Abigail22,

Welcome to MB! I see red flags all over the place. It sounds like he is very controlling, why do you allow this? A marriage should be built around trust and it seems that your husband is hidding something.

You should have access to all of your account information and finances. I would demand he give them to me or leave. The whole closet thing is very strange, definitely hiding something.

As far as the business stuff, you should have access to that as well, I did when my husband had a business. In fact I put all of the accounting information into quickbooks. He was at first reluctant as I am an accountant and could see things were not going well, but it affected me and our sons so I was proactive.

You have to take charge of your life and stand up for yourself!
If you get him to leave you could at least provide you with child and sposal support. It is almost like you are a prisoner in your own home!

ba

I wouldn't even know where to begin and the (quite obvious) affair is just the tip of the iceberg.

Abigail, do you want to stay married to this man?

If so, you're going to have to seriously put your foot down and he's going to have to do a complete turnaround. Do you fear for your safety if you confront or demand anything of him?

I would assume that he's monitoring your computer (including this thread) and has spyware on your phone. Really, with a locked closet, a second house and mysterious wires all over the damn attic, it'd be nothing to be monitoring a phone and laptop.

I'd almost say this has to be a joke.

Meet the faulkers came to my mind.

It's not a joke. This is my life, my child's life as well. I'm really hurting here and feel so helpless, which is soooo out of character for me. I have no money and nowhere else to go right now. If I leave now, he might try to get custody of our child. He can afford an attorney...I can't. I would lose my home which means a lot to me. I would possibly lose my child, which means more than anything else. Like I said, everyone knows him as this "oh he's the nicest person" person. The 2nd home is "our" home which we both go to on the weekends. My mom lives next door, so she keeps a watchful eye on the place during the week. Again, I feel trapped and this whole situation with him is starting to make me feel sick.

You are letting fear rule you. Stop that. You can't live that way for long. It will eat you up inside.

OTHER THINGS HE DOES THAT MAKE NO SENSE TO ME:
When my monthly visitor is in town, he tries to make me feel bad about not wanting to have sex. I tell him that it's a health risk that I'm not willing to take. Then when my visitor leaves, he waits until 2 in the morning to come to bed or until he thinks I am asleep. He knows I don't like to be startled in my sleep and he will yank my arm or underwear or do anything that will startle me in my sleep. Then he tries to turn the situation on me by saying I'm not affectionate enough and he shouldn't have to beg. WTH? When I had bronchitis really bad and lost my voice, he would ask me a question and then turn his back just as I'm about to answer and then pretend to be upset that I'm ignoring him by not answering his question. Knowing full well he wouldn't be able to hear me if he turned his back. Crazy, I know! He knows when I don't have any money and he'll call and say "what did you eat today?" when he didn't give me money for food. Everyone else thinks he walks on water b/c he does little nice things for other people all the time and they just think he is grand. They don't see what I see daily. The "real" jerk. He tries to demean me at times, yells at me and frowns at me often. yes, I need a plan B and that's why i'm in school. I need to be able to support myself and pay the mortgage by myself.

Was it always like this?

How old is he?

no, in fact it was quite the opposite...i was one of those that thought he walked on water too...lol He was very attentive, didn't appear to be judgemental, very patient with me, always wanted to be with me and do things with me. Now he just comes home and expects dinner to be on the stove and for me to readily available whenever he's in the mood, which is not often. And when we do, it's always quick. I told him one day that unless he was willing to take his time with me and show me some tenderness, there was no point. I'm tired of being left frustrated and not getting any satisfaction from two minutes of "nothing". Sorry to be so blunt. But it's the truth. He is 50...I'm 44.

Is there a womens shelter near you? He sounds emotionally abusive and they will help. Buy a VAR and keep it in your pocket so you can have some proof of his verbally abusive ways.

so i placed the VAR this a.m. Any other suggestions/methods for catching a mouse?

i took a picture of one of the wires in the attic that have been spliced and connected using some type of jelly connector...does anyone know what this is used for? could it really be for some type of surveillance equip? if so, then i could be in trouble if he saw me put the VAR in place.

If you have found wires you should be able to find out where they are going to. And if he really has you under survellience your computer probablyis too.

they are going up...in the attic to a place i can't get to. I don't know what I'm looking at and i don't know what they are for....if anyone on here knows or might be able to give me some info, let me know. i have retrieved the numbers off of the wire and i have a picture of what the connector looks like. it's small round and red. and yes, he probably does have my laptop monitored, but i can't worry about that right now. it's the only computer i have. and if he knows i'm on to him, maybe just maybe he will slow his actions or get sneakier. either way, he's going to have to put in a lot of extra time and effort and maybe he will decide it's not worth all the trouble of getting caught knowing i may have evidence/proof.

Dialectic jelly on the wires? That's kind of weird in a house. It's usually used to prevent corrosion for marine wiring and such. It is also used for electronics because it is largely non-conductive.

There is also something called a jelly crimp which is used on electrical wires like phone lines and such.

Does it look new?

CV

sounds like a jelly crimp for telephone wires...

Something odd is definitely going on here, but I'll go along with it for a while.

