I have a dilemma that I do not feel comfortable discussing with my family for fear it will turn them against my husband.

I have been married to my husband for a little over five years. The man I married was a good man with Christian morals. He would not curse or drink and was extremely attentive. We attended church together regularly. I've told him on numerous occasions that I fell in love with him because of these traits. It's as if that man disappeared shortly after marriage. I was married before and it didn't work out, so I was reluctant to get married again and waited two years before I agreed to set a date. He was well aware of my fears and assured me that he is not my ex-husband. I love my husband and I am trying to stay strong to save my marriage. On occasion I see a glimmer of the caring man I fell in love with, but the glimmers are few and far between. All of my efforts go into my home and marriage. I have NEVER given him a reason to doubt or mistrust me. The problems in our marriage are starting to beat me down emotionally and physically.

In order to explain the situation, I feel I have to provide background information.

On-going behavior:
Since we've been married; he refuses to open joint accounts (exception mortgage), provide visibility into his finances, has never given me money or concerned himself if I have enough to pay my bills (prior to marriage I withdrew $18k to pay off his bad debts), locks his cell phone, purchased a laptop for personal use (which he stores at work), will not provide basic information pertaining to where he goes, recently finished up at work before he would come home to take me to the emergency room (not the first incident...I had to find a way home three times before when I had a migraine headache and was unable to drive), will not allow me to associate with his family, has not said I love you for nearly 4 years, is verbally abusive and physical once.

Recent Behavior:
* Recently I told him that in these economically stressed times my job is uncertain. He responded that he is sure I will find another job and said he will not put me on his health insurance policy if I get laid off.
*My sister-in-law arranged for a family get together in SC. She sent out an email to the family regarding the trip, it was the first I had heard about it. My husband agreed to go to SC for a week without telling me or telling his sister that he had no plans to bring me. When I asked him about the trip, he said that I am not welcome to go, because he cannot trust me because the last time we had a family gathering I talked to my brother-in-laws when he was not around and sent his sister a Thank You note following the trip when he told me not to. In the end he did not go either. His family has alluded to the fact that Perry is secretive, does not communicate and is �strange�. My sister and brother-in-law are the primary care takers of my husband's Mother who has Alzheimer�s and she has a lot on her. My husband has not visited his mother for nearly two years and only calls her every two to three months. He has accused me of not allowing his mother to come to our house for a brief visit. This is 100% not true and I have numerous emails regarding his mother, where I encouraged him to visit or have her come here for a brief period of time to give his sister a break. I love his family and feel horrible about the confusion around the trip and visiting in general. She went through a lot of care and expense to plan the family gathering. It has weighed heavily on my heart and I feel as if I owe her an apology/explanation for the confusion around the trip, however; I�m afraid if I contact her and he finds out he will be furious. Additionally, I don�t want it to appear to my husband that I am contacting his family to encourage them to take my side. That is not at all why I feel obligated to apology/explain. I feel it�s the respectful thing to do. I desperately require advice in this area.
*Last evening he stayed out until 11:00 PM. This behavior is unusual, he always comes home after work (or at least I think he�s been at work). His only explanation was his current manger felt it was important that he meet his boss. He said he went to a restaurant to attend a meeting with the two men (over a four hour meeting). When he arrived at home, clearly he had been drinking. He swore to me that he had not had a drink. He would never stand for this behavior from me. . I share everything with him, in hopes he will show me the same respect.

Hopefully the background information explains why I feel overwhelmed. I�ve prayed for my husband and my marriage every night for over four years. I pray that God opens his eyes to see his guidance and his heart to receive his wisdom. I am well aware that until he comes back to God our marriage has no hope and he is headed down a dead end street. The foundation of our relationship (or least I thought) was based on putting God first in our relationship. The problems in my marriage affect every aspect of my life. I do not have a partner I can rely on or talk too. I constantly live on eggshells and I am stressed out. I realize I contribute to the issue by allowing him to treat me this way. When I voice my opinion and establish boundaries the situation gets worse, he rebels. in order to avoid confrontation I remain quiet, blessed be the peace maker. When I feel down I turn to God in prayer. I pray for guidance and strengthen. I am a firm believer that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, but I am human and I don't understand why this happening. I don�t know where to turn.

99, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you are here. The reason your husband is secretive is because he has secrets. He is living a secret second life. I suspect his family knows something very bad about him and he is scared to death you will find out.

My suggestion would be to hire a PI to tail him for a few days. Have the PI run a thorough background check. There is something very wrong here and I fear you are not safe with him.

I would not ask him what he is doing, but find out on your own what he is hiding and then come back here. We will help you with next steps.

