Try to hold steady for now emotionally. Let your wife move out but protect yourself legally. When she gets a taste of this new life, it will become real and the reality of it is going to be HARD. She'll have to support herself and she will miss the kids more than she realizes.

You have an advantage now because of her desire to leave the kids. Kids stay with you which sets a precedent for custody. Perhaps she will end up having to pay you child support?

I'm with the above poster in feeling like her OM might not want to jump into this new reality with her. You should contact his wife and update her. The OM's wife needs to know that your wife is trying to create a place for him to come to.

You are doing a great job of dealing with a very hard situation. Do not beg or plead. She believes you will wait no matter what. Let her know through your actions (you stay busy, have fun with kids, take care of yourself) that you are not waiting for her sorry a$$.

She is spoiled and has never had to pull her own weight. This will work in your favor when she realizes her romantic fantasy is really a steaming pile of crap.

I agree with this. I think the affair will crumble when she moves out because the OM will not leave his wife for her. The only downside of this is that his wife is a very weak, timid gal so she might allow him to have both. That will prolong the affair.

I have been going back and forth with OMW and she is up to date withthe latest news. We both plan on contacting our respective OP on Monday to try and knock something loose. I am going to talk about how he is destroying 2 families and that I am not divorcing my wife or going to just disappear. I know he is also in the fog so reasoning with him is not likely to go far.

I do get the sense that they are readying themselves to make a move. I don't know yet if that means OM will be cutting ties at home and relocating uP this way or what. If I had to guess, it seems like they may have had some plan and WW is implementing her side of the plan by moving out and getting employment. Now it is a matter of whether OM will hold up his side and leave his life and move up with WW.

WW also brought up the computer fraud and abuse act to me in passing discussion last night. I am not a lawyer and was not even familiar with this until I googled it. She was trying to tell me that when I gained access to her private email account back in August on D-Day that was a criminal offense. Is anyone familiar with this act and does a home computer fall under it? From what I saw, the act involves government computers and such. I thought she was trying to get me to run off.

She is grasping at straws and threatening you to get you to back off.

Hey. Will she bring charges against you and risk making the 6o'clock news? What do you think?!

Ask her to lay charges as you can't wait for her adultery to be made public and if she paid attention to the facts she would lose the case.

I realize this was kind of a threat to try to get me to go away. I was very calm when we spoke about it and didn't get sucked in. She brought up the fact that my job requires a security clearance and that would also be in jeapordy if I were to be charged. I thought she was just blowing hot air but also felt I should try to get smart on the rules. Is there anything I legitimately need to be watchful of as far as the CFAA goes?

SS, I am sorry to say that is not going to get you very far. The best way to kill this affair is to expose it. They have a PLAN and if you can get proof of it, you could expose it everywhere. That is your best chance of killing this affair and saving your marriage.

Has the OMW exposed the affair? I get the sense that she is very timid and has not done much to kill it. What is your sense?

HOW are they communicating and how could you get the goods? I am very puzzled at what the OMW is doing as far as snooping goes? What is her intel?

And your wife is just trying to scare you away from snooping on her. Just ignore it.

OMW has told me she has exposed to her family and OM's family. No real support in either case. She has said that OM does not have any close friends or associates that would be of any influence. I don't know her or their living situation at all so I don't know if that is accurate or not.

I realize that us contacting the OP will not probably not go anywhere. I thought it would be good to let the OM know that I am not going to just walk away and disappear if he does try to start things up this way. I don't quit.

I have been trying to coach the OMW on things to do (plan A) and such. She sounds like she is very motivated to save her M like me. I do think she may be starting to run out of gas though. I have told OMW that if she gives in that she is basically opening the door for OM to moving on to the next phase of their plan.

OMW was able to gain access to OM's email account. I believe that account has been shut down though. Alot of the other intel she has gained about what is going on has been from her just stopping by OM's apt. and reading notes. OM sounds like he is pretty sloppy when it comes to covering his tracks.

I am trying to ignore my WW's scare tactics, I just wanted to educate myself on the facts.

Has she exposed the affair wide and far? One can never tell in advance who will or won't have an influence and more often, NO ONE has any influence. Just exposing it to the direct circle of friends and family is often very effective. Because even though they might not have direct influence, just them KNOWING puts pressure on the affair.

Do you see what I mean here? You can't discount exposure targets on whether you imagine they will have an influence or not. That is too subjective and deals out effective exposure targets. One of the biggest mistakes that BS's make is doing a trickle exposure. It is never enough to kill the affair but just enough to piss of the affairees and alert them to go further underground.


I MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT YOU SAID!! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!! I thought you were going to speak to your OWN spouses. I think you are right on and I will give you both some talking points:

1. tell the OP that there is no future in the affair because he/she will be eternally hated by your children for breaking up their family

2. they will be eternally hated by the in-laws and will not be allowed to darken their doorstep. Tell them THE WHOLE FAMILY KNOWS ABOUT THEIR SKEEZY AFFAIR

3. Tell the OP that if this goes to divorce that you will file on grounds of adultery and will have the OM subpeonaed into court to give sworn testimony about his affair with your wife. Tell him you are working with the OMW to consolidate proof and that under discovery all their email, cell phone and text records will be subpeonaed.

4. check to see if you have alienation of affection lawsuits in your state and tell him he can expect that.

5. PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO!! This is real easy and it may even get them to admit more. Say that you know they are still in touch, that they have PLANS, and REFUSE to tell him how you know. Just inform him that you are having them both watched and you won't give up your methods.


SS, what do you mean by "give in?" What Dr Harley would tell her to do is go into a very dark PLAN B very soon. Women should only be in Plan A for about 3 to 4 weeks before they begin having severe emotional and physical symptoms. Send her this link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


Can she get in there and slip a keylogger on his computer? There is a good one that will email her daily reports of everything he does on the computer. It is easy to install.

It would be great if she could slip this on his computer: http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/eBlaster_Windows/index.asp

If she can get to his computer one time to install it, it will email her the reports and she can control the program remotely.

What....you aren't allowed to access your marital joint email account that you've known the password to forever? Since when was it her "private account"? That email has handled tons of family bills and receipts ON A SHARED COMPUTER for years. Just because she had an affair doesn't suddenly make it a private individual account. It's not like the password was a secret either...she had it on a sticky note attached to the monitor in plain view or was it a password journal sitting out in the open next to the computer? If she's ever shared her password(s) with you that is essentially consent and a waiver of any claim under privacy laws.

These privacy laws weren't designed to be enforced by spouses and family members against each other but she CAN file a complaint and you never know if an overzealous prosecutor might take up the case. (it's very rare but it happened here in Michigan and the Court of Appeals has basically put the case on hold until the prosecutors office can justify why a similar state law can be used against a husband. Leon Walker's Facebook )


Mr. W

Can you send her here?

I have sent her here. I don't know how much time she spent learning here though. Either way, it sounds like OMW folded and signed her D papers yesterday. I was really hoping that wasn't going to happen. I feel like this whole thing just got brought up another level. This is spiraling so fast right now.

On a side note, WW flipped out at me when I told her last night that I wouldn't be able to help her move out. I told her that I wouldn't help her break up this family. I would help her move back in if it came to that but I couldn't do this. Here was another example for her where I let her down. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. She doesn't get it.

That is exactly the right approach. Does she have an apartment yet?

Did you see my post about things to bring up to the OM?

Yes, WW signed her 12 month lease last Friday. She starts work just before Christmas. I just feel like their "plan" may be coming together.

I saw your post about what to say to OM. Thanks! I have a few more items I want to touch on with OM as well. Let me ask you this. In light of the fact that OM just signed his D papers not even 24 hours ago, does it make sense for me to still talk to him today? I am not trying to be sensitive to his feelings or any BS like that. I was just thinking about whether he would be in any place to have a discussion with me right now. Do I wait until after Thanksgiving? I am still leaning toward calling him today, I just wanted to hear from some of the experts. One other thing. Does it matter if I let WW know if I am contacting him ahead of time or is that not even a factor? Thanks.

I think it is a GREAT IDEA for you to call him today. The timing is perfect. And no, don't let your wife know anything. Let her find out by surprise from the upset OM.

Your idea to do this was VERY GOOD. This is one way to shake them up.

YES !


Do not tell WW about the call.

Even after the fact, you wait for her to react.
You stay calm.
Stay on message.

You're doing great!


PS: We are not 'experts'. We are the peanut gallery.

"Home-wrecking is dirty business. That's what OM "Betty's husband" does. I don't participate in home-wrecking."

Here's a little tip.

Let's say OM is Bob, and his wife is Betty .....

Never refer to OM by his first name "Bob".

Instead, always refer to OM as "Betty's husband".

Example:

"I leave home wrecking activity to Betty's husband."

Repeatedly remind WW that Betty is REAL. Subtly.

Thanks for the link. It sounds like there is no real precedent for these kinds of cases.

I think you may have me mixed up with someone else. The email account was a secret one that she was using to exclusively correspond with OM. Yes, I purchased and used the computer but the email account was hers alone.