I'm sorry Suze, should I switch back to the other one?

My question was responded to on the radio today. They suggested I have my H listen to Charlie, I have thought about having him listen to the radio show many times. He seems to get mad when I suggest anything MB related but maybe I could get him to endure a 10 minute radio show.

Also, Dr. H recommended that my H write in and explain his position so that they can respond to it. I LOVE that idea, but again, I am not sure if he will do it. Maybe I can get him to say it and I can write it down.

Sorry to Hijack this thread, but I came here looking for advice and this post from Melody Lane lifted my spirits. I am in a similar situation. I found out that a family member of mine was cheating. I told their spouse and now it seems most of the family is mad at me, because in their words, I "tattled". I'm really feeling down even though I know I did the right thing. When I read "you are a good guy", it brought a smile to my face knowing that there are still some people in this world that have morals.

((((((((((((((ozarka)))))))))))

Good for you for doing the right thing. Sometimes it is hard to have the courage of our convictions. None of those people who are criticizing you have to live with your conscience, you do. You did good and I am proud to know you.

Good job Ozarka!!

Update: I was right, my H wouldn't call in or email, but he was willing to list complaints while I wrote them down in an email and is willing to listen to the radio show if/when they respond to it.

Just to be clear, I did have to resist having my head spin around while breathing fire as I listened to these complaints, but I made it without one DJ.

I'd like some input from the group, if possible.

Recently, because of a lot of work and family obligations, my husband and I have spent very little alone time together. I am feeling like my love bank, in terms of affection and conversation, is low.

My H and I finally have plans for dinner alone tonight - the entire upcoming weekend will be filled with non-stop family time. So, I wanted to make sure we got the most out of tonight and wanted to express that my love bank is feeling a little low. Sometimes when we go to dinner at this place which has lots of TVs, my H spends the whole night glued to the tube.

So, I told him that I am feeling a bit needy and hope we can be affectionate and talk a lot tonight and suggested that we consider someplace else where we can focus on each other. He found this highly offensive as if I was saying that he is not doing a good enough job. I tried to tell him that what he does when we have enough time together is great, it's just that we haven't had enough time together and I wanted to make sure we would get the most out of tonight.

He told me that he finds me being "needy" incredibly annoying and that I should just wait it out, rather than saying something, since everything will go back to normal after the holidays. He sounds like he is considering canceling our plans for tonight.

I want to be sensitive to the fact that it seems to hurt his ego when I tell him I am feeling needy and I am wondering if there is a better way for me to tell him when I feel like I need more affection. Thoughts?

You did the right thing. If you don't tell your husband when you feel ignored he won't know. And if he doesn't know, he won't have a chance to make you feel better. But since he doesn't care, he views your feelings as an annoyance and reacts with insults and punishment.

Complaints are an opportunity to improve in a good marriage; an annoyance in a bad marriage.

Which is a disrespectful judgement that shows a complete lack of caring.


To punish you for expressing your feelings.

Mel, I think my H is off the charts high on his need for admiration and the flip side of that is he is highly sensitive to DJs. He seemed really convinced that I was saying he is inadequate and not good enough. He just kept saying that over and over again, no matter what I said.

Yes, I said that I felt like he was saying that to punish me for being honest and he said that me saying that I am needy is a turnoff and makes him not want to be around me.

That would make sense if you had criticized him or called him a name. You did neither. If your H told you he missed you and wanted to spend time with you, would you call him "needy" and put him down? Would you punish him? No, you wouldn't.

Your complaint is the equivalent of the bank sending your H an overdraft notice. He might not like getting it, but not getting it is even worse because the bank will be overdrawn if he doesn't do something about it. Your H has to know when he is making lovebank withdrawals or soon the bank will be empty.

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His efforts are not good enough, though. How will he know if you don't tell him? I think he uses outrage as a way to manipulate you into submission. You should not allow him to get away with that. When you do, you REWARD him and encourage him to gaslight you.

Your husband is a turd. Sorry.

The solution to a needy spouse is to do a better job of meeting her needs. Your husband's solution, though, is to gaslight you into silence.

You're right, Mel, he is gaslighting. How would Dr. H respond to this:

When I tell him I am needing affection he responds by saying it's not a need, it's a want.

When I say I would like us to spend some time together being affectionate and that is helpful for our marriage, he says that he wants me to not be needy and that is helpful for our marriage and then asks why what I want is more important than what he wants. I know this is gaslighting, but I have a hard time explaining why. Can you put it into words for me?

Pennni, the problem is not that your husband doesn't understand or that you are just not explaining it well enough, but that he doesn't care. Explaining it better will not make him care for you. He is refusing to meet your needs. That is what it comes down to.

As far as need versus want, you NEED affection from him in order to be in love with him. Ignoring that need erodes the love you feel for him. He "wants" to ignore you, but what does that do for the love in your marriage? I would tell him that.

I would seriously consider Dr Harley's advice to you to separate.

Okay, well does him not caring suggest that I need to do a better job of meeting his needs and avoiding LBs? Or, could it just be that he is really a hopeless turd.

It just feels like it isn't bad enough to separate ... but I know that this same crap happening over and over again would suck over a lifetime.

Do you Plan A before separating in cases like this?

Another way to put it is that if he doesn't "want" you to be needy, then he should satisfy your needs so you are not needy. Isn't that logical?

If it doesn't bother you, then there is no reason to separate.

Yes, I have tried that and he then goes back to - I shouldn't feel needy because I should be happy with what I have.

It does bother me, I guess it just hasn't pushed me to the point of separation.

But, you are not.

The biggest problem I see is not that you have failed to meet his needs, but that you allow him to gaslight you. You can't control that, but you can control your reaction. Don't let him be successful when he does that.