Don't feel guilty, you're doing the right thing to keep your family together.

Are you installing something?

DG, it is a virtue to snoop on your wife and find out what she is doing. That is not low, it is high. Are the cops "low" when they uncover drug dealers? Of course not. It is the same principle here. You have a right to know every thing your wife does since it affects you too.

If you have her phone, please go check into downloading spy software on it that will send you her texts. One good one is eblaster because it has a GPS. What kind of phone is it? you can get eblaster at spectorsoft.com

Snooping is a good thing, not low. Upfront people are fine with it. You can't invade the privacy of an open person.

another good one is flexispy. It is pricier but one version has a GPS in it.

I was planning on installing eblaster...Blackberry Storm....but how do I keep it out of the browser history?

Go to the browser and go to google several times until it wipes out the spectorsoft website. I think that will do it. But keep going back until it is gone.

Try a google search "How to clear history on blackberry storm" if the following doesn't work:

In the browser, press the Menu key.
Click Options.
Click Cache Operations.
Click Clear History

I just tried this and it worked perfectly! Thanks, North!

You can learn just about anything on the internet!

...not sure if that's a good thing or not

Okay....installed on her phone. Not feeling great about this.

Think of it as putting locks on your doors in your house. You are fine with that, right?

You are giving yourself home security...

This is marriage security. What's worrying you is not the act of doing this, but what you may find.

It will be ok.. one way or another. You need to be sure.

CV

Of course this is going to feel weird at first. Because what you're doing are the actions of someone who doesn't trust their spouse 100%. And you shouldn't! Look where that got you! We've all been taught about respecting people's privacy, but no one addresses 'privacy vs secrecy' in a marriage and why it is so important to be transparent to your spouse. They should teach this in high school!

It will become normal quickly, DG, and you won't find it strange at all. After the two of you have recovered you'll still want to do occasional 'maintenance' snooping. It'll be gratifying to you to see that she's hiding nothing.

Remember: Do NOT say anything if you find something! Bring it here! Don't even try to make a sly comment like "I know where you were today" or anything like that! You will drive her underground. Waywards aren't terribly smart as a species, but they've been known to pull some clever little stunts to hide their A. You may say something that will make it clear to her that you've been around her cell phone. And then bang! she'll buy a pay-as-you-go phone and you've just lost that avenue of intel.

I will give you an award for your acting performance if you are able to snoop without her finding out, how's that?

Wow...an award. Something to hang up, in my office?

You mean I've got to buy a hook for it, too??

Get snooping, friend!

That's strange. I never feel low when I look at my wife's phone or computer. Or vice versa. This is just the normal kind of thing that normal married people do.

Your wife is just living by a standard of marriage that is anti-marriage, making you think that knowing what's going on in each other's lives is reprehensible instead of intimate.

How's it going, DG?

Thanks, CWMI, for checking in. Had our first MC session this afternoon. Obviously, we didn't get too in-depth on much. And, it was a bit hard to hear she doesn't know MC will do any good.
But...the counselor had asked us to prepare a list of goals for our sessions. It was encouraging that we both listed "developing a stable home atmosphere for our children" as a goal. The topic of the possible EA came up. She tried dismissing it...claiming it was nothing...and I was blowing it out of proportion. I told her we really needed to clear the air on this issue, with some honesty. When I highlighted some of the things said in the emails...she seemed to back down a bit. But still, it is clear she doesn't want to admit anything was progressing there. The therapist also called her out on it...that opening up to other sex on marital issues, and expressing emotional connections (especially when both sides are doing it)...is a clear recipe for an affair. She called us both out to eliminate all exit strategies, for now. She appears to be committed to giving this a shot...so ...we'll see. We have another session scheduled for next weekend.

We had a pseudo-date night last night. We went to see Pauly Shore at the comedy club, with two other couples. We got along okay. We struggle with conversation, right now. But, it was wonderful seeing her laughing, and not negative..for a change.

MC won't do any good, and can be more harmful, although it sounds like yours isn't the worst. I'd try a few phone sessions with Steve here.

Date alone! Plan a date with just the two of you.

Anything from the intel? Don't be afraid/ashamed to check.

Thanks, CWMI. Nothing from the intel. And yes...I am ashamed to check. I don't really buy into the it's my "right" to check, forever more. We failed because of other issues, causing the trust issue. Trust issues weren't the cause of failure. IF we can address what caused the failure....and address for ever more....I should/would feel no need to not trust her. I know, I know...this site is chock FULL of "I told you so's" on this issue. But, if I can't have trust (once/if we get back to a healthy relationship), I can't imagine committing to it. Does that make sense?

Not sure I agree about the MC, at this point. She was definitely much more friendly last night. Maybe the doing SOMETHNG, versus nothing, helps in some measure. Baby steps, at this point.

The alone dates are needed, for sure. We did stop at a bar, on the way back from the comedy club (just the two of us) for a drink and nachos. Unfortunately, we are so stuck in the present (future uncertain, past is painful)....so conversation was strained. I thought the dual date would break the ice.