This all has happened in a matter of less than two months. And it's a disaster. Vital statistics: met twenty years ago, became a couple 16 years ago, married more than 13 years ago, two kids.

I'll try to make this as brief as possible but it will probably be too long. I've had a bit of wine so tell me if it's not coherent.. After a very difficult summer of loads of guests and the husband away with work or just working a lot the summer ended. We took a weekend with some friends at their country house and the H was kind of weird. On the second night of our visit, while we were having drinks and playing games after dinner he was texting like mad. As we all were going to bed he disappeared and one of the hosts said he was outside making a phone call. I went to look for him and ran into him as he was heading back inside.
I asked what was going on, who he was texting and calling and he said it was work stuff. He works a lot but something wasn't right. I asked to see his phone and he refused, telling me I was being ridiculous.
We argued but went to bed and went home the next day, me very pissed off. I asked him again what was going on and asked to see his phone and he said no, I had no right. Yeah, right, buster.
The next two days passed and we argued and he finally said 'look, nothing going on, calm down, etc'. Meanwhile, an old work colleague who was a chat friend on FB asked how my weekend was. I said crap and he offered to take me to lunch. We went to lunch and talked, then went for a walk and he kissed me suddenly. I backed off and said 'wrong, wrong, wrong', said this isn't going to happen, went home and felt so guilty I stopped interegating the H about the phone calls. Big BIG mistake.

The next week we were great with each other. One day we had better sex than in a long time and when I asked what that was about he said he realized he needed to be a better husband to me. So we went on for a couple of weeks and then just about a month ago, the night before he was so leave for a five day business trip we left the kids for a few days with the grandparents and went out for drinks with friends. During the evening he was lovely but texting a lot. I asked what it was about and he said it was work. We went home fairly tipsy, ate and then he went to bed. I puttered around and then saw his phone charging. I grabbed it and wow...loads of texts to a work colleague, 25 (he's 40) with all sorts of I love you's, I miss you's, etc. I went ballistic. Woke him up and flipped right the [censored] out. HUGE fight. I mean HUGE. When we finally calmed down we opened a bottle of wine, sat on the kitchen floor and he told me that he had feelings for this girl, he felt no spark with me, no love, no connection, marriage shouldn't take so much work, shouldn't be this hard, it should be easy, it was so easy with her (no [censored], sherlock, she's 25 without a care in the world). I was stunned and immediately said ok, let's split everything up, not sure where you'll live, the kids will be devastated, go to her, that's fine. Then I cried, begged and generally made a drunken tit out of myself.
We stayed up all night. He left with no sleep for the airport and texted me from there saying please let's not leave it this way, blah blah blah. After he left I couldn't sleep so went into his email and FB. What a revelation. I read everything and saw so much. She had sent him a naked picture of himself a week earlier to his private email at our house on a Sunday afternoon while he was spending time with me and the kids. Ugh. Gross. I called him and went nuts again and he got angry I was in his email. I told him too bad, he shouldn't have been doing this.
He is on his biz trip and we talk one day. Ok, we fought like mad for two hours and then talked for another two. I said I was pickingup the kids the next day and when he came home I was going to a hotel for a few nights to think. He asked me not to so instead I picked him up at the airport and told him about my lunch. We both cried and held hands and when we came home we had a six hour chat about everything in our lives. Not just our marriage but about things that we had never told anyone kind of chat. Then he told me he didn't love me and I cried. Then we hung out with the kids and next thing you know we're in bed having the best sex since we met. Crazy times.
The next couple of days we're loving if a bit awkward. We ate nice dinners, went for walks, had great sex, etc. But we didn't talk about what had happened. Finally, on the fourth night, the night before the whole family was going away for a quick three day visit with friends in another city, we were eating dinner and I asked what was going on with teh girl, how was it at work and he said - get ready -that they had 'put it on hold'. I said excuse me? You are not ending it, you're simply putting it on hold and keeping her on the back burner? He sort of looked at the ground so I got up, walked onto the terrace and rang the OW live in partner, telling him what was going on and offering to send the naked picture, etc. Then we had one knock down drag out fight and sadly, one of our kids woke up and heard most everything.
We were up all night again, he went off to work for a meeting before he was supposed to meet us at the airport for our trip. We texted a bunch, arguing, etc. and he just kept saying he didn't feel the connection with me anymore. Wen the airport, very uncomfortable, got on plane and he fell asleep. I grabbed his phone and he had been texting her, begging her to meet him (he didn't go to work after all) saying he was getting a divorce, he needed her, she was his lifeboat, only she could save him (gag me).
When we got to our destination I told him I had seen the texts and that that was it, go to her, it was over. We spent the next couple of days finding time alone to discuss things and he was shocked that I wanted him to move out as soon as we got back (apparently went to plan B without knowing about it) and discussed the practicalities. He kept saying it was moving too fast, etc. I just said you are involved with another person and I cannot have you in the house while you're doing this.
We got home and he spent the night in the guest room. The next morning he left with a few clothes. He sent an email telling me where he was staying.
So we talked a bit over the next few days, he came to watch the kids while I was out, it was weird. I told him that I loved him and didn't want to end the marriage but he needed to stop things with this girl. He didn't.
This was three weeks ago. During this time he has texted me, emailed me, and phoned me constantly but refuses to discuss our marriage, saying it's over, he does't love me, no connection, etc. But he gets jealous when I'm out and contacts me the second he sees me online. I asked him to go to counseling and he agreed but the first thing he said in our first session was that it could never work, it's broken, it's over.
I slowly started to get really angry, mainly because he told the kids, when they asked about her, that she was very upset I had called her boyfriend. Boo hoo, eh? She went on a two week trip with her partner to 'figure things out' and he sat around like a lost puppy waiting for her.

