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Joined: Oct 2011
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Hi Guys,

I don't know if you can help me now as this has been going for a while now and I tried fixing it on my own to no avail.

I was with my husband for 13years, married for 4. In 2007 I was diagnosed with depression and began becoming very distant from him as I partly blamed him for my condition. He never came to councilling with me eventhough I asked him too so he could understand what I was going through. His reason being that he did not want to be judged. However, he was a loving husband and would do almost anything for me.

My husband started to change his behaviour and I sensed something was wrong. I began noticing that he was spending a lot of time talking to one of my close friends of 8years at work. we all worked at the same place and still do (i know crazy. More and more scenarios were occurring to make me suspicous so I had to know one way or the other. I thought if something was going on between them he would try and contact her on a special occasion. Seeing as christmas was only days away. I took his mobile and replaced her number with mine under her name. Christmas morning arrives and I receive a text message while husband was in the bathroom...'merry christmas baby, wish I was with you.'

Instantly confronted him to which he replied he didn't do anything wrong. I proceeded to call his father to let him know that we wouldn't be joining the family for christmas this year as his son was having an affair on me with one of my so called good friends. His father was crushed and very angry with him for a long time.

I told my boss what was happening and that it may affect my work performance and i needed time off.
We went away to an organised christmas holiday where I tried to work things out with him, I didn't want my marriage to end as I loved him, had a great circle of friends, enjoyed trips overseas and had been relatively happy for most of the our time together.

Jumping forward in time, he moved into his brother's house who lives a couple of streets away and he is still seeing her but won't move into her place. He has told me things do not feel the same with her but she treats him like a king and there are many things he loves about her. She rubs it in my face whenever she can, carrying on laughing loudly and projecting happiness when I'm in ears distance. I hate her for what she has done. She envied me, saw what I had and wanted it. She use to be obese and spent many years losing most of the weight. was once married and has two teenage girls.Funny thing was, I was helping her with her long standing eating disorder by organsing for her to see my counciller...(who needs friends)

My ex still comes to visit me at work 'wants his cake and eat it too'' and acts like I'm his best friend...said it would be a shame not to be in each other's lives after spending so much together. Tells me that he still cares for me and does not want to get divorced because he will never marry again. It has been two years since we separated, I still hurt and think about it everyday. I thought about leaving work to get away from the situation but then decided not to as I was the victim, had done nothing wrong and was in a very responsible postion that I spent 10years getting to. I decided to walk in with my head held high eventhough it killed me inside.

I guess I'd like to know why he keeps a link to me?
Do you think they will last?
how can I make him realise what he has done is not right, should I stop all communication with him?
thanks x

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BTW,I forgot to mention that the brother that my ex now lives with hates my ex friend too for what she has done and is not welcome in their home.

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*edit*

Last edited by MBSeasons; 11/04/11 07:54 AM. Reason: TOS; disruptive
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Im_an_insider is a troll. Don't listen. There are a lot of good people around here who can help you! It is still early, not many people have had their coffee yet! So hang on!


Me BW (37)
WH (37)
DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr

A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow

Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
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Wow. Your husband sure is a cake eater. Since it's been two years, it sounds like you need to go to a dark plan B. You're doing something for him that she doesn't do. The Plan B will take that away from him. Will he comeback? Maybe but unlikely. However, the plan B will let you rebuild your life and get away from the crazy making the waywards and their affair toy are so good at creating. It's a win win for you. The plan B will let you recover emotionally so that if your marriage ends, you will be able enter into a healthy relationship with another man that will respect and cherish you.

Only you can decide whether it makes sense to quit your job - her throwing their relationship in your face is abuse. Subtle, but still is. The bad thing is you can't do anything about it legally.

Do you have kids with him?

If you do, are there any orders for child support or custody?

I ask this because one reason he may be dragging his feet is because he doesn't want to get hit with you getting custody of the kids and crushing child support.




Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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I wish someone would get Im_an_insider off of these boards. This person is constantly giving advice that doesn't mesh with MB principles. Sounds just like the hack I had the misfortune to hire in the aftermath of my wife's affair.

I don't know what he/she hopes to accomplish with the poor advice offered, but it appears to be the ramblings of a person that likes to hear himself/herself talk or see their rather insipid thoughts in print.

Cd, if you want to continue to wallow in misery, listen to Im_an_insider. If you want help in taking control of this situation, moving forward into a better, more fulfilling life, with or without your husband, listen to the folks who've been registered on this web site for more than a week.

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Originally Posted by Completedisaster
BTW,I forgot to mention that the brother that my ex now lives with hates my ex friend too for what she has done and is not welcome in their home.

Sounds like you should do a plan B. You want to send him the message that he cannot get what he wants as long as he is in an affair. I would also expose a little wider than you have if possible. Get his family to continue the pressure on him. Being mad at him isn't enough. They need to help pursuade him to end the affair.

