I would have added this to my regular thread, but I'm afraid it would not get much response over in the divorce forum.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw some old friends. The husband works with my WXH and I had not talked to this couple since I separated from WXH. They seemed so sad about the fact that this "wonderful marriage" had fallen apart. As I was driving home, I realized that they had no idea that my WXH had rejected his faith and had an affair.

I will be seeing this couple again this weekend along with another couple who were also good friends of ours a few years ago. Do you ever advocate doing a post-divorce exposure? I did not find MB until well into the divorce process and never did any kind of exposure to people who knew WXH. I told the kids, my family, and a few friends who were "my" friends. I never exposed to anyone who would have been considered "our" friends.

Or would exposure at this point be considered vindictive and mean-spirited? I almost feel obligated to tell the work friend, because my WXH has a public reputation as a fine, upstanding Christian businessman. Does he need to know that WXH is a liar?

I think it is fine to give people facts.

"We divorced because of WXH's adultery"

Kirby,

You do not have to carry the burden of a secret when you have done nothing wrong, and even worked to undo the damage your WxH did to the marriage.

You have no obligation to lie to save face for your H.

God Bless
Gamma

Kirby, it is a good idea to let everyone know. You don't have to plan a mass exposure, but you will find yourself in awkward situations in the future if you don't tell people. There is no reason to help your XH cover it up.


That is a false reputation, though.

Another reason to tell others is so they can watch their own spouses around your husband. He is obviously someone who does not respect marriages, so others should know that so they can watch out for him.

I don�t run around looking to tell people about my WXW and her actions, but if it comes up in a conversation I don�t cover it up or sugarcoat it.

I tell them, �She was going out with 5 different guys while I was deployed and I had no idea it was going on.�

I let them for their own judgments from that point.

Nothing gets a wayward to hit bottom like the TRUTH. If he is building a life based on false premises, then the truth will set him free.

I agree 150%. Its the life they chose. Might as well help them spread the good news

I agree.

I read your post about that encounter and wondered if you would be telling them the truth. I know you were blindsided by the comment...but next time it comes up be prepared with, 'well, it wasn't as 'wonderful' as it seemed. I divorced XH over his adultery.'

"Yes I too thought it was wonderful until I found out about his continued adultery"

Nothing vindictive about it IMO. Just having a normal truthful conversation with friends.

ITA with the above posters.

I too find myself running into people who know WH, and ask me all of the time how he is, we were together for 18 years and people just say it in small talk. It's perfectly okay to tell people the truth. As long as you don't say it in a vindictive way, you'll be fine.

I think it's funny how people will then say, "I'm sorry." I usually say, "Don't worry, you didn't do it." I am sure I should just say, "Thank you" though, right Pep?

I approve of BOTH responses.
Feel free to ad lib as well.
I trust your Muppet Brain.

I've personally told some very good friends of ours. I had assumed they knew because WXW was great friends with the wife. WXW lied to them just like she lies to everyone about why we got divorced.

The neighbors couldn't believe it, and have since wanted nothing to do with WXW. They have also been extra-nice to me ever since.

Yea, I guess that is another good reason to tell. I know that if I found out someone was an unrepentant wayward, I wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore either. Of course, if they decide to still talk to the Wayward, that's their choice, but at least this way, they know.

I just had my first experience of exposing to work associates. Up until now my stumbling over "separated" pretty much clams everyone up in an awkward silence until I change the subject. But last weekend at a work function I just thought, to hell with it, I am not lying any more when someone says "but you looked so happy, why?" Maybe the glass of wine I had, but in some way it was liberating to say because I didn't like the other woman and he wouldn't end it with her. After the obligatory "you deserve so much better, I can't believe he would do that and its his loss!" I changed the subject and the evening moved on.

I faced work this week knowing I would be the talk of the office, but I really don't care. Surviving an affair has made me care a lot less about what others think or say about me. And at least now I know no-one else at work will ask, lol!