I've got a bat and an old metal chair. Great sound when I hit it.

Today will be my cool down day. I've got to regain my composure. I don't want any LB's.....

Let me make sure I got this right, my EP's do not qualify as SD on my WW. That is not a LB.??

Your requirements for her return to the marriage are not LBs. It is absolutely your right to be clear with her on what it will take for her to return. Your EPs are completely within bounds. A remorseful wayward would have no problem agreeing to them.

Keep the bar high. Don't let her reluctance at this point tempt you into adjusting your EPs to make her more comfortable. She's attempting to take control. Make sure she understands that this is not negotiable.

MB,

That's what she s trying to do. She wants to keep FB friends, wants to have contact with FBFF..... I've told her those are not acceptable. I told her she is not taking my mental health into account.

If in Plan A and she refuses one or two of them, then what? Do I stay in Plan A and try to convince her or jump to Plan B. She has no issue with NC of OM.

Second ?? In my AO last night I called OM, an A hole and said he used her, said he was a coward.... LB's?? Is it my right to say he is a POSM? Does that help me?

FBFF?

Is that female friend?

Tell her you want FB ended becuase you must be friends together socially

If she found AP on FB, then that is another reason to end it

Go with what MB says, keep the bar high

My thoughts on FB: it has become a huge fixture in our electronic social world. I can count on one hand the people I know who don't have an account on FB. Some of my friends who have FB accounts can't finish their morning coffee without posting a comment about how much cream they put in it. They would go into shock without their FB account. I don't get that, but I respect their need to be in constant contact with people over some of the dumbest interactions...ooops. That wasn't very respectful of me, was it.

I originally advised you to require her to maintain a profile pic that includes BOTH of you and to have consistent access to her account because I understand how endemic FB is. I did require my H to shut down his account, but he rarely used it, so there was no hesitation on his part. I was just trying to close every contact loophole I could think of when I told him to shut it down.

Here's the thing, though: A smart spouse will have a keylogger on the computer and spyware on the phone. I didn't have those things at the time. If you have spyware on her computer and phone you'll know quickly if she's slipped. I would shut down FB if she relapsed and tried to access OM's account.

That's just me.

You've already made it a requirement that she shut down her account. I am reluctant to advise you to alter that requirement because it will appear that your EPs are flexible.

What MB said...

First....

FBFF is female who helped her in the PA. I required she NC with her too. She confided to my WW about her ONS, so they were like partners in crime. Each kept the secret. FBFF wrote a note to OM, telling him how wonderful he made my WW feel, and that she hoped to meet him someday. No friend of mine would have ever done that......most of my friends would have punched me and said you tell Wife or I will. She is no friend to this family.

FB..... She is a well known poster on FB. Shutting down completely is almost impossible....FB never goes away. I have asked her to remove all FBF. She claims there is only one.....and that he is no threat. She dumped him. I have her PW's....I can check at anytime.

I will place a key logger on laptop. She uses phone most of the time. What is a good iPhone key logger?

I am holding strong to my EP's. If she can hold true for several months, they won't feel like such a restriction. It is her choice.

FB is a trigger for you, so that means she must delete her account or you make a joint account only.

All those who made the affair possible need to be NC for life, otherwise she isn't safe for you EVER.

We are sharing her account. I've told her if she deletes any PM, I change PW and she won't get on it again.

I agree with thosenwho helped. I used several analogies with bothnof them, but the bottom line is WW has to decide who is more important in her life. Those who hurt this family, or those who love this family.

BFF is blocked on cell phone and FB. A secrete email account is the only way FBFF could contact WW. She has to tell me if that happens.

I hope we can calmly discuss or top EN questionaire. Maybe that can wait a day or two. I don't want to overwhelm her. She will feel it is too much.

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement everyone. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Keylogger will solve the hidden email account issue.

You can wait for a few days on the ENQ. Let her sort through everything and come to the understanding that your EPs aren't unreasonable.

Suuurre, make her pinky swear that she'll tell you about any contact. You'll be confirming it with a keylogger and spyware on her phone that she doesn't know about. This is a must, Tex.

Monday....Monday......

As we are getting ready, she says... " I do understand the depth at which I have hurt you and our family. I wish I could not feel anything for him, I do."