CV


Celtic Voyager
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3 young adult children


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Originally Posted by Completedisaster
I guess I'd like to know why he keeps a link to me?
Do you think they will last?
how can I make him realise what he has done is not right, should I stop all communication with him?
thanks x

I'm sorry to hear your story. You have found the right place.

Your WH keeps a link to you because you still meet the EN that OW cannot. It also helps your WH to "justify" his own bad behaviour because he can tell himself that he is a good guy by remaining your friend. You are enabling WH by allowing him to treat you this way.

You cannot educate your WH about right and wrong. But you can show him that you will no longer allow yourself to be treated this way. File for divorce (it doesn't mean that you have to follow through if WH changes) and let him know that you will not be his friend.

Seeing OW at work each day must be eating you alive. Find a new job and start working on your own recovery.

Read up on Plan B. Do it right.



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I took his mobile and replaced her number with mine under her name.


I love this.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I wish I had thought about that. We need to put that under the investigation forum.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Question - are you still married or are you divorced?


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Originally Posted by Completedisaster
I guess I'd like to know why he keeps a link to me?
Do you think they will last?
how can I make him realise what he has done is not right, should I stop all communication with him?

Why does WH maintain a link to you? because you meet at least some of his important emotional needs. Click on the MB link to the EN (emotional needs) questionnaire, and fill it out from your WH's point of view. This is so you can ramp up a Plan A right before you Plan B him.

Plan A is both a carrot and a stick. (see the link in my sig line)
Increase your love bank deposits to WH for about 2 weeks.

Do I think WH and OW will "last"? Like in forever and ever? Absolutely not. I think your WH is happy as a clam having 2 women love him. As long as there are few real consequences to this, he will keep doing this. This is "cake eating". It's what waywards do when they hold onto their spouse and their OW at the same time. WH likes the triangle. The BW hates the triangle. The OW views the triangle as a competition and she tolerates it better than you do.

How can you "make him realize" what he has done is "not right"?
He already knows it is not right.
HE DOES NOT CARE. Cake eaters are lustful gluttons, and have no inclination to ponder right from wrong. Do not waste your breath/energy/time trying to educate a cake eater WH.

Should you "stop all communication" with WH?
Not yet.
But soon.

I strongly suggest you Plan A like a Diva for 2 weeks.
SET A DATE for Plan B.
Then, go as dark as possible.

Read up on Plan A first.
Click the link in my sig line.

Last edited by Pepperband; 11/04/11 10:47 AM.
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Originally Posted by pokerface
I took his mobile and replaced her number with mine under her name.


I love this.

Ditto!

BRILLIANT !!!!

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Originally Posted by Completedisaster
I told my boss what was happening and that it may affect my work performance and i needed time off.

It's a pity you only arrived here after two years of this A going on. Exposure of the A at your office, to your boss AND to HR would likely have had positive results, with likely the OW having to leave the job (it would be either the OW, or both yourself and your WH). That may have brought the A to an end pretty quickly.




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Originally Posted by Completedisaster
My ex still comes to visit me at work 'wants his cake and eat it too'' and acts like I'm his best friend...said it would be a shame not to be in each other's lives after spending so much together. Tells me that he still cares for me and does not want to get divorced because he will never marry again. It has been two years since we separated, I still hurt and think about it everyday.

You are separated.
He is NOT your "ex".
He is still your husband until you are legally divorced.
Is there some legal separation currently in place?

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Depression:

Are you getting treatment?
Are you exercising?
Sleeping?
Eating?
Getting out and doing fun stuff?

What is your current support system? Friends? Family? Clergy?

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Thank you all for your advice. I will instigate plan be this week and see how it goes. It really did crush me when I discovered the truth because it was double betrayal. I did resign from work but the owners didn't want me to go and finally persuaded me to stay. The OM even did my hair for my wedding and I was her boss at work.
I know the WM feels he needs to say connected to me maybe perhaps it doesn't work out between them. But, I cant kept being used as a doormat and yes it probably makes him feel less guilty for what he has done. I will start plan B and let you know how it goes.

I'm angry for my bosses not doing more when they found out too as my ex and I have both worked there for 15 years. Apparently you can't sack people for
having affairs? I do feel there were a couple of enablers that made ex keep up

I am deeply sad about the marriage ending and would have tried again to save it but that was impossible when the other woman was at work 5 days a week
the affair.

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Also, the ex told me several times during our separation that he wanted to try again but didn't know how to end it with her. That he wasn't himself when he did what he did and thought he had depression to which is why he did it. I said to him as long as he associates with her in any manner there is no chance for us. She walks around so fake, happy and over the top because she knew I had depression so tries to rub it in. She also lied to people at work as how they got together and they never started seeing each other until we were well separated.

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We are still married I wanted him to file and the get the proceedings going. I was going through too much at the time and felt that wouldb another terrible situation to handle. When I discovered the affair we were just about tostart a major renovation on our home.... Two storey, three bathroom, kitchen project. He left the house and the renovations for me to go through alone. We don't have children which I guess is a good thing but now I really worry I won't experience the love of a child. I'm 37 and my ex is 36. The scumbag is 38.

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