Anyway, lots of details of this 3 week period that I can answer later but the upshot here is that we've been to therapy a few times, I went once alone and the therapist was like 'classic midlife crisis', we both enjoy therapy, oddly, as we are both pretty anti-therapy. Then the other day I saw that they had re-friended on facebook so asked him what that was about. And get this. This little girl is still with her boyfriend, trying to figure things out. And he told me (I could have killed him) that it was so hard for her to reach a decision because she had been in this relationship for five years and had a lot invested in it. I kind of flipped and said well, it's easy enough for you to dump 20 years overnight. So he is still waiting for her to leave her partner while carrying on sexy times via text and Fb.
Anyway, exposed him to his parents, his sister and a number of friends. He isn't talking to anyone other than one drinking mate, who says he's really into this girl. I went NC about five days ago, telling him no more sexy flirtytexts, only contact is about kids or other practical stuff, separate Christmas, etc. He is very upset and keeps sending texts or emails that have a 'reason' to contact me but not really, if youknow what I mean.
Last night we agreed he's be here at 6 to watch the kids while I went to a class. At 5.05 I got a text saying he'd be here in 20 minutes. So I had to leave. I was at class and ping ping ping went my phone. Guess who. Also, whenever I'm out I get loads of texts asking about my night.
Anyway, that's the basic story. I am pissed but I love him and really need advice. I have gone only on instinct so have done some wrong and some right in this situation.
Need advice on how to proceed. Have another MC session tomorrow.
Oh, and not sure the OW's partner knows that his girlfriend is still carrying on what is, from all indications, an emotional affair and want to let him know. So yeah, bring it on. Guide me as I am slowly turning into a lush and this is not good for my kids.

Dollars to donuts says that this is a physical affair. I would re-expose to this woman's BF and family.

CV

DrMelfi, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

You've done a lot of 'right' things in all of this mess! You exposed the affair and have kinda/sorta gone to Plan B. Re-read Plan B and shore it up a bit. You're on the right track.

Your WH is going to have to stop working with this tramp. That's your first priority. Until they are separated you have no hope of saving your M.

How much have you had to drink? I want you to be very sober when you're reading the posters' advice to you, so you will clearly understand what you will need to do to kill this affair.

Don't do anything right now! Wait until you're completely sober!

Well, I've read all the texts, emails and FB messages and it's all longing for the physical, no indication that anything happened beyond that. Advice on how to proceed? I want to save my marriage but am ready to bail simply because I cannot hear one more time that he doesn't love me, has no feelings, etc. I did tell him a couple of days ago that she was most likely going home each day to bone her boyfriend and make it up with him while keeping H on a string just in case, that she said she loved him but didn't love him quite enough to actually be with him. And then said, how hilarious, you're being cuckolded by your twinkie. Yeah, he went a bit bonkers but at that point I didn't care. He's waiting around for a fantasy that doesn't want him.