What I wanted to say, " The more you think of that POS man the more he uses you, he tossed you out and ran like the coward he is".

What I said, " The longer you stay on our plan and work to meet each others needs, the less you will think and feel for him.. I Love you, and will be here by your side to help."

How did that sound?? I'm working slowly back to our ENQ.

Sounds like there is contact

Waywards are such children

Get some spyware on the phone and do everything to snoop

Tex ---

You should resist all temptation to criticize OM.
It puts her into a defensive posture, and will make her defend him - which again makes her think positively of him.

Let her process OM's betryal and abandonment of her sink in.

All women want to think that they are so special and wonderful that the man they "love" will love, respect and cherish them in return. It is a HUGE blow to her ego if OM dumped her.

Yes, I said IF -- because I highly suspect that she has either attempted or found a way to resume contact. Because there is no way she would let your texts to OM serve as her "closure". Waywards are very big on closure - they need to have that conversation that reassures them that the affair was sooooo special.

She will obviously come to the conclusions that OM used her, and tossed her aside, and that he's a piece of crap. And she is likely having that internal battle with herself. She misjudged her importance to OM. But its not a good message to come from YOU.

Because she's going to start questioning YOUR judgement. If OM didn't think she was worth leaving his wife for, and he easily tossed her aside - then that means she's not so special.
Why do YOU want her? Whats wrong with you - can't you see that she's not worth fighting for?

You need to have high boundries and standards, because if you make it too easy for her, she will disrespect you for it. She will think you are so deperate to keep her that you will ut up with anything.

(That's how waywards think....hope it helps)

By the way, I didn't see anything about your conversation with OMW. How did that go?

Lex,

I have been resisting my need to slam and defame his name to her.

I want to just say ... "Stop being stupid, he used you... sweet talked you right into bed with him. He was more than ready to have sex with you as long as it was safe. The second he knew I knew.... gone.!! What an A hole" He did this to his last wife too.... I like to throw that in there too. He is a two time cheater, and she is "in love with him" ... I think Sat. night I even said.... man I wish I could be like him???!!! During my AO, I said most of this...

It is heart breaking to think she feels anything but contempt for this man. She was the one who kept calling, so I guess she is more to blame, but to think just bc he said he loved you and you had sex with him, that he was going to throw away his family.... that's delussional. Which is guess is FOGGY here.

I am setting myself up with high expectations, higher boundries and no room for compromise. I constantly tell her, I love her, I miss her, We need to work on us, and that she is the most precious person to me. I tell her she means more to me than anyone on this planet, and that her mistakes of the past only means she human and that we have to set up EP to not let this happen again. I try to build her ego, not stomp on it.

The conversation with OMW was short and to the point. She asked if my WW had confessed or was I just accussing her? I said not only had she confessed, but that I had posed as her and her WH had confirmed that # and dates of their sex. I left her with, I you need anything from me, please call me cell. That was it. She is blocked on WW FB, so she doesn't know that OMW changed profile pic. OMW did not respond to a PM i sent her on FB. My assumption is they have gone silent to us. I suggested that she expose, and she said, Don't you worry, everyone here will know.
Since they are 300+ miles away, I know non of his family ( which is screwed up ) or his friends. I threaten him ( B4 i found this place ) that if he ever made contact, I would inform his employer and let them know what he was doing on company time. OMW may have done that for me. I don't want to make any more contact with them, I want to remove and block all contact. Out of sight, out of mind.

Good day today.... She said a few nice things like "Your look nice, and Thank you for your help this morning"

I texted her at work that she was the most important person in the world to me, That I choose her over everyone else. She said thank you, that make her feel better.

I hope this is a step forward... and not just false hope.

Thanks to all who post. We need each other as we move down this road.

Happy for you,

Just take it slowly, make her feel safe, let her process it all, she will get it soon enough, for now be her safe place to land.......

Expectations will get you in trouble, keep them in check and be patient

Quick question...

Does Marriage Builders still have weekend get aways? I looked but did not see them listed.

Post a link., that may be my best shot at getting her to get fully on board with MB concepts.

No, but if you go to the MB home page you will see (at the bottom) the home-study course. Feedback here is that the matieral is the same, and outcome is great.