Oh, dear, 99. There are so many in your post that I don't know where to start.

Your H is engaging in independent behavior that is, as you know, damaging your marriage. He is hiding something. I am especially concerned that you paid off $18K in bad debts. Does he gamble? Does he frequently leave town for 'business'?

Because he has taken such care to seal off so many parts of his life (locked phone, computer at work, relatives he's keeping away from you) I would hire a PI to follow him and see what he can come up with. I would also suggest you pay the PI for a complete background check on your H.

I'm sorry you've had to find your way here, but welcome. We're here to help you.

Run a credit check on yourself.

Excellent suggestion.

She can also run a credit check on him.

I'm dittoing everyone here.
It's bad news when the in-laws tell you your spouse is strange.

Another thing I start doing is saving up cash where he can't get to it. This is not something I recommend except when things look really warped. And if you are responsible for home bills, I'd start cutting services, like cable etc.

I appreciate the recommendations. I've thought about hiring a PI, but the funds are not readily available to do so. As far as running a credit check, do I have to have his SS# and/or permission. If the SS# is required, unfortunately I do not have the information.

Can you look at his pay stub for SS# information? I agree with the others, this all sounds really scary. Don't let the fact that you are a Christian cloud your judgement, I did that and stayed for 12 years with a man who nearly killed me....turned out he was living a double life. Find out what's going on ASAP! One thing that helped me was to call an abuse hotline and meet with someone who helped me have clearer judgement and gave me resources to get help. You can look in the phone book, google it, or go to the doctor for some reason; they have that information.

MDB,

I am sorry for what you are going through and agree with the other vets here who have advised you to find out what is going on because a spouse who is behaving this secretively and deceptively is definitely hiding something that isn't good and something you need to know about. Please stop sweeping it under the rug and report back what you find--I fear it won't be good news.

I was struck by something in your initial post about your prior marriage. You glossed over it with the catch-phrase that "it didn't work out" and nothing else.

No offense, but this phrase is a MAJOR RED FLAG TO ME.

I have come to learn and experience IRL that people--both men and women--who dismiss their prior marriage(s) with trite and simplistic expressions like "it just didn't work out" or "we just got married too young" or "we just went separate ways in life" or "we just weren't right for each other", etc, etc, are often hiding something much more personal and sinister about their prior divorce(s).

Namely, I have found that when I hear such things from people, I usually find out at some point down the road that the individual using such expressions was the cheater/leaver in the original marriage. No offense again, but this a place where openness and honesty truly do matter and you are understandably complaining about a lack of O & H from your current H so...

...why did your 1st marriage really end?
...were you unfaithful in it?
...is your current H a man you had an inappropriate relationship with dating back to your previous marriage?

These are important questions with regard to your present situation and you can't expect more from your current marriage then you gave to the last one unless you own up to and face them. Be honest.

99,
This is what caught my eye.
Essentially, based on the above, you have never been married to the man who you were engaged to. --excuse the poor humor, but it's like the ultimate marriage "bait and switch."

MB can teach you what a great marriage is supposed to look like. It's amazing. I knew what my parents' marriage looked like. My now-ex wife knew what her parents' marriage looked like. Niether were even close to ideal. I often wonder if that's why we continued to tolerate a marriage that was essentially unsatisfying for both of us.
It eventually became clear to me that I was the only one in the partnership that was willing to explore making the changes in myself to provide the raw materials for a relationship that I could truly be happy in.

You, 99, have come to a place where you could, if you chose to do so, embark on an entirely new life. It won't be easy, and it will take time. There are many good folks here that can help you and encourage you when you need it.

optimism

How are you doing, 99? You haven't posted in a few days. Anything new happening with your H? Have you run a credit check on yourself? Have you been able to dig through any of your H's paperwork to track down his SS#?

You can get your credit report for free from here:
http://www.annualcreditreport.com/

You can get one free report from each of the three major credit bureaus per year. Space them 4 months apart so you can keep monitoring.

This is not freecreditreport.com WHICH WILL MAKE YOU SIGN UP FOR A PAID SERVICE.

I think your husbands social security number appears on YOUR tax return even if you are filing separately.

You can get a free background check on your hubby by going here and signing up for a free trial.
http://www.beenverified.com

This may also turn up your Hubby's ss# along with other info.

You will be asked for a credit card to sign up but won't be charged if you cancel within the trial period.


If you need a discreet credit card to use for the free trial sign up buy a low dollar value prepaid visa card at your grocery store and use that for the background check sign up. (Also good for safer internet transactions to ensure that you aren't giving up access to your actual credit card account numbers to unknown web site operators.)