Indeed , drink clouds the mind . How well did you expose? To her family, friends , facebook?

I suggest you by the book "surviving an affair" by Dr Harley , reading it will help align you to the MB processes .

I exposed to her partner, his parents, his sister, a bunch of close friends. Everyone is shocked and cannot understand what he is doing. Most describe him when they meet him as a shell. No time for a book to arrive. I need advice now!

I would expose to the OW's partner and let him know the affair is still on. Additionally, you should copy and paste the OW's facebook friends into a WORD doc for safekeeping and expose to her parents and other facebook contacts. Read the Exposure 101 thread that is linked in my signature.

Read up on Plan B and plan to go into a completely dark separation until he ends his affair. And I would get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can. In the meantime, read this: What Are Plan A and Plan B?

I assure you, you will have time to read the book, the affair is not going to go away soon.

We'll help you, Dr, but order the book anyway - it's going to be your handbook. Go to amazon.com or check on this website and find out the fastest way to get it to you.

I suggest you pay heed to what some of the senior posters here have to say.
They, and others have really helped me cope though I found this forum sometime after going through the stage you are finding yourself in.
There are some UK based folk here, including myself.

Wine may seem your best buddy right now, believe me I know.
But keep your drinking in check. You should not try to mask or dull all this pain, no matter how excruciating it feels. You need to feel it and work through it for your own personal recovery. It's rotten, but essential.

Hang in there.

I'm hanging in. I'm lucky in that I have a very good group of supportive friends who are on call at any time. I've actually been fairly good with the wine but today, late afternoon, I just started shaking and kind of freaking out so poured a glass.

Ok, so what steps do I take besides now letiing her partner know that they 're still in contact and were while the OWM and the OW were on holiday to 'figure things out'. I've gone dark, don't answer much of anything he texts or emails. And he is, get this, posting cryptic messages on FB that could only be meant for me. One was a video he found somewhere that was filmed in a place where we used to live. He's letting me know what's going on by these messages, such as that they aren't 'together' just 'waiting' but it's infuriating and I have refused to respond. Plus, he posts all sorts of things that are related to our shared interests. Ugh. I kind of hate him right now.

This is not what we mean by Plan B. Plan B is going completely dark, even changing your locks and keeping him out of the house. Did you read the article I linked?

DrMelFi ... Sorry that you are here, but please know that you have come to the right place. Listen to the vet posters as they have helped many people here and saved their own marriages aswell. Some of the advice you may recieve may seem counter intuitive, but believe me ... no matter the outcome, the advice you recieve here will in the long run be best for you and your own mental well being and health.

MNG

Yes, read it. He is no longer allowed to just walk into the house (pissed him off when I said that). He will leave his keys. When he sees kids he will take them somewhere other than here. He will no longer text, message or email me unless it's about the kids or some other practical matter. He will take the rest of his things out of the flat. He will no longer badmouth me to the kids and will no longer talk about her to them (yes, he did a comparison. What an [censored]). And then I went dark and am trying to find work in my former career. No bites yet but still working on it. Getting exercise, taking care of kids as best I can, getting out with friends. What do I do next? I REALLY do not want to lose this marriage. I love the dumb [censored].

Here is another thread with more specifics about Plan B: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Well, I didn't write the letter because I hadn't found any of this stuff online while all this was going down. I just went on instinct and told him that here is my line in the sand. You cannot live here while this is going on. I love you and I want to make this relationship work because we've had twenty mostly good years but no way while this is going on. He just got angry and then told me he just doesn't feel the connection anymore. Can't understand how the connection is gone like *snap* that.

DrMelfi, that is where I would begin. Write him a letter laying out your conditions and tell him he can't contact you anymore. Find an intermediary who will pass on any PERTINENT information about your kids and finances. And change the locks! The letter is very, very important because it should lay your conditions for contact.

Here is a sample letter:

Wow, cannot imagine sending that letter! It would feel like...groveling. I agree with most of what is said but also feel like it makes me take the blame for what he did and lord knows he has blamed me enough already.

Hmmm...no more advice. I'm dying here, folks, need help badly to figure out my next step. Counseling first thing in the morning and really don't know how to handle it other than bring an axe.