Can you upload a picture of the connector? You can use a service like tinypic.com to anonymously share a photo. There's lots of ways a wire can be connected. Some connectors are specially used for video, in which case that should be obvious. But there are many ways to splice a normal wire together.

You said your mom lives next door to your other house. Does your dad live there too? You could move in with them for a while.

Assuming we're getting the full story, something is very wrong with him. I would recommend you contact some sort of social service organization. Perhaps even call the police and ask them for help identifying the wires. Explain the situation with your husband and maybe they will help. Or just call an electrician and say you want some wires traced in your home. They'll do it for about $100.

it could be a jelly crimp, whatever that is. the house was built from the ground up so not sure why something that tacky looking would have been acceptable. to me, it doesn't look like professional work, like someone with a license might have done, it looks more homemade like something a "smart" person would put together. He is very clever and knows how to do soooo many things. then again, it may not be anything at all...maybe i am just paranoid.

i would rather not upload a picture on this laptop, but i have it saved on my phone...i sent it to my mom and she said what in the world is that?? maybe i could go to the library tomorrow and try to use that tinypic site. it does look like a telephone wire sort of, but it says "general" cable wire or something like that on the wire itself....CAT 3, i believe. i finally filled my mom in on the situation here so if anything did happen to me, she knows just about everything. pretty much the same as what i've posted on here. also, i do not intend to move anywhere unless it's back to my house in the country with concrete evidence and d-papers filed. btw...my father remarried 20 plus years ago, and he IS a policeman. i have not mentioned anything to him. he and his wife are gossipers and I don't need the extra attention right now. the only thing i asked my dad to do was run the tag numbers on 2 of the 3 cars that i have seen the girl driving. two of the cars are older models with out of state license plates. the 3rd vehicle is a hummer. I would really like to know who it belongs to. although i don't think it belongs to her, the hummer stays parked in her driveway and she has driven it to work two days this week. and if i contacted a social service org, what would i say....my spouse is acting weird and i think he's hiding something. they would laugh me out of town. my goal is to get something i can use...something concrete. i know i'm not crazy.

Assuming we're getting the full story, something is very wrong with him.

My mom would agree with you on this. She says any time a person keeps a dark house, they have a dark side to them. Now, I believe her. He doesn't like the blinds open at all and he complains about the lights being on sometimes. to me, it is still dark with all the lights on and I am constantly straining my eyes to get my classwork done. right now, he is sitting in his office with the lights off, tv on and he's on the computer....

Having read all of your story, I had thought you were 21 and he was in his forties - because of the way he is controlling you.

On the other hand, when he was older when he married you, he may have been very settled in his was and probably has a bit of a stubborn, paranoid kind of difficult character. Changing is harder when you are older, but that does NOT mean that it is not posible. He must be held accountable that this cannot go on like this. Slavery has been abolished over a hundred years ago!

Look, there are laws in any country, to force a man to pay a certain (not small) percentage of his pay check to his wife as household money.

If you read the information on this site, have you ever thought of exposing his behaviour? Exposure does not only work for affairs, but it may very well work for a husband who is basically keeping his wife a prisoner.

1.
First gather evidence. Buy a VAR and have it on you while talking with him about your houshold money arrangements. And do not forget to have it on, when you politely ask him about the closet and the girl in the office. Get it all on tape!

2.
You do not have to wait for evidence of an affair, I think you can expose to tell other people how he is treating you. After you have the evidence of his miserly ways in treating you, expose to all people who could have an influence on him. Does he have a mother? A man's mother (yes, your mother-in-law) is the one person who is able to influence a man in ways beyond your imagination. How would she react if you told her that you wanted to take her precious grandchild to the doctor, but couldn't because he did not give you money for gas? Maybe if you calmly tell a few trusted persons, he will see how ridiculous this is.

Meanwhile, you may want to plan A a bit. Unless we have evidence on the contrary, he may NOT have set out to get you pregnant and his slave so that he could abandon you and raise your child alone. BUT you have allowed this to go on for too long and he is probably perfectly satisfied with the arrangements.
He gets sex, food, a family and so on. He has not been forced yet to change his way, but it must be done.

As I said, meanwhile do not lovebust, treat him well and do not use disrespectful judgements. He probably wants to see himself as a generous person, or so I hope. Maybe start the conversation after a nice dinner with the compliment, that you have always admired his generosity and appreciate how he has provided you with such a lovely home (well...). BUT that you feel that it is time for you to have some money to spend for yourself (do your hair, buy clothes). Ask him very kindly if he has financial troubles and if that is the reason he has not been able to give you money that should chip away at his pride. Well and do not forget to activate the VAR!!!

I do not mean to say that there are not other core problems in the marriage, but you have to start somewhere and with his way of living it will likely take some time before you have evidence of the affair. This can't go on like this!

Think about it. And also think about your financial position should the two of you get divorced. If you are afraid he will try to get your child away from you, start by gathering some positive evidence on how great a mother you are. (By taking the child to the pediatrician regularly, going to a church children's group, anything you can come up with to get out of your isolation and to have people who can testify how good you treat your child.
You would probably have more money if you divorced him, you know? I bet he knows that too! Use this knowledge to get your backbone back again.

How old is your child now?

God bless you, and give you wisdom for your position.

Happyheart