didn't want everyone to know in her end.

Hey, you dont have to have manners here....
This is where you can yell, scream, hollor, and cry. We wont tell.

I think Marital will be here soon with her starter kit..lol She is good so listen to what she says and read everything she links you to and you will see how to make progress.

Here is a video to start you out.
Here

Here is a link to the Carrot and the stick plan A. Good Reading.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725

Welcome to Marriage Builders, UnderDog. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here.

Your WW is in an affair. You've told her AP's wife. Your children know.

What did OM's wife say? How is she dealing with the A on her end?
Your WW refuses to end the A. Have you let her know that you will not put up with this? Let her know that you won't live with this. Do not allow her to contact him in front of you. Tell your children that their mother is doing a bad thing right now, but you're going to try to help her. LOCK UP ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW. She's already shown you that she will take money to finance her affair. Do not give her access to family money. Shut down accounts that you both have access to - take the money out and put it in a new account that only you have access to. Leave just enough (50.00, maybe) to keep the account open.

Close all of your joint credit cards. If you have balances on the accounts, tell the card issuers that you want the credit limit to be the balance owed. Tell them you want to be alerted to activity on the account. Close any other accounts she can access to get money. Waywards will bankrupt their family in order to finance their affair.

Skip trying to educate her with the ENs questionnaire. You can't educate a wayward when they're fogged up in an affair.

If she starts flapping her gums about divorce, let her know that you have no intention of divorcing. And if she pursues that whole silliness, you will pursue complete custody of your children, will not pay alimony, and WILL NOT GIVE HER THE HOUSE. She will be ON HER OWN.

You can kill this thing, UD. Don't be a wuss and be afraid of her anger. Be MORE afraid of life without her. She's addicted now. You need to help her with her addiction.

Hi underdog, welcome to Marriage Builders. The most effective weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Everyone should know of the affair, your parents, her parents, the OM's parents, friends, family, children, and the OM's facebook friends.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them ruins the fantasy. It is no fun having an affair when everyone is looking.

My suggestion would be to expose the affair in the same day to create a tsunami effect. Additionally, you should DEMAND that your wife end her affair NOW. Cancel her cell phone, cut off the internet, tell her under no circumstances is she to contact her scumbag in the home of you and your children.

To expose, I would make up a list of her parents, your parents, family, friends, the OM's parents and other key targets and call them all. Tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade the adulterers to stop it.

Go to the OM's facebook page TODAY and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD document for safekeeping. On the day you expose, send a private message out to all his facebook contacts [SPACE ALL YOUR PRIVATE MESSAGES OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO YOU ARE NOT SHUT DOWN FOR FLOODING]:

UD,

Listen to the last two MB and ML are two of the best. You have got to read SAA. Get that book here or at a local book store. Your wife, just like mine was is addicted. You can and have intervened, this will help kill the affair. Until then, be pleasant, be firm, be strong, and take care of yourself.

1) Expose.....

Keep posting. The next few weeks are going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions. You have help here.

What did OM's wife say? How is she dealing with the A on her end?
She seems stronger than me.
Om's wife stated that she is devastated as well and that she wants her marriage but says she is keeping her house and the kids and the Om (42) will live with his parents. Om told his wife that he had no intentions of living of marrying my WW.

Your WW refuses to end the A. Have you let her know that you will not put up with this? Let her know that you won't live with this. Do not allow her to contact him in front of you.

I wish I had read this before tonight. I stated to her that I wanted to make things right in our marriage and that I would do anything to make this marriage work like my quitting drinking. But I needed her to stop all communication with this person. We were already having problems but now WW is telling me that the talking and texting started in February.

WW didn't tell me seriously about not being happy in the marriage until springtime and we were going to work on it together. SHe was texting him in front of my face for months and even texted her goodnight, tonight while I was speaking with her. SHe stated that she was not willing to stop seeing this guy and that she loves him. She couldn't remember why she stopped with him over twenty years ago. She thinks she was just young and dumb she stated. Man if she could see how dumb she is now. But I guess I'm dumber for giving my heart. Ugh.

Tell your children that their mother is doing a bad thing right now, but you're going to try to help her.

OK
LOCK UP ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW. She's already shown you that she will take money to finance her affair. Do not give her access to family money. Shut down accounts that you both have access to - take the money out and put it in a new account that only you have access to. Leave just enough (50.00, maybe) to keep the account open.
I have done that already. For years she would spend every cent in our jiont account until I woke up one day with a mortgage and 50,000 in credit card bills all late and no money to pay them. I had to get a seperate account so bills would not bounce. It used to be that I had some money and could cover that stuff but she tapped me out and we have been kind of living on the edge here lately. But I'm not rich anyway.
Close all of your joint credit cards. If you have balances on the accounts, tell the card issuers that you want the credit limit to be the balance owed. Tell them you want to be alerted to activity on the account. Close any other accounts she can access to get money. Waywards will bankrupt their family in order to finance their affair.
She has been trying to bankrupt me for years and I took a lot of debt that she refused to pay on her credit cards atill theywere all 29.99% interest with klate fees and wrapped a lot of them into my name with a lower interest like 4 - 9% for the sake of our family. But she would always get more and would spend again. Right now I am still carrying about 30,000 - 40,000 all in my name. She just got a loan against her 401K to pay off some of her latest ones and 8,000 on one of mine. I talked her out of a new car and tried to get her focused on our debt.
Skip trying to educate her with the ENs questionnaire. You can't educate a wayward when they're fogged up in an affair. She didn't want to anyway and stated that she should go to her sisters after she did.If she starts flapping her gums about divorce, let her know that you have no intention of divorcing. And if she pursues that whole silliness, you will pursue complete custody of your children, will not pay alimony, and WILL NOT GIVE HER THE HOUSE. She will be ON HER OWN. SHe stated that she wants divorce and is willing to get an apartment if need be and has already started to get the house appraised to see if she could buy me out. SHe is kind of nuts.
SHe says that I have already WON the kids because she thinks they hate her and want to live with me. I can't pay the mortgage and this debt all by myself. Tommorrow is her payday and after her withholding family finances last month, I just can't take another hit and keep things floating.You can kill this thing, UD. Don't be a wuss and be afraid of her anger. Be MORE afraid of life without her. She's addicted now. You need to help her with her addiction.I'm thinking I did everything wrong. I have made life more pleasing here and the kids notice, but she does practically nothing here to clean or fix up the place. She has me by the do-dads big time. If I made more money I would have kicked HER out by now. SHe thinks she is doing me a favor by giving me a couple of months to figure all this out.

She can be very delusional when it comes to realistic finances. Did I mention she is on 300 mg of Effexor? I thought she was tappering down to 225mg but she said she went back up. Ugh!

Thanks for your advice.

I got all the facebook friends from Om scumbag's page. I'm not sure what will happen with wife's family and friends being that she had everyone all feeling sorry for her just 3 weeks ago because she was so unhappy with our marriage. I'm not sure if them finding out about an affair now would even phase them even if it was starting way back in February. But I will do it if it might help.

I had talked to Om scumbag's wife already.

Thanks.

I'm new *edit*

Insider - I don't think so. New, yes. It appears as though you are not familar with MB materials and principles. Have you read any of the material on this site or have you just jumped into giving your uninformed reactions and opinions to people who are really hurting and looking for answers?

Underdog, you are getting input from the most experienced people on here. They have a proven track record of busting up affairs and getting marriages on the road to recovery.

AM

*edit*

You have no experience, just reading things doesn't make you an expert or 'informed'.