I wrote the NC letter and he merely copied it in his handwriting and addressed the envelope. We went together to the post office, where I personally witnessed hime sending it certified mail with return receipt requested.

He initially balked at the idea of sending the NC, but later he agreed to mail it in the beginning of January claiming that if he sent it sooner, she will not view this as something credible and just believe that I put a gun to his head to write it. I then insisted that he send the NC letter as soon as possible out of consideration for me and my reaching closure. He reluctantly agreed after lamenting that OW, after receiving this letter, may not be able to focus on preparing for her exams. I told him that he cannot put OW needs over mine and he finally agreed to send it.

I fear that if lay to many demands all at once, he will recoil and check out of the marriage all over again. He is still very much in the withdrawal period mourning his A with OW. I also believe he is truly concerned with potential retaliation from OWH, which is going to keep him motivated from seeking any contact with her.

The letter will mean less than nothing after they get back together.

When do you think your demands will be important to your marriage?

You have already seen first hand that waywards dont do anything if you make it easy for them to get out of it.


So what is he going to do when he finds her weeping in his office, accusing him of ruining her life. You wont be there holding a gun to his head then. He is addicted, remember?


Under these sorts of conditions, you would be better off going into Plan B until April. With you and her both around he will be deliriously happy, having every need met twice. She will have the upper hand and he will 'love' you but be 'in love' with her because she is exciting and fun and lives in fantasy affair land. With which it is impossible to compete.

Then when you find out about it recovery will be twice as hard. He will be much less interested it and you will have much more resentment to overcome.

But without you around, she will be unable to meet his needs fully and he will miss the needs you used to meet. He will also be getting pressure from those you exposed to, to make things right with you.

I would Plan A for no longer than a few weeks (how long is it now?) all the while telling him he can expect to lose the best thing hes ever had unless he shapes up and commits to recovery. If he says he cannot leave his job, simply say that you cannot bear the very real risk of the A resuming and you should separate until he meets your conditions.

Call Dr H on his radio show, he will be able to describe the damage Plan C does better than me.

Your husband is quite abusive. He abused his position for personal purposes, and is abusing you daily by showing a greater concern for himself and his AP than you.

I'm sure that, since you TOLD him that he cannot put OW's needs over yours, he truly gets it now. NOT!

You need to expose this affair to your husband's employer. What he's doing is unacceptable in the academic community and he needs to start experiencing the TRUE consequences of his actions (his actions, not yours, remember that).

You are being strong-armed by a horrific emotionally abusive man so that he can have his every whim and desire met by two women.

Please wake up, stand up for yourself and allow him to live the consequences of his choices.

Contact his employer TODAY!

Quo-

Didn't you expose this to the university?

I don't recommend his staying there, either, and draw on my personal experience to say that. There's no easy way out of this financially--lot's have looked for it, but it's pretty elusive and just another casualty of the affair.

If nothing else, I'd get some kind of post-nuptial prepared so that, when the affair gets going again and he starts barking divorce, you can secure yourself financially.

Who wants to bet that he'll howl in indignation if you propose this?

Sorry that you're going through this, but he must quit the job.

We get that fear, we really do, and understand that it is holding you back.

But if it didn't work the first time, what makes you think the same path will work again?

Once you get fed up and decide that you won't stay married at all costs, then things can change for the better.

I fear that you won't raise that bar high enough and will experience the emotional damages from a false recovery(although you don't even have any recovery ATM since there is KNOWN contact).

I fear that you will not realize soon enough the damage that you are facing through this.

I fear that you will be back here in April telling us that we were right and that the A never ended.


Your WH isn't going to get checked out of the marriage again, because he isn't checked into it right now.

You MADE him send the letter. Now, he is going to tell her that you did.

Has this been exposed to the university? To the OWH? To ANYONE?

I have exposed the A to the University, his colleagues, OWH, OWH's parents the week before Thanksigiving. The cogs of academia are turning very slowly so I do not expect any reaction until the spring semester is under way. WH is totally scared about professional implications of his actions and is very convincing in assuring me that there will be no further contact with OW. He is also scared that OWH might show up at his office seeking revenge. OWH's called WH several times and left gazillion texts demanding explanation -- all went unanswered of course. What WH was supposed to say to him? Admit to him that his is banging his wife? So WH is sweating bullets nows and is resolute in ensuring no further contact with OW while on campus. He is still grieving A and going through withdrawal, so he is not exactly lovey dovey at home. I hope he will get over it in the next couple of weeks. We will be spending together next 5 weeks and I want to make the most of this time in getting him refocused on our marriage.

Since WH is not quitting his job at the moment, despite the this firum's vets' suggestions to the contrary,I am thinking of implementing other means to ensure that he sticks to his end of the bargain. My inclination is to install a VAR (not sure if in his office - is it legal? or perhaps in his briefcase, or may be somewhere else, any suggestions?). I am just so drained by the events of the past weeks, that just having him home, and consequently my being able to sleep and eat again is such a relief that I am reluctant to do anything else dramatic at the moment. I am just hoping to mentally survive from January through April with hope that at that time there will be an opportunity at recovery. WH is planning to work elsewhere starting next academic year. Although I am relieved that he is going to physically remove himself from potentially running into OW, I am also concerned that he will be physically removed from me as well. All of the teaching opportunities that he is currently entertaining will be putting him at several hours driving time away from me, and I am unable to move because our son will be a senior in HS and we cannot uproot him at such an important time in his life.

My other fear is that OW, apparently, is now staying with her husband so that he could financially support her through he studies and take care of two small children. WH claims that she is resolved to divorce her H once she graduates her studies in 1.5 years. I am concerned that WH and OW have decided to ride the next 1.5 years out (coincindentally this is when our son will be going of to college) and then regroup again. May be I am just paranoid. WH claims he is committed to rebuilding marriage for the sake of DS, although I am nore sure what to expect once DC is off to college.

In either scenario, I need WH in the home for the next 1.5 years to minimize financial impact and hold the family together. At the same time, I am mentally preparing myself that my marriage might totally collapse when DS - the glue that is currently holding us together, is off to college and WH has no longer any motivation to stay in the marriage.

Thoughts?

You have the Plan A recommendations from other posters, so you might as well go with that. Get the UA time in, scheduling it if you have to.



A VAR in his car should suffice...with such a long commute, that's going to be the time to catch him.



You're probably not paranoid, though I doubt these two could plan something so perfectly as a rendezvous in 1.5-years. But, his "coming back to the marriage" for the sake of your son sounds familiar. After all, if he had such wonderful feelings that made him come back for you, you probably wouldn't be here to begin with.

I don't know. Since you have a little break before he goes back to work, you might as well make the best of it (Plan A) and see what you can accomplish. Be on the look out for renewed contact, though.

We understand that you're drained, but work these next few weeks with no expectations. That's probably one of the worst parts.

Are you in touch with OWH? You should be. Why is he alowing his wife to go back to a school where your h teaches?
Compare notes with each other to ensure the APs stay apart. You should be able to secretly install both a GPS and sound recorder on your h's cell phones. Hopefully this would help.



Recovery is impossible without around 30hours UA time. Especially with someone who is only coming back for your son. It may take Plan B before he gets properly motivated about the marriage. Are you sure you cannot move? Surely a parents divorce is more unsettling than moving schools? .

If you are concerned for a possible departure of your husband in 1.5 years time visit your lawyer and have a post nup drawn up so you get the assets, monies and pension and he gets all the bills .

Protect yourself financially until you are certain this is not a false recovery. If you are in contact with the OWH suggest the same to him.

Thank you for your guidance. It is so wonderful to know that there is someone out there in the Universe, who can totally empathize and impart so much wisdom to deal with an almost hopeless situation.

OWH, regrettably, is no longer an ally. Our last exchange involved OW who stated that she is monitoring his phone and e-mails and will file for divorce if I contact him again. He pretty much reiterated the same sentiment. Unless I have solid and undeniable proof of renewed contact between WH and OW after the semester starts, I will not be contacting OWH. His position is (what essentially OW made him believe) that this was nothing but a friendship with an obsessed professor, that WH and I have marital problems, and that I am deranged.

My advice? I would enter Plan B.

You are making a whole hill of excuses as to what you CAN'T do, what do you think people here are going to do for you?

See, you don't want to rock the boat. You are afraid of your WH. Unless and until you aren't afraid of him leaving, he will have all of the control in your marriage(I won't call it recovery because he will still be in contact).

When you get mad enough, you will follow ALL of the advice that you have been given, but it will most likely be too late.

You won't move, because of your son. People move all of the time. It sucks, but I guess you worry more about your son graduating with his friends than possibly having an intact family. You will spend the next 1.5 years in pure misery, always waiting for your WH to leave you for OW. And if you don't bust up this affair now, that is most likely going to happen anyways. And if not this OW, he will find another one.

Women who Plan A too long suffer emotional effects. Many have even been diagnosed with PTSD. You are facing a life of misery and emotional damage.

I would suggest that you Plan A, and prepare for Plan B if your WH doesn't agree to leave that job, and thus ending all contact with OW.

Verified how?

After the affair has officially ended with a NC letter (that meets your approval) sent to the OW (YOU dropped it in the mail yourself (not by text or email) ..... then there is no need to be "in Plan A".

Plan A is only for an active, not yet ended affair.

How to recover from infidelity

Click the link and read every part of it.

Before I go further, I have my doubts that your husband has OFFICIALLY ended the affair including a NC letter you read and put in the mail. Am I right to doubt?
1. Speak to your physician about antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication.

2. What instructions have you given to your H about how to CARE FOR YOU during any weeping you might do?

3. Put your anger in writing.
After you calm down (a few days?), read it back to yourself, then discuss the core ISSUE calmly with H.


What has H done to demonstrate he cares about your hurt, your wound that he caused? If H resents the fact that HE HURT YOU and you show your hurt, then it is not likely you will recovery anything resembling a happy marriage.

I wonder if your H worries that he may be squandering his chance to recover this marriage?
Why do I get the feeling you want recovery more than your H?

Did you ever hear anything from the college regarding your WH and OW?

How many more weeks until he returns to work there?

What, specifically, is your husband upset about...or is he just generally mad that you're upset at him for cheating on you.

I have my doubts too Pep, because he is so checked out. Quo did go with him to post the letter though. I wonder if he sent OW a contradictory letter or message telling her he 'had a gun to his head' when he wrote it (as he so eloquently put it).

Either way he needs to get on board fully or he will find himself being Plan B'd.



Excellent advice. You might also want to appeal to his KISA instinct by telling him that 'you feel so safe when he does x, y or z' Turn your vulnerablity into a plus.

Sadly, the affair is probably just on a brief hiatus until the next semester starts in January.

Her WH's plan to commute daily for five hours will probably not last long once he gets back in touch with OW at school.

Sorry, Quo. I hope we're all wrong